How To Deal With Being "Unequally Yoked" | Ep. 518
Lindsay: Welcome to The Awesome Marriage podcast, a place for honest conversations and practical advice on how to build an awesome marriage. I am your podcast producer and co-host Lindsay Few. On the show will be our host. Dr. Kim Kimberling.
Dr. Kim is a marriage counselor and has been married for over 50 years. His passion is to help you strengthen your most intimate relationship. We get a lot of questions from people who want to know how to handle being unequally yoked. So what does that phrase mean and what can a spouse do in this situation?
So, Dr. Kim, I'm going to start by asking, will you explain what we mean when we say unequally yoked?
Dr. Kim: Because, I think, it's a foreign term. I think in the Bible, I mean what it used to be, it was like two oxen and they're supposed to pull equally, and if one's not doing the work, it doesn't work. And, so, I think, as a Christian, it's usually one of the Christians married to a non-Christian that can be they have different beliefs, values, priorities, those kind of things.
That's where the Christian person is wanting to live a life in a marriage like God wants them to and the other person doesn't value that in the same way. And, so, there's frustration because you're unequally yoked. One wants to go this way. Another of you wants to stay stuck, or go backwards, or go a different way.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm, that sounds really frustrating. Any marriage, you don't really need any more factors to make it harder because marriage is already hard. We know.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely. And, I think too, I've talked to some people that have been in that situation over the years, and most of them were women, and most of them said they just felt like the person would change. The husband would change in marriage, and in those cases, it hadn't happened.
Now that doesn't mean it can't, but I don't think you want to. If you've got your list of what you want in a spouse. Which I encourage every single to do. What are your essentials in there? And if one of them is I want to marry a Christian and the person isn't, I think that should be a red flag for you. I had one person tell me, one time, I've had more one person tell me this, "I've decided I wouldn't even go on a first date with someone who’s not a Christian because every marriage starts with the first date."
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And they said, "I just don't want to go there." And, I think, pre-planning is great, but a lot of the people that are in it didn't pre-plan.
That's nothing against them, you're in love with somebody, I get that. And, so, I think, sometimes when we're in love and starry-eyed, it's easy to overlook something.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: Someone that you're in a relationship with is not a Christian is a huge thing to overlook
Lindsay: Mm-hmm, for a person who believes in Jesus, that's going to be a foundational piece of your life. It's not just an extra, it's an important fundamental piece of it.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely.
Lindsay: Well, so, I'm hearing you say that the way that this happens is, probably, because the one spouse was hoping the other would come on board and be on the same page. And does that happen very often? Have you seen that?
Dr. Kim: I think it can. I mean, obviously, God does that and, I think, God sometimes has used someone of faith to bring another person to faith, but it's a lot of struggle.
Lindsay: Yeah.
Dr. Kim: It's hard and it's hard when you are going through things and you're trying to see, "What does God want us to do in this situation?" And your spouse is going in a totally different direction with it, and you are coming using different values or beliefs to do that. And, so, it can cause a lot of conflict, and friction, and frustration in a marriage situation.
Lindsay: Yeah, for sure. Well, so, let's back up a little bit because you mentioned if you're dating someone who's not a Christian, that's a red flag. Well, what are the benefits of being married to someone who does share your faith?
Dr. Kim: Oh, I think, we look at the important things in marriage, it gives you a reference point. It gives you both the same foundation to come from. I think for Nancy and I for example because we were both Christians and we were very nominal Christians when got married. We thought we were, but we've learned a lot over the years, and with God guiding us in that.
But it was, always, like we said, we did have the same foundation. We did have the same core beliefs. And, so, it made it much easier when we were dealing with issues to know that that was a factor and that we are both wanting to do what God wants us to do or wanting to honor God with our decisions, or want to make the best decision together. So it really gave us this foundation that has been a huge help for us as we've gone through difficult times in our life.
Lindsay: Yeah, I can see that too. I definitely relate to that because I know when we got married, I mean, like you guys, we were very young, so we didn't have a lot of wisdom or maturity. But one thing we both knew about each other was, for me, I knew Brian has admitted that he is a broken person who needs Jesus. And at the core, to be a Christian means, "Hey, I know that I need help."
And so, that's a good place to have that shared humility and to recognize that we both are sinners, we both need Jesus, and we both need grace. And I think that gives you a good place to start because then you have forgiveness on the table, you have grace on the table, and those are things you need to make it in marriage.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely. I'm so glad you've mentioned those two things. Because the longer I go the more I know how essential those are. And I've told singles before, I said, "If you are dating someone and they cannot forgive you run. Just run." Get away from it, get out of that situation. Because, man, if Nancy couldn't forgive? I'd been dead a long time ago.
