What Husbands Wish Their Wife Knew About Sex | Ep. 577

[00:00:00] < Intro >

Lindsay: Welcome to The Awesome Marriage Podcast. A place for honest conversations and practical advice, on how to build an awesome marriage. I am your podcast producer and co-host, Lindsay Few. On the show will be our host, Dr. Kim Kimberling. Dr. Kim is a marriage counselor and has been married for over 50 years. His passion is to help you strengthen your most intimate relationship.

Sex is consistently listed as one of the top struggles couples have in their marriages. Why is that? We think one reason is because it really matters. It's not only important to a marriage, but it's also a part of God's design. Healthy sex and marriage reflects God's design, helps the marriage. But if tension creeps in instead, it will do exactly the opposite.

So that's why this month on The Awesome Marriage Podcast, we're going to go deep on the topic. We get to hear from our audience and from some wise biblical voices. Because this topic is really tough for a lot of us. It's hard to talk about. So, today, we're coming to you humbly and prayerfully. And our goal is for you and your marriage to grow more healthy and more free around the topic of sex. So, Dr. Kim, today, we're going to hear from the men.

Dr. Kim: Yes.

Lindsay: This should be fun. So I'm going to share some of the feedback and the comments we've gotten from the husbands in the audience. And ask you what you've seen in the counseling room, what your advice is in these situations.

Dr. Kim: Let's go.

Lindsay: All right. We asked the husbands, "What do you wish your wife knew about sex?" Here is the first comment I've got for you. He wishes she knew, quote, "How to do it." End quote. What is he talking about? What does he mean?

Dr. Kim: I wish that I could talk to him, to make sure.

Lindsay: Don't you?

Dr. Kim: I think; you could go a lot of different ways with that. I think if he's wanting for his wife, if he's asking, "How do I have great sex with that wife? How do we make that happen both ways?" I, would say, for me, I think the guy's got to take the lead in this because. Because we've talked so much about how our wife's greatest sex organ is her mind, and her emotions, and her feelings. And, so, it really is serving her.

It's learning, in the sexual relationship, what she likes, what she doesn't like, and then being willing to stay in her comfort zone. Because then she's not distracted about what does he want, or what's he going to do, or this kind of thing. Because a woman is very vulnerable in the sex relationship. The guy's usually bigger, the guy's usually stronger.

And, so, we've got to make our wives feel as safe as possible. And, then, you want to do those not just for the minutes that you're in bed, in the bedroom, engaging in sex, it's the 24/7, 365 deal. So, I think, to take responsibility yourself, guys, of what do we need to do. And then talking with your spouse, "What do you like, what don't you like?" Stay in that comfort zone, and being consistent just throughout the day in caring for her. 

And, so, if you find that, then, your wife's going to be much more receptive to a great sex relationship developing. And there may have been some things in her past. There may have been some things in your marriage in the past, sexually, that have caused some damage with her.

And, so, I would say, too, if you go through some of these steps that we talked about. And you still have some problem, go see a Christian counselor that deals in this area. That can help you work through that. Because if you're sitting there and just pointing a finger at her, I don't think it's ever going to get better. It's just not. 

Lindsay: Yes, that's a great marriage principle, in general.

Dr. Kim: Yes, absolutely, you've got to look at yourself. Nancy and I were talking the other day about a lot of things that we do for a video, we do each month for our Marriage Changers. And, so, much of it comes back to communication, with almost every single topic. And, I think, on this, you've got to open that conversation to her.

If you don't think she's doing sex right or like the way you want her to, then talk about it. Talk about it with each other and not in accusatory way. But "Help me understand because I want our sex life to be better. So what can I do? Is there something that you would like me to stop doing? Is there something that you think if I did would be helpful?" And get the communication going?

Lindsay: I'm so glad that you said that last part, and gave us some conversation starters. Because you've referred in the past to the fact that most couples do not discuss their sex life, at all. And I think that it's a painful topic because there's a feeling of rejection on both parties, I think. And, so, it's all too easy to come at it with like, "What's wrong with you?"

