Life-Giving Personal and Family Rhythms | Ep. 567
[00:00:00] < Intro >
Lindsay: Welcome to The Awesome Marriage Podcast. A place for honest conversations and practical advice on how to build an awesome marriage. I am your podcast producer and co-host Lindsay Few. On the show will be our host Dr. Kim Kimberling. Dr. Kim is a marriage counselor and has been married for over 50 years. His passion is to help you strengthen your most intimate relationship.
This month, on the podcast, I am so excited that we're talking about life-giving routines and rhythms. Sometimes in marriage we can get into bad habits. Whether it's conflict, miscommunication. But we can also use habits and routines to build up our spouse, grow our marriage, grow ourselves personally and our families. So let's talk about that today. So, Dr. Kim, you are a disciplined guy, I know that, and you get a lot done in a day. So will you tell us a bit about your personal daily routine.
Dr. Kim: Yes, because it's important, it helps me, if I wasn't, I don't know if I'd be able to get as much done as I do get done. And really the most important thing that I really try to be pretty rigid on is my morning, and that's I like to get up early. I used to get up around five. Now, I get up at six because I read a book last year called Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker. And he made a believer out of me that we need a little more sleep than that.
So I get up, have a prayer, and then I work out, and then I go out on my back patio and have quiet time. And in that I read, Nancy and I are reading through the Bible in a Year, a YouVersion Plan. And, then, just anything else that's on You Version that looks very interesting, prayer, and then I journal a little bit. Then I eat, shower, and then the day begins.
And, so, I work from home three days a week and in the office, counseling, two days a week. Counseling offices, there's not much flexibility at that. It's just back to back seeing people. But the rest of the day, with Awesome Marriage, I have my weekly guide.
What are the things we need to accomplish this week?
What meetings do I have? Those kind of things.
So those days, certainly, can vary during the day. And, then, at the end of the day, I try to finish by six or 6:30. Nancy and I always have time together after that. Then we have dinner, then we just hang out, watch TV, watch something, and try to go to bed around 10 o'clock, so that's kind of what I do. But the essentials would be the way I begin my day, and the way that I do things when I get home with Nancy. Having that intentional time with her that we have seen, over the years, how that has paid off big time.
Lindsay: That's so good. Well, I have a question, so when you switched your wake up time a little bit later, have you felt a difference?
Dr. Kim: Yes, absolutely, it really is. I would get tired, sometimes, in the afternoon. I wasn't changing really, my bedtime. And, so, I was just getting an hour less sleep. And it really, honestly, started with COVID and I read that book, probably, during COVID or right after that. So I wouldn't go in the gym like I usually do, I've done for years.
And, so, I learned some workout things at home. I started doing a little bit more running than I had been doing, and so all of that evolved. I don't go to the gym now; I do everything from home. We have a little gym where we live. And it's been able to let me, that travel time, and, obviously, I miss some of the social time at the gym, but it also took time. And, so, I put the schedule this way. I feel like I get a good workout and I'm able to do everything I want to do, and get a little bit of extra sleep.
Lindsay: Yes, that's good.
Dr. Kim: It's nice.
Lindsay: That's really good. That book changed my routine, too, because it made me start going to bed earlier.
Dr. Kim: Yes.
Lindsay: So I always struggled to get in bed before midnight, and it got me finally over that hump and get out of that bad habit.
Dr. Kim: I know. Well, I try to, at least, head to bed by ten, sometimes, it's not exactly. And every once in a while we get a little bit earlier. But it depends on what's going on and what we've had to do that evening, and all those things. One thing that I haven't done, that I've noticed that a number of people that I really listen to and admire do, is they're taking these power naps in the afternoon. 20 or 30 minutes' naps and really seeing some benefit in that. I just haven't figured out how to work that in.
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: But I can see the benefit that it's supposed to... Again, there's just so many benefits of good sleep, and it's important for all of us. And I think I bought in early on, too, there were a couple of people I was listening to, when we were forming The Awesome Marriage. And these were people who like slept four hours a night, consistently. And tried to make you feel bad if you slept more than that.
