What Wives Wish Their Husband Knew About Sex | Ep. 576

[00:00:00] < Intro >

Lindsay: Welcome to The Awesome Marriage Podcast. A place for honest conversations and practical advice, on how to build an awesome marriage. I am your podcast producer and co-host Lindsay Few. On the show will be our host, Dr. Kim Kimberling. Dr. Kim is a marriage counselor and has been married for over 50 years. His passion is to help you strengthen your most intimate relationship.

Sex is consistently listed as one of the top issues couples have in marriage. Why is it such a point of tension? We believe one reason is because it matters. It's not only important to a marriage, but also because it's part of God's design. Healthy sex in marriage reflects God's design, and it helps the marriage. But when tension creeps in, it can do exactly the opposite.

So this month we're going deep on the topic, as we hear from our Awesome Marriage audience and from some wise biblical teachers. Because this topic is so charged, we come to you today, really, prayerfully and humbly. With the goal that you and your marriage will grow healthier and more free, when it comes to sex. So, Dr. Kim, today, we get to hear from the women. Are you ready?

Dr. Kim: I am, ready.

Lindsay: All right.

Dr. Kim: I'm excited about this whole series, though, I think, it's going to be great. Our special guests are great; these topics are great.

Lindsay: Yes, we've got some interesting comments. So I'm looking forward to hearing your responses, your advice, and your wisdom on this. So some of these are a bunch of comments, compiled into one general thought because things have the same core issue. But the first thing we heard was, "It's not just physical. I wish my husband knew, it starts before you get into the bedroom, and I need you to connect with me emotionally." What do you say to a wife who has that concern?

Dr. Kim: Well, she's telling us a lot of what I hear from women. What we talk about 24/7, 365 foreplay. It really is what happens the rest of the hours of the day. Depending on how a woman is going to feel in a sex relationship with her husband, and the closeness, and all that. And, a lot of times, guys, it's hard for us to get that because we don't start the same way our wives do.

In our wives, it's so much about the nature of their relationship, and so much of the guys, certainly, that's important. But it's a lot about the physical, and the attraction, and those kind of things, our sex drive, things like that.

And, so, we can't ignore our spouse all day. We can't fight with her, we can't talk harshly with her, and then, all of a sudden, to expect her to respond sexually. And I've had so many women say that in counseling, with their husbands. Well, he says, "Well, we're not having enough sex."

And she says, "Well, you did this, this, and this and by the time you want to have sex, I wasn't even sure if I liked you, today." Those kind of things. So for guys it's really learning to value that in our wives. Because it helps us understand our wives better. But, also, it gives a deeper meaning to the sexual relationship. Because when we talk about a mingling of souls, the word "dod" in Hebrew, that really is what the sexual relationship is.

And, so, the more we're in tune with each other, and the more we care about each other. The more I'm trying to serve Nancy as opposed to always wanting it to be all about me, it makes a big difference, so I think that doing that and, so, a guy say, "How do you do it?"

And I say, "There are sometimes as little as doing a chore for your wife that she doesn't like to do." Maybe she doesn't like to do the dishes every night and one night you do that for her, or something. Maybe she doesn't like to do a certain part of the housework, and you say, "Hey, I want to do this for you."

And then, again, it's how we talk to each other. It's how we treat each other, how we respect each other. And I promise, guys, if you consistently work on that, your sex life, for most couples, is going to fall into place. Because your wife is going to feel cherished, and cared for and loved. And no, you're not going to be perfect. But it's a lot easier to give grace to somebody that messes up every once in a while, than a guy that messes up 24/7, 365 himself.

The other things I've had women tell me that just crying out for their husband to tell her that she looks beautiful or pretty. And I had one lady, and they were going to some fancy deal and she had bought a new dress and everything. And she comes out, she thought she looked great. I'm sure she did. She was a very attractive lady, her husband never said anything. Didn't say, "You look pretty."

"I like your new dress."

"I love that you care about yourself, you want to look beautiful." All that kind of stuff. So, guys, you just need to tell your wife she's beautiful every day. You need to tell her how much you love her. You need to know those things that, sometimes, and you can answer this, Lindsay, I don't think a woman ever gets tired of her husband saying she looks beautiful.

