Worth Repeating | Be Your Authentic Self in a Superficial World With Special Guest Sam Acho

[00:00:00] < Intro >

Dr. Kim: Welcome to The Awesome Marriage Podcast. I am so excited today about Sam Acho being here, as our special guest. Sam played his college football at the University of Texas. He's a retired NFL player. Had great seasons at Arizona, Chicago, Buffalo, and Tampa Bay. He is a writer, a public speaker, the humanitarian. He speaks widely at colleges, events, conferences, and churches. He co-hosted The Home Team podcast. 

Sam is the founder and president of Athletes for Justice. He's the vice president of the NFL Players Association. He's a graduate of the University of Texas, and the Thunderbird School of Football Management. Sam's book is Let the World See you: How to Be Real in a World Full of Fakes.

[00:00:52] < Intro >

Lindsay: Welcome to The Awesome Marriage Podcast. A place for honest conversations and practical advice on how to build an awesome marriage. I am your podcast producer and co-host. Lindsay Few. On the show will be our host, Dr. Kim Kimberling. Dr. Kim is a marriage counselor and has been married for over 50 years. His passion is to help you strengthen your most intimate relationship.

Dr. Kim: Well, Sam, thank you so much for being a part of The Awesome Marriage Podcast today. I welcome you, and thank you for spending time with us.

Sam: I'm so glad to be here.

Dr. Kim: Yes, it's great to have you here, for sure. So let's dig right in and start out with how did you start to realize that you were hiding your real self?

Sam: Yes, well, it's funny, and I know you talked about in the intro. My book is called Let the World See You: How to Be Real in a World Full of Fakes. And, so, this idea of being vulnerable, and being seen, and being real just resonated deeply. Because whether it's in sports, playing in the NFL. Whether it's growing up in church. Whether it's, obviously, my parents are from Nigeria. So there's different cultures and being a Black man, but parents from a different country, and, then, growing up in America. 

There were so many opportunities to hide and, oftentimes, I would fall into those. Whether at church. I remember at a youth group, at church, I was getting made fun of or laughed at, talked about. So I went to the restroom stall and I just hid there. I sat there for a little bit. And now fast-forward it's 15-some odd years later, I'm 30 years old now. And, at least, at the time I was 30 years old, in an NFL locker room, and no, I'm not hiding in bathroom stalls. 

But if I would feel shame, or guilt, or these different emotions that I didn't know how to name, I would hide within myself. And, so, I started realizing it more and more as I got older. I realized that hiding was what I went to when I didn't feel safe.

Dr. Kim: Yes. As you were saying that, I think, we all do that. And I was thinking back the first time that, I guess, it ever happened, in the world, was when Adam hid from God in the garden. And, so, I think we've been doing that as people for a long time.

Sam: Absolutely, yes, and that's one of the things, as I started the process of writing Let the World See You. I started realizing, "What are these emotions that I'm dealing with?" And, then, where do they take me? So where does shame take me? Shame would take me to hiding. And as I'm going through Scripture, looking at different people, what happened with Moses? Moses murdered a man and, all of a sudden, he ran and he hid. 

Now, you keep on going back further and further and you go all the way, as you mentioned, back to Adam, and Adam hid and Eve hid. And, so, it's in our DNA to hide. And my goal, my desire, my wish, is that people would come to the light and experience the same freedom that I was able to experience and see as I started to let the world see me.

Dr. Kim: Yes, and when we believe that lie of Satan that we need to hide. It keeps us from being who God created us to be, and embracing all that he has for us. So that's really cool. So in the book, you talk about how the locker room is a place of constant interaction, but a place where it's really easy to be insecure. So sometimes this happens in marriages and friendships because we're all in relationships of one kind or another, but we all still feel insecure. So have you seen that kind of thing in other areas of your life?

Sam: Absolutely. And it's interesting the places where we have the most interaction can, oftentimes, be the places where we do feel the most insecure. I think about a marriage; I've been married seven, going on eight years. And there are times where I'm like, "Man, how do I share with my wife how I'm really feeling?"

For example, if I feel scared about something and there's a stigma, "Well, you're the man. You're supposed to be the leader and you're supposed to lead your family." And I don't want to always tell her that I'm scared of what happens in the future. I don't know what's going to happen. I feel insecure, and that's one example of a marriage. 

But the same goes in certain friendships. You have friends who say, "I'm, here for you." And you're there for them. But sometimes you don't want to share with them what you're really going through because you don't want them to be disappointed in you. And so even though we have these tight bonds and relationships it can be hard, at least I've seen it can be hard, to really let people see you. To allow people to see the real you.

Dr. Kim: Yes, it's almost like we think they have these expectations of us and we're going to, maybe, let them down if we show an insecurity, or show who we really are.

Sam: Absolutely.

