The Mental Battle For Your Marriage | Ep. 572

[00:00:00] < Intro >

Lindsay: Welcome to The Awesome Marriage Podcast. A place for honest conversations and practical advice, on how to build an awesome marriage. I am your podcast producer and co-host Lindsay Few. On the show will be our host, Dr. Kim Kimberling. Dr. Kim is a marriage counselor and has been married for over 50 years. His passion is to help you strengthen your most intimate relationship.

In order to have a healthy and awesome marriage, you have to protect it and nurture it. And one really important way to do that is by protecting your thoughts. What we think is going to overflow, naturally, into everything we do.

So it is essential to have a healthy mindset about our marriage. Today we're going to talk about ways to battle unhealthy thought patterns. So, Dr. Kim, first of all, when it comes to marriage, why are our mindset and our thought life so important?

Dr. Kim: I think they are just because everything begins there. Our thoughts happen before our words happen, before our actions happen, before reactions happen. How do we look at our spouse?

How do we frame our spouse? And that's going to have a lot to do with what you are thinking about with your spouse? And it relates, then, about how you treat your spouse. What you say to your spouse. If you have framed your spouse, in your thoughts, as an enemy. Or "They're just not being fair to me" or things like that.

Well, your reactions, the way you interact with them will be the same. If you frame your spouse in a very healthy way, most of the time, your words, and actions, and things that happen are going to be positive. And, so, it makes a big difference. And sometimes I don't think we realize how important our thought life is, and how much it affects what goes on in our lives.

Lindsay: Yes, I think so. I mean, they're invisible, thoughts are invisible. They do end up creating actions. But it's really easy to let them slide one direction without knowing.

Dr. Kim: Yes, because sometimes we justify them. Even if we know we're thinking negatively about our spouse or someone. But "They did this or they did that, or they didn't do this, or they didn't do that." So in some way, in our mind, we justify it. I think there are other options when something happens that's not helped or that you don't like in a relationship. You don't have to think negative thoughts about that person.

You can say, "Okay, how do I communicate better? How do I let them know what I need and want?" Those kind of things and try to work in a positive way, instead of getting stuck in negative. And I think it's harder in our culture now because we live in a pretty negative culture, in so many ways.

People aren't very kind and we talk about that a lot. People are critical of things. And, so, I think it can flow over very easily into how we look at our spouse.

Lindsay: Gosh, that's so true. And I love that you already, right off the bat, went really deep with the justification. As soon as you said that, I was like, "Oh, my gosh, yes, we can, I've done that." And I know, probably, most people have to some degree. And what you're saying about our culture, we've talked about before how there are some blaming undertones, and I think that can be really sneaky. So I'm glad we're talking about this.

Dr. Kim: It is. It's easy to not take personal responsibility. It may be easier than it's ever been. And, so, then that goes back. So if you're not taking personal responsibility in other areas of your life. You get to where you're not taking personal responsibility for your part in a marriage relationship, and that gets very damaging.

Dr. Kim: Yes, that's true. And, so, I mean, we have the cultural aspect in play. But we also have to acknowledge that, I mean, as far back as Adam and Eve. They didn't want to take personal responsibility, neither one of them. So it's right from the go.

Dr. Kim: Exactly, yes, it's the first thing we hear was Adam blaming Eve. "It's this woman -  that you gave me -  fault. Not that I took a bite out of that thing, but it's her fault. And it's really your fault, God, because you created her."

Lindsay: You created her.

Dr. Kim: I was doing fine with just you and me, and you put this woman in here. So, yes, it goes a long way back.

Lindsay: Yes, oh, man, that's tough. Good thing we're going there, we got to go there.

Dr. Kim: Yes.

Lindsay: So when you're counseling couples or even in your own marriage. How do you see mindset or thoughts damage relationships?

Dr. Kim: Well, I think it's good for all of us to, consistently, ask ourselves, what are our thoughts about marriage and our spouse? And, I think, asking God to keep those thoughts healthy, and those that would reflect how He would want us to frame our spouse. And if there's issues to work through that. And, so, then, you'd think, "Are they positive?"

