5 Ways to Make It To Your 50th Anniversary | Ep. 565

[00:00:00] < Intro >

Lindsay: Welcome to The Awesome Marriage Podcast. A place for honest conversations and practical advice on how to build an awesome marriage. I am your podcast producer and co-host, Lindsay Few. On the show will be our host, Dr. Kim Kimberling. Dr. Kim is a marriage counselor and has been married for over 50 years. His passion is to help you strengthen your most intimate relationships.

Today we are talking about building a marriage that lasts. Dr. Kim's newest book, Love, Intimacy, and Sex in the Second Half comes out this summer and it's available for preorder right now. So in honor of the book release, we are talking, today, about how to make a marriage that lasts and in fact grows better with time. We know that marriage is less of a sprint and more of a marathon. But just wanting to stay married is not enough to keep you in it for the long haul. 

Before we get into today's topic, if you have not subscribed to our podcast email, yet, you're missing the best way to get bonus content and all the links we mention in each episode, in one place. So links like the preorder link we just talked about for the book and anything else we talk about, you'll find in that email. 

As an added bonus, you actually get our four-week Connection Challenge for free when you sign up. You can sign up for that today at awesomemarriage.com/podcast. So Dr. Kim, how many years have you and Nancy been married?

Dr. Kim: We've been married 53 years. Every time when we think about it together, it seems like, "Is it really?" This seems like it's gotten, in so many ways, it's gone through fast and, probably, slow in some other ways. But, yes, it's been 53 years. And we dated for two, so we've been together like 55 years now.

Lindsay: Wow, it's a long time.

Dr. Kim: So it's a long time.

Lindsay: That's awesome. So our culture tells us that marriage gets boring over time. What do you say to that idea?

Dr. Kim: I just think that's a myth, for sure. Because I think that, well, one, we grow, we change. I've seen that in each other. So there's always something more to learn about your spouse. I mean, I really don't think you can learn everything there's to know about your spouse in a lifetime. Even if you're real intentional about it. 

So because we change, we grow, all those things, there's always so many things that you can talk about in a marriage and just continue to grow together. And, then, certainly, you can relive pastimes that are really fun, and if you can afford to have new things. 

But just seeing marriage as an adventure, which I think we have most of our marriage. Even with the hard times, and just always wanting to embrace that, and to enjoy that. 

And, so, I just don't think it gets boring unless we let it get boring. And there are way too many people that do that or just get in a rut. Maybe they're not bored, but it's just a rut. You're doing the same things and they're not really connecting you. They're not really taking care of the touch points that you have every day. And, so, you just fall into this pattern, and we miss a lot when we do that.

Lindsay: Yes, that's great. And I love hearing you refute that myth. Because you say that a lot, that we can never learn everything there is to learn about our spouse. And it's true when you think about it, it's easy to think we know everything there is. But we don't because we are always growing and changing.

Dr. Kim: No. There was something I can't even remember what it was. A couple of weeks ago Nancy shared, that I'd never heard before. Something happened when she was growing up. And it was just like, "I don't think you've ever told me that before." 

And she goes, "I don't think I've told you that." I mean, it wasn't like she was nuts and she was hiding. It was really interesting, and I think it helped me understand that part of her life better. And, so, yes, just think about it, most people don't marry someone that they were in the same nursery with. So they know everything all the way through. And, so, there's a lot of their life before you met that you didn't know about. And then even as you go through life together, and enjoy things together, and build together.

Lindsay: Yes, that's good. So were you and Nancy always, totally, confident you'd make it to your 50th anniversary and beyond?

Dr. Kim: I mean, obviously, when we got married, it wasn't like, "Okay, we're going to see if this works out and if it doesn't, part." But I think that year six, and we talk about, there was such a hard year for us that we really did have divorce on the table, and it was really close. But, then, when we made that decision together, that we were going to take it off the table. I think that was the time, if we live that long we're going to still be together. 

And, so, yes, there were always times, even after that, that we could have. Because we still had some rough times, and we had things we had to work through, and we just had all the things that couples work through baggage, and just differences, and all those things. And, sometimes, you think you've got all of it figured out and then, all of a sudden, you get in a different season of marriage like with having kids or them becoming teens. And you think, "Mm, we're not on the same page, again. How are we going to work through this?"