"Why are you doing this?"

Which sounds very accusatory, puts the spouse immediately on the defensive. And, so, using those open-ended questions, "Help me understand?"

"What's going on?"

"What can I do?"

"Do you feel safe?"

"Do you feel heard and cherished?"

These are a lot better questions to start with than, "Why don't you..."

"Why aren't you...?" Et cetera.

Dr. Kim: Right, it seems like if couples do talk about sex, it's an argument over frequency. And we got to get past that, to the quality of the sex. Yes, frequency is important, I get that. But if you work on the quality, I think the frequency, again, will take care of itself. Because it's something you both enjoy and desire.

Lindsay: Absolutely, the quality and also if you work on resolving that tension of the blame, the accusation. I mean, that's just not going to make for good sex, if you have that between you.

Dr. Kim: No, absolutely. A woman's not going to give herself when there's that barrier there. And, so, we've got to, as guys, a lot of responsibility falls on us.

"What do we need to do to remove that barrier?"

"How can I help you in this way?"

Not, "We're only having sex twice a week and Bob, at work, he has sex every day. What's wrong with you?" No, you don't go there, but I know guys that have and do.

Lindsay: Right. Bob, might not even be telling the truth. It might not be true.

Dr. Kim: Most likely. If he's like the guys that I used to listen to, in the locker room, in high school, the upperclassmen. No, they weren't telling the truth either, and I hung on every word they said.

Lindsay: Oh, my gosh, yes. Well, and that's why this episode is so important. Because a lot of us, we don't know where to turn for information. And, inevitably, if you don't figure it out, you're going to turn somewhere you shouldn't turn. If you don't resolve this issue in a godly, biblically-directed way, it's going to go somewhere bad.

It's going to be either like a bitterness, resentment. It's going to pile up between the spouses and push you apart. It's going to be arguments. It's going to be each spouse for themselves, pleasing themselves in some way, or shutting down, whatever it is. And, so, this conversation, I'm glad that right off the bat, you're talking about that communication piece. Because we have to learn how to have the conversations.

Dr. Kim: Mh-hmm, absolutely. It's so important and it's not hard to do. I mean, it is and it isn't. But once you get into it, you'll see the value. And I know sometimes that can be awkward, at first. But it's just taking that step and just asking, "What do you see that I can do to make our sex life better?"

Just ask each other that question, and that's a huge start. Because, then, you'll have some things to go for, and if your spouse says, "I don't know." One of the things I use in counseling that's good is, "Well, if you did know, what would you say?" And it's amazing how many times you get a response, when you dig it just a little bit deeper. And, so, use that technique, it works good. 

Lindsay: That's good.

Dr. Kim: It helps people, kind of, if you don't want to talk about it, then you kind of go, "Oh." It makes you think a little bit more, and a lot of times you'll get a good response.

Lindsay: Yes, that's really good. If you didn't hear the episode we did about wives' perspective, which we did. We talked a lot in that about how the women want to feel connected, and these questions that you're proposing, Dr. Kim, are very connecting. And, so, I don't know how it would feel as a guy. I would imagine there's a little bit of vulnerability to have these open-ended questions. It's a little more feelings, but that's exactly what your wife is, probably, waiting for.

Dr. Kim: It is. It's being willing to stretch yourself as a guy to connect with her, at some point, on that level that she is. I don't know that we'll ever get as feeling oriented as our wives, in most cases. But the fact that we're trying and we're asking those questions, I think, makes a huge difference for our wives. They don't expect you to be her.

Lindsay: No.

Dr. Kim: They just want you to understand and listen to her.

Lindsay: Ye, and that intention to understand, and that just demonstrating that you do respect her opinion, and that you do value her opinion and her perspective, that's huge. That's really important.

Dr. Kim: Absolutely, and you're going to learn something that's going to be helpful.