So I was saying, "Well I can get by, my gosh, I'm getting six hours sleep, that's perfect and everything." And just realizing that there are very few people, that are wired or built the way where they can get by with that little asleep without affecting them.
I mean, I think we could all do anything short term. But to do that long term, I think it would have killed me, maybe, literally.
Lindsay: Maybe. I know I think about that because I always felt, like I was telling you, we go to bed late and I feel really bad about it. Because I felt like I didn't feel physically very good. So I always felt like I should feel better, I wish I had more energy. And now I, finally, get half that, which is awesome, I really feel better.
Dr. Kim: It does, it just makes a difference. And I feel more energized when I get up and everything.
Dr. Kim: Yes, and I love, too, that you're saying you start the day with those intentional things you want to get done. But also with just some time journaling and prayer. Because I feel like that's one of those things, for me, if I don't start the day with that, it's not going to fit in anywhere else.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely, and I've tried that a few times. Where I rush in the morning and say, "Well, I'll do this at noon." But I don't. It doesn't, and it's not as effective for me. I need to start my day with God. I need to start focusing on Him, and on positive things, and then that helps me carry that through the rest of the day. And just being aware of His presence, just to know that He really is with us all day, and that helps me in that.
Because I pray off and on during the day. I pray for each person I see for counseling. I pray about them, different things that I just pray about. And, so, the more we realize that God is always there and that He really wants to be a part of our day. And, for me, starting it off with Him just keeps that in front of me all the time.
Lindsay: Yes, that's so good, it's got that grounding perspective. So spiritually, you've got that recognizing God's presence. What else does this daily routine do for you? How does it shape your day?
Dr. Kim: It helps me, I mean, I've put flexibility in there, somewhere. Because I don't want to be where I don't have any flexibility. But it helps me accomplish what I need to accomplish. One of the things that I've done in the last couple of years, is something I got from Carey Nieuwhof, and that's your zones. He has three different zones yellow, red, and green. And when you figure out - when am I most productive? And those are my green zones.
And, so, I put that on my calendar. And, so, I try to do the things that, I think, I need more brain power with or more essential in the green zone. And then the things that are just a little bit easier doing in the yellow zones. And red zones, by then, that's usually the time that I get home and recharge during that time by spending time with Nancy.
But what it does, it helps me know what I'm going to do each day. It helps me be a little more organized in what I do, and it also has given me easier to do a cut-off time. Sometimes I would just end up working later, and then that affects the whole evening or my time with Nancy.
And, so, when I've been able to organize it just a little bit better. Then that seems to help me do really the things that I want to do the most, and that's spend time with God and spend time with her. So that would be the benefit.
But, for me, I have to have some order throughout my day, it just makes a difference. Than just going from one thing to other, and really just putting out fires, I think that's a help for. I mean, sometimes there are fires to put out. But I also have a picture of what I really want to do that day. Whether it's working video stuff, whether it's writing, whatever that is.
Lindsay: Yes, I think that's such a great point. Because I do think without that intentional start to the day, there are more fires because you're not really getting to things until it's urgent, or until it's almost late, or that kind of thing. Because I'm sure we can all think of people who we know, who are just constantly running with their hair on fire, it's just their go-to. And they walk in and you feel it, you just feel this like, "Whoa, what's that?" And they just bring a lot of this anxious energy to it. And I've been that person many times, and it's like just forgetting.
So one part of my routine is I do get up early. Different days, I'm either going to exercise first thing because I have a group I work out with, or I'm going to get in the Word first thing. And then on the other days I'll flip flop it. So if I'm exercising at 5:30, then I'll be in the Word as soon as I'm done. If I'm not getting up that early, I'll be in Scripture first thing. But another part of that, for me, is taking a minute to look at what's ahead in the day.
Dr. Kim: Mm, that's good.
Lindsay: And I really had to habit stack that, when I finally figured out how early I needed to get up to spend time in the Word, in the morning. Because for a long time, because I was going to bed so late, I could not get out of bed, and I just wouldn't do it. And I always wanted to have that habit.
So, finally, I decided that's the person I want to be. I want to be somebody who's grounded in the Word every day. And, so, I just made it non-negotiable. But, then, I realized when that became a habit. I also had to build in time, looking at my calendar and my schedule for the day, so that I would be able to get all the things done. Allot enough time to get to that appointment or get from here to there. And look ahead at the whole thing and see what was going to happen.
