Worth Repeating: The Right / Wrong Way to Apologize
[00:00:00] <Intro>
Lindsay: Welcome to The Awesome Marriage podcast, a place for honest conversations, and practical advice on how to build an awesome marriage. I'm your podcast producer and co-host Lindsay Few. On the show will be our host, Dr. Kim Kimberling. Dr. Kim is a marriage counselor and has been married for over 50 years. His passion is to help you strengthen your most intimate relationship.
[00:00:30] <Music>
Christina: Today, we're talking about the right and wrong ways to apologize to your spouse. Apologies are necessary, since we're human and fallen, we should be apologizing regularly. Dr. Kim, shares some great practical advice on what to do and not to do when it comes to apologizing in marriage. And I personally have a list of like 20 different ways not to apologize. So I'm not sure what that says about me and my marriage.
But I hope you'll gain some wisdom from this episode. We pray this episode is helpful to you in your marriage. Dr. Kim, why is it important to learn how to apologize well?
Dr. Kim: Basically, you're going to screw up and your spouse- my spouse, certainly, almost always knows when I screw up. So for us it's to restore the relationship and it's to own up to what you've done or said, and I think even little things.
I mean, it took me a long time just to really figure out the value of apologizing. Nancy was always the one to apologize first, she just did and I think I took advantage of it. Until, finally, she didn't one time and I thought "Well, what's wrong with her?" And then I realized, "Okay, you're supposed to apologize too." So we do it really easy, very quickly now, it took time to get there.
But I think, for us, it always brought us back together. It always helped begin whatever the step was to restore the relationship. And it's the same thing about our relationship with God. Once, for a Christian, it's not that we're doing it, we already have forgiveness. But it restores that relationship with us in God. When I sin, it's a wedge between God and I, and when I confess that, and say, "God, I did this I'm sorry." Then it restores that relationship. And I think it's a principle that you want to take into marriage.
Christina: Yeah, I love that. It's interesting that you say that she apologizes more than you, or did earlier on in marriage. I wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that she's an Enneagram Six and her loyalty? What are your thoughts on that?
Dr. Kim: That's an interesting point. And, I think, the other probably is growing up somewhat in an alcoholic home. I think that was a way to stop things from escalating and stuff like that.
So, I think, there were some things that predated us just like a lot of things. And I did apologize, I guess, before, but it was just she did it so quickly. I was like, "Wow, this is good. I guess I'm never wrong."
Christina: Mh-hmm, and it takes the pressure off if you don't have to be the first one to apologize. But I'm with you, I think, it's so important to learn to do this well, and that we all need to learn to apologize well.
Because, I mean, basically, what an apology is, it's confession. And because we're sinners because we were living in a broken, fallen world. And we're a part of that broken fallenness, we have to confess our sins.
We have to confess and it's the first step towards repentance too, and, like you said, restoring that relationship with your spouse. And, so, if you don't confess and don't walk in repentance. Then you're not apologizing well, and you're not going to have a good fruitful marriage.
Dr. Kim: I've worked with couples, and not a lot but more than a handful, where one has said he or she has never apologized. And these are marriages that might be 10-year marriages and things like that. And I guarantee none of those would I look at and think, "Well, they've got a good marriage." It just puts a wedge there.
Maybe it's not something that I've thought about every day or things like that, but I think it keeps you from growing. Because it's hard to trust someone with your emotions, with your feelings. If they're not open and transparent with you and admitting when the wrong
Christina: Yeah, absolutely. That leads me to a, really, great next question. Why will this help our marriage?
Dr. Kim: I think when we don't it creates distance. And I think the longer you go without that being a part of your marriage, the more distant you're going to become.
It just keeps things from being everything you would want them to be. Because when I do, I can just know when Nancy or I, once says "I'm sorry," it may not be a big deal. It may be something small that one of us did, but it reconnects us.
It's like you just feel like, "Okay, there's nothing standing between us now, that's out of the way." And it's not like we are high-fiving and stuff every time, if it's a big deal, probably. But it's just like, "Okay, we're still on the same track. We're still heading the same direction." we can kid around, there's not a wedge between us.
Christina: Yeah, definitely. To me, it deals with the problem.
Dr. Kim: Yep.
Christina: Instead of just like ignoring it, or moving on, or stepping past it. It gives language to the problem and it gives reconciliation towards the problem, and, so, it's a good and fruitful thing to do. And like you said it promotes that closeness between each other.