Lindsay: Yes, for sure.
Dr. Kim: I need forgiveness, I need grace. And I love the way you put it that you and Brian knew you're both flawed humans, and we all are. And, so, I think, if you're in a marriage with someone and one is a Christian and the other is counting on their own wisdom, their own ideas and things. It's just not going to work the same.
Lindsay: Yes, I think so. So, I think that shared foundation, that shared belief that's all really important, and it's going to make your life, you'll have purpose together, you'll have some meaning together. But you also have that grace that's going to help you get through every day together, and that is definitely a benefit.
Dr. Kim: I think it helps. We talk a lot about our differences or things we disagree on. We either turn to each other or away from each other.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: When we turn away from each other, we just drift farther apart. But when to each other, even though we still got to figure it out. I think with that foundation of being both Christians it's easier and makes more sense to turn toward each other and realize we're fighting this together. No matter what it is, we're not fighting against each other. We got to figure out how to solve this problem with God's help together.
Dr. Kim: And when you think about that. When it's both of you believers, you involve God in the middle of it, you've got a lot on your side.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: Now that doesn't mean everything's still going to go perfect, but you're going to be able to approach and deal with things so much easier. So much better.
Lindsay: Yeah, it removes one major barrier to having a great marriage.
Dr. Kim: Yeah, absolutely.
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Lindsay: So if a couple is unequally yoked, what are the common issues they're going to face? Where are these pain points going to be showing up?
Dr. Kim: I see it in a lot of places, I think, parenting is one. Because you might be coming from totally different places in that, and the Bible talks about training up your child in the way he should go.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: Well, if one is a believer one is not, "What does ‘the way he should go’ mean?" And it may mean totally different things. It could be in your priorities in the decisions you make.
What is a priority?
"What are the things that are important to us for our marriage or for our family." Those kind of things.
Friends and family and I've had some people that they marry into a family of nonbelievers. And, so, that's really tough and that person ended up being... the one I'm thinking about was ridiculed a lot. At Thanksgiving dinner, when someone's giving you a hard time about your faith, turkey doesn't taste as good.
Lindsay: Yeah.
Dr. Kim: And I think there's just other things too, you may have some other ideas, too. But, I think, it's just going to make the major things that we deal with in marriage and maybe sometimes the small things.
It's like on a Friday night you got a date night, do you go to a bar and get drunk? Or do you go have dinner and maybe have a glass of wine, or whatever, but enjoy each other that way. So, I mean, it's, it's going to tear you in a lot of ways.
Lindsay: Yeah, for sure, because, I think too, you're speaking to the friends and family, and the different people you're surrounded with. It's going to be a little harder to sync up on who you want to be around. If one person wants to be around other Christians or people who are influencing them in that direction, and the other has a totally different view on social things. That's going to be a lot of tension.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely.
Lindsay: I've seen that happen, too, with parenting a lot. Where, at first, it's neutral, you're just trying to keep the baby alive. And then after a while, the decisions start to involve those core values more and more as you go forward.
And I've seen where a couple, they didn't share the faith, and, so, the way that they approached that was just so difficult, and it was full of tension and they didn't last. I've seen that happen several times, so it's like they just can't go on that way.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely. It makes me think back to when Nancy and I first married, and we, really out of both of our friend groups, we were the first ones to get married.
Lindsay: Mh-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And, as a single, all my guy friends seemed great, and, I think, Nancy's were, probably, more my friends than hers. But as we got married we realized, "These are some people we, probably, don't need to spend as much time with as we were."
Because they were wanting us to go and do things that we just didn't think were good for our marriage. Not that they were horrible things, but were things that, "Okay, we want to go a different direction now. We've left our single life behind and now we're talking about marriage life." And, so, it makes some of those situations difficult.
Lindsay: Yeah, for sure. Well, and I'm thinking too, about the way that our friends can influence us. If you're having a hard time in marriage. If you're struggling and then if you're going to talk to your friends about it, what are they going to say?
Are they going to encourage you in a healthy way?
Or are they just going to say, "Hey, you got to take care of yourself and value yourself."
There's a big difference because I've gotten a lot of, really, bad marriage advice from Christians, from fellow believers. And, so, if people who are trying to share this are still going to say things that are hurtful. How much more so from people who don't have the same fundamental outlook on the purpose of marriage. Whose idea of marriage was in the first place? Those things are not going to align.