Lindsay: Yes, I agree.

Dr. Kim: Now, sometimes, Nancy doesn't think she looks beautiful because maybe she just woke up or she just whatever. And I tell her she's beautiful and she looks at me like, "What do you want?" But, as guys, sometimes, we see our wives as beautiful at times that they don't see it, and say those too. But it really is about what you do the rest of the day. Depending on how your sex life is going to be and being conscious of that. So I totally agree with this lady. Physical sex is a big part of it. But in marriage, there's so much more that goes into it and can go into it.

Lindsay: Yes, and that's good advice to the husbands. What would you say for the wife listening, who has this, she is feeling this as a pain point and she doesn't know how to bring it up. What should she do?

Dr. Kim: Yes, it's figuring out why can't you bring it up because it needs to be talked about. You need to be in a setting. Now, maybe, it's counseling, maybe it's a counseling room. But I would start out with say, "Hey, I want our sex life to be great. I want it to be better than it is now. And I know you may think it's really good right now, but it's not as good for me as it could be. Can we talk about that?" And just share from your heart.

I think some guys really just need to take the time to be educated by their wife. And, so, if a guy will listen to that because he values the relationship. And when you're talking about sex, you usually get your guy's attention. And if you really let him know that, if you feel connected with him. If you feel safe with him. If you feel respected and loved by him. To give yourself to him in the bedroom is going to come so much easier, and it's going to be more fulfilling and you're going to be more engaged. 

And, so, I would start with a conversation. And if that doesn't work, say, "Can we go talk to somebody?" And if he doesn’t go with you, then, you go talk to somebody. Because each case has a little bit of uniqueness. And, so, as you share that with a counselor, with a Christian counselor, they can give you some ideas of other things that, maybe, would be unique to your situation that might help.

Lindsay: Yes, that's really good. Because there's usually a lot of other stuff that's piled up to get to this point of frustration. And there was something you just said, Dr. Kim. You said that if she doesn't feel respected and loved, it's going to be hard for her to engage. And one important way that a husband can respect and love the wife, is by just understanding that she is different.   

And, so, pop culture and movies have led us to believe that everyone has a raging sex drive. And, maybe, when you were younger or when you were dating, you did. But in an ongoing long-term marriage relationship, it's really important to respect that difference. That we are different in the way that we want sex, the way we approach it. The way we need it to be emotional, mental, all these things.

And, so, the first thing is we just have to acknowledge it's okay that the men and women are different in those things. And please respect those differences because God designed us that way. It's not like something's wrong with her. She's fine, it's just how we're made.

Dr. Kim: Yes, well, and I love what you said. Because God gives us opportunities to learn and grow, and this is one of those. And, so, that's why He made it different. He could have made us both the same way.

But when you really look at it, I'm thankful He didn't. Because I've learned so much from Nancy, and our sex life has changed from when we're really young. And, certainly, it was just passion in a different way, then, to something that is probably more beautiful in our relationship. It's more connecting, just over the years. And if I hadn't taken time to understand what's important to her I'd, probably, be still acting like I did at 22. But we've learned it and I've seen the value in that. 

And, so, just saying, "Okay, if God created this this way, I want to figure this out. I want to get the most out of it the way God intended." And that's to understand.

And the other side of it, a woman needs to understand a man's needs. I mean, usually, a man's needs and drive is going to be stronger than yours. And, so, there's a place to meet there that works for both of you, and that's what you want to find.

Lindsay: Yes, I'm glad you mentioned that. Because I do hear a lot of women say, myself included, "What's wrong with him?" This does have to go both ways; we're both created differently. So he's never going to think like she does. She's never going to think like he does, and that's okay.

Dr. Kim: No, and I've said this to a couple of women, at times. I said, "What if he wasn't attracted to you sexually?" Then they go, "Well, yes, I say so." There's going to be some extra baggage that comes with that, that we have to deal with. But you want him to be attracted to you. You want him to want you, those are important things, too. So it's just figuring out together how to make that work.

Lindsay: How to make that work, and we will get more into that in this episode. We have more comments on that topic.

Dr. Kim: Yes.

Lindsay: All right, great. So the next big topic we heard was, "I don't think about sex all the time. I need some notice to get in the mood." Do you see this in the counseling room? And what do you have to say to these couples?