"Are they negative?"

Then what do you do with those? And why are they negative if they're negative? Because those thoughts are really things. Because research has shown us that when we think of something,

we build it into the structure of our brain. So we talk about fleeting thoughts. Well, a lot of times they're not. They get stuck there.

And, so, when we allow a thought that's negative to go inside our brain. We give it more attention, we spend more time on it. It's going to affect the cells in our body and our brain.

And, so, it impacts our future thoughts and words and actions, and we've all been around people that we think they're just so negative all the time. And it's because they've just allowed themselves to continue that and it just becomes part of their brain structure, and you can get out of that, absolutely. 

You can put new pathways in your brain, but it takes a lot of work to do that. And, sometimes, people just ease into that and it's really not fun to be around somebody that's critical all the time. That's negative all the time. Whether you're married to that person or even someone that you maybe have to see in work, or church, or there can be negative people in church. We're all human.

Lindsay: It's possible. 

Dr. Kim: And, so, then, what happens, over time, our marriage really becomes what we think. And if we're not pouring positive things, giving our spouse grace, which is so important. Then we begin to pile up all these negative thoughts and that's not going to go well in the marriage.

Lindsay: And that's so true. Yes, that's so true. It makes me think of, gosh, when you said there could be negative people in church. I've seen a couple, I've been one before, I mean, I've seen it, and it's funny how sometimes even when we do have a relationship with Jesus. We don't really think about being gracious and extending grace, like you just said, to our spouse or to others, and it can really take root.

Dr. Kim: Oh, yes, it really can. And if we're going back to what you said about church, and this is totally off, but a negative attitude toward our church, we need to figure out why. And if we can't worship there, we need to find a place we can. Because sitting in church and being critical or negative the whole time, is not going to help because you're not going to grow. Which eventually is going to affect your marriage.

Lindsay: Mh-hmm, yes, it's going to spill over for sure. So what are some of the sneaky or unexpected ways that our thought life might damage our marriage?

Dr. Kim: Well, obviously, every couple does have problems. We all have issues that we have to deal with. And, so, are we dealing with them or not? So if we see each other positively. If we see them as a teammate, then, it's much easier to solve problems together. But if we see them negatively or as our enemy, or we're on guard, we don't trust that person.

Our thoughts are going to follow that track. And, so, we begin to think that way, and then our actions again are going to come out of that. And, so, it's not going to lend itself to a good marriage. I mean, the healthy thing is, yes, we’ve got problems. Yes, we’ve got things to deal with, let's deal with them. Let's not start not dealing with them, and let's frame our spouse as this villain, or enemy, or whatever because they're the source of our problems.

And, so, then, when you think about "How is that going to affect our marriage?" It's not going to affect it in a good way at all. And, then, how's your spouse going to feel, if they feel like you're always critical of them or you're always saying negative things to them.

That's going to affect them, no matter how strong we are, that's going to wear on us over time. And the other spouse will have a tendency to either fight back hard or to withdraw, and neither one is going to help give you the marriage that you want to have.

Lindsay: Yes, that's so true. And when we think about the sneaky ways, like the one you mentioned up front, justifying our negative thoughts and thinking like, "Well, I'm thinking of them as a problem because they are." No, they're not. I mean, in a marriage, you're a team. And if the way that you have tried to address the problem didn't work, that doesn't mean that there's not a better way. There is, you just haven't found it yet.

Dr. Kim: Absolutely, yes, that's really good. I think, almost, "Well, this is the way it is. And, so, it's not going to change or I'm not going to change till they change. I'm critical because they're just not what I thought they'd be in marriage, and so I stay critical."

And, so, all of that stuff just leads down really unhealthy patterns. And most of those things, probably, will end in divorce, if they're not taken. But it also robs you of what you could have in marriage today.

Because marriage, each day you want to think the best you can about your spouse. You want to have this person that you chose to be your spouse, to be your best friend, for the rest of your life. And, so, you begin to throw those negative thoughts in and it's just sabotaging that all the time. 