Lindsay: Yes, and both spouses can do this. Both spouses can do this.

Dr. Kim: Yes, absolutely.

[00:09:30] < Music >

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[00:10:23] < Music >

Lindsay: The next thought we have is from the husbands, "Having sex makes me feel closer to my wife." Do you see this in counseling the couples?

Dr. Kim: Oh, yes, I think, God designed it that way for a number of reasons. One, I think, we like to please our wives. We like to know that that draws them closer to us. But, also, some guys, it's an affirmation that things are okay with us. But you got to, then, just make sure they are. I have one, it's not a favorite story, but it just shows the picture of it. Of a couple I work with, and they ended up doing much better. 

But this was early on, and they had a huge fight. And she goes in the bedroom and she locks the door, and about ten minutes later, he comes busting through the door and he wants to have sex. And she, obviously, thought, kind of like you're thinking, Lindsay, and that is "What's wrong with you?"

But in counseling, what he said was and helped me see this is, "Well, if she has sex with me, it makes me think everything's okay and she's forgiven me." So we had a lot of work to do on those things. But it does make us feel closer for a number of reasons. Which I think it is what God wired us.

I mean, there's just something special that God can do in sex relationship, in marriage. With a guy and the woman, both of you, and it should make you both feel closer to each other. I think God designed it to, and I think, as guys, as we learn more about our wives. The physical is such a part of it early on, I get that. Because that's where just the drive. If we get married young, your hormones are going crazy all the time.

But as time goes on and you mature, you see that, "Oh, my gosh, there is more to it than the physical. The physical is great and I love it. But I also like the closeness I feel and I like the way she looks at me, and I like the way we cuddle together." And just all those kind of things that sex makes you feel closer to your spouse. Because that's something that the two of you have uniquely. Nobody else has what you have in that. And, so, it is designed to make you feel closer to that person, that God gave you to spend your life with.

Lindsay: Mh-hmm, yes, and that's such a cool part of why we're having this conversation. Why it's worth talking about is because God did design that. It does bond you. I mean, it protects the marriage, it fortifies the marriage, it builds up the marriage. And we already know, most couples don't talk about it. They argue about it, and then they don't really have as much sex.

And, so, this is why we're digging in because it's a really powerful thing. And it's been weaponized a lot by the enemy, to tear people apart. To pull people away from marriage, from God, to isolate. There's a lot of shame and hurt. And, so, I think none of that was part of God's plan. I mean, sex was not evil, it's a gift. And, so, we have to figure out ways to get these conversations going, in a way that can draw the couple together. That can get rid of all that shame and bring you back into closeness.

Dr. Kim: Absolutely.

Lindsay: Yes, so that's good. I just think we have to acknowledge that part of the pain and part of the difficulty is, because it's the other side of the power of it. So our next thought we have from the husbands. This guy says, "It turns me on when I please my wife."

Dr. Kim: I think God designed it that way, too. Yes, I think it is. We just talked a little bit about how there is a lot of pleasure that comes to a guy when he pleases his wife, and she's drawn to him, and those things. And, so, yes, that's part of it, and I've had some couples I've worked with that struggle for sex.

I don't judge why the wife is not able to connect in that. But pretty much she's not very active in the sexual act with her husband. And the difference I see in a guy in that situation, and he may be part of the problem. But the point is if a wife is not responding, as opposed to a husband where the wife is responding. Because maybe they've talked about their sex life and that they've worked on it together. But, yes, that's going to be a connector. That's going to turn you on, that you please her. That's what you wanted to do.

And, so, it goes back to communication and both of you, "Okay, if we're not there." If your wife is not responding to you, figure out why. It may be you, it maybe not you, it maybe something in her past. But help her walk through that and get the help that you need. Maybe it's a Christian counselor. Maybe she was abused when she was younger. Maybe she had a relationship with a guy before marriage that just really hurt her, in a way, sexually, and hurt the way she looks at sex.