Dr. Kim: Oh, yes, I don't think women think about it as much. I was reading a survey that came out last year, and I was looking at it, Ohio State University. And they interviewed couples or people on campus. So these were college students. So you've got hormones that are on both sides. But even at that, the men thought about sex at least twice as much as the ladies did, and just at different times in life.

I asked Nancy that yesterday, and I don't want to tell you what her answer was. But, anyway, she still doesn't think about sex as much as I do. But I think that's part of it. If we go back to the first question we talked about, if you're doing all those things and getting closer. Even though your wife may not think about sex all the time. She's going to be much more receptive when you approach her with that. 

So, for this question, there are a couple of things I thought of. Sometimes, obviously, we know that men think about sex more, in most cases. I mean, I've had a few exceptions to it, and you're not weird if that's you. It's interesting when I've had a couple where the wife thinks about sex more than the husband. It is that way they reverse roles. It's not like they're both thinking about sex all the time, it's just so interesting.

And, so, scheduling sex, sometimes, is a help for a wife in that situation. Especially, when you're trying to get over some hurdles there. Because a wife's greatest sex organ is her mind. And, so, if she knows that we are scheduling sex on, this hypothetically, Tuesday and Saturday, that's on the calendar, then. So that day she's able to, say on, Tuesday, to think about it.

She's got her mind ready. It's not going to be like a surprise. And, so, even if she's had a busy day with the kids and stuff, she still knows that this is on the agenda for tonight. And, so, that helps to be able to think. And that doesn't mean you have to not do it just those two times a week. 

Spontaneous sex can be a part of that but, sometimes, it really helps. And, especially, when you've got certain seasons of life, when you've got young kids. I know Nancy's mind, especially, in the evenings, it was just a lot of times or even at night, she's thinking about the kids and I'm not.

And, so, we got to find a time that works for both of us. And, so I would have that discussion with your husbands and wives, and go with whatever the wife thinks. "When's the best time for you?"

"When is the best time, if we're going to schedule this?" And work on it together. But it goes back to just helping women have the opportunity, to get their mind around that. And, so, scheduling can be good.

Lindsay: Scheduling can be good; it can be really helpful. Schedule for an opportune time not an inopportune time. I also, with that, I think, that, sometimes, things we have on our minds. A lot of women are just so unsexy. We have so many things we're thinking about. Packing lunches, and cleaning cabinets, countertops, and getting everybody's clothes folded and stuff like that. And that's another broad-brush thing. But I do think most women are carrying a lot of mental load that men aren't carrying, just from talking to a lot of people about this. 

And, so, I think that's a good place to be honest a little bit. Because our assumption is that he's thinking about those things as much as we are. He's just not doing anything about it, and I don't think that, typically, he is.

And, I think, that's fine to ask for help and say, "Hey, I'm just feeling really swamped with all these little tiny mundane things. Would you help me out?" And usually it's like, "Oh, well, sure, yes." We can both get over that hurdle together and get where we want to go. Instead of one person just carrying that burden, and assuming that the other person's seeing the burden and not acting on it.

Dr. Kim: I think that is so good. Because, you're right, a lot of times we don't know what to do as guys, and I'm not making that as an excuse. But if you see something, and you need help and you ask him and he does it, that's a win. He may not read your mind. He may not know-

Lindsay: He may not.

Dr. Kim: Because our minds aren't where your minds are, just as you said. At some point I might realize that the counters need to be wiped. But that's not going to be my first concern, about making sure the counters are wiped. And, so, if that's something, anything we can do to help you and get some things off your list. Because then that gives us, even if it's not sex, just to get more time just to connect together.

Lindsay: Yes.

Dr. Kim: To sit down and just enjoy talking to each other, those kind of things.

Lindsay: Yes, and it doesn't sound sexy at all. But it really does go into the conversation because, for women, that can be an easy place to build up resentment. Because we think, "Why isn't he helping?" He's not thinking about it, it's just not on his radar from most things I've heard.

Dr. Kim: Right, that's what I tell ladies. I say, "Ask him." And then if he doesn't do it, then get mad at him. Don't get mad at him because he didn't read your mind, give him a chance. And just making that little transition can make a big difference. And seeing that, "Oh, yes, he is there. He does want to do things for me. He does not get it."