Dr. Kim: Yes, and, especially, as guys, what you said is so right. We feel like we got to be this strong guy, and a lot of times we don't let the person who God gave us to go through life with in on what's behind the scenes. What is really going on within us.

Sam: Yes, I was going to say interestingly enough or funny enough, but in all reality, it's the kindness of God. I wrote a chapter on this. Chapter twelve of my book it's called Blessing, and blessing is the English translation of Ngozi. And Ngozi is the name of my wife, who I met in Nigeria. 

And, so, this chapter is all about how God, in His kindness, God gave me a woman who could bear me, and bear my weaknesses, and strengths, and insecurities, and all the things, someone who understood me as well. But, then, also someone who was willing, available, and desired to help me grow. 

See, I always thought that I had to have it all together, and then I met my wife and I tried to act like I had it all together. And I realized that I don't, and she knew that I didn't. And instead of shunning me and turning away, she gave me grace. 

And, so, you talk about this idea in marriages or in relationships of being our real selves. I got a chance to experience that firsthand. And I knew it but, for me, writing it down helped a lot to realize, "Oh, wow, God and His kindness orchestrated and ordained all of this to give me this woman who is a blessing, to me and to those around her. But, also, who's helping me be who God had always intended for me to be.

Dr. Kim: Yes, that's so cool, and just for us to realize that and see our wives as that gift from God that she really is to us, and that we are to her, too, it goes both ways. I know God uses it both ways. Let's take a quick sidetrack. How did you guys meet?

Sam: We met on a medical missions trip in Nigeria. Mind you, I was coming from America on the missions' trip. She was living in Nigeria. She had just moved from the city she was living in to the village, to take care of my grandmother. And, so, my grandmother was getting older, and wasn't doing well, and needed some help. 

And, so, there was a young girl already who was helping out my grandmother. But that young girl was caught stealing stuff from her. And, so, my grandmother kicked her out of the house. And, mind you, it's not a house, it's in a village. My grandma lived in the village where my dad grew up, where my dad's dad grew up. And, so, that's where she lived. No light, no running water, no electricity, the whole thing. 

So my dad was looking for someone to help just for the winter, Christmas break-ish. Just somebody to help while we find a longer term solution. So he calls up one of his friends, at that time, one of his friends, she had kids and her husband had died. And, so, her kids were staying with different relatives. And, at that time, my wife, Ngozi, was staying, well, she wasn't my wife at the time. But this young girl named Ngozi was staying in a city called Jos. Which had just had this major turmoil that happened in Nigeria. 

There was this bombing, so imagine 9/11, but in Nigeria, I mean, it was crazy. And, so, my dad calls her mom at the exact time where her mom's trying to find a way to have her get out of that city because she was staying with her aunt. Get out of that city so she could come somewhere else. And, so, my dad calls this young woman's mom. My dad and the mom were friends and says, "Do you know anyone who can help out Mama?" And she says, "I know the perfect person."

So at that moment, Ngozi moved from the city to the village to help take care of Mama, which is my grandmother. Well, right around that same time, I had come on this medical missions' trip, and it was my first year going. 

My parents are born and raised in Nigeria, and they go on these medical mission trips every single year. Doctors, and nurses, and surgeons, and dentists, ophthalmologists, and pharmacists, and they do medical mission work. They tell people about Jesus but they also take out hernias, and cataracts, and all the things. And I'd never gone on this trip. They've been doing it since I was born, but I'd never gone on.

Well, finally, I was 15 years old, and my parents felt like I was old enough to go. And, so, I go on this trip, and that's when I first laid eyes on, if you will, Ngozi. Now, we didn't talk. We didn't talk, we didn't interact. I just saw this young lady, who was around my family, around my grandmother. Who was around my dad, I was like, "Who is this person?"

So I would go, year after year, on the medical mission strips. But also we'd go for Christmas to New Year's, to see family. And I would see her, but we would never talk. Well, finally, it was my second year in the NFL. I just got drafted by the Arizona Cardinals, and I was going on this trip again. I invited one of my teammates, his name is Calais Campbell. He is 6'8, 300 pounds, he's a gentle Giant, and he's also a Pro Bowl NFL defensive lineman and soon-to-be hall of famer. And he goes on this trip with me, and we were best friends. 

And, so, he knew everything about me. And, so, he goes on this trip. We were talking about relationships and all these different things. He was telling me about a girl that he had just met, who now is his wife. And I was telling him about my desires for a wife, and to be a husband, and all the things. We land in Nigeria, we get off the plane, and he sees this young woman. At this point, we're 23 or so, 22, 23 years old and he stops me and he says, "Bro, who is that? She is beautiful."

He says, "Are y'all related?"

In my mind, "I'm like, "Hey, hold on, man, you just told me about a girl that you were in love with. Now you want to go talk to this other beautiful girl." I was like "Come on."