Dr. Kim: No, not at all. And, so, I always ask the question, when a couple is struggling in marriage. I always ask them who they're talking to? Who are their friends and are your friends for marriage or against marriage?
And sometimes someone will say, "Well, my best friend, Mary, she's been through a bad divorce and she just doesn't like men right now," or anything like that. "And I'm having coffee with her once a week and we're talking about my marriage." And I said, "Have coffee with her, she needs your friendship. But find someone else to get marriage advice from."
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: So I think, it's a great point, you've got to be very careful in those situations. That if I've got an issue, I want to go to a guy that I know has the same faith as I do, and that has same values and is going to help me from that perspective, as opposed to going...
I've got some great friends that are nominal or not Christians. And I love being with them, I love being around them, I have fun with them. I hope they see Christ in me at some point. But I'm not going with them and talk about my marriage. I'm just not.
Lindsay: Yeah, I mean, people who I know who have a broadly divorced context, people whose all their friends are divorced. Then it's like you're looking around, it's hard to get a clear picture of what it could look like to have a marriage that does last if you're not surrounded by anyone who's in that situation.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely.
Lindsay: Well, let's see, so we got parenting, priorities, decisions. Oh, another one I thought of was finances, that's going to be awkward. When one person wants to tithe and the other one is like, "Heck no." That's a problem.
Dr. Kim: Yes, I've had that happen and it's tough.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: "If you weren't tithing, we could take that money you tithed last year and we could have had the down payment on our swimming pool. Why are you tithing?" And things like that. So you end up fighting about things that you wouldn't be fighting about. Your spouse would be saying, "I'm so glad we tithed and I see how God is blessing our marriage because we are." Just those kinds of things.
Lindsay: Yeah, that's true. So what are some healthy ways to handle this divide, if a spouse is in the situation?
Dr. Kim: It's difficult. I would say a prayer. I would also say those that believe like you do, that are your friends, having them pray for you, also, in that situation. And then find the support of others that are supportive of marriage. So can we just talk about who you talk to, those kind of things.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And I think trusting God, and going that way, unless it becomes abusive, that you hang in there.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm, I think that I've seen that. I've seen spouses be prayerful for years, and years, and probably for the first couple of weeks, it was easy to pray for, or maybe the first couple months, I don't know. But after a while, I'm sure it got really old really fast.
Dr. Kim: Yeah, absolutely.
Lindsay: And they stayed.
Dr. Kim: It's not easy. But, I think, and it goes back to you. I really look at it this way, if God wants me to be the husband that He created me to be, so my obedience, truly, is to Him each day.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And, so, I want each day, say Nancy was a nonbeliever, I would want to do what God wanted me to do every day. And I know that's hard and I know that's frustrating, and I know, at times, you want to go, "I don't care, I'm done."
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: But I think the more we keep it between us and God. I think it is easier in many ways to live in that situation and trust that God is working and has at least given them opportunities, and working in them.
Lindsay: Yeah, that's true. And I think it's important, too, that applies to every marriage, and every situation.
It doesn't matter what the people around you are doing or what your spouse is doing, you can still choose that obedience no matter what. And I also love that you mentioned, a minute ago, that as long as it doesn't become abusive. Because that would be a place where it would, actually, be obedient to God to not stay there. Because He does not advocate for that in marriage at all, and He's not okay with that.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely.
Lindsay: So I heard you say prayer, involving friends, trusting God, those are all really good ways to handle it. Are there any other things you'd put on that list?
Dr. Kim: Probably, and I'm not thinking of everything, but, I think, it is not being a victim. "Okay, I did make this choice."
Lindsay: Mh-hmm.
Dr. Kim: Now I've also had people that the person acted like they were Christian to win his or her heart, and then changed. That's, probably, a different situation, a different podcast.
Lindsay: Yeah.
Dr. Kim: But, I think, most people know, going in, that this person wasn't. So in some ways, you did make that choice and there are some natural consequences that come with that. But that doesn't mean God's abandoned you, or He's not going to bless your marriage or any of those kinds of things. And, so, I think, that comes to where daily being obedient to Him, what does he want me to do in this situation? Is about the best way and the healthiest way to work through that.
Lindsay: And what that makes me think of, what you're saying, is that I bet there are a lot of people who would be in this situation you described. Where someone does marry a person who either was in faith or was wanting to play the part. But then, as their marriage has progressed maybe they've kind of gotten, I don't know, off the wagon, or just stopped that pursuit of faith. And, so, that would still apply here, I think.