And, so, he'll sit there and watch a football game while you're doing that. But just ask him, and most guys are going to respond.

Lindsay: Yes, that's good. Well, and that's a great principle for this whole conversation. And it's instead of going to this built-up resentment, built-up hurt feelings, let's just have a conversation. Let's assume the best about our spouse and let's get it on the table. Instead of getting passive aggressive or shutting down.

Dr. Kim: Assumptions get us in a lot of trouble. We've talked about it in so many different situations, but it does. And, so, if you got an assumption, check it out.

Lindsay: Yes, we got to do it.

[00:16:45] < Music >

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[00:18:45] < Music >

Lindsay: Okay, so let's talk about this next one. If you ogle me all the time and you don't put in effort elsewhere, I feel used. Butt grabs and sex jokes do not trigger my sexual desire.

Dr. Kim: Yes, I think, one, our wives are more than a sex object. And even though in marriage, they are to be our only focus on sex. Does that make sense? I mean, as a guy, this is the person that God gave me to fulfill our sexual relationship together. To meet my needs, her needs for the rest of our lives together.

And, so, on one hand, that is the person that is the object of our sexual desire and is supposed to be that way. And, so, what we want to do, it goes back to balance with communication, resolve conflict, spiritual connection, having fun together, non-sexual touching. All those kind of things need to be a part of that. And, so, that there is some balance, I guess, again, it's, being a student of your spouse, of your wife.

It's just interesting to me, as a guy, that we never get your playbook. I don't know who hides it because there are times that butt grabs and sex jokes are laughed at. And there's other times that it's like, "Who are you?" And, like you said with Brian, "What is wrong with you?"

And, so, for us, it's just read the room a little bit, guys, I mean, see where she is. And there are times that our wives are going to enjoy and engage in some of those things. And there are other times they're going to think, "You just get away from me. You're just weird and I'm don't want you close to me right now."

And, so, it goes both ways on that. That guys need to put in the effort. You as a wife respond to that in a way that lets them know that you appreciate the effort they're putting in. So reinforce that. It makes such a difference, for guys, because, sometimes, we're just trying things. Because we still want a formula. We still want the one, two, three, and everything's great, and she loves me, and she laughs at my bad jokes, and she wants to have sex with me, but the formula is not there.

And, so, we need your encouragement, though, on the things that we do that really you appreciate. That really makes a difference for you. And then, I think, guys, they're just realizing there are times you can say and do certain things, and there's times you can't. And, so, the more you can learn when it's going to be received and when it's not the better. And you won't bet a thousand, you'll still get that look sometimes.

Lindsay: Yes, and that's okay.

Dr. Kim: I wish I knew what went on in Nancy's mind. I think she thinks, "I'll never understand men. I'll never understand him." Because it's amazing how much we all have in common. So if we're not just talking about your husband, we're talking about a lot of husbands when we talk about this.

Lindsay: Yes, that's good. The affirming piece is good because it's probably easier to give a little more response, when it's a negative response, than it is to give that encouragement. So that's a really good actionable thing for us to do.

Dr. Kim: Yes, absolutely. It's just putting the effort in and when we're putting the effort in, in the other things that are important to our spouse. Then maybe she can receive more of the ogling. I mean, of just looking at her and just admiring her beauty, and stuff like that.

Lindsay: Well, and being able to open the conversation of what else would be working better. Instead of just no. But, "What can we work on here? What would work?"

Dr. Kim: That's so good, Lindsay, because all this is a team thing. I don't know how many couples I've worked with, over the years, that never have talked about their sex life. I mean, and it's a bunch. And it's something I don't know why, I think, as guys, sometimes, we don't because we think, "Well, we're supposed to know everything." Or, maybe, she's going to tell me that she needs something that I don't want to do, or give, or I don't want to clean the house to have to have sex.

Well, try cleaning the house every once in a while and see what happens. Just being able to talk and see it as a team. Okay, "What's going to work for you?" And not in a selfish way. It's like, "How can I serve you? What can I do for you?" And when you're both doing that, things fall into place really well, most of the time.