He's like, "No, man, I'm not talking about for me, I'm talking about for you. She's everything you've ever talked about and more." And, so, on that trip, and mind you, I had a deep desire to marry someone who understood my culture. Who had a desire, who wanted to go back to Nigeria, every summer, and do these trips. We have a house there and all that. I wanted someone who had that. I wanted someone who understood my family dynamics as well, someone who understood what it's like to eat the kind of food that we eat in our house. 

And, so, when Calais saw her, he said, "She's everything you've talked about and more. She's beautiful. She loves your family, knows your family. What are you waiting for?" And that was the trip where Ngozi and I first started our relationship.

Dr. Kim: Wow, that's a great story. I mean, you can talk about God putting things together. So if he hadn't said that to you, do you think you would have figured it out yourself that "This woman is for me?"

Sam: I hope so. I don't know if I would, so much had happened during that time. I never really dated in high school or even in college. Because I was so laser-focused on trying to make it to the NFL and also trying to do good in school. I was a business honors major. I won the academic Heisman Trophy. I was laser-focused in a lot of ways. And, finally, after my first year, after my rookie year in the NFL, I finished that year, and I felt like "Okay, that was easy. That was manageable. I'm ready now for the next thing."

And, so, number one, to answer your question, no. If Calais wouldn't have been there, I don't know if I would have figured it out. I'm praying God would have given me someone else. Give me someone else to show me her. But number one, I believe I was closer to being ready than I was before, number one. 

Number two, Calais came with me, a close friend, who was there for me. And, also, a third thing was that my brother didn't come on this trip. Mind you, my brother and I usually always go on these trips, and we usually are roommates, and we're always hanging out.

Well, he was entering into the NFL, he's a year younger than I. And, so, because of training and all those other things, he didn't come on that trip. And he and I didn't really always talk about relationship stuff. We were just hanging out, playing ball, whatever. So he didn't come Calais did come. Calais and I started talking and God made a way. So if Calais wouldn't have come on that trip, I'm hoping and praying God would have used someone else to open my eyes, to see this blessing.

Dr. Kim: Yes, that's good. But I love the story because I think of just how God puts things together and how He makes things happen. You didn't even think anything big is going to happen, when you asked Calais to go on the trip with you and, all of a sudden, he points you in the direction of your wife. And that's just an awesome story. So you do tell a story. When you chose to be vulnerable and authentic instead of hiding, and your teammates surprised you by the way they responded. How did that reaction impact you? What was that reaction? Talk a little bit about that.

Sam: So you're a counselor. You've been doing it for over 35 years. My dad is a counselor as well. And, so, I feel like I know how to maneuver around some of the questions. But it got to a point in my life where I had a close friend of mine say, I think because of all the hiding I was doing, and the waiting, and the pretending. He said, "You need to go talk to someone. Talk to a therapist, it couldn't hurt." And he had just talked with someone. 

And, so, as I'm talking with this therapist, he asked me some questions about my emotions, and hiding. And he recommends I start doing some writing and even listening to music. And, so, I'm doing these things. Well, this was the day we reported to a training camp. So that morning we reported to training camp, I'm sitting with a therapist. 

That night I report to the most grueling part of an NFL season, four to six-week long training camp. And as I'm at training camp, I just realized that I'd been hiding and pretending. And I would go do my job as a way to let it out. I'd go to football. You wear these masks and I could just be this big macho guy, and I started realizing I needed to be more vulnerable. 

And, so, after our first practice, we did a conditioning test. We ran a couple of hundred yard sprints and finished that up. Guys had gone inside. They had showered. They had changed. They had gone over to the dining hall to get some food. Well, I just went to the locker room and I just sat down. And I just sat down, I was processing all that was going on inside of my mind, inside of my heart.

As I'm sitting down and processing, one of my teammates walked in, a guy named Nick Williams. He was new to the team, but we developed a relationship because he loved God, I love God. He had a young family. I had a young family. He wanted to be a good husband. I wanted to be a good husband. So we're getting closer. Nick sees me sitting down, plopped back in my chair, and he says, "Hey, Acho, are you good?"

And, usually, when we receive questions like these, there's always a decision that has to be made. Do you be honest and tell people what you're really going through, or do you just quickly let it pass by, "Oh, I'm okay. I'm tired."

"Oh, long day."

"A lot of my mind."

Those are usually my responses. Well, this time, after sitting down with that counselor and understanding I need to start being real with people. I looked at my teammate, my friend Nick, and I said, "You know what? I'm not doing good." I didn't know how to explain it, or I wasn't at the place where I was naming my emotions. I just knew I wasn't doing okay.

Nick said, "Sam, I don't know what's going on, but whatever it is you got to let it out. You have to let it out." And, so, I did. So I looked to my left and looked to my right, and tears started to flow from my eyes, in the locker room. And, mind you, this is the locker room. NFL, big, bad, macho guys. 