Dr. Kim: I think so. I think that in situations I've seen I had a couple one time. He was a music minister when they married, and he just lost his faith. Circumstances, things that happened, and everything, and it was a tough situation that she had to deal with.
He did, eventually, become abusive verbally and a little bit of physical, and, so, she ended up leaving the situation. So I don't know why that happened. I think it's choices that he made and some people he started hanging around, and I think we all can be influenced. But that's difficult, too, because you go in thinking, "Oh, my gosh, this is exactly what I wanted."
Or "I always wanted to marry a pastor."
Or "I always wanted to marry a godly businessman or woman." And, so, then things change and it is difficult.
Lindsay: Yeah, it really is. And I've seen it so many times and when one person might be having a crisis of faith, or maybe they had like a real moment of zeal and they were on fire for the Lord, and then it just kind of faded and fizzled, they got distracted.
They probably had more responsibilities to take care of and their focus changed, but that doesn't mean it's gone forever. It doesn't mean the fire is out, it just means that that's not maybe the focus.
And, so, I've seen so many times where somebody went from this real spiritual high and that's, maybe, when they got engaged or got married. Went through a valley, but they didn't lose the fire, they didn't leave the faith.
They just went through peaks and valleys and I know that can be really frustrating. If one spouse is not really on board at the moment, but the story isn't over. I think that's important encouragement, is that it's still in process and that's a place to trust God, too.
Dr. Kim: And, I think, and maybe this will be helpful, but Nancy and I, my faith has always been easy. I had a granddad that influenced me greatly and he just lived his faith. He was the great guy, fun guy taught me so much.
Nancy has always would struggle with her faith, especially in the early years of marriage. And she believed but there were some doubts or, "Am I saved," or things like that. And that was real frustrating, to me, because I thought, "Why can't you be like me? Just accept it."
Well, she was wired different than I was, and God was using her questions and doubts in a positive way to make her faith deeper over time. And, so, if you're in a situation like that, pray, but be patient.
Because if you see that person seeking God and they're struggling, there's nothing wrong with doubting or questioning. And there are so many people I know have come to where God wants them to be by going through that one.
Lindsay: Absolutely.
Dr. Kim: Faith was just always easy, for me, I don't know why. It just was. I think it really did have a lot to do with my upbringing, and being around people of the faith. I felt was easy for them and it's just like it was natural. And then when it became, I had to make it my own and I was able to do that.
So I think if you're in that situation learn, ask God to help you walk beside your spouse, even though you're frustrated, it's probably best not to say anything. And try to encourage them in it, or encourage them to talk to their pastor, or to talk to a Christian counselor. All the things to help them work through that. Or if you can, "What can I do to help you?"
Lindsay: Yeah.
Dr. Kim: And that's different than being unequally yoked. And those situations, I think most couples at one time or other. I don't know that both are in the same place spiritually at the same time, a lot of their life or marriage.
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: And, so, there's times that I've grown time, Nancy has grown. Bible Study Fellowship, I'll give them a plug, was huge for Nancy. It changed her life as far as questions, doubts, and her belief in God, and her foundation getting stronger in that. So just be patient in those situations, and rejoice over the baby steps.
Lindsay: Oh, absolutely, and, I mean, the Scripture speaks to this, but even if your spouse is just still there, even if they're not in faith, but they're still with you. You still have the chance to model the love of Christ to them and they're not leaving the marriage. They're still with you and there's still hope and a chance. And I've seen couples who, after 20, 30, years, now, they're not unequally yoked anymore, and that's amazing to see that.
Dr. Kim: So cool. I kind of think all the angels are just celebrating in heaven, "Hey, there's a party."
Lindsay: Yes, that's so cool and so hopeful, even though I'm sure those years are really hard to wait through that. Well, so, in the midst of all that frustration, what are some of the unhealthy ways people might handle this?
Dr. Kim: Oh, I think, anger can get in. I think nagging and I don't think nagging helps. My experience in that is, usually, that's going to push somebody away, especially, in this situation. And don't try to make them feel guilty.
"We're having trouble getting pregnant."
"If you were a Christian, I bet we'd be pregnant."
That may be extreme, but I think that happens sometimes. And, so, you don't want to punish them for not being a believer. I don't think that's what God wants you to do. You just look at Jesus' life and how many unbelievers He came in contact with, and the way He handled things with them and loved them.