And, so, yes, we could have, but we didn't. And I think the more we learned how to put God first and each other second, that was really the key. 

Not that we ever have been perfect at that, but that's always been our goal. And the times in our life, in our marriage, when we do that. When God really is first in our individual lives, and the other person, Nancy, is second in mine, I'm, second in hers those are the best times. 

Because God's not going to have you put anybody else second besides your spouse. And with Him first, then, you're going to be more of the spouse that God created you to be. So it's not easy to do that all the time, but it's a goal we want to get to and work on that every day.

Lindsay: Yes, that's really good. So let's get into some of the practical ways to do that because we're going to cover five in today's episode. So if we're talking about growing love, intimacy, and sex in the second half. Making it to the 50th anniversary. What is one way to make that happen?

Dr. Kim: I think what we would both say, now, it is what I just talked about God first. Being really intentional about our relationship with Him. And then being intentional with Him first, the spouse second, and a part goes into that is embracing the touch points every day. And the thing that we talk about, too, the 24/7, 365 foreplay. Which isn't only about sex, it's really about how you treat each other all the hours of the day. And when you do that well, when you're kind to each other, you listen to each other. 

You do all those things that we talk about that make such a difference in marriage, then, you grow in those areas because you're more connected, you're closer. So your physical relationship gets better, your emotional relationship gets better, you feel more connected. By putting God first, you grow spiritually together. So putting Him first and being intentional about that, and your spouse second would still be the number one thing.

Lindsay: Mh-hmm, that's good. And I like that God first, spouse second is very simple. But also you put a couple of other things in there that are showing that you actually are putting your spouse second. Ways to actually prioritize and be intentional with that, which is really good.

Dr. Kim: Yes, that being second is an action step in your marriage. It's what you say, what you do, what you think. We talked before a lot about reframing your spouse if it gets negative. And, so, all of those things go together in putting your spouse second. To make it where it really makes a difference in your marriage.

Lindsay: Yes, it's not just an idea, it's actually an action.

Dr. Kim: You're right, you flesh it out every day.

Lindsay: That's awesome. That's really good. So what's way number two?

Dr. Kim: I think connection every day. That's so important because the couples that I see that come in for counseling, that drift apart, somehow, all of a sudden, they're not taking advantage of those connections. They're not connecting and you just need that. It's like we can't store up connection. It's got to be something that we continually work on. 

So if Nancy and I connected great for a month and then we quit for a month. Well, a month later we're not going to feel connected. It is something you have to do and you do that with things we talk about all the time. 

Spending time together every day. Just making sure you got 10 or 15 minutes face to face without any eruptions, to having your date nights. Whether you do that home or out, I think, you should have one every week. And you can do them at home, after the kids are in bed, or you can do it at home if the kids are spending the night out, or you can go out. There's all kinds of ways to make that happen in creative ways, and it doesn't always have to be at night. It can be noon, it can be afternoon, anything like that. 

I think planning a getaway a couple of times a year. Whatever you can afford, you don't want to really to go into debt for something like that, but that's important. There's just something about going away and it just needs to be the two of you. We did things some with other couples and, obviously, we did a lot with the kids, and sometimes with grandkids on trips. But this needs to be just the two of you, where there's no distractions. It's just the two of you and wherever you decide to go together. 

And, so, the other thing for connection would be communication, obviously, goes into being part of that. And that's not just time you're in front of each other, face to face. It's just during the day, maybe, it's just a text in the middle of day saying, "Hey, I'm thinking about you, I love you." Or anything like that. And, then, the other thing that connects us a lot is non-sexual touch. And that's something we... 

God created us all these touch receptors in our bodies. And, so, that touch, when you get a hug from your spouse, a really good hug, when you've been down. I mean, it energizes you and it connects you. And, so, looking for those things, it all falls under connection. The time, the dates, the getaways, the making sure you're communicating, and the non-sexual touch, all go together and all of those help build connection.