Lindsay: Yes, that's so true. What you just said, you mentioned something about "I'll do my part when they've done their part" waiting for them. I've heard so many people articulate that without even thinking about it, just kind of casually. And I know I've been in that before where I thought, "Well, I would do this if he would do this."

Dr. Kim: Yes.

Lindsay: And that's back to not taking personal responsibility. But I feel like that's such a trap, because we think that it has to be both people doing what each person perceives as necessary. But that's just not taking responsibility for your behavior. It's not taking responsibility for what God has called us to do and being obedient to Him, and that's not going to get you anywhere.

Dr. Kim: No, it's not, if you're sitting around waiting. I think I was pretty bad about that early in marriage because Nancy would always be the first to say she was sorry, things like that. And she figured out that I wasn't doing my part. And, so, she backed off of it for a while, and it caused us to have some talk about it. And now, really, we set this deal of who's going to be the first to say you're sorry, and that has been really cool.

I mean, at first it was a little bit of a game, years ago when we did it, and we could laugh about it and have fun. But it turned into a habit that's been really healthy for us, and helped us not to let things just lie there for a period of time. Which there's a season we had a tendency of that. Nobody was going to say they're sorry, so this just lays there.

And then a few days would pass and we'd miss each other, and we'd never deal with it, but we get back together. But there was always this in the background and it would come up again. So you want to avoid those kinds of things.

Lindsay: Yes, we definitely did that too. It was like after the fight, nobody wanted to say sorry. And when you think of the mental battle, the topic we're talking about. I think that both of us were, probably, in our own space. Just nursing our wounds, thinking about how wrong the other person was.

And, so, we're waiting for like, "Well, gosh, he said this, he did that, so he should apologize." Instead of thinking, which is now what I try to do is, "God, what was my part? Help me be convicted of what I did and what I can apologize for." Because there's always something. There's always some fault on both sides, even if you don't see it at first.

I tend to be the slower processor, so it takes me a while to see clearly. But that's the goal now, is to ask the Lord, each of us, what was our own part. Instead of just thinking about the other person's.

Dr. Kim: So good. Absolutely, because we don't point the finger back at ourselves very well. And I think it's another thing you can develop into a habit of "Okay, there's something here, what was my part in it?"

I think you're right, Lindsay, most of the time both people have contributed. The percentages may not be the same but, usually, when there's been a conflict, both of you have done something in it. And, so, I think, God just wants us to be quick to forgive and let go. Now, that means you may need to talk about things.

Maybe it's an issue you need counseling on, but just getting that, "Okay, I forgive you and, I think, we still need to work on this. I think we still need to go to counseling, so that we can stop this pattern." Or whatever that is. But just forgiving, it lightens the load and it frees you both up, where you can really deal with things.

People that I've worked with that have held on to unforgiveness for a long time, in their marriage, it changes them.

It changes the marriage. It changes them, and coming to a point of forgiveness really does give you freedom.

Lindsay: Mh-hmm, that's really good. That's so good.

Dr. Kim: Yes, it does.

Lindsay: I always think of this one quote, we had Toni Nieuwhof on the podcast when she said, "The responsibility might be 90% on one person's side, but even if you're the 10% person, you own your part."

Dr. Kim: Absolutely.

Lindsay: And, so, that could free up both spouses. They might both think that they're the 10%-

Dr. Kim: Right, and we got a missing 80% here but.

Lindsay: Yes, and as long as there's some apology. And I think, too, when you talked earlier about the fleeting thoughts. That was something that stuck out to me as well. Because I know really early in the first year of our marriage, I started to have fleeting thoughts about, "Well, maybe, I just married the wrong person."

"Maybe I just wasn't ready, I'm too young. I shouldn't have decided this yet."

And, in my mind, I thought, "We should just take a break." Because I'd watched enough episodes of Friends to know that you can just take a break.

Dr. Kim: Exactly.