Because, for me, being a work-from-home mom, there's just a lot of unpredictability at times. A lot of coming and going, with my kids, coming in and out the house. So there's a lot of different transition points to look at, during the day, and to plan ahead for volunteering at schools, getting kids places. It was really difficult for me when I didn't have that routine of looking at the day, and what it was going to hold and preparing for that.
Dr. Kim: Yes, I love that. And, I think, especially, for the moms that are listening to know that. Because, sometimes, I get it.
I mean, I can remember when our kids were little and we only had two at home. Although one of them, usually, had a friend. So, sometimes, I felt like we have four kids all the time. But for Nancy it’s just the things that she wanted to do, and when she got back into real estate, when the kids were both in school, "Then how do I do work? How do I be a mom?" Those kind of things. And if she hadn't organized herself, it would have been pretty chaotic for her, and it just drains you more. I mean, I don't believe in overdoing, where every little minute is.
I think you always want to have some flexibility because God may bring interruption into your life. I've had that happen. Just something, "Okay, I was going to do this and this." And then somebody calls or something happens, and I think, "Okay, I'm going to go do because I think that's what God wants me to do."
And, so, to have some flexibility, but that overall structure just helps me. I feel better when I'm in that structure. If I ever miss the morning routine, I mean, seriously, I just feel it all day long. It's become that much a part of me, over time. That I feel like I'm kind of lost a little bit, and I don't like that feeling. So that's why I get up and do that.
Lindsay: Yes, it's a really good incentive when you really enjoy it, and it helps the whole day to go well.
Dr. Kim: Well, and I love what you said about not doing it and then just making up your mind, "Okay, this is a non-negotiable. This is something I'm going to do. "And I would encourage people to get there because I work with so many people. One of the things we usually talk about, when people first come in, "Do you have a quiet time?"
And, usually, what I get is "No, but I really want to." So I think it's just taking that step to begin to do that. And I think what, hopefully, you hear me saying, and what you hear Lindsay saying, is as you begin to do that consistently, it just becomes such a part of you. That you feel weird if I haven't done it. It's like I'm walking outside without any clothes on or something. I missed something in the process there.
Lindsay: Yes, it was something that, for me, for the longest time, I thought I would just kind of die still wishing I had gotten there at some point. Because I'm not naturally very disciplined or structured, and I just always struggled. And I, honestly, felt so guilty about it, too.
But, finally, I just realized life isn't going to slow down. It's just not. So I have to decide what is the kind of day I want to have. And the kind of day I want to have does begin with the Word. And it begins with a moment to prepare myself before the day just comes at me. Because I realize with kids in the house, if I don't wake up before them, I'll just regret that all day long. It's just so much.
Dr. Kim: Yes, because once they're up, it's off to the races.
Lindsay: It is on.
Dr. Kim: Exactly. Well, and I think Nancy has pretty much the same routine I do. She gets up later than I do. But then she will have her quiet time and then she works out kind of like that. But that's something that both of us, having a quiet time in the morning and having that quiet time, really, in the evening, together, I think, we already mentioned that. But when we get in bed, right now, we just started back through all the books of the Bible, in the Bible Project. Because I've learned something every time that I've listened to one of their videos and watched it.
And, so, we started back on that, we just finished Genesis. And, so, we'll move on through the Bible Project with that, and then we pray together and we take turns. One night I pray; one night she prays.
One thing that we do on Sunday night, and we've done for years and Nancy initiated it, we take communion together at home. And that's been really special, that we're able to do know. We've always believed that we can do that because Christ told us to. And, so, the fact that we have built that into our Sunday night, as we go to bed, it's been really neat, too.
Lindsay: That's really cool. So you've told us your morning routine. Is it different on the weekends or is it every single day?
Dr. Kim: Yes, well, usually, we try to sleep in a little bit longer. So instead of getting up at six, maybe 7:30, sometimes eight. It's funny, Nancy and her friends do these mass texts, group texts. They all know they don't start before eight. But, sometimes, if I'm still lying in bed or we're talking and it's 08:00 o'clock, bing, bing, bing. I mean, [Inaudible 00:15:32] is going off.