Lindsay: Mh-hmm, that's really good. Yes, I feel like if you just take a few of those things. Start with the easier ones, everyday ones, and then you can work in the other ones. But that's going to provide a lot of connection.

Dr. Kim: Yes, when you just start thinking about, "Okay, how can we connect?" And, maybe, you talk about that, and you say, "Okay, what do we got this week? How are we going to connect? Where are we going to connect? Where's our time together? How do we use that time?" Not that you have to over structure and plan. 

But, sometimes, a week you can say, "Yes, we're going to really connect this week." And if you don't do something intentional about it, a week passes and you think, "Well, we'll connect better this next week." And, so, it is something that takes some thought and intentionality to make that happen.

Lindsay: I think so, too, and, for me, one thing that can be challenging with that is I don't really see everything that's going to happen in a week. And, so, we have some form of a check in. It's, usually, maybe, I'll shoot Brian a text or an email that says, "Here's bullet points of what we've got on the schedule this week." Just so we both know when are the days that were slammed? When are the days that we have some time? 

Because, you're right, you have to carve out that time to be intentional. Otherwise, it's just going to get eaten up with busyness or stuff that just has to get done. Your marriage isn't going to scream out for attention the way that your bills do. You can get 18 calls from the cable company.

Dr. Kim: Or the kids do.

Lindsay: The kids, exactly. That's good.

[00:11:37] < Music >

Announcer: Wherever you are in your marriage today, learn ways to sustain the love, intimacy, and sex into the second half of your marriage. Dr. Kim's newest book, Love, Intimacy, and Sex in the Second Half, is coming out this summer. And it's available for preorder right now. 

This book takes a close-up look at him and Nancy's marriage, from the beginning to now, and it's actually a co-write with Nancy. It's so fun to hear from both of them in this book. As they share ways that they have sustained the fun, the flirting, and kept the spark alive into the second half of their marriage. The book's available for preorder right now. You can find the link to preorder this book in today's show notes.

[00:12:23] < Music >

Lindsay: So what is way number three?

Dr. Kim: Having fun. That's so important and, sometimes, we don't make a priority. But just doing fun things together, maybe, trying new things together, laughing together. Just those things that just, what did you do for fun before you got married? What do you consider fun now? And just make sure that those things happen and, again, it's being intentional about it. 

I mean, you get to the point where we try to have fun every day, just being together. And, so, you don't have to do something spectacular to have fun together, but just enjoying each other. You enjoyed each other when you were dating, I think, or you wouldn't have gotten married.

Lindsay: Right.

Dr. Kim: And we had a lot of fun, tried a lot of different things when we were dating. And, so, it's always been important to us to have fun. There's just something that connects you having fun together and it's something that's really healthy for you. Laughing together is just amazing, what it does for you.

Lindsay: Totally.

Dr. Kim: And being able to laugh at each other and the little things that we have. When together, we do something funny or silly and just being able to laugh at that. So not taking ourselves too serious, having fun, those things.

Lindsay: That's really good. And you guys have receipts, I mean, we see you on Instagram, and on TikTok, and you guys are doing all kinds of fun stuff. And it's really cool to see that you don't take yourselves too seriously. You just have fun and enjoy doing silly stuff together. So if any of the listeners have not seen Dr. Kim and Nancy on Instagram or TikTok, you can find those links in the show notes. But it's really fun to watch you guys play around with that stuff.

Dr. Kim: And we have fun doing it, which is good, too. And it's been interesting because Nancy's never really been on the face of Awesome Marriage until we started doing some of this stuff together. And, so, now, she'll be out and somebody will recognize her and it's so weird for "I saw you on TikTok, I saw you on Instagram." So that's what our purpose and all that stuff is, to help people have better marriages, for sure.

Lindsay: Yes, and that's awesome. That's really cool. So what is our next way to make it to our 50th anniversary?

Dr. Kim: I think it's fun to keep planning for the future. Always have something, maybe, it's a trip or maybe it's something you want to do together. Maybe you want to move to the country sometime, or maybe you want to do the house in a way, once the kids are out, to redo a room or two. So you can have an office, or you can have a game room, or something you want together, or whatever like that. 