So help her figure that out. Do whatever it takes to help her figure that out, and then begin to build on that together. Don't expect her to go from someone who is very cold during sex, to somebody that's just tearing your clothes off, all the time. No, it's going to be a process, and some of the other things we've talked about. But, yes, that makes so much sense, that it is. I mean, it's just, as a guy, maybe it's the Tarzan, and you want to beat your chest and go, "Whoa, yes." I haven't done that.

Lindsay: I'll leave that to you and Nancy. But it is funny because, I hope that this guy said this to his wife, that's a great thing to just talk about. But, I think, there are still a lot puritanical ideas that "Well, you shouldn't enjoy it."

Or "If it's not good, it's just not good." And I don't think that that's valid. If it's not good, you should figure out how to make it better. And in Christian circles, there's been some misinformation, over the years. You've, obviously, seen a lot more of this than I have. But just the idea that no, it's really just for the marriage, or just for procreation, or whatever it is. Don't enjoy it or men enjoy it, women don't. There are a lot of lies like that that have gone around that aren't true, and we need to start figuring out how to move past that.

Dr. Kim: Yes, and I think you're right, a lot of them were in the church. I mean, I remember reading some stuff on The Puritans, it was really you have sex to have children. And, so, whether they said it or not, it's like, "Okay, it doesn't matter if you enjoy it or not, or you don't have to enjoy it, you just need to have some kids."

And, so, when you look at Song of Solomon, that is not what Song of Solomon says. Song of Solomon shows this couple totally and completely enjoying each other, and that, I think, is what the picture God wants us to see on that, for sure.

Lindsay: Yes, I mean, sometimes, the way we can talk about sex or even lust. If you'll think about just sexual desire is often termed to be a men's issue. And, so, as a woman, if you have experienced having sexual desire.

It's like, "Well, that's not for women, that's for men." And that can already mess you up and twist things up. And it's like this whole cascade of effects where it's going to bring shame, it's going to divide the couple. And, so, there's a lot where we got to do some work, to go under the surface on this. And our next couple of episodes do that really well, as well. But it's something for a couple to talk about.

Dr. Kim: I think so, too, and I'm so glad you brought that up. Because the things I mentioned really had to do more with something being done to them. But I think our culture, or the culture you grew up in, or what your parents told you, or what your church told you, has a huge impact on that. And, I think, women and some women I know that have done certain things, or told them certain things to remain pure till marriage. And, then, it's like it takes some while to unravel that and to undo that.

I mean, if you told yourself, "Okay, sex is bad and it's evil and this." Even though you're saying that because you want to stay pure till marriage, but you still drag that into marriage. You've got to turn that, "This is a bad thing" into "Oh, my gosh, this is a beautiful gift God gave us."

And, so, it takes time to unravel that and to work on that. And, again, it's something you can do together. And, for guys, to be patient with your wife, if you're in that situation. Be patient, encourage her, walk with her through it, and she'll get there. It's just going to take time and it will be worth it, for both of you and for your sex life, together, when you do that.

Lindsay: Yes, and just continuing to ask those questions. Like, "How can I make this feel more safe for you?"

"How can I make you feel more accepted, and make this an environment where you feel comfortable?"

Dr. Kim: Yes, and you may need to ask if there's really some things there, that they heard in church. That may go a little deeper. Then, maybe, some conversations with somebody, that can help work through those things. Just the theological stuff and just show, "No, this is really not that. I know you heard that in your church. But this is what the Bible says about sex and this is God's truth about sex." And just being helping her be able to renew her mind in that area.

Lindsay: Yes, and that's what I found helpful to have friends. For me to have women friends or for Brian have men friends, just people we can discuss this stuff with. Because it does take a little while to unpack things that we just assume to be normal.

If we grew up hearing things or if we experience things. And, so, it's hard to figure out, sometimes, where those things have gotten a grip in your mind.

Dr. Kim: Yes, absolutely.