But other than that, sometimes, I work on Saturday morning, I try not to. I try Saturday to be a day to catch up on things around the house. For us we always, usually, go to lunch together, and just hang out together. What we've got going on, maybe, something we've wanted to do that we haven't had a chance to do yet. And, so, we do those kind of things and, usually, cook at home one night and we go out one night.
And, then, Sunday we really try to just be because we go to church on Saturday afternoon. So Sunday is the same, we sleep in a little bit and then just enjoy time together, really. And family, this time of year, family coming to swim, those kind of things.
Lindsay: Mh-hmm, that's great, that's good. So you have your weekday routine, your weekend routine, that's really good stuff.
[00:16:28] < Music >
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[00:17:42] < Music >
Lindsay: So you told us about a couple of your marriage rhythms and routines for the weekends. What are some other daily rhythms or routines you guys have in your marriage?
Dr. Kim: Well, date night has been a routine for a long time and that's been. Before kids, it just happened and once we had kids we talked and we said, "If we don't put this on a schedule and get a babysitter set up, we just won't do it." Because we get busy and all that kind of stuff. So when Grant was about three months old, that's when we started having a sitter once a week, forever, till the kids were able to stay by themselves or whatever. So we always had a date night every week, and we try to keep date night just the two of us. Whether it's at home or out with friends.
So if we go out with friends, maybe, on a Friday night, that Saturday night then is going to be a date night at home, just the two of us. So that's important to us. Spending time together when I get home. We always sit down together when we get home. Nancy is usually already home when I get home.
And, so, we sit down, talk, and just kind of go over our days together, just connect, and then dinner together. And then we always watch, I know some couples that watch different shows. And, so, we've always decided that we're going to watch TV together just because we can talk about it or we can interact when we're watching something.
And, so, most of the time we watch something that both of us like. Sometimes it's a little chick flicky for me, but I watch it. I'll stay there for a while, but those are the things.
Our time together that really important, that we have plugged into every day. I think that, over time, has made a difference.
And, then, really, all these things, if people say, "Okay, I'm going to try this for a couple of days." And then you don't feel anything different, well, you got to give it some time. Because you're changing some routines and you want to give enough time to see that, "Oh, my gosh, this really is making my life better."
"This is making my marriage better."
"I wish we'd been setting aside time together and having date nights, consistently, for a long time." And it's never too late, you start wherever you are and begin to do those things. But those are the things that, where it really benefits our marriage is being intentional about that. I talk about it a lot because we live in such a culture that's not real kind. That Nancy, and she's taught me, she thanks me for everything.
I don't know if that falls in routine, but that is just something that I never tire of hearing. If it's putting a dish in the dishwasher, it's whatever, she thanks me for it. If it's closing the door instead of leaving it wide open, she thanks me for it. And things like that, that are habits that really help make a difference and become part of your structure. Where we want to be very grateful to each other, for what we do and who we are with each other.
Lindsay: I think that's really cool because I feel like all the things that you're mentioning are so doable. And we had a thing, just recently, where I would usually get the coffee ready and I didn't do it for a couple of days. And Brian said, "Why did you stop doing that?"
I said, "What? I didn't even know you cared. I didn't know it mattered to you or even that you really were paying attention to it."
And he said, "No, I love when you do that."
And I said, "Okay, well, I'll do it again."
So when I started doing it again, he said, "I really appreciate you doing that, thank you so much."
And I said, "Well, I don't need the thanks. I don't do it for the thanks." But that actually showed me it did matter to him when before I didn't realize it mattered. And, so, it was cool how that really made sense that if it matters to him, then, I'll do it. But if it didn't, I wasn't going to do it.
Dr. Kim: Yes, that's so cool because, sometimes, we don't reinforce those behaviors. And, as you were saying, maybe, just Nancy is thankful because she's trained me really well by saying thank you, I guess. Because I like hearing that, so I keep doing the things that she says thank you for.