The biggest, the baddest, the best in the business, and I'm crying. And funny enough, another one of my teammates walked in, it wasn't just Nick. Another teammate walked in named Danny. In the locker room, usually, there's other music blasting. Well, he sees me he immediately goes to where the speaker is at, and he changes the music from whatever was blasting on the speakers to I don't know how he figured this out, but to the exact same songs I'd been listening to on my own, in my dorm room the night before.

Dr. Kim: Wow.

Sam: Songs about God's love, and His goodness, and His grace, and how He sees the best in me. And then, all of a sudden, the tears start flowing even more and I didn't know how to control it. I didn't know what to do. But I figured, "All right, well, I've been seen. I've been figured out. Who knows what's next?"

And Danny looked at me, as Nick was sitting next to me, and he says, "Hey, Ach." Because that's what they call me in locker room, they called me Ach. "Hey, Ach, it's really good to see you." Is what he said. "It's nice to see you." 

I was shocked at that response because I was expecting something totally different. I was expecting people either laughing or people going around the other corner, "Do you see Acho over there crying?" He said, "It is good to see you. We've all been there before. I understand what it's like. I'm glad you're able to let it out in front of us, man. We're here for you. We love you."

Dr. Kim: Wow, that's so powerful. And just, again, how God orchestrated the right people to be there, at the right time for you, and everything came together. And then that affirmation of "They're not laughing at me, they're not making fun of me, they're encouraging me." That's so cool. And as guys, we need that. I think to get to the point where we can be that authentic, it's hard for us. And, maybe, it's that fear of the unknown that's there for us a lot. But God just let all things happen in the right way, it sounds like. That's good.

So you say that fear inhibits us from living the life that God intends for us. How do you think your life has become more of what God intended for you, as you've let go of your fears? What benefits have you seen in your life as you let go of fear of being seen and known?

Sam: It's a daily decision, I believe, to choose faith over fear. Every single day, there are things that we could be afraid of. So it's a daily decision that I'm still making. Every single day I got to wake up and say, "Okay, God, I don't know what the future holds, but I'm going to trust you." Even in the process of writing the book. I didn't know what was going to come out. But I knew, "All right, Lord... 

For me, writing was therapy. Writing was actually therapy, for me, it was therapeutic. Oftentimes when I was writing, tears would be falling from my eyes. So when you read this book you'll feel that, you'll understand some of your emotions as well, as you're going through some of these things.

And, so, for me, fear inhibits choosing faith. Put it this way, I care a lot about my image. What do people think about me? How do I look? And I remember, in that same year, in training camp, as I'm going through these emotions, letting people see me. There was a situation where we were going back from a long practice.

They gave us a later snack. So we were all getting our snack, we had some ice cream or something, just as a celebratory kind of thing. Walking back to the dorm, and as we were there, there were these security guards. One of the guys we knew really well. I've been on the team for four years at the time, so I knew him really well. Another guy looked like either his son, or an intern, or just some younger kid who was just there. 

And, so, I'm walking back. We all have our name tags and all these things. And I see my guy, the guy who I know, my friend, and he's check in, "Hey, Sam is here, John is here, Willie is here, Nick is here." You check in. And, so, as I'm walking by, I see my guy getting ahead now I check in, and he sees me and getting ready to check my name off. And I'm walking to my dorm, this young new guy who I didn't even know who he was, where he came from puts his hand out in front of me and says, "Hey, hold on, where are you going?

And I said, "First of all, I don't know you." You know what I mean? He's like, "I need to check your name off the list."

I said, "I'm on the list. You already checked me." 

"No, I need to see your name. What's your name?" 

I said, "Dude, get your hand off of me." And I'm still walking.  And he's like, "Hey, come back, what do you do..." And the guy who I knew, I guess he was attending other people, 

so he didn't see or whatever. I'm like, "Who is this guy?" As I'm walking down the hall, he is like, "I need to get your name." Whatever the guy said. 

And, so, I go to my room and I was livid. I was upset because, honestly, I felt disrespected. I felt singled out, and I also felt seen, but in a way that wasn't the way I wanted to be perceived. This guy saw me and was trying to ruffle my feathers, and I didn't want people to see my feathers being ruffled. So the fact that I even got mad, like, "Hey, man, who are you get your hand off of me?"

And, so, anyways, I remember going to sleep that night. Waking up the next morning and, honestly, because these guys spend the night. The security guard spend the night, to make sure nobody comes in or comes out. I honestly wanted to go a different way, as I left the next day. So I didn't have to see this guy. And as I walked out of my dorm, getting ready to go left, usually, I go right back, I felt like the Lord was like, "Do not be afraid. Do not be afraid." 

Dr. Kim: Mh-hmm.

Sam: "Do not be afraid." [Inaudible 00:22:57] "Well, I'm not afraid."

"Do not be afraid."