Lindsay: They weren't married but they were dating. So I thought, "Just take a little break and resume later." And once that thought was a fleeting thought, then, I kind of held onto it. And I got so fixated on this idea that we were too quick, we were too young, we can't work it out. It's too hard. And to the point where I just was about ready to shut down. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to get a divorce.

I just couldn't stay in this situation of not knowing how to solve a problem, and it just paralyzed me. And it was just from these fleeting thoughts that really took root, before I even thought to stop them.

Dr. Kim: Yes, absolutely, and that's such a good example because I think that happens. And then, all of a sudden, that fleeting thought, you're right, it stays for a while, and then it begins to grow. And, usually, we're not objective about those.

Lindsay: No.

Dr. Kim: Because at that times, especially, since you had Friends as your Bible, that seemed like the right thing to do, right?

Lindsay: It seemed very simple.

Dr. Kim: I mean; it works good on TV.

[00:15:26] < Music >

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[00:16:34] < Music >

Lindsay: This really begs the question: what are the steps to identifying your unhealthy thought patterns?

Dr. Kim: Well, kind of what you were talking about that, what is your internal dialogue about your spouse? What are your thoughts about your spouse? And maybe just spend a day and jot them down. Jot down every thought you have about your spouse, just for one day, and then see what those are. Are they positive?

Are they negative?

What are you saying to yourself about your husband or your wife, in that situation?

Are those things that I've thought during the day, that I've told myself, are they positive? Are they negative? And then what I don't think we dig in enough is sometimes if it's negative — why?

Is this about me?

Is it about them?

Is it the way I'm looking at things?

Why does it seem negative?

Why am I dwelling on that being negative?

And then what needs to happen to turn that around? Maybe it's conversation, maybe it's counseling, maybe it's prayer, maybe it's renewing your mind, all those kind of things.

And, so, when you've got that list there and you can circle all the positive. You can identify the negative and then, "Okay, what about those negatives? How do I turn those into a positive?" I think a lot of times we don't realize we have a choice, when we have a choice, and we get in those patterns. And we don't even think that we're making a choice to think negatively, but those build.

And, so, how do you reframe your spouse from negative to positive? How do you take that negative thing and say, "That's not that big a deal. We can talk about it; we can resolve this." Those kinds of things. And also there may be some quirks that your spouse has that you're framing and thinking about too much, that maybe you just need to accept those. Are they really hurting you?

Are they really hurting the marriage or they just irritate you a little bit?

So I think looking at that, too, you can certainly share those. What did I do? I would always shake my leg when we were sitting down. I don't know why, and it really bugged her. She'd put her hand on my leg and I'd stop, I'd get the message and everything.

But it wasn't anything that she made really big, but she made me aware of it and, over time, I stopped. I think it was just a nervous habit or something. But I think she addressed it and said that that bothered her and it was something like, "Okay, I can quit that. I can work on that, it's no big deal? I haven't done that my whole life, so I can stop it again."

So I think it's really just communicating. Again, talking about those things, identifying them and, then, what are you going to do about it, once you identify it?

Lindsay: Yes, that's good. So I'm thinking when you have this practice, it's simple, like write down all the thoughts. But what if that seems really scary to a person? Say they're afraid to see those negative thoughts written down or they don't want to have to go into the why? What would you say to that person?

Dr. Kim: I think it's hard. I agree, I totally agree with that. I totally get what you're saying. I think it's important, though, to deal with it. So maybe you have an accountability partner, maybe you have a counselor. Maybe you have someone else that walks with you, so you don't feel like you're all alone in the middle of that. Just so someone can help you process through those things.

Now, I think the first thing, with all of it, is to admit that you are part of the problem. And until you get to that point, none of that's going to do any good because you're going to justify everything.

So I think what you have to, the first step, really in identifying unhealthy thought problems is to accept the fact that I am part of the problem because you are in somewhere in there. If you're thinking negatively about your spouse all the time, you're part of the problem. Because what your thoughts are coming out in actions, in words, and that's probably perpetuating whatever's going on in the marriage at that time.

Lindsay: Mh-hmm.