Lindsay: It is effective, I mean, if you know it matters to the person, it changes things-
Dr. Kim: Absolutely, and it's just nice to hear that from someone that loves you and that you love. It's just a way of just growing, and it grows your marriage. It just shows an extra step of caring, and being considerate and loving that makes a difference.
Lindsay: Yes, that's good, and you're right, we can't get too much kindness. I mean, there's just a deficit out there. And, so, we need more of it, and also it builds in that good culture in the marriage, where there's appreciation.
Dr. Kim: No, that's a good way to put it, absolutely, it does. That's what you want a culture of love, and kindness, and understanding, and patience in your marriage. So those things help you do that, and when you see your spouse doing it, it makes you want to do it, too. And then when you're both doing it, you can even play a game with that. Try to outdo each other, "I'm going to out thank you this week."
Lindsay: That's so good. I know it's like the thing that you'll tell us, too, when you think of something good, just say it, which I think it's so good.
Dr. Kim: Yes, because a lot of times we don't because I don't know how many times in counseling I'll hear that. One or the other will say something and then they'll go, "I didn't know you thought that." I didn't know that. They might say something they like about their husband, or wife, or whatever and say, "Well, you should've tell me."
"Well, I thought about it."
"Well, I can't read your mind." It's so important to say those things.
Lindsay: That's so good, that's a great routine to build in. Just saying the good things and appreciation. So what about some weekly rhythms?
Dr. Kim: For us, in our marriage, the date night I talked about. Church on Saturday afternoon, we've got to where we really like that. We go at four and if we don't, we go at 8:30 the next morning. But most of the time we really try to go at four. One, the time seems to work out pretty good for us. If we have something that evening, that doesn't really interfere with that. And, usually, by 04:00 o'clock, if we've done something during the day, there is that break and so that's works out really well.
So that's something that we really enjoy doing. We like going because we're in a big church that has five or six services. Going consistently, at the same time, we've gotten to know more people that way. It seems like the people that go to the 04:00 o'clock are the ones that, consistently, go to that. And, so, that has made a big church seem smaller, to us, which we really like that part of it.
The other thing, we go to pickleball together. That we've done that with friends and that has been something that we've enjoyed doing together, we like playing together. And most of the time we're okay when we're playing against each other. But we're both pretty competitive, that doesn't always work perfect. We definitely do better when we play together. And, too, just the routine of spending time with the friends that we really value and those relationships.
And, so, we've got a couple of couples that we really do value time with them, and really enjoy that time. And, so, we want to be intentional about making sure those kinds of things happen. And then with other friends, yes, if something comes up, definitely we'll do that. But the ones we're really intentional or want to build in. There are a couple of couples that we just really want to make sure we do something with them very consistently, just because we value our time with them and love the friendships.
Lindsay: Mh-hmm, that's good. That's really good. Do you guys still do the weekly check in?
Dr. Kim: Yes, which is a great tool that we have at Awesome Marriage. We don't use the actual form because we've been doing that pretty much on Sunday afternoon. Sometimes Nancy will say, "What's your week look like?"
"What do we have going on this week?"
"What do we need to pray about each other for if something comes up?" All those kinds of things. For me, it maps out my week. It's just like unfolding that calendar, and now I know where we are this week and what we have. What do we have with family? What do we have with friends? Is there some event we're supposed to go to? Those kinds of things. And when we look at busy weeks, that really helps us.
If we've got a week we're really busy, as a couple, "Where do we carve out our date this week? How do we do that? Well, this week maybe it's going to have to be lunch on Saturday, and then we just hang out for a couple of hours or go do something for a couple of hours."
Just make sure we get that date time together. Because date nights don't have to be date nights. They can be date days, or lunch, or brunch, or anything where you can just spend time together. Spend face-to-face time. Enjoy something, whether it's having a meal together or whatever you like to do, activity, just hanging out, those things. You make sure to do those.
Lindsay: Yes, that's so good. So we have a weekly check in resource available at awesomemarriage.com that I will link in the show notes. You can also find it awesomemarriage.com on the Strengthen My Marriage option. But it is just a way to check in about the schedule, about how you're doing. About your relationship, finances, all kinds of things. And this is something that's been so helpful in our marriage, too.