Lindsay: Yes, well, and that's a really important part of this conversation is the fact that because God did create sex. The enemy wants to distort it and is doing a pretty good job, actually, of keeping married couples away from sex. Keeping unmarried people having sex. Keeping everyone confused about it, and angry about it, and hurt by it. 

And, so, that's where this conversation could be so tense, in marriage. Because it's hurtful to feel rejected by your spouse, or to feel like your spouse hasn't cared enough, or respected or loved you enough to understand you. But, I think, that's why it's so essential is because it's not just about within the couple is it going well. It, also, reflects what God designed us for, which is sacrificial love of our spouse. And, so, that makes it a lot bigger conversation. But I also think that's why it's really important to have.

Dr. Kim: Absolutely, that's so good. Because we talk about it off and on, but our culture does not give us God's plan for sex. We just don't see it or hear it like that, and it's just embracing what God has given us and not buying into the enemy's lies. And for men and women, both, to have good close friends you can talk about things like this. What you like, what's normal, just to talk about this, struggles with this.

Because it is hard in our culture to get all the junk out of the way. And there are so many things that distort marriage, sex and marriage, those things. The whole deal with pornography, all those things that are so different than what God's design was. And when you take God's design, it's beautiful, it's pure. It's something that is a very special gift He's given us in a marriage.

Lindsay: Yes, and it's something we have to really work to reclaim, as believers. And say, "Okay, we're not going to just shut down because we've been hurt by any number of things. But we're going to go ahead and keep working at growing this in our marriage." I think it's worth it, even though it's hard.

Dr. Kim: Absolutely. The old adage said "Everything that's worth something is hard or hard work." Whatever that goes, it's true, but the payoff is great.

Lindsay: Yes.

Dr. Kim: Because you can have something in your marriage, that nobody else can have because of the uniqueness of the two of you. And that extends even into your sexual relationship.

Lindsay: Mh-hmm, yes, that's so good. So our next comment from one of the wives. She wishes her husband knew that it's less important to her, as she ages. What do you think about that one?

Dr. Kim: So maybe I can plug our latest book, Love, Intimacy and Sex in the Second Half. Which is really why Nancy and I wrote that book. Because we have both experienced friends or known people, over the years, that have got to that point. And it seems like it can happen in a lot of ages.

I mean, it's not like you have to wait till you get to retirement age for that to happen. I mean, happens in couples. If you look at the second half of marriage as the time when the last child leaves home. Because that's when you're just the two of you again like it was in the beginning, that could come in at different times.

And, so, it goes back to that God did give us this for a lifetime, and is a gift that we can enjoy a lifetime. And with modern science and medications, it's made things possible for people that weren't a generation ago.

And, so, it goes back to the conversation. Ask your spouse what they would like the sex life to look like, today. Don't be afraid to ask that question. Because as a wife if you're asking that, you can always say, "Well, I'm not comfortable with that or this." And I think that, yes, our sex life is different today than it was when we first got married. But that doesn't mean it can't be great. And what I would say is, again, for women, because you don't always think about it as much as men, anyway, sometimes, that just continues to happen.

And, so, you get through the kids stage and stuff like that. And, then, all of a sudden, you're a grandmother and you can do this, and all these things come. So, yes, I can see where a woman could say it's less important to her, "As I get older". But I would say to them, "But God gave this to us for the life of your marriage that you have together."

And, so, the blessings that you've received in that, maybe, early in your marriage. There's more blessings that you can receive at this point, and through the rest of your marriage. And, so, it's talking to your spouse together. And, maybe, you go back to scheduling sex again, and you decide what that is.

And I've told this story before, my dad had supermarkets like groceries, and work produce, and all this stuff for years, growing up. And there was a guy when I was, probably, 16 or 17 that I would work with on Saturdays. And he was probably around 80 at that time.

But Saturday night was his and mama's night, as he would say. And he grinned that whole day because that was the day that they went out to dinner, and they enjoyed each other, and had sex. And just to see that in him and I never got to meet her, I wish I had. But I'm thinking, "If he's that excited and that joyful to spend that time with his wife, she's got to like that part of it, too."

And, so, they had made something that worked for both of them. And, so, I think, again, having that conversation. It's okay to say to your husband, "It's not as important to me as it used to be, but let's talk about this. Where are you with this? What's important to you? What would great sex, at this point in our life, look like to you?" And then you've got the conversation going, and then you can come to something that's going to work for both of you.