And, so, I had a decision to make, "Am I going to hide and avoid? Am I going to confront and resolve?" And, so, instead of going, like, Jonah, away from where I God was calling me, where I was supposed to go. Getting ready to turn the corner, and one time and I stopped again, and the Lord was like, "Do not be afraid." 

And, so, I turn the corner, I see the guy, and I see also my guy. And I just go straight to the guy and I'm like, "Hey, man, I don't know what that was about, yesterday, but we have to respect each other. I don't know you, you don't know me. I know this other guy. We have a relationship, a four-year long relationship. Please don't disrespect me like that again. 

If you have a question, if you want to ask me, whatever, but don't put your hands on me, just ask me. If you would have asked me, you would have seen that your boss, actually, acknowledged me, and saw me, and checked me off the list. 

Yes, I know there are a lot of people, but there's a respectful way to do this. I respect you, so I need you to respect me, and your boss respects you. It's not about NFL, or superstar, or money, it's not about that. It's about we are human beings. 

So please show me, and not just me, anyone else you interact with, show them the respect that you would like to see." And as I'm saying this, he's nodding his head, and apologizing, and also giving excuses. "Well, there was a lot of people." 

As he's saying this, his boss cuts him off and says, "Sam, I'm so sorry." And the guy is still like, "Well, I didn't know, and this is my first day." And I'm like, "Just please show me some respect." And that was that. 

That was a big situation, and mind you, little thing, but in all reality, it's a big thing. It was a big thing. It's a big thing. Am I going to avoid, just say, "Forget this guy, and talk bad about this guy." And say, "Man, don't talk..." Or am I going to address, that was a scary thing for me because I could have gone that way, and this guy could have come back and said, "Yes, where's your name now, Sam." He could have made it bigger and I would have felt smaller. Or I could have said, "Hey, get out of my face, who do you think you are? Whatever it is or I could have hid.

And I believe, to answer your question, how is choosing, we talked about fear inhibiting? How does choosing faith over fear allow me to be more free? It's in the little situations and the little things. Not the big, and grandiose, and world-changing things, it's in the little things. The little discussions, the small acts of obedience, where I've seen my faith grow.

Dr. Kim: And just not being afraid to take those steps.

Sam: Right.

Dr. Kim: Yes, that's really good. I've been reading a You Version devotional. I started reading a couple of days ago. It's about a five-day one. But it's about Meshach, Shadrach, and Abednego, and that part, in their story, when they're going to be thrown into the fire and saying, "God's going to rescue us. But even if he doesn't, He's still our God and we still will worship Him." 

I think the plan is called What if God Doesn't? And part of faith is knowing that God's got a plan and we go forward with it. It may not end up exactly like we thought it would. But He's always going to be there with us, no matter what it is. And, so you turn right instead of left, and it worked out really well.

[00:26:35] < Music >

Announcer: Wherever you are in your marriage today, learn ways to sustain the love, intimacy, and sex into the second half of your marriage. Dr. Kim's newest book, Love, Intimacy, and Sex in the Second Half, is available for preorder right now. This book takes a close-up look at him and Nancy's marriage, from the beginning to now, and it's actually a co-write with Nancy. 

It's so fun to hear from both of them in this book, as they share ways that they have sustained the fun, the flirting, and kept the spark alive into the second half of their marriage. The book's available for right now. You can find the link in today's show notes.

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Do you invite God to work in your home, in your marriage? Why is it that the most powerful step is one that we often forget to take? God tells us that His Word is living, active, powerful, able to transform hearts and lives, and that it's useful for teaching and training. Praying Scripture over your marriage is a powerful discipline and an active way to intentionally grow your marriage. 

We've created these 27 beautifully designed Scripture prayer cards to help you pray the Word over your marriage, and watch God do what only he can do. You won't regret the time you spend with God's Word or the time you spend praying for your marriage. Find this edifying resource at awesomemarriage.com by clicking Strengthen My Marriage under the Resources Dropdown or by using the link that you can find today in the episode show notes.

[00:28:02] < Music >

Dr. Kim: So you talk about how stepping into who we really are is healthy for us, but also blesses others. Have you seen that happen?

Sam: That year, and we talked about Nick and Danny changing the music and seeing me in my tears and my shame, that was a rough year for me. I, after that situation, was just me being vulnerable, and real, and growing, and ups and downs, and turning right instead of left. Around that same time my wife and I were having our third child, and she had some complications. This is in the same little time frame and it was just a very trying time. Where I didn't know if she was going to make it. So that happened, she's okay but that happened.

Well, about a week or two after that. I'm going into the season as the starter, and we trade for a guy to, essentially, come and take my spot. So that happened. Well, a few weeks after that, while playing in the game. I'm going and I'm doing my thing and, all of a sudden, my arm loses its strength, feels weak, and I'd realize I'd torn my pec. So that happened. 