I feel like there was a season where maybe we didn't need it as much or we weren't aware. And then there became a season where just with busyness and schedules, if we didn't take time to check in, we floundered. We really need to make sure we're on the same page because we'll have a couple of surprises in our schedule here and there.
But we need to know what's going on and, especially, like who's going to drive which kid, at what time. What dinners are we going to be able to have together? What's going to be on the road or whatever? and there's a lot to think about. So this really helps us to get ahead of it together, on the same page, which is super helpful.
Dr. Kim: Yes, and one thing that really helped me about it is knowing, especially, if we're doing something on a weeknight, I really want to know ahead of time. Because I gear my day of just having our weekend or our nights together at home. Unless we've got one of the grandkids have a game or something like that. But I like to know all those things, so I don't walk in the door, tired, and I've not prepared myself, "Okay, are you ready to go?"
And I'm thinking, "Where are we going?" So that doesn't happen anymore.
Lindsay: Yes, that's good. Yes, we would have surprises like you're supposed to be there already, and that's not good.
Dr. Kim: Exactly.
Lindsay: That's good. So what did your routines look like when you had kids in the home?
Dr. Kim: I think morning and evening part were pretty much the same. Our time together, we've always prayed before we go to bed, our whole marriage. And we've always gone to bed at the same time. So that's been really good. Then the flexibility, the evening time depends on what the kids are doing.
And, so, we always made sure we had time together. We liked to do it pretty much after I got home or after dinner. A lot of times when the kids were certain ages, it was after they went to bed, those kind of things. The other things that were important, and you alluded to, family dinners were really important for us. As the kids get older, it's harder to have that every night. So we would try, at least, when the kids were in high school, we tried to have, "Okay, can we find two or three nights this week? What do we do?"
Another thing that we did, Sunday night was always family night forever. And because we did it from the kids being so young, that we didn't get a lot of pushback when they got older. That they were still willing to be home on Sunday night. So, basically, we would fix something or do something that everybody wanted to do for dinner, hang out together. Maybe, sometimes, we'd go see a movie or watch a movie. Sometimes we'd just hang out or play games, something like that.
But Sunday night was just always sacred. That's family night. And it was interesting, they knew it and most of their friends knew it. And, so, thank goodness, after their friends figured that out, then, they weren't always asking them to do something on Sunday night. That they would much rather do than spend the night at home.
So that was one of the fun things that I think really helped. Date nights we always did. And, sometimes, we would work that around what the kids are doing. If the kids had something to do, say, on a Friday night, and we usually had dates on Friday night, we'd switch that to Saturday night. So we'd go along with that.
So if there's something we want to do with the kids, if there's an event at their school. Something we want to be with, we'll do that and, then, we'll put our date night at a different time. But always trying to make sure we work that in on the weekend somewhere.
Lindsay: Mh-hmm, that's good. So you still have that important stuff prioritized, but then you added in stuff with the kids, too.
Dr. Kim: Yes, and we realized, early on, really, that we needed that date night. We needed that time to, intentionally, be together, have fun together. Not talk about serious stuff, just enjoy things we did when we're dating, and it just rejuvenated both of us. And, so, I just think it's so important to do that. And, sometimes, we forget why we married that person. And, so, if you have good date nights and have fun together, you're going to stay in touch with those things.
Lindsay: Yes, that's so good. Yes, because it's really too easy to just feel like business associates or something because you're just taking care of all this business together. But you want to have fun, too.
Dr. Kim: Exactly, and I get it. We've talked about structured time, those kind of things. We need to have some of that in our lives, and we need the other to. It's when it gets out of balance that I think we get in trouble. And if all you did was have fun, I mean, that might be good for a while. But, eventually, that might cause some problems, too.
Lindsay: Yes, that's true. So one thing that we have also, so we mentioned the Weekly Marriage Check In. We also have a resource for family dinner time called the 52 Questions for Your Family Dinner Table. Which is a resource that I wrote. It's, literally, just questions that you print out little cards, cut them, and you can pull them out at the dinner table, shuffle the deck or whatever.