So planning for the future, things to do together, trips, experiences, all those things just keep you forward-looking a little bit. It's fun to have things to look forward to, anticipate. And, so, besides this we're always looking forward to holidays. Christmas holidays and other holidays that we spend time with family. But, together, planning for things just for the two of us, for the future, is really just a good way to just keep some excitement going.

Lindsay: Mh-hmm, yes, that's cool. And that shared goal, I feel like that's really huge. I do feel like when you're working together towards something, you're looking forward to, that's really energizing, and it's a bond, too.

Dr. Kim: Yes, it really is, and it's fun. We planned a trip, we were going to Boston. I was going to speak in Albany, New York, and we planned and we had so much fun. I mean, we even went to the bookstore and looked at books on travel we did online, too. But we thought, "Let's just go to the bookstore and sit down, together, and pull some of those travel books." And looked at some of those, and buying a couple." 

And, so, just as you plan that and begin to look forward to it. Figuring out where we were going to stay, and we tried to find some unique places to stay; one in New Hampshire, one in Vermont. And, so, it was just really fun to do that. And then when you live it out, it's something you really experience well, together, when you're both in on the whole process.

Lindsay: Mh-hmm, that's cool, and I'm going to take that note, too. Because we want to plan a trip, next summer, to celebrate our 20th anniversary, which is this summer. But it's like we're on the beginning side, where it's a little bit daunting to know where to start. But I think you're right, that sharing the process, it will add to the anticipation and excitement of it.

Dr. Kim: It does, it really is fun. Like Nancy, I remember we were going to stay at a certain place in Vermont. And, then, she was messing around and found another place that just looked so cool. And, so, we just switched, so we did that, that was fun, too.

Lindsay: Yes, because you can't do everything but you can scheme together about what's really like the best.

Dr. Kim: Exactly, things that we thought would be fun to experience together.

Lindsay: That's cool. So what is our fifth and final way to make your marriage last?

Dr. Kim: Never take your marriage or each other for granted, just to continue to pursue each other. Sometimes we get lazy or we get tired, and I get that that can be there for a little while, just don't let that continue. I always say about anything if you miss it one day, then, don't miss it two. 

And, so, just the same thing as that, and just valuing that marriage really is a gift that God gave you. That He really does have a plan for your marriage and for each other, and to just continue to pursue that and pursue each other. And if you do that every day, you're not going to worry so much about taking divorce off the table because it's probably not going to come up. 

Lindsay: Mh-hmm.

Dr. Kim: It's probably not going to be something that you think about because you're enjoying and embracing the gift. And that doesn't mean every day is going to be perfect, or you don't have some hard days, or have things to deal with. But it helps you see each other better, as a team, and that we work things together. And, so, whatever comes your way, you say, "Okay, we didn't really like this happening, but, together, with God's help, we can face this challenge." And then move through it. So just not taking it for granted, and always seeing that we're together for a lifetime.

Lindsay: Mh-hmm, that's really good. And you've talked a lot about, too, the power of gratitude and how that changes our perspective. And I'm hearing that, too, in what you're saying is we can't take it for granted but, also, if we are grateful, and practicing gratefulness, and gratitude, it's going to shape what we're seeing and we're going to see more of the good.

Dr. Kim: Absolutely.

Lindsay: That's huge.

Dr. Kim: Yes, absolutely.

Lindsay: I love that. So, I mean, I was asking you questions about how to make it to your 50th anniversary. But really what you've done is given us ways to still be having a great marriage. Not just to stick it out, but really have an awesome time.

Dr. Kim: Exactly, and when we look back, and I said this last week, Nancy and I talked about it, but somebody said, "Well, what would you change?" And as I thought about that question, I don't think I'd change anything because we learned to let God work in everything. 

And, so, even the things that, probably, were never going on a highlight reel of our marriage. But because God worked in it, we learned and we grew through it. And we both agree that God has, probably, grown us more through the difficult times than He has through the other times. We enjoyed it, we love the good times. 

But the times where we've really had to dig in. We've had to trust Him, we've had to trust each other, we had to work together. Those are the things that have really grown our marriage. And, sometimes, people don't see those as opportunities. They see those as a reason to exit and they're not. It's just those are the things that build your marriage over time. And it also gives you a chance to see how much God cares for you and cares for your marriage. Because when you invite Him in, He's going to give you answers and solutions that you don't have without Him. 

