"The Hot Seat" with Dr. Kim

Question:

"If you and your spouse have different "love languages", how do you connect so that neither feels their language is being put second or ignored?

Dr. Kim:

This is a great question.  It is my experience that most spouses do have different love languages.  That is true with Nancy and I.  Hers is "quality time" and mine is "words of affirmation".  My role as her husband is to love her in a way that makes her feel loved.  If I give her words of affirmation, she will like that and she knows I am showing her love BUT it will not make her feel loved the way  spending quality time with her does.  

Our tendency is to love the way we want love.  I choose to love Nancy in the way she feels most loved.  Through prayer and following God's lead I can do this.  In our marriage, when I love Nancy the way she needs to be loved, it is much easier for her to love me in the way I need to be loved.

Commit together to love each other primarily with the love language each of you responds to the most.  As you live this out day after day, you will be on the way to your Awesome Marriage.

"The Hot Seat" with Dr. Kim

Question: "We are raising a "blended family".  The ex-wife is very much involved in the children's lives.  What is a good starting point to come together on values within the family while not excluding the third parties views or wishes"

Dr. Kim: Wow! That is such a great question and one that almost every blended family asks.  The first really important thing you have to do is accept the reality of what you can do and what you cannot do.  You cannot control anything done in the other home.  You can control what happens in your home.  Start there.

Prayerfully decide with your spouse what you want your home to look like and the values that are very important to you.  You might even break these down into two groups.  One would be the essential values that you will not compromise on.  The second would be the values that are important to you but that you can have some flexibility with.  Once you and your spouse are totally on the same page begin to implement these into your home.  

Next, be consistent in your home and do not be negative about the other home.  The second part of this is so important.  My experience is that over time the children will see the difference in the homes and, more often than not, they will choose the values of the home that is fair and consistent and where they see that the values really make a difference in the lives of the family members.  

Bottom line: Spend your time and energy on what God leads you to do and then lift the rest to Him in prayer.

 

The Hot Seat with Dr. Kim

When Nancy and I were in Albany and Ft. Worth this fall doing Awesome Marriage events, we gave participants a chance to put us on the "hot seat" and fire quetions at us.  Over the next few weeks, I will be answering some of those questions.

Dr. Kim

Question: "How can I start to communicate with my wife more? How can I open up more with her?

This is a great question and a topic that most men deal with at least sometime in their marriage.  First, our wives are very relational and they want to connect with their husbands.  You have taken a big  first step by expressing your desire to communicate better with your wife.  Here are some guidelines that will help:

1. Let her know that you want to communicate better and ask her to pray for you as you do this.

2. Find times each day to sit down together when you will not be interrupted.  It does not have to be an hour but shoot for at least 10 - 15 minutes.  

3. In my opinion the best communicators are good listeners. When your wife is talking focus on what she is saying.  Repeat back to her in your own words what you heard her say.  This is huge because it shows effort and care.

4.  Pray for God to help you take the risks to open up to your wife.  Take it a step at a time but keep persevering.

5.  If you set aside the time and embrace the opportunity, your communication will improve and your marriage will too!