I think the thing about marriage is, out of all your relationships, because your marriage is so intimate, and because you live in such close quarters. Because, hopefully, you're living together as a married couple. You're just going to have to apologize to your spouse more than any other human being, ever.
Dr. Kim: Right. You're going to be with each other more, you just interact and a lot of things. I think, I learned, there were things that I didn't think were bad. But if it bothered her then I needed to apologize for it and I think I had to get to that point.
Well, that shouldn't bother you. Well, that's not true it did bother her. And, so, then my deal is to learn from that, to apologize, and to not go there anymore and that's part of the learning. I think that's when we finally figured out we got to learn about these things, that really helped move us forward in that whole area.
Christina: That's good. Well, now that we're talking about the right and wrong ways to apologize in this episode, Dr. Kim, let's start off with the wrong ways. Because that'll be more fun. So what are the wrong ways to apologize to your spouse?
Dr. Kim: I think anytime you're sarcastic, or you're just flippant, or you're acting like a teenager and going, "Sorry," or something like that. Or like when your kids have acted up, and you say, "You better say, 'I'm sorry, to your sister.' And they go, 'I'm, sorry.'" I mean, those are not the ways to do it.
You don't do it in a way that's not from your heart, that's what I would say. And, so, if you're just doing it to check a box off. If you're just doing it because you really don't mean that, but you just don't want to keep arguing. That's really not saying, "I'm sorry," that's not really apologizing. My heart had to be in it to be able to say I'm sorry.
Christina: Mh-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And when my heart is in it, then, I think, it comes off sincere. Because ultimately, now, I'm at the point where I say, "I'm sorry," probably, a lot just because I just want to make sure I didn't hurt her or something like that. The marriage is more important than my ego. And when I made that point, when I finally was able to grasp that it made a huge difference.
Christina: So what I hear you saying is, it's almost like we have to do a heart check about our own sin before apologizing. I think that's one thing where prayer really comes into play. I'm just asking God to, "God gave me a hatred for sin and a love for holiness. God convict me where I do wrong. Help me to see where I'm damaging my marriage and damaging my relationships. And help me to be quick to apologize. Quick to say, 'I'm sorry,' and quick to forgive."
Dr. Kim: Absolutely, that's great, I mean, just involving God, just remembering to do that no matter what. Anything that we talk about on any other podcast, if you involve God, it's going to make a difference.
Christina: Yeah, that's good. Well, I have a list of like 20 wrong ways to apologize. So I don't know what that says about me and my marriage too.
Dr. Kim: Do you want to count down?
Christina: Yeah, can you do that for me? I'm just kidding. I think one wrong way to apologize is if your apology is a ploy to get your spouse to apologize to you afterwards. So your apology should be just that - your apology.
You should be confessing your own sin and repenting of your own sin. Your spouse's apology is not your responsibility. Your apology is your responsibility. So I do not think it should be a ploy to then get your spouse to apologize to you for hurting your feelings or doing something.
I think also just anytime that you're using it as an excuse to temper your apology, that's not an apology. So, "Ifs" "Ands" "Buts", any kind of an excuse-
Dr. Kim: I'm sorry but.
Christina: Yes, exactly, any kind of excuse.
Dr. Kim: It just negates it immediately, doesn't it?
Christina: Yeah, it totally does, it negates the apology, so it's not a real apology if you have an excuse for why you did it. Because you're not really owning it, you're not really taking responsibility, if you have an excuse.
I think also if you have any elements of blame in it. So there's certain kind of wordings where you place it on them. So, "I'm sorry, you..." So any kind of "I'm sorry, you." I think should just be ripped out of an apology because it makes it not an apology. Your apology needs to say, "I'm sorry, I."
So, for example, you wouldn't want to say, "I'm sorry, you feel that way." Because that's basically telling them you shouldn't feel that way, and that's not kind and not helpful. Like what you were saying or what you and Nancy have dealt with.
Another way I've seen people saying it is, "If I offended you, I'm sorry." Again, you're throwing the blame on them, you're using that YOU language. You're basically telling them they shouldn't have been offended by what you said.
Dr. Kim: Exactly.
Christina: That's not an apology.
Dr. Kim: It's a little bit of gaslighting, it really is.