But, also, those are all big, heavy, hard things. Sometimes when I say it, I just breeze over it. Those aren't things, if anyone's listening, as I'm learning, and Dr. Kim will tell you, don't breeze over those things, it was a hard season.

But also another thing I know about me is that I love just sitting, and being with people, and listening, and learning from them. But I also realized I never really had a chance to do that because I was always so focused on playing, and trying to be the best in the season, and my job. And, so, since I was injured, I had some more time to, actually, love and care for my teammates. And, to your question, of how did being me not only bless me, but bless others. 

The real me, yes, is a fiery competitor, and I played nine years in the NFL. You don't do that by accident. I started for over half of my career, that's a part of me. But there's another part that just wants to listen, love, learn, and serve, and I got a chance to do that that season. 

To listen to my teammates, to love them, to be a good friend to them, to serve them, to spend time with them. To be the kind of friend that they didn't have. Oftentimes when you're a celebrity, you've got family members taking things from you. You have fans who are asking things from you. You have coaches who are almost, sometimes, putting you down. But you don't have friends who can listen to you, and who can trust you, and who you can trust, and I became that for my teammates.

Well, lo and behold, we that year, for the first time in seven, eight years, the Bears were back in the playoffs. We had our best season to date. We were 12 and four, made the playoffs, and I didn't even play a majority of the season. But the role that I did play was a role of a servant, being the real me, listening, serving, loving, and my teammates had their best seasons as well.

So it benefited me internally and also getting closer to God, but it also benefited my teammates. Because it helped them on the field, in their jobs, and, also, I'm sure, in their personal lives as well.

Dr. Kim: Wow. So did you just see that evolve, Sam, as those things happened? And, then, when the injury happened and you knew you weren't going to be able to play. And, then, you were just there and God began to use you?

Sam: Yes, well, I mean, I was still going to meetings. My teammates had asked about doing a Bible study. They wanted to learn more about God. And, so, I'm like, "Shoot, I'll do it, I don't care." And, so, we were doing this Bible study, but then I got injured. And, so, I didn't have to go to practice. But I would still get to the facility early to help lead this Bible study. It was three, four, five. It started growing to, maybe, 10 guys. But it was something I wanted to do. So it just evolved, it happened. 

And, then, in addition to that, I'd be in meetings, sitting, taking notes. And as I was in those meetings, I realized, "Okay, I'm not playing in the game. So why am I here? Why am I really here? Am I here to look good? Am I here maybe here to help my teammates out?" But so I started using that time for some personal self-reflection as well. I'd be writing a ton about, "God, what do you need from me?"

"What would you have for me during this season?"

And as I was writing, I started realizing, "Oh, my teammates need me not to take notes for them or to help them watch film. They just need someone to talk to, someone to spend time with. We would do defense dinners. I play outside linebacker; we would do defense dinners. And I used to love setting those things up, with all of the defense. Just to hang out on a Thursday night, watch the Thursday night game, and just fellowship. And I made sure not to miss the dinner. 

Sometimes people have things come up, "I got this, I got that." I would just show up, especially, when it was from one of my friends who he also loves hosting. 

I would just show up just to kick it, just to hang out. So those things evolved and I knew that was important to him. Even got to the point, too, where I wasn't traveling to the games because they had limits on people who could travel. And I would go to the home games, but not the away games. 

Well, finally, I asked my coach, I said, "Coach, would you mind if I go to the away games as well?"

And he said, "Sam, why?"

Because, initially, I was in a sling. I had to do rehab, and I wasn't supposed to travel. I got out of my sling. I said, "Man, I just want to be there for the guys." Well, what he did know is that one of my teammates, the same guy who would host these defense dinners, and a star on the field. He loved when I prayed with him before the game. So I just would travel to the games just so I could pray with him before the game. And, yes, we did the team locker room prayers, and I would lead those. But in addition to those, I would just spend time with him in prayer. 

Dr. Kim: That's so cool.

Sam: Yes, those are the things that I didn't set out on a season saying, "Okay, I want to get injured."

"I want my wife to go through trauma. I want to go through trauma." But that's, I hate to say the hand I was dealt, but that's the door. That's the opportunity God gave for me, "Hey, Sam, I need you to serve this year. I need you to grow." I continued to go to counseling that year. Every Monday, I play on Sundays, so every Monday at about 11:00 o'clock I was in a counselor's office, sitting, listening, learning, growing. Taking care of myself so I could help serve others.

Dr. Kim: That's really neat. And, I think, when some bad things happen to us, we have a choice, at that point, of how do we react to that? Do we see is this an opportunity like you saw, that God gave you, or do we just hole up for a year, and heal, and waste that year? 

So, I think, it's such a good message for us to see if things don't go the way we want. That doesn't mean God still doesn't have a plan for us and He does, and it may be totally different than what we had. But it was really fulfilling for you, it sounds like, and, certainly, for those that you ministered to during that year.