Lindsay: Mh-hmm, so, yes, you can send them this podcast, and y'all can start a conversation.

Dr. Kim: Yes, well that helps.

Lindsay: That's good. So when we're talking about the men's feedback, so I will say we got a lot more woman feedback than man feedback. Why do you think that is? I have a theory, but I want to hear yours, too.

Dr. Kim: Okay, one, I think, as guys, we get complacent, maybe lazy. If we're having sex with our spouse one or two times a week. A lot of guys are going, "That's okay, our sex life is a nine or ten." And their wife may rate it a little bit or much lower because there's more to the sexual relationship than the sex act alone.

And, so, it can be that guys, pride keeps us from asking questions about it. I think it's like, "Well, we're having sex a couple of times a week. That's what I thought we'd be at this stage of life, so it's great." So, as guys, we don't talk about it as easy like that. Or maybe we look at it, how we rate it can be different than our wives. And that's where the things we're talking about of understanding our wives more and that kind of thing.

Where you may be rating it a nine or a 10, now because we're having sex a couple of times a week. All of a sudden it's like, "We're having sex once a week. But we are more connected, and she's enjoying it, and I'm serving her, and what I had before wasn't a nine or a 10, but this is." And, so, it's just taken time to deal with that, that's my theory. Now is yours.

Lindsay: Yes, well, mine's pretty similar. I think there are just some more hidden pain points for the wives. There's stuff that they can't figure out how to talk about. And, so, when they get the forum that we ask, it's coming out. And, I think, for men, just based on all the things we hear and from conversations. I think, the pain point is "I want to have it more often." Because even some of the comments we got weren't pain points. They were like, "I just want to tell her this." Kind of thing. 

Dr. Kim: Yes.

Lindsay: But for the women and, again, go back and listen, if you haven't heard that one. But for the women, there was a lot of stuff that's really preventing a lot of them from having a great sex life.

Dr. Kim: Yes, absolutely. I always feel like, and I kind of wish Genesis told us a little more about what their relationship was, Adam and Eve, before The Fall. Because my picture is, well, the naked and unashamed, anyway.

So I would think their sex life was probably pretty active and, probably, pretty good just from that. But, then, when The Fall came, it changed that, too.

So the distortions that we see in other parts of the world and our lives, it certainly had to affect the sex life, too. And I would guess that before The Fall, what they were having in the sex life was 100% of what God designed it to be.

Lindsay: Mh-hmm.

Dr. Kim: And our goal is to get through all this crud, that has happened in our world, since The Fall. To get back to Eden, before The Fall, in our sex life with our spouse.

Lindsay: Yes, I think that's really good.

Dr. Kim: You just can't walk around naked all the place, everywhere you go, now. That part we can't do.

Lindsay: Not everywhere, no, you cannot, please.

Dr. Kim: Home, that's one thing. But, no, don't go to the garden, whatever.

Lindsay: Nope. But, yes, I do think that's why this conversation is so important. Because we've alluded to this throughout this whole episode. But everyone has some baggage because of sin. Whether it's something done to you or something you were taught, something you've done, et cetera. It could be anything. We're all coming in with something in the past, that has warped or twisted our perspective.

So, I mean, I just think it's important for couples to know that you're, probably, dealing with something because, probably, all of us are dealing with something. So don't feel like you're alone. I think that's one of the great ways the enemy loves to twist this. Just to say, "You're the only one, you can't talk to anybody about this." That's just not true.

Dr. Kim: No. My first psychology class, when I was a freshman, undergraduate, and I was in a men's school. So it was all guys in the class. The professor, we spent, probably, a month on Hugh Hefner's philosophy of sex. And talk about, at my age, at that point, talk about putting a bunch of stuff in my mind that I had to work through, it's crazy.