Dr. Kim: So that's what I'd say. I would encourage them, I would say find somebody that can walk through this with you in prayer, a lot of prayer. When I'm really going through something and want to just write down things, or thoughts, or whatever and process. Just asking God to help you and to guide you, to reveal what needs to be revealed and just trust Him in that. He's not going to reveal something that He does not give you an answer for, ever. He always gives us an answer.

And, so, if God brings it up, if you're writing it down and you're thinking, "Where did that come from?" He's going to have an answer for you. He's going to have a way out in every situation.

Lindsay: That's so good. So once you have this list, once you're, kind of, facing what you're dealing with. How do we go to battle in our mind?

Dr. Kim: Well, I probably should have said that first, what I just said, and that's prayer. I think you really want to involve God in that because He wants your marriage to be healthy. He wants you to be healthy. He doesn't want you to live with this negative mindset.

Because, really, if you're negative about your spouse, it's probably going to come out other ways, too. It's going to come out with other people, other situations. You get this critical mindset. Maybe start making, "Oh, my gosh, I'm being critical of my pastor now." Those kind of things. And so pray.

And, then, I would say a couple of things. One, and this would be an action step, too, but write out the first 10 words that come to your mind, when you think about your marriage today. What are those 10 things that come to your mind? And then circle the positive ones and put a box around the negative ones.

And then just say, "Okay, what do I see there? Is there a pattern there? God, what am I doing here? Those negative things, are they all tied together? And is that something about me? Is it something about my spouse? Is it something we need to work on together?" Where did those words come from when they first entered your mind?

And, so, I think you by going to battle, it really is beginning to dig deep. Ask God, "Go with me in this. Let's write out the things that I think about my marriage." 

Do bullet points and then, "Okay, what are those? Where'd they come from? Are they fair? Are they not fair? Have I even talked to my spouse about it?"

So you want to begin to deal with it because if you don't and you just let those continue to pile up, it's just going to be more and more negative. And it's going to affect your marriage more and more in a negative way, every day.

Lindsay: Mh-hmm, yes, that's good. As you were sharing that first step before about the identifying patterns. I just thought of I know there are some people who are really averse to airing negative feelings or thoughts because they don't want to be negative. But as we know, whatever we don't deal with, we don't heal. So if we don't deal with or process those, but we keep them inside, they're actually dictating a lot more of our mindset than we realize.

And, so, that's something that I've just learned a lot about, recently. Some of the things we talked about in the Unpacking the Baggage in Your Marriage series, and some research I did for that. It was really illuminating to see that if you're not letting that stuff be processed properly, with the Lord, it's just going to be still affecting everything.

Dr. Kim: Absolutely, yes, and I don't know why, I think, it is. Sometimes we think if we say it or write it down, it becomes more real. But if it's in your mind, it's real because it's affecting your brain. And we know now how that affects brain cells and the rest of your body and, plus, God knows them anyway.

Ultimately, the one person I care most about is my relationship with Him. And, so, He already knows it, and so I can't hide something from Him. And, so, it's asking Him to help me now in processing these things. So it helps my marriage relationship, or my relationship with my kids, or other important relationships.

Lindsay: Yes, that's so good. It reminds me of the Psalms, what you're saying of how David would just pour out all these crazy things. I mean, he said he wanted to kill people, he was very honest with God.

Dr. Kim: And I love it because David was, that's why the Psalms are so good. There are a bunch of them there that David wrote when he was under attack or all different kinds of things. And, yes, he'd just say, for what... But he always came back, "You’re my God, I love you, I worship you."

But he showed us it's okay to air those things out. And get them out there and then you can deal with them, at that point.

Lindsay: Mh-hmm, yes, that's good. That's a great model, good encouragement for us. So then once we've done that, how do we begin to establish new thought patterns?

Dr. Kim: Well, I think something that's really important is when something negative happens in your marriage, it's important to separate that issue from your spouse. In other words, a lot of times we put it all together.

So maybe Nancy, I'm trying to think of an example that she might do, maybe she gets upset at me for whatever.