Christina: Yeah, certainly, it is. Another way to say it, "I'm sorry, you took it that way." Again, you're making an excuse. "That's not what I intended, you shouldn't be upset." That's not an apology. So any kind of like language like that.
And then I think another mistake that we sometimes make and is a wrong way to apologize, is if we're expecting or seeking immediate forgiveness. I think sometimes trust may need to be restored gradually and that takes like through behavior. Sometimes you have to see the fruit over time of an apology, and that's okay.
Dr. Kim: Yeah, absolutely, that's good.
Christina: Mh-hmm. So those are all my ways that I think are wrong. Those are all my wrong ways to apologize.
Dr. Kim: No, I think that's good. And I'm glad you brought up the point about sometimes it does take time. If I've really hurt Nancy, if I betrayed her or something, and I may be so sorry from the depths of my heart, which I think I would be and I'm sorry.
I can't expect her to just say, "Okay, I forgive you and it's okay, now, let's go have dinner." No, it's going to be a process and you've got to let them have that process. And, I think, sometimes we think that just because we said, "We're sorry," everything should be okay immediately, and it's not always like that.
In little things, sure, it is. It's just like we can move by that. Say I came home and I was grumpy, and say I barked at her. And I just realized, and said, "I'm sorry, that’s not the way I want to come home tonight. I'm sorry."
Christina: Yeah.
Dr. Kim: And then she'll say, "Sure I get it." And then we'll start talking. So different levels there but always let them see that you're really sincere about it. And you're right, when you're putting it back on somebody else, they may think, "Oh, they said they're sorry" And then they think, "Wait a minute, no, they didn't. They just put it back on me." It just negates everything. And so it's a heart check, it's prayer and a heart check.
Christina: That's good.
[00:11:09] <Music>
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[00:12:22] <Music>
Christina: So now that we've talked about all 20 wrong ways to apologize, what are the right ways to apologize, Dr. Kim?
Dr. Kim: I think you want to be specific about what you're apologizing for. I think you want to take responsibility. You want to say, "I know this hurt you or I was wrong. I'm not only sorry, I'm going to work on this."
I think that's a huge one sometimes because I think those are things that I've worked with people in counseling. And they say, "You said you're sorry about that, but you keep doing the same thing over and over."
And, so, I think when you get a deal like that, it's not only saying, "I'm sorry and I haven't really worked out in the past, but I promise you, I'm working on it now."
And, so, looking at the situation and taking the responsibility, but a lot of times there's a next step that goes along with that.
Christina: That's good. The way I think of it is like genuine repentance. So you know, saying, "I'll try not to do that again." Because that's genuine repentance.
Repentance is when we recognize sin for what it is and we try to turn from it. Or we're trying not to do the thing that we know is sin, and we're trying to turn from that. And I love what you said about doing something about it afterwards.
Because, I think, that's the common marriage problem. It's just like if "I'm sorry, I did whatever" it's just an empty word, and you don't see any action behind it. That's not going to help your marriage.
The first step is apologizing, the second step is doing something about it. So I think one great question to ask yourself or to ask your spouse after you have sinned and you are apologizing is, "Well, what can I do to make this right?"
Dr. Kim: Yeah, absolutely. I mean, if you're overdrawing the bank account every month, and every month, you're saying, "I'm sorry." And you're not doing something about, "Hey, I need to do a budget."
Or "Hey, I need to do this."
Then you're going to keep that pattern and eventually, even though you may be sincere, you think in your heart at that time. Your spouse isn't getting to where they're going, "Man, I'm not sure I believe that because you keep doing the same thing over and over." So a lot of times, the next step is real important to that.
Christina: Definitely. And I think another important thing that you alluded to earlier, especially, when it comes to women. I think we have to focus on their feelings as well and not just the specific details of the conflict or issue.
I think it's really easy, I see this in a lot of marriages with husbands where they're just apologizing for the action. And they're not, really, even acknowledging their wife's feelings towards it. So, I think, resolution focuses on the issue, but reconciliation focuses on the relationship.
So I think it's important to say things like, "You are important to me, I care about your feelings, I'm sorry, I hurt them." Things like that, and just acknowledging that the feelings are there, and focusing on those as well, instead of just the details of it.
I think a lot of us have that type A brain where we just focus on the details and not the relationship. But we have to talk about the relationship and focus on that too.
Dr. Kim: And, I think, just always being aware of, "Did I go far enough? Is there something else I need to say in this?" Because that's what I think about being specific, if I'm sorry I want her to know that, "I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings. I'm sorry, I did that and it offended you."