So that would be my last thing, probably.

Lindsay: That's really good. And it reminds me in 2 Corinthians 12 when Paul says that the Lord told him, "My strength is made perfect in your weakness." It's in those places where we recognize we need help and we're weak, that's where we can really see Him work.

Dr. Kim: Yes, absolutely.

Lindsay: And it turns it around.

Dr. Kim: It completely turns it around, and when you get on the other side, you can really be grateful for that. I've had couples that have gone through adultery and let God work and, probably, a couple of years later, but almost every one of them that does that hard work says, "We hated what happened, but our marriage is better than it's ever been."

Lindsay: Mh-hmm.

Dr. Kim: And it just shows how God can because that's, probably, one of the most devastating things that can happen in a marriage. And, so, when that happens and to see that God can bring something that good out of it. It just gives us all hope of what He can do if we just allow Him to do that, and we're willing to do our part.

Lindsay: Yes, that's true, that's so good. So, Dr. Kim, do you have any final piece of advice for our listeners, today?

Dr. Kim: Well, I think people are going to enjoy the book from that perspective. It was so much fun to do it together. I don't know, I think we both learned a few things and, sometimes, you don't tell everything that's going on in your mind. And, so, certain topics we'd share some things in it and we tried to be really transparent in it. And I think that's something people not only will enjoy, but it will help them in that season of life and preparing for that season on life. 

So I'm excited about that. And, also, just final piece of advice, just to know that there's always hope no matter where your marriage is today, that we have a God that works miracles and you're on His list. And, so, don't give up, just hang in there, get help if you need it, whatever it takes, because you can make it to 52.

Lindsay: Mh-hmm, yes, oh, that's good. That's really good. So where can listeners preorder the book and why should they do that?

Dr. Kim: Well, on the awesomemarriage.com there is a link and then the link to the publisher's website is loveinthesecondhalfbook.com We'll put that in the show notes. Right now all pre-orders get $5 off, so it's going to be a 19.99 book. And, so, you can get $5 off of that, if you preorder, and, then, it goes to regular price when the pub date, which is July 11th. 

I think preorders helps us a lot. It helps get the name of the book out there. It helps us in the ratings so more people find out about the book. So we'd love for you to preorder the book and you'll get it the first day it's out. You'll get it on the 11th, you'll get it, probably, before anybody else. And, so, I just encourage you to do that. I think you'll enjoy it and give us some feedback on it.

Lindsay: Yes, absolutely. So look at the show notes for that, wherever you're listening you can find those. Obviously, if you subscribe to the podcast email, like we talked about at the top of the episode, we'll send it straight to you. And you can also look at awesomemarriage.com where you can find that link. And it's really exciting to see this book take shape, Dr. Kim, and see you guys share all these things. 

And you've got so much great experience and wisdom from your marriage and from counseling, and I just love seeing that hope be delivered to people. Because there is so much excitement and joy, like you've shared today, that we can still dig into.

Dr. Kim: Right, and I want people to value marriage. I want them to see, "Oh, this is God's perfect plan for couples in a relationship." And, so, I think people enjoy it and I'm excited about it.

Lindsay: Yes, totally. So don't forget to check the show notes for that link. And wherever your marriage is, today, we hope that you thrive through the second half and that you do have a marriage that's really worth enjoying and celebrating. And this book will equip and encourage you to do just that. Thanks so much for sharing your time with us, today. Have a great day and do something awesome for your marriage, today.

[00:24:37] < Outro >

Announcer: Thanks for listening to The Awesome Marriage podcast. This podcast is brought to you by the Ministry of Awesome Marriage and produced by Lindsay Few with music by Noah Copeland. If you haven't signed up for Dr. Kim's Weekly Marriage Multiplier Email, we encourage you to do so today. Marriage is hard and life is busy, which is why we need real, practical reminders of ways to build an awesome marriage. Sign up today to get this quick and compelling email from Dr. Kim each week. If you enjoyed this content, share the podcast with a friend.