And, so, with guys, I think, women have things to work through and, as guys, we do, too. And porn is a big part of that, and we have a podcast on porn. But all those things are things we've got to work through, to push through, to get to God's design for sex. Because all that stuff gets in our way of that. And, the thing is, all that junk, a lot of it is not painful at the beginning. It's painful afterwards, and we don't realize it as we're doing some of those things, how harmful they can be.

Lindsay: Wow, that's so true. That's a really good point.

Dr. Kim: Yes.

Lindsay: Yes, and the reason it's worth talking about, though, is because God can redeem it. So whatever stuff you're bringing in, God can work in that, and I know you've seen that in the counseling room.

Dr. Kim: Absolutely. I've seen couples with infidelity. I've seen couples with porn addictions. I've seen couples that had done damaging things in their sexual relationship, in the past. Totally have God redeem that and give them something more beautiful than they could even imagine. Because He just loves us that much. I mean, He is just waiting for you to invite Him in. To say, "God, our sex life is a train wreck, and we want it to be what you want it to be. What's our first step? Help us." And He will. He will.

Lindsay: Yes, absolutely, yes, pray about it. It's not off limits, you totally can.

Dr. Kim: No, not at all.

Lindsay: So are there any other big issues or topics that you see, often, in counseling couples?

Dr. Kim: Well, looking for things a wife can do for her husband. As much as you enjoy him telling you you're beautiful, we need your affirmations. And that may come as, "Hey, you look really hot today."

"You look great."

"I love you in a suit."

"I love how you work hard for our family." Give him affirmations because we need it. And it means more to me when Nancy affirms something than anybody else. I mean, somebody, after a podcast, can they listen to it and send something to say, "Oh, that was great. You did a great job, blah, blah, blah. You and Lindsay did that, awesome."

Great, I appreciate that a lot, and I love that. But when Nancy said, "Hey, I listened to that podcast, today, and that was so good." It's like, "Oh, wow." Then my feet are off the floor, and I'm just coasting around. So it means so much to us when you affirm us. And, so, look for opportunities to do that. And even if you're struggling, sometimes, just those affirmative words can begin to turn things around, just a little bit. 

I think understanding his needs; we hit on that just a little bit, that a guy's sexual needs, we're wired differently. And, so, instead of just saying, "Oh my gosh, I can't believe I married you." Well, guess what? You could have married another one, you'd have the same problem.

So it's like listening to his needs, too. Why does he want to be with you?

Why is it important, to him, that you have sex more often than you're having now?

Talk about it together, and then talk about your sex life together. That is so important, when couples are beginning to do that. And one of the things I do, and I said it before, in premarital counseling. I ask a couple each to write down what they look forward to most in the sex relationship and marriage, and then share that with each other. Because I want to begin to talk about it, get it on the table.

So maybe your first step is to say, "Hey, I was listening to this podcast today and they talked about how important it is to communicate on your sex life. Let's find a time just to talk about it, and maybe we just see what we like and not like and what would make it better. And let's listen to each other and then let's make a decision out of that." That'd be a huge step for most couples and could go around a lot, not have to deal with a lot of the problems that could come up, if you don't have that conversation.

Lindsay: Right, yes, use the conversation to avoid problems, not just to solve them.

Dr. Kim: Yes.

Lindsay: Well, and I think, too, knowing that that conversation, it doesn't have to be the only conversation. You can revisit, check in, "How is that working? Is this good? Let's bring it back up."

Dr. Kim: Absolutely. I would say if you start working on it, I would do it, make some decisions and then talk about it again in a couple of weeks. Hey, "Let's talk; how do we do?"

"Man, we're doing really good, I think, we're on the right path."

Or you may say, "Well, okay, I thought this is something I wanted in our sex life, but I don't think it really is." 

"Great, that's good information. So I don't keep doing that, something that you don't like." And, so, yes, it definitely would be an ongoing thing.

Lindsay: Mh-hmm, yes, that's really good. Take the pressure off, just get it on the table and bring it back around. That's good. So as we're finishing up this conversation. I did have a thought. As we're talking about this, and looking at the differences of things wives say and things women say and men say. I'm just curious, do you think men have any idea how much less often women are, typically, thinking about sex than they are?