And, so, I get mad and I get mad at her. I get mad at what happened, and I think I've got to separate those out. Okay, what I want to deal with is behavior, but I know she's my spouse. I know I love her. I know she's human, we're all human. We all have faults. Some of us have more faults than others, that's true.

But they're always going to be, in a marriage, issues that we have to deal with. But they don't change who we are as a husband and a wife, and we fight over little things, at times, still. She still doesn't know how well I drive. You know what I mean? I don't know why that's such a common thing with so many couples, but it seems like it is. But I think you want to frame your spouse in a way that helps how you look at them in a positive way.

And, so, when something negative happens, deal with the issue, and don't let that affect how you look at your spouse. Deal with it, work it through. Does that make sense? I mean, I think it's so easy when we lump all that together. And, so, we label our spouse as someone who's selfish. And maybe they did a selfish thing. Deal with the selfish thing. Are they really selfish? Look at what they did, no, they're probably not. But they did a selfish thing.

And, so, then all of a sudden, you put this selfish tag on them, and maybe they were. Maybe, my spouse was angry and so they're just an angry person. No, they got upset because this happened. But no, they don't go around throwing things all the time in the house. So they're not an angry person, I think, it's so important to do that.

You can be very upset with even hate what maybe they did or the action, but not them. That's still your spouse, you can work through things, there's always answers.

Lindsay: Yes, that's a great point. That's a great distinction to make, and really it's so simple and it's so small, but it's going to shift that whole thought mindset.

Dr. Kim: Yes, it does. It just changes the way we look at it. I want to look at Nancy as someone that has loved me, for all these years, who cares for me. Who's done all these great things for me. Who's been there with me through hard times, tough times, depression, loss of parents, all those kind of things, we've been together. But she might do something today that makes me upset. But that's not her. It's just a behavior that happened in there and I know her heart.

And, so, that's another thing that, I think, is so important in all of this is, if you can frame your spouse, really make sure what are the positive things. What do you love about that person? Why did you marry this person? What were the things that drew you to this person? And those things, probably, haven't changed.

Now, some of the dynamics in marriage or some circumstances may have changed. And, so, their response to that may be different than what you may have seen before. But most likely their heart is still going to be the same heart that you fell in love with years ago, or days ago, or months ago, whatever it is.

Lindsay: Yes, that's really good. So for you, in your life, how do you personally protect your mind and keep your thoughts healthy?

Dr. Kim: I think the fact that I learned that we do have choices and being aware of that we are making a choice. I can have positive thoughts or I can have negative thoughts, and I can make that decision, "Do I reframe my spouse in a negative way or not?" 

"Is what I'm thinking moving my marriage forward or backward."

So those are the things I think of. Not that I go through all of those, but that's where I am with it. Realizing I have a choice, "What am I thinking? Is it positive or negative? do I need to reframe this or have I reframed it in a negative way and I need to be aware of that. Is what I'm thinking, helping my marriage, really, or is it just building my case for me saying that I'm okay or that I'm right?"

And knowing all the time, too, that God's just waiting to invite Him in. And, so, when I have those choices, what am I going to choose, those kind of things.

Just asking God about that, and that's why it's so important in our prayer life, to really ask God to "Search my heart, and know me, test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there's any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way of understanding." And if you say that, I say that prayer every day and God reveals things to me.

I think it's been hard at times because there are things He reveals I don't want Him to reveal. I'd rather be right all the time and all that kind of stuff. But He knows that He has to deal with my ego or whatever it is there. But I think He will help you through those things. 

And, so, I think, you protect your mind, you keep it healthy by just realizing that you do have choices, and is it helping your marriage, is it not helping it? And asking God to help you filter those things out.

Lindsay: How do your daily declarations play into that? Is that a mindset thing as well?

Dr. Kim: Yes, it is. I mean, I've got, I think 35 or 36 declarations that I say every day and it does. In some days, when I've gone through them, I think, "Did I even listen to myself today?" But the fact that I do it every day, it does make a difference. It's how I look at myself, how I look at God, how I look at life, things that I think are important.