And, so, in my family with having four kids at home, around that dinner table, it can get crazy. Sometimes it's just kids are bickering. Sometimes it's just a bunch of potty-humor-type jokes, and it all depends on the stage of the kids. But there were times that I'm going, "Okay, I really want family dinner time to be enjoyable. Is that possible?"
Dr. Kim: Yes.
Lindsay: So, sometimes, using that little bit of structure is just so simple. You just pull a card, and then everybody has to answer the question. But that little bit of structure helps to guide the conversation to something. Maybe it's not meaningful or deep but maybe it is and, maybe, it's at least a little bit of guidance. Instead of just fighting over the ketchup bottle or whatever.
Dr. Kim: Right, and I think if you do those kind of things, consistently, everybody knows that's one of the things we're going to do at dinner. So that's cool.
Lindsay: Yes, anything we can do to help make these things easier and more enjoyable, I'm all for it.
Dr. Kim: Yes. Well, and it's important to us our kids talk to us, all the time they're at home. And, so, when you start that young, dinner table, it's just a great place to begin to build those things in. And asking them about their day, before they think "You're intruding on my life." They will really give you an answer, and you set some patterns that hopefully will pay off, as the kids get older.
Lindsay: Yes, learning to listen to other people talk about their day is a good thing.
Dr. Kim: Yes, exactly. There are some great skills you can teach, at that time, that will benefit them in other relationships.
Lindsay: Yes, not easy, but worth sticking with it
Dr. Kim: Worth the effort, yes, exactly.
Dr. Kim: So, Dr. Kim, during that season when the kids were home. Were there any other rhythms or routines you had that were, especially, fun or that everyone really looked forward to and enjoyed?
Dr. Kim: Family prayer was one of the things that we started doing when the kids, really, were young. We would read them something and pray, even though they didn't know what we were doing sometimes. But I saw that evolve to where we always would have that time with the kids, before they went to bed, of prayer and we'd all be together. And one of the things that we did well was we would ask them to, "Is there something you want us to pray about?"
And so we prayed about turtles, friends' turtles that were sick, and we prayed about dogs, and we prayed about somebody's grandma. But it just helped them see, that you can talk to God about anything, and that we were all there to pray together. And they saw some neat results come out of those things. So that was really cool.
We had a Bible, I think it was called The Illustrated Bible. And, so, we'd read that with kids and we read Dr. Seuss, we read all kinds of stuff. But just continuing to let them know that reading the Bible, praying, was just a regular rhythm of life that was just part of who we were, as a family.
And, then, one of the things that Nancy did that, really, was impactful on our kids and then our grandkids. Because Nancy was in Bible Study Fellowship forever. And, so, both of our kids went through the kids' program with her. And, then, she took every one of our grandkids went through it, too.
So that was a cool thing that she did. That was a routine that really exposed the kids to something, and what they learned there, and we continue to see that in them. The things that, at a young age, that they were taught that have been really helpful for them, throughout their life so far. So that's been really cool, too.
Lindsay: That's awesome.
Dr. Kim: I think, too, going to church has been an important thing for us, all the way through, as a family. We went through the years of bribing kids, but that was when they were little. It was because we liked to go to early church, and then Sunday school. We went to the donut store every Sunday morning, if everybody was up and ready. And, so, that worked.
High school, it was like, "Okay, we're going to go to brunch every Sunday. If you go to church, you can go. If you don't, you can't." And it was like, people may think that was bad, but no, it worked, and they were at church because they loved going to eat out. So it was like put those two things together.
So they went to church, and we had family time together and had a meal together on Sundays, and we did that for a number of years also. So those were some good rhythms that we put in, that really helped us. And in church, too, the first church we went to, it was a smaller church, and we just walked in one day and those people just loved us and embraced us. And there were some great mentors in that church, and that helped us continue that routine of letting church be a very important part of our lives.
We were in that church for about, probably, 17 years, and we grew a lot in that church. We were both able to serve in that church. We learned a lot in that church, and then God led us somewhere else.
But just that impact, I would encourage young couples to finding a church. Where you really are known, and where you can know the people. And let these people that are ahead of you, different stages of marriage, different stages of life pour into you or just observe them. How important that routine of going to church, consistently, has been for our family. And, then, to see that with our kids and grandkids.
Lindsay: Yes, that's so good.