Dr. Kim: I think after you've been married, a while, you realize it, for sure. But when you're dating or when you first married because pretty much we were on. I don't know about the thought, but our frequency was pretty much on the same page, early on. So, no, and every study I've read from some that, I think, are extreme. Like a guy thinks about sex 900 times a day. I just don't think that.

Lindsay: That's a lot.

Dr. Kim: Maybe there's somebody. But it's usually everything, yes, guys think about it probably every day, just depending. And not that that means they carry the point of just wanting to take their wife and have sex, all the time. But the way she looks, and that just is a sexual thing to you because you appreciate her beauty and all those things. But, usually, men do think about it more. I think it's the way we're wired. I think being visual has a huge part of that. I think about, we can be in that area, kind of, impulsive. So maybe that's one reason we think about it more.

But I think that we just do and that doesn't make it a right or wrong. I think for a woman it's to know, I'm never going to think about it 50 times a day. But because we're working on our sex life, I want to think about it every couple of days or on the days that, if we're scheduling, the days that we're scheduling sex because you're thinking about it.

And, I think, for a woman, when a guy thinks about it, even though we know, over time, you get so much more sexual than the physical. The drive, initially, is still the physical because of the attraction. And our wife is beautiful, and you want to be with her, and you love that closeness that comes with that.

And, so, for a woman, then, to know that you're not going to, probably, get turned on by the same things that your husband does. And, so, that's where it's focusing, maybe, for you on why you love him and the things you love about him. And, yes, I can't believe he did that yesterday, but he's such a good husband, overall, and he's not perfect. And, so, you can talk about the physical part of it, too. But, I think, for a woman, it's just how you frame him. It makes it easier to give yourself to him in a very freeing way.

And, so, anything that helps you get to that point, in my definition, would be you're thinking about sex. Because you're doing things to help you frame your husband in the way that you want to be with him, when the time comes or when he initiates.

Lindsay: Mh-hmm, that's good, it gives us some more things in common.

Dr. Kim: Does that make sense?

Lindsay: Yes.

Dr. Kim: Yes, exactly.

Lindsay: Did you have anything else on that before we move on?

Dr. Kim: No, I think, it's just a factor that we have to learn to deal with. And don't think your husband is weird because he thinks about it more, and don't think your wife is weird because she doesn't think about it as much. It goes back to just how we're wired...

And, so, I think, that so much of what God has in the sex relationship gives us opportunity to work on things. To understand ourselves better, to understand our spouse better. And as we do that, in a sex relationship, it's going to bleed over into other areas of our marriage, too, because as you work on things.

And, so, even though, sometimes, you get frustrated or you think, "God, I want it to work, I wish it would just happen." There's so much wisdom in the way God created us different. And as we embrace those differences and see how do we work through that. How do we make the most of those? That we, usually, see God had an amazing plan that we could have never figured out ourselves. As guys, we're going to [Inaudible 00:34:01] sex drive, just like our sex drive, and we'd ride off in the sunset together.

Lindsay: Yes.

Dr. Kim: But, no, God has so much more for us than that, and that's pretty cool when you think about it.

Lindsay: It is, and that's why it's such an important topic. Because it does point back to really, the really clear instruction that God gives us in marriage is that it's a mutual sacrificial love. The way that Christ loves the church was through sacrifice. And, so, it makes sense that in this topic of sex. There are some differences that we have to lay down and sacrifice our own preference, and our own way of doing things. Because that is the model of love that Jesus gave us. 

And, so, it doesn't really sound as sexy on the front end to talk about. But there's so much gravity and importance to the topic, that we can't just take it as just an act separately. I mean, it's designed in this beautiful picture of love. And, really, all these differences we're talking about are just ways that you can demonstrate, "I care enough for you to lay down my preference. I care enough for you to care about your preference." All that kind of stuff.