Lindsay: Yes, that's good. Just because it's different, it doesn't have to mean it's dead. It could still be there.

Dr. Kim: No.

Lindsay: All right, so our next one, this wife says, "I want my husband to know that it's normal for women not to orgasm through penetration alone."

Dr. Kim: Okay, so what I would say is what does help a wife to orgasm? And, I think, it goes to that conversation, for guys, what can you do? What should you not do?

Because your wife is the expert on her body, and you're the student, and you're learning. And, so, questions about that. "Why aren't you orgasming? Well, let's talk about this because I want you to as much as you can. And, so, what can I do to help you? What can we try together?"

Maybe it's something you just work on together. Maybe you should try some things, just experimenting to find out something that really works. And, so, it's a work in progress and, sometimes, again, guys can get a little lazy and, "Well, I had an orgasm, so tough on you."

No, it's just not it at all. It's like you want this, and I've said this a lot and I've confirmed it with so many men. That as much as it seems different, our biggest joy in sex is knowing that we can please our wives. And that she enjoys being with us, and that she's drawn to us because of the way we perform sexually with her. And, so, a guy wants to do what's best for his wife in that. And, so, it's again, talk to him about it. He's not going to figure it out if you're not telling him, and don't go through life faking orgasms.

Lindsay: Oh, gosh, no.

Dr. Kim: Just get the conversation on the table because most guys are going to respond, in a really good way of, "Absolutely, I can do that."

"Let's try that, whatever it takes."

Lindsay: Yes, I can imagine that the words "Let's try something in the bedroom." Would perk up some ears for almost any man.

Dr. Kim: Exactly, he's going to be doing cartwheels all the way in there. 

Lindsay: But if you need something to reference, to start the conversation. That's where the book Celebration of Sex that we've talked about a lot of times. It probably comes up in every podcast we do about the topic of sex. Because it just has some really good information, and it's written from a Christian perspective. So it's not sketchy to look at, that's the word I'm looking for. It's not sketchy, it's completely fine.

So you could look at that together and help you both gain some understanding. Because it sounds like maybe he's expecting something that's not happening. And, so, look into it together and you don't have to just muddle through. There's actually a lot of great information out there that could help.

Dr. Kim: That's a great point. Yes, and it has illustrations that can help you. Because, sometimes, couples have found that certain positions make it better for a wife, things, like that. So there's an answer there, and if you need to talk to your doctor, fine. If that's an issue there, especially, if there's pain involved or something like that. But, there's always answers.

Lindsay: Yes, there are a lot of options out there. You guys can work on this together, that'll be fun.

Dr. Kim: Yes, exactly.

Lindsay: So, Dr. Kim, those are the summary of all the thoughts that the wives sent in. Are there any other big ones that you see as you are counseling couples?"

Dr. Kim: Well, and I guess we've hit that, but it's so important to look at what is your relationship like. And not just doing chores for each other; but are you connected? Are you spending enough time together? Are you doing things that we talk about all the time, the date nights, and having set a time every day just to connect. Are you doing those things that really grow your relationship?

And it's just, I guess, the things I've learned, over time. Some of those things, honestly, early in marriage, I, probably, did because I knew they worked. As opposed to just really learning to enjoy those times. I look so forward to every night, Nancy and I sit down together and just talk about our day, and what's going on, and laugh, and share, and things like that. And those things, I think, make the bedroom better, for both of you.

Because you just enjoy each other at a different level. You didn't marry somebody just to have a body to perform on. You married someone to do life with and enjoy. And, I think, the other things that we can do in life that make the relationship better, ultimately, make the sex relationship better, too. 

And another thing that as guys we need to do is to compliment our wives on other things besides their looks. Because we're visual it's easy to focus on looks and that kind of thing. But, I think, just that, "I love the way you care for me."

"I love watching you as a mother."

"I love how since you took over the finances, oh, my gosh, we're in so much better shape than we used to be. And I love how you take care of us, and I love how you made this house not a house but just a home now. And it's a place where I love coming to and our kids love growing up in."