And, so, saying those over, day after day, definitely, makes a difference. I think the more you feed yourself with positive things the better. That's why it's so important to be in the word, that we talk about all the time. Whether you're doing a YouVersion plan, reading through the Bible, whatever you're doing, to learn and grow and impart God's wisdom into your mind is so important.

And, so, I think, it's not just about what you do in your thoughts toward your spouse. It's what you do to feed your mind with healthy things, that will help you deal with the things in marriage, in a much better way than if you don't do that.

Lindsay: Yes, that's a great point. And any One Thing subscribers, who get Dr. Kim's One Thing every day email will recognize the declarations because he's worked some into each week's content. But also we do have that available as a download, which I'll link in the show notes.

But I think, Dr. Kim, what you just hit on is really powerful. Because if we are not receiving God's love in our self, we're going to be looking for our spouse to fill up all of that, in a way that they can't. It's just not humanly possible. So I think if we are having negative thought patterns about ourselves. Then we'll expect our spouse to validate us and speak into us, in ways that they are not capable of. And, so, that will be really disappointing for both spouses.

Dr. Kim: Absolutely, yes, we can't expect our spouse to fix those things in us. Yes, I think we do, that's a really good point. Because I think it's easy to put too much on your spouse, unrealistic expectations that they can, "Well, I married you to make me okay. I married you to affirm me all the time."

God is very clear what a spouse can and can't do, and there's a line there that only He can do. And when we start, like you said, crossing that line and expecting our spouse to do things that only God can do, like love us unconditionally, accept us where we are.

We try to do that for our spouse, but we're not perfect in that. There are things that irritate us and upset us. And, so, yes, you've got to have that and know that God is the only one that completes us, no matter what they said in that movie.

Lindsay: Yes, or really all the movies, too. Where it's like, "Oh, if I marry the right person, we'll be happy together. They'll make me feel like myself." Or whatever the thing, and they can't do that.

Dr. Kim: No, they can't, and that's, probably, maybe, it started with Cinderella, at the end when we see them ride off. And it says they lived happily ever after on the carriage, as it goes up.

You can live happily ever after, but there's a lot of work that goes into it. There's a lot of work that goes into making a marriage not only happy, but fruitful, and valuable, and all those things like that.

It doesn't just happen because you happen to ride away in this cool carriage, with these cool white horses.

Lindsay: And it will still have its unhappy moments, even if it's happy, overall.

Dr. Kim: Exactly, yes, your goal is to make it something that's very valuable to both of you, over time.

Lindsay: Mh-hmm, yes, that's so good. So Dr. Kim, this has been a really helpful and illuminating conversation, on the mental battle for marriage. Do you have any final piece of advice for us today?

Dr. Kim: Well, I think I alluded to it, it's something we all have to work with. I work with it. I can let things get in my mind, and it really helps me to ask God into that. First, "Help me recognize it." Because sometimes they're subtle or sometimes they're easily justifiable because I hear somebody else justifying it or our culture justifies it. 

And, so, what you want to do is just realize that there's a lot of things we can put into our mind. And the key is what do you let stay there and what do you let go of? And you want to let the positive things stay and deal with, and then let go of the negative things.

Lindsay: Mh-hmm, that's a great place to leave today. I want to remind you, everyone listening, do not forget to check out the resources mentioned in today's episode. Dr. Kim also has those declarations that we mentioned. All of those can be found in today's show notes. So make sure to find that link wherever you're listening to, find those resources for renewing your mind.

So next week on the podcast, we're speaking to our ministry couples. About how to have a thriving marriage when you're in ministry. This topic is really personal to me, and I know that there can be a lot of unique joys and difficulties for ministry couples. So if that's you don't miss that episode. As always, thanks for sharing your time with us today. Have a great day and do something awesome for your marriage, today. 

[00:35:59] < Outro >

Announcer: Thanks for listening to The Awesome Marriage podcast. This podcast is brought to you by The Ministry of Awesome Marriage and produced by Lindsay Few, with music by Noah Copeland.

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