Dr. Kim: Absolutely. It's working together to find what works for the two of you. So don't get in the comparison game. Even though you talk about you are unique. Certainly don't get into, "Okay, we watched this in a movie. Well, that's where our sex life should be." No, don't do any of those things and just assign what is it that works best for the two of you. Because it's going to be unique and special for the two of you, and that's really cool when you get down to it. Really cool.

Lindsay: Yes.

Dr. Kim: Nobody can ever have that. To me, it's just amazing what God has given us.

Lindsay: Yes, so I hope that this conversation has been encouraging, and just get some things on the table about what husbands wish their wives knew. But, Dr. Kim, do you have any final piece of advice for us?

Dr. Kim: Well, I love these two series that we've done of What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew and Husbands Wish Their Wives Knew. I think the bottom line on both of them, and we've hit it over and over, is if you haven't had those conversations, start having them and let it be a work in progress. Because as you go through different stages of life, and different seasons, there are some things that can change.

I've got some couples I've worked with that had some health issues. And, so, we had to learn how to work around those, and just know that it's something that you're, probably, not going to get it right at 25, and it's going to be the same all the way through. When kids come, there are things that change.

As you go through different stages, or health problems, or anything like that, there's a lot of things, factors, that can change in that. Most of those or a lot of those, like having kids and little kids, and wives being tired, and husbands being tired, it's a season. And, so, how do you make it best during that season. And, then, how, as you come out of that season, what do you do?

So once you begin those conversations, continue to have those with each season. With each challenge that comes up, and you continue to grow together in this. And I could see couples, now, that are enjoying their sex life throughout their entire life. It changes, sure. Is it different at 95 than it was at 20? Sure. But there's still something great to be given, to come out of that. So just have the conversation, start it going.

Lindsay: Yes, do it. We gave you lots of good conversation starters. Maybe, I'll put those in the show notes, too. Because I do want to make sure to mention before we wrap up this episode, we do write show notes. I write them for every single episode. We do so that you have all the resources we mentioned. You have the transcript available.

Also, if you subscribe, you get those show notes delivered straight to your inbox, including special notes, special resources, and questions, application questions. Which is where I would write down conversation starters that Dr. Kim gave us. Those are available wherever you listen to podcast, and also the link to subscribe to the podcast email is available wherever you listen to podcasts. So look through to those show notes, click on the link, subscribe, so you get all of that important stuff delivered to you.

Dr. Kim: I love that you're doing that, Lindsay. Because it adds so much, it allows us to take, because a lot of times we listen to something we think it's great. But we don't really follow up. It's a great way to follow up in the things we've talked about today, that'll be in the show notes. They'll be in the questions, that you can say, "Oh, let's go and have that conversation."

Lindsay: Yes, it's available. So don't miss those. And for next week's episode, I am excited that we're going to get to hear from Dr. Juli Slattery. She is just a really wise and kind voice. Here's a sneak peek of, the conversation.

Julie: Even when you have one partner who has a higher desire or drive than the other. Instead of just getting in this conflict of "You never or you always..." What about talking about, "What does it feel like for you when you initiate sex and I'm not in the mood." Can you be that vulnerable to talk about the feelings of rejection, the fear. Or for a wife to explain to her husband how she might feel objectified.

Lindsay: So make sure you're back with us next week, for that episode. Have a great day and do something awesome for your marriage, today.

[00:39:22] < Outro >

Announcer:Thanks for listening to The Awesome Marriage Podcast. This podcast is brought to you by The Ministry of Awesome Marriage and produced by Lindsay Few, with music by Noah Copeland. If you haven't signed up for Dr. Kim's Weekly Marriage Multiplier Email, we encourage you to do so, today. Marriage is hard and life is busy, which is why we need real, practical, reminders of ways to build an awesome marriage. Sign up today to get this quick and compelling email from Dr. Kim each week. If you enjoyed this content, share the podcast with a friend.