The Invisible Thing You Have to Pay Attention To In Marriage
Every spouse has something special that you have to pay attention to. If you ignore it, you’ll feel the effects of it. If you don’t pay any attention to it, both your spouse and your marriage get hurt, but it can be hard to do because this thing - it’s invisible.
This invisible thing needs to stay full in order for your marriage to be good. It’s your job to fill it, and your job alone. But it’s hard, because like I said, it’s invisible.
So what is this invisible thing you have to notice and attend to, even though you can’t see it? Your spouse’s love tank.
If their tank is empty, you haven’t done enough to fill it. You’ve probably drained the tank too much by doing unkind or selfish things.
What kinds of things might drain your spouse’s love tank?
Getting an attitude with them
Ignoring them because you’re too busy
Neglecting to do what you said you would
Being critical
Arguing about silly stuff
Not listening well when they communicate
Being disrespectful
Acting annoyed by them
Paying more attention to your phone than to them
Speaking ill of them in front of others
Making fun of them to get a laugh out of others
Here is the thing: We are human and sinful so we are going to drain our spouse’s love tank every once in a while. We will end up doing things that deplete their love tank a little. The bigger issue is when we don’t consistently do the good, loving things that fill up their love tank.
Their love tank can’t stay full if you stop making deposits. It’s like Dr. Kim always says, “there is no coasting in an awesome marriage.” You can’t coast on love tank deposits of the past, you have to consistently make new deposits in order for their love tank to stay full.
If you stop making deposits, your marriage is just running on fumes.
The love tank may be invisible, but its effects are absolutely detectable IF you pay attention!
If your spouse’s love tank gets empty, they feel unloved. They feel distant. Your rapport goes way down. If their love tank is empty, you’ll fight a lot more. The little things will get to them more because you haven’t been doing your part to make them feel loved. It’s harder to recover from minor fights when their tank is on E.
So what can you do to fill your spouse’s love tank consistently? Do you know what fills their love tank? We can’t assume here! We are all very different so you need to ask your spouse for simple ways you can make them feel loved. My guess is the list of what makes you feel loved will be different.
Here are some simple things that Dylan knows fills my love tank:
Surprising me with coffee
Telling me he loves me
Making me laugh
Protecting me from overcommitting
Writing me short love notes
Filling up my car with gas (I hate this chore! When he does it for me, I feel so loved.)
Here are some simple things that I know fill his:
Making him meals that he likes
Speaking well of him to others
Encouraging him do things with his friends
Letting him sleep in
Initiating sex
Watching Duke basketball with him
Take some time this week to think about what fills your tank and ask your spouse to do the same. Pay attention to each other’s love tank and make some deposits this week!
We’ve created a fun printable to help you and your spouse to each define 10 “love cans” for yourself. This tool is meant to help you to pay attention to the love tanks in your marriage and do your part to keep them full. This simple exercise is a fun visual that can help you define what fills up each other’s love tanks so you can keep them full! You can grab the free Love Cans Printable here. It’s our way of saying “thank you” for supporting Awesome Marriage!