So look at the things that you can compliment your wife on besides her looks. And don't forget the looks part, keep saying that, too. But look for other things that you help her know that you see her as a complete person, and that you love the way she seeks the Lord, and how important it is that you all pray together. Just things like that, that grow you closer to each other, and it just helps our wives know how much we value them.

Lindsay: Mh-hmm, yes, that's really good. Because women do want to know that they're appreciated. Not just physically, I mean, as a person, and we don't want to just hear a compliment when you're trying to get things going in the bedroom.

Dr. Kim: Right, exactly.

Lindsay: That feels like, "What are you trying to get?"

Dr. Kim: Yes, exactly. I've tracked when you tell me I'm beautiful and, also, I've tracked every time we've had sex.

Lindsay: Same with kissing and touching, that should not be the only time it should be happening other times.

Dr. Kim: Absolutely.

Lindsay: Yes, that's it, you can't separate that. It has to be cohesive in the whole relationship.

Dr. Kim: Yes, you said touching and I think non-sexual touching is something that is so important. And as guys we have a tendency, once we get married and we've had sex, to not do those as much. But go back to cuddling, go back to hold the cans. Go back to sitting close to each other on the couch. Go back to opening the door for her, taking her hand. All those things that are bonding things, that are touch that are non-sexual, but are really important in a marriage.

Lindsay: Yes, laugh together, have fun, all the things. 

Dr. Kim: Exactly.

Lindsay: Well, Dr. Kim, this has been a helpful conversation about what wives wish their husband knew. Do you have any final piece of advice for us, today?

Dr. Kim: Well, I think, I love these two topics because we're going to do the flip of it in a different podcast. But I think it's just taking time, I guess, the bottom line is this talk about your sex life. Talk about what you like, what you don't like, what you need. Don't be afraid to ask each other what they would like it to look like. You can say no or you can say, "I can't get there." Or whatever, but get some conversations going.

And, so, you come to a place where you both look forward to having sex. You're not the wife that's just, "Oh, my gosh, is he going to ask me tonight? I'm so tired." It's not that you guys are where it's okay to know that you are tired. And, maybe, it was the night you were going to schedule sex and you just say, "I'm so tired tonight."

And he says, "Fine, what about tomorrow night?" Or what about whatever? And just because you have it scheduled, it doesn't mean you can't change it or postpone that. If you've got 103-degree fever, it's okay to say, "Can we do this another time?" And then just enjoy each other. I think the more you enjoy each other, the more these other things fall into place.

Lindsay: Mh-hmm, yes, that's really good. I would encourage anyone, if you're stuck on this, pray about it. It is something you can for sure pray about, and it's something that it aligns with God's heart for your marriage because it builds the unity. So you're praying in line with what you already know He wants. And, so, that's a great place to start. Just, "God, help us to be on the same page. Help us to talk about this in a way that's helpful. Help us to see each other through your eyes and not as enemies, on this topic." I think we just need to invite the Lord into the conversation.

Dr. Kim: That's so good. Yes, and I can remember the first time I prayed about our sex life, I felt weird. And it's like "Are we supposed to talk about this with God?"

Yes, because He created it, and that was a big breakthrough for me and for us, is to be able to say, "Okay, God, we know there's more than we're getting out of this or we're stuck in this place, could you help us out?"

So that's okay, it's okay to pray after sex or whatever. I mean, it's okay to thank God for the gift He's given us. And taking it out of where the enemy wants us to put sex in whatever the world looks at it, into something. No, this is a precious gift from God and, yes, we're thankful for it, "And thank you for giving us this and helping us in our sex life." That's what really is cool.

Lindsay: Yes, absolutely. So I hope this leaves you some encouragement, some practical steps, and some ways forward in this conversation because it can be really tough. But just know that there are resources, there are some steps you can take. If you would like to get any of the resources we talked about today, those are all in the show notes.

And, so, we have those available anywhere you are listening to the podcast, there are show notes. You can also have them delivered straight to your inbox each week. If you subscribe to our podcast, email, it's at awesomemarriage.com. Well, it's also in today's show notes. So it's very convenient for you. Also next week we get to hear from the husbands about this, so make sure you don't miss that episode. Thanks for spending your time with us today. Have a great day, and do something awesome for your marriage, today.

[00:40:51] < Outro >

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