Be specific about what I'm apologizing for. Because I think that's part of, not only taking responsibility but acknowledging that now I'm aware of something that bothers her and, "I'm sorry I did that and I'm not going to do it again, with God's help."
Christina: That's so good. And it's just good communication, too, because I can't tell you how many arguments Dylan and I have gotten in, and I have apologized. And when I apologize, I'm like, "I'm sorry, I did whatever." And he's like, "That's not what I'm mad about." And, so, it's helpful and vice versa.
It's just like you're apologizing for something and you don't even know why if you just say, "I'm sorry." You don't really maybe even get to the root of it because you're not communicating what you're sorry for. Let's make sure that we're apologizing for the right thing, and really getting to the root of why our spouse is upset.
Dr. Kim: That's such a good point. Because I think sometimes that happens. If we make an assumption and we kind of go with that. So we got in our mind, and, so, you want to clarify it. That's why if you're specific, then they can say "Well, thanks for that. But this is what I'm really upset about."
Christina: Mh-hmm, definitely. Really talking about getting to the root of it. So what should every good apology feel like?
Dr. Kim: For us, I think it always clears the air. If there's a wedge, however small, I mean, it may be a splinter, it may be a two-before or whatever it is, but it clears that air. It lifts a weight off.
I think, for me, if I'm sitting there and maybe I'm mad about it. But when I apologize and take that step, it's like, "I needed to do that. That was really as much for me as it was for her maybe even more for me." Those kinds of things.
I think it's just a step of you feel like you're restoring the relationship, or you're reconnecting, or whatever, depending on what it is and how big it was, that you're back on track.
We're back moving in this direction, the right direction we want to move in our marriage and that's where we wanted to be and that's what marriage is all about. And, so, instead of going in different directions, or putting a wedge there we're back together.
Christina: That's good. I think that's where like tone and eye contact come into play a lot because you should feel it. Like you're saying you should feel like you mean it when you're apologizing. And, so, if you're not even looking at your spouse in the eyes, and you're just kind of flipping when you're saying, "I'm sorry". Well, that doesn't really feel like you mean it.
Dr. Kim: It's a teenage, "I'm sorry."
Christina: It is. It is a teenage, "I'm sorry." And, so, eye contact and really connecting and active listening there, I think an apology you should feel it.
Dr. Kim: Yep, and I'm not putting down teenagers because I did the same thing.
Christina: Mh-hmm, teenagers are great.
Dr. Kim: It's just part of that stage of life.
Christina: So any other tips for apologizing well, Dr. Kim?
Dr. Kim: Yeah, and I kind of alluded to this earlier that I think God really taught me. If I'm wrong and Nancy is wrong it doesn't matter who apologizes first, someone needs to apologize.
Because I think she might be probably 10% more wrong than I am, so she should apologize. No, I've learned that I need to step forward and do that. And, so, I think if you get there and you start weighing, "Well, they did something much worse than I did." That's okay.
Most of the time you've been in a fight or argument, you both kind of contribute a little bit. But whatever it is just say, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." And it opens the door for them to say, "I'm sorry." We never did this because we ended up figuring it out.
But I now suggest to couples, "Well, it's like play a game." Just say, "Who is going to say it first." And sincerely who can say it first sincerely and I think that just changes the whole dynamic on it.
Christina: That's good, I like that. I think another tip for apologizing well is, it's really important to apologize for the whole truth of what you did.
One way I've read it being communicated before is, "Apologize deep." So deep as in you're apologizing for the whole truth. So, really, confess the sin and say, "I'm sorry, I did this. This is what I was thinking behind this. Here's my sin in this, here's where it was evil." I'd really call it what it is and apologize for the whole truth of it.
I think so often, and it's socially acceptable too, to just lie and act like we didn't mean to do something that we clearly were intentional about. Or just not tell the whole truth of our sin and not be really honest about the fact that we're sinners, and we messed up, and we have evil thoughts, and we do evil things, and we lie, and we cheat, and all of these things.
Dr. Kim: Yeah, and, I think, it's like what I said at the very beginning, your spouse knows it. I mean, you're not fooling anybody, really. I think, Nancy knows if I'm sincere or not sincere. If I'm evading, if I'm apologizing for one thing and holding another thing back. I mean, she doesn't usually call me out on it but she knows. And, so, I don't think it does what I wanted the apology to do.
