Dr. Kim’s new book “14 Keys to Lasting Love: How to Have the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted” comes out on January 8, 2019. This book will change your marriage, and it will most certainly change you. Over the next few weeks, Dr. Kim will highlight some of the principles from the book in his weekly “Insights.”
Body image issues can affect how comfortable and relaxed we are when having sex with our spouse. If you are thinking about what he or she is thinking, you are going to miss out on a lot of the enjoyment that comes with sex. I have counseled couples who have never had sex with the lights on or seen each other naked in the light.
Go back to Adam and Eve. Remember how they were described: “Naked and unashamed.” To me that means first they had absolutely no clothes on and they were not hiding from each other. They were walking around nude day or night. Now for the “unashamed” part. I think that means that they were very comfortable with each other and their naked bodies. They were completely vulnerable and completely trusted each other. That was God’s plan. Still is. I believe Jesus redeemed everything for us so that, as Christians, we could have what Adam and Eve had. We just have to battle through cultural messaging and other baggage to get there.
If you are feeling uncomfortable now, don’t worry. I’m not telling you to get naked and run around the house together all day, but if you want to, go for it. What I am saying is: Don’t sell yourself short. If you are having sex only in the dark under the sheets, take a step toward naked and unashamed. Maybe you turn on a table lamp or kick the covers off and let the moonlight come through the window. Begin to get comfortable with who you are and who your spouse is sexually.
Some people may need counseling if they suffered abuse or other trauma. Take the time to do that. Usually one spouse is more comfortable than the other with the whole naked and unashamed scenario. Your role is to gently encourage your spouse. Don’t push. It may take time. Praise them for the smallest step forward. Be a part of counseling if they ask you to. Know that you are not alone in this. I cannot think of any other gift from God that has been perverted like sex in marriage, but this is not a battle that you will let the enemy win. Together you can receive the gift in all its goodness just as God designed.