The Communication Mistake Most Couples Don't Realize They're Making with Jason Van Ruler Ep. 745

Have you ever walked away from a conversation with your spouse thinking, "That's not what I meant at all"? Or wondered why you keep having the same argument over and over again?

The truth is, most couples aren't struggling because they don't love each other, they're struggling because they communicate differently.

In this episode, Dr. Kim is joined by licensed therapist and author Jason Van Ruler to unpack the five communication types and why understanding your spouse's communication style can completely change the way you approach conflict. They talk about why we so often take our differences personally, how stress affects the way we communicate, and why learning to truly listen may be the most powerful thing you can do for your marriage.

If you've ever felt misunderstood or wished your spouse "just got you," this conversation will help you replace frustration with understanding and give you practical tools to communicate in a way that brings you closer instead of pushing you apart.


Episode Highlights:

  • Why communication breaks down—and why it's probably not for the reason you think.

  • Discover your communication type and learn how it shapes every conversation with your spouse.

  • Simple shifts that will help you feel more seen, heard, and understood in your marriage.

  • Stop taking communication differences personally and start using them to grow closer.

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Quotes from This Episode:

Jason VanRuler

  1. "We aren't very well versed in communicating for connection."

  2. "The more we feel we can't communicate, the more we believe the lie that our spouse must like it that way."

  3. "We're experts in what we meant, but we're not experts in what our spouse experienced."

  4. "Understanding your communication type takes the personal offense out of conflict and helps you ask, 'What did they mean?'"

  5. "A great communicator isn't someone who thinks they're communicating well—it's someone who understands how other people experience them."

  6. "When life gets hard, we all go back to our primary communication style. That's why understanding each other matters most in conflict."

  7. "From birth, we all want to feel seen, heard, and understood."


Dr. Kim Kimberling:

  1. "Most couples don't know why they struggle to communicate—they just know it creates distance."

  2. "We're fighting our differences instead of embracing them and learning how they can strengthen our marriage."

  3. "Bad communication gets in the way of being a great team."

  4. "When I really learned to listen to Nancy, it changed our marriage."

  5. "Sometimes the simplest advice is the most powerful: let your spouse finish."

  6. "If you attack the problem, you can find a solution. If you dance around it, you'll never solve it."

  7. "The healthiest marriages keep working on communication because every season of life requires new ways of understanding each other."

Time to Talk About it:

  1. When do you feel the most heard and understood by me? Is there anything I could do differently to help you feel that way more often?

  2. Which communication style do you think describes each of us best, and how have our differences helped—or challenged—our marriage?

  3. What's one small change we could each make this week to communicate with more grace, patience, and understanding?


Mentioned in This Episode:

Kim KimberlingComment