Dr. Kim: Yes.
Lindsay: I think there's nothing else quite like that. Because there are a lot of things we can do at home that are really impactful, and nothing outweighs the impact and the influence of the home life. But having that bigger community of the church is such a gift, to me, to know there are other people who know my kids. And if they don't want to talk to me about something, that's fine, as long as they talk to somebody else who they know, who's part of our community, that's great.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely.
Lindsay: That's something you can't just conjure anywhere else. There might be a few places you get that. But church is really a special gift that God's given us for our faith and our families.
Dr. Kim: And I would just, the couples who are listening that just, maybe, you go to church. But everybody says they go to church and then you say, "How often?"
"Well, I can't remember the last time we went."
So I think the average is one out of four Sundays, the people that would say they go to church. I would just encourage couples to try, maybe, for a three-month period. Go every Sunday for three months and see if it makes a difference or not, just try it. And, then, what I think will happen in that three months.
If you're in the church that is really the right place for you, that you're going to feel more connected. You're going to have somebody miss you if you're not there, that may be checking on you, give it a chance. And it's just showing up, talking to some people, and just being consistent about it, and see what happens.
Lindsay: Yes, that's so good. I always feel so lucky since I'm married to a pastor, we never had, really, the option of other things on Sunday. If somebody wants to have a kid's birthday party or a soccer practice, we're just not going. It's just not going to be an option for us. And, so, I'm just so thankful for that because it makes it easier to not have it as an option. But for most people that's not the case.
And, so, you're going to have to set some boundaries on your time and say no. Maybe you can find a Saturday afternoon church like Dr. Kim and Nancy. But whatever it takes to get there, I think, it'll be worth it. And I also would encourage you, there are a lot of people we've seen just, recently, coming back after Covid.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely, yes.
Lindsay: And, so, maybe, you, out of practice, out of the habit, forgot how much it mattered. It's not too late to go back. You're not the only one who's just now remembering and thinking about it, and getting comfortable with that again. And it will feel weird, at first, because it's a different context than you've been in for a while. But I think it's well worth it.
Dr. Kim: I totally agree, and thank goodness we had church online. Something that if the pandemic had happened some years before, we wouldn't have had. And, so, then we were totally out of church. So it's been such a blessing. Certainly, we ended up watching church online a few weeks ago, just because of something in our schedule that didn't work. And, so, I'm so thankful we have that.
I remember the first time Nancy and I went back after our church reopened, during the COVID stuff. And just walking in there, and just you feel God's presence, and you around other believers. And it helped me appreciate how much I really do enjoy that experience of just being there in person, just live in front of that.
Lindsay: Mh-hmm, yes, that's powerful. It really is. So as we wrap up this conversation, all about our life-giving rhythms and routines, is there any final piece of advice you'd give us, Dr. Kim?
Dr. Kim: Well, because I'm pretty routine-oriented, I think, there is value for all of us in it. And maybe just take some time, and the two of you sit down together and, sometimes, it's better to say, "Okay, what are some things we want in our marriage right now or want in our life right now?"
Start with your end goal. "Well, it's to have time together."
"It's to have a quiet time."
"It's to start reading the Bible together."
So start with what your end goal is and then back it up. "Okay, what do I do on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday to make sure we accomplish these things." And just try it, see what happens. I don't think you'll regret it, and you'll see some neat things come out of it, especially, the things that just draw you closer to God and closer to each other.
Lindsay: That's good. That's a great end product for routines to give us, makes it sound more fun.
Dr. Kim: Yes, it should be fun. You don't want it to be where you've got this checklist of rules. It's a way to organize your life; and make sure you do the things that are valuable, and important to you, and that make a difference.
Lindsay: Yes, absolutely, that's good. All right, so if you don't have the Weekly Check in Guide, go ahead and find that: awesomemarriage.com, Strengthen My Marriage Tab. Same place you can find the 52 Questions for Your Family Dinner Table. If you want to spice up those conversations a little bit or tone them down, either way. So go to awesomemarriage.com or see the link in the show notes for either of those helpful resources. Have a great day and do something awesome for your marriage, today.
[00:43:20] < Outro >
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