Sam: Yes, absolutely.

Dr. Kim: So let's talk about marriage a little bit. Because we like to see marriage, couples thrive. One of our core values is helping couples find the marriage that God's designed for them. So what are some of the ways that you found to thrive in marriage, and does authenticity help with that?

Sam: 100%, yes, authenticity does help. I'm still learning. I'm about 40 whatever, 34 years behind you, Dr. Kim, you and your wife, maybe even 40-something. I'm still learning how to be a better husband. And what I mean by that is how to be honest with my wife about my fears. How to be vulnerable with her about my dreams, things that I really want. How to listen to her and hear about her desires, and her goals, and her dreams. 

I was listening to one of my friends, he said something to the effect of, oftentimes, when you're so driven, and you're just going and going. You're driven, you're on this train, and you get on this train and you just go, go, go. 

But, oftentimes, your spouse or significant other is mangled on the train tracks, as you're going on this path. And that really resonated with me because I saw myself going down that path. "All right, I'm going to do this NFL, it's going to be great." But I was leaving my wife behind. Emotionally leaving her behind, mentally, physically, all these things, I was leaving her behind because I was so, driven is not the right word, but I think distracted is, probably, a better word.

I wasn't focused on the things that God had put in front of me. He didn't just put one thing in front of me. He put things in front of me, beside me, and behind me, and I got a little bit distracted, is a better word, by the shiny object and oh, NFL, and all these things. Instead of saying, "You know what, God, you've given me a few shiny objects. You've given me a wife, you've given me three kids, given me a family, loved ones. Let's start to do this thing together."

And, so, sharing, honestly, with my wife, and I'm still learning how to do that. To share with her some of the things that are my deep fears and desires. Letting her know when I need some time, need some space, when I need to go talk to a counselor. Those are some things that I've seen prove beneficial.

Dr. Kim: I think so. You're comparing our age difference. There are times that I don't think it can ever be counted as completely easier, it hadn't for me. I know that I've seen the results of being vulnerable, of sharing with Nancy, of sharing my fears. Of making sure she's alongside me in everything. But it's something we have to continue to be conscious of and work on. Because we live in a world that tells us, pulls us all kinds of different ways and, certainly, the world that you are living in.

So we've got some people listening, today, some guys, especially, and they're saying, "Man, that sounds good. I want to do that. How do I do it?" So what practices, what habits, have helped you become more authentic with yourself that others could use and learn from?

Sam: One of the habits, just going back to marriage real quick, before I dive deep into that question, is praying together with my wife. And we talked about this at the very beginning of the podcast, but it's hard to be angry when you pray. Actually we talked about this offline. I asked you, "Man, what are some marriage tips?" 

So you have to get the super subscription to hear that part of the podcast. But praying together has proven super beneficial. Because even when I'm angry with my wife is one piece or even when I don't want to share my dreams with her. As I'm praying, I'm sharing my dreams with God, and she'll still hear those. You know what I mean? And vice versa.

Dr. Kim: Exactly, yes.

Sam: So praying with my wife has been something extremely important. We try to pray in the mornings, we try to pray in the nights, together. Just to have time together, doing things with her. You know what I mean? Things we can do whether it's fasting, together, some of these different things as a unit. 

Individually, one of the biggest things is having some people to talk to, individually. Having people to talk to, to share with. To let it out with, like I had with Nick and Danny, in the locker room, like I had with my counselor. Having someone, especially, as a guy, somebody to talk to, even if it's the guy who cuts your hair. Someone you can talk to just to let it out because we have so much going on in our hearts. So much angst and so much weight that we carry. Just being able to let it out is of the utmost importance. Instead of thinking we could just carry it on our own.

Dr. Kim: Yes, I think so. I mean, a lot of therapy is talking. It's getting things out. You talked about, in writing the book, and how therapeutic that was for you. I mean, I think, those times when we get it out of our head and get it out, either verbally or writing it out, makes such a big difference. What would you say to someone that's realized that they are hiding their authentic self? Maybe they thought that, they listened today, and they thought, "Man, that's nailing me." What's their first step?

Sam: Well, I would say first, I've been there before. Even now, I feel like I'm in and out of it now. With being at home and not knowing what the future holds. So I'm with you, I feel you. I know exactly where you're coming from. But I will say that there is a freedom that does exist that is available to you. 

There is a freedom that's available to you, and it's as easy as being real, being vulnerable. I can go to Scripture, and I think it's Jeremiah 29:13 and it says, "You will seek me and you will find me, when you seek me with your whole heart." There's something about doing something with your whole heart. Even with the book, as well, you'll see myriad of examples there. 

There's a freedom that exists on the other side of what you feel like is a stall, or stale, or stagnant, even a stalemate, there's a freedom. It's not like you got to stop right here. As you talk it out, maybe write it out, maybe listen to some music. As you share your emotions and name them and start to realize, "Okay, I'm angry right now."