Christina: Yeah and it doesn't build the trust. And, so, when you're, really, honest about what happened, it's going to build that trust of like, "Oofs, wow, they're being really real with me."
Whereas if you only give a half-truth and half apologize for that half-truth. Like you said they know it and they're thinking in their head. And, so, that doesn't build trust in your marriage.
I think, too, I would just encourage everyone who's listening. Like, this is going to feel weird at first if you haven't been doing this. It's going to feel weird to say like, "Oh, yeah, I totally knew I went over budget in that category. I just really wanted that Starbucks coffee, and I didn't even know and I knew I shouldn't have."
Or "I lied about this purchase."
Or "I didn't go to the gym."
Or whatever it is that you're struggling with, whatever it is you're confessing.
Or "I did snap at you because I had a really hard day."
And also, like, "I was in pain today so I wanted you to be in pain." Just really be honest about whatever it is you need to apologize for. And it's going to feel really weird at first because it's going to feel shocking and jarring. And it's going to feel weird to your spouse that you're apologizing to as well.
So just embrace that awkwardness at first and like, move through it. But it's going to get better the more honest you are about it and the less you're pretending like you're better than you are.
Just own it, and there's so much grace, the pressure is off. God doesn't ask us to be perfect. Jesus died for all of your mess, and all of your evil, and all of your sin already. And, so, we don't need to achieve greatness, it's been received through the gospel as Christ followers, we have that.
So because of that good grace, that good mercy, we have the freedom to be totally honest about our sin because the pressure is off.
Dr. Kim: That is so good, it is. I think you're right it's, certainly, awkward at first. But I think if you continue to, both, do that the results, as you get farther along, it's going to become easier. It's going to not seem as awkward and you're going to see a whole new level of openness, transparency, and connection.
Christina: And on another note that's similar to that. I think one thing I've seen a lot lately is we won't confess our whole sin out of trying to protect our spouse. It's like one issue that I've seen is husbands will get caught looking at something they're supposed to be looking at on the internet, and they'll make it out to be less of an issue than it really is.
And their motivation for doing that is that they don't want to hurt their wife. They don't want to hurt their wives' feelings and yet they looked at another naked woman or whatever it may be. But you're not helping anyone by not being honest about what really happened, and about your actual sin struggle.
It would be much better, for you, to be wholly honest with your spouse about what happened and what you're struggling with. And what you need to do to make amends and restitution there.
Dr. Kim: I agree. And I want to say that doesn't mean that you go into graphic detail about what you watched. But just to say, "I watched something that was totally inappropriate. It would nauseate you if you know what I just looked at and I do have a problem, and would you pray for me. I'm going to get help. I'm going to go to counseling. I'm going to go to SA group, if I need to. I'm going to have an accountability partner." That kind of stuff.
Just don't minimize something that's an issue and I think that's what you're saying.
Don't act like, "Yeah, I just kind of happened to go."
"Oh, that popped up right when you came in."
"That wasn't a big deal, I got rid of it. I don't look at stuff like that." When you've been looking at it for an hour.
Christina: Yeah, be honest.
Dr. Kim: Be honest.
Christina: And deal with it. Absolutely. Well, this has been a great conversation, Dr. Kim. What final piece of advice do you have for our listeners, when it comes to the right and wrong ways to apologize to your spouse?
Dr. Kim: Well, I hope everybody learned something from this. And, certainly, from the things that we've been through and the mistakes we've made. I think it's something we all need to work on. So I'll just challenge you in general, wherever you are with this to take a step forward, wherever you've been, just do something. Maybe it's you both to apologize, but you've been waiting for her or him to apologize. You apologize first.
To be specific in those apologies. Your goal is for them to see your heart and to move your marriage forward and whatever it takes to make that happen.
Christina: That's so good, Dr. Kim.
Lindsey: Hey, as always, if you need anything at all, please don't hesitate to reach out to us. You can email us at info@awesomemarriage.com or reach out to us on Instagram. We love praying for you and we love hearing from you, so don't hesitate to reach out to us.
And to each of you that has left a rating or a review of the podcast, we so appreciate it. We read each and every one and it is a true gift to the ministry. Because it helps more couples find the podcast, so thank you for doing that. Have a great day and do something awesome for your marriage today.
[00:24:19] <Music>
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[00:24:56] <Outro>