Or "I'm sad."

I said that the other day, I was like, "Man, I'm really sad right now." I said that because I was trying to figure out, "What is going on? Why am I acting this way? I'm really sad. Why am I sad?" Oh, wow, I've been playing the NFL the last nine years. This is my first season not playing. And, yes, I want to transition. Yes, I'm ready and I'm excited. I'm ready to do all these other things. But, man, I feel like I'm leaving something behind. I want to be able to lament a little bit and just think back, "I'm sad."

Naming those emotions gives you a better chance to control them. And I know a lot of men listening, we love being in control, and women as well. Naming your emotions is one key that I would say. And, also, there's a devotional I read called Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young, and that's a daily time to remind myself, just this idea that "I'm for you. I'm not against you. I'm not going to rush you. I don't want anything from you, I just want you. I just want you, that's all."

Dr. Kim: Wow. I think God taught me, when we're talking a lot of things are going through my mind right now. But we're talking about being vulnerable with our spouse and being our authentic, true self. I think God taught me how to be vulnerable with Him. And maybe that sounds weird, but I don't know why I would think I could hide things from God. I mean, it's a silly notion since He knows everything, anyway. 

But I think just when He got me to that point where I was totally vulnerable with Him, honest with Him. Even if I was upset with Him, I could say it and He wouldn't fall off His throne because I got upset with Him. And I think that allowed me to then be more vulnerable with Nancy and, certainly, others that God would bring into my life. 

But, for me, that first step was really knowing I could be vulnerable with Him. He still loved me, He still cared for me. He wasn't going to love me less, today because I was vulnerable, or admitted I was scared, or sad or anything. No, when I did that, I just felt Him come alongside me. 

It was like, "Yes, I get that." Kind of what you're saying when you're saying you understand, you've been there. When other guys talk to you about that, you've been there. Well, God knows everything and, so, it's a great first step. And I think that the way God has used that in your life, not only to mold and shape you. But now that you can share that with other people, it's really good. What about the next year or so with you, marriage, kids? What are you looking forward to?

Sam: I was talking to a good friend of mine, who had gone through a transition himself. I was saying, "Man, I don't know what future holds and what to expect. I have no idea what's next."

And he said, "That's beautiful, it's a clean slate. You get to create. You get to be an artist. You get to help design that." And, so, what I'm looking forward to is really spending some time with my wife, and, almost, designing, dreaming with her, and saying, "Okay, what do we want?" 

I'm looking forward to spending some time with the Lord and saying, "All right, God, put some desire, whatever your desires are, even help me to understand what mine are, and help me to have the courage to go after them." That's what I'm looking forward to because there's so much, not just with me, with anyone. So much that's up in the air, and it's in a good way. And, so, I'm asking the Lord, and also, you said, I'm looking forward to spending time with my wife, and saying, "Okay, what do we desire?"

"What do we want this next year to five, 10, to look like?" And who knows? It may be exactly what we write down, what we talk about. Or it may be like that season where, no, I didn't write it down, but it was better than we could have ever imagined.

Dr. Kim: Yes. But I love the fact that you're talking about it, the two of you together. The team thing, which you know all about team. But I think the most important team is the one that we live with. With our spouse and our kids, and making sure that we're all together, the same page. And seeing our wives as that life partner, as we do dream and plan for the future. 

And I loved what you said, earlier, about listening to her dreams and what does she want? And, I think, sometimes, as guys, we don't always consider that. And, yet, my gosh, God's given our wives incredible abilities and gifts to use.

Sam, this has been awesome. The book is Let the World See You: How to Be Real in a World Full of Fakes. Guy, pick it up. I mean, if this has pricked something in you. If you've liked what you've heard from Sam, today, the book is going to take you that much farther. And, hopefully, for all of us, to get us where we are more authentic. Where we are willing to be more vulnerable with ourselves, and with God, and our spouse, and other people. Besides the book, other ways that people can find you. If they want to say, "Hey, I want to follow Sam."

Sam: Yes, first of all, thank you all for listening. I appreciate it. Dr. Kim, thanks for having me on. Thanks for the marriage tips that only the super subscribers are going to get. The ones you had before we started recording, thanks for that.

Yes, if anybody wants to follow me. I'm on social media @thesamacho T-H-E-S-A-M-A-C-H-O. I'm on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram. If you want to connect with me, all the info is also on my website samachobook.com. You could also get a sneak preview, if you haven't got the book already, to listen to the audio version. And, also, all the links to get the book you can find them there as well.

Dr. Kim: That sounds great, Sam, it's been great. I was excited to get to meet you today. I feel like I got a new friend. Thank you for spending time and joining us on The Awesome Marriage podcast, today.

Sam: Awesome, thanks so much, Dr. Kim.

Dr. Kim: You bet.

[00:47:32] < Outro >

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