He may point out their sin. But He was gentle in the way He did it and loving in the way He did it, and they repented and changed. And, so, I think, He's our model of how to approach people and deal with people, and, I think, we can't do that on our own. We got to have His help to do that.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And that's why, I think, prayer is so important. You got to let Him equip you every single day. Because some days you may want to just stand and hit your head against the wall for a while because you're so frustrated, and that's okay. But let God walk you through that, don't get stuck there.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm, yeah, that's a good point. That's really good. I think I just, I don't know why, but I've seen a lot of nagging happen in these situations and it's just painful to watch. You're just going like, "This is not really doing much to promote the faith you're talking about."
It looks less attractive, to me, when I have to see you do that. It's not good. And I know it's hard, obviously, because being married to a believer is still hard and that's important to know. But it just doesn't do anything to help the relationship. It's going to distance, like you said, and I know that there are other ways we can communicate.
We've talked a lot about team language, and working together, and facing problems together. So even if the spouse is still unbelieving you can foster that team aspect, rather than just kind of bugging them and bugging them.
Dr. Kim: That's such a great way to put it. I didn't even think of it that way, it is. Try to apply what we talk about being a team even in that situation.
Lindsay: Because, I think, you mentioned earlier the victim mindset and, I think, that's easy for anyone to fall into just because it makes you feel like you're off the hook.
Dr. Kim: It never works.
Lindsay: Yeah, so don't nag, don't become the victim. Don't do those things. I also think like the judgment of just looking down your nose at your spouse or thinking that, "Oh, I wish they would change."
"If only they were like so and so." Comparison is terrible because that's never healthy in any situation.
Dr. Kim: Oh, no.
Lindsay: And, also, I think another unhealthy place to be is sort of this fantasy world of, "If only you were a believer, we would be doing X, Y, and Z, and everything would be better."
I have heard spouses say that when they're in the unequally yoked situation. Oh, "If only my spouse were a believer, we'd be praying together every day, we'd be studying the Bible together every day."
I'm like, "Well, that's not really true of all Christian couples." It's not a guarantee. Things don't turn into sunshine and rainbows just because you're both believers, it's not perfection. So, I think, that mindset can be really harmful because then it keeps you trapped in this comparison fantasy, which isn't true.
Dr. Kim: Yes, what I hear you saying is, accept where you are at this point, and what does God want you to do where you are today?
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: Continue to pray for the things we're talking about. But accept where it is today and how do you deal with that in a healthy way? And how do you love your spouse through this?
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: They're not your enemy. God loves them as much as He loves you, and He wants them in the Kingdom just as much as He wanted you in the Kingdom. So don't get in the way, don't get in God's way.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm, that's a good word. So my next question, which you've kind of answered already, what are the best things a spouse can do in this situation? You pretty much just dropped the mic on that, but do you have anything else to add?
Dr. Kim: I think the prayer, obviously, and I think a couple of good prayers would be, one, to pray that God will help your spouse see Him in you. And, I think, also, to pray for God to help you see the good things in your spouse.
Because they're not a believer at that point doesn't mean that they're this bad person. You married this person for a reason, you overlooked they weren't a believer because of all these other things you saw. Well, focus back on those and encourage your spouse in that, come alongside your spouse. I mean, that's, probably, the best way to show Jesus to your spouse, and, so, I would think that.
Lindsay: Yeah, I think, that's really good. I think speaking encouragement, speaking their potential.
Dr. Kim: Yes.
Lindsay: Trusting God with them. Like we talk about with parenting, you have to trust, like you said Dr. Kim, God loves them more perfectly than we can. So He knows what's best for them.
Dr. Kim: And know that He wants them to be in the Kingdom more than we do.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm. So what encouragement can you give to a Christian spouse, who is married to a nonbeliever? If they are in this situation today and they just feel so stuck. They feel like there's no hope. What would you say to them today?
Dr. Kim: Well, I'm an optimist, so I think there's always hope. My dad had a secretary years ago, and she was his secretary for, probably, 30 years. Her husband was not a believer. I watched her in that marriage. I watched her love him, support him, encourage him, be kind to him, year after year, after year. They were married, probably, 45 years. About year 43 he became a believer.
Lindsay: Wow, oh, my gosh.
Dr. Kim: And she was a very special person. But her strength came from the Lord, you could just see it in here because there were times that I was around them and I knew she was dying inside. But she stayed and she was so representing Christ to him, and he was a tough guy, good guy, loved the guy, but he was a tough guy.
But of what I didn't know the end of that story because I lost track of her the last years of her life. Until I went to her funeral, and the pastor told that story. Told about the day her husband was baptized in that church, and told the story of how she had prayed for him all those years because he had already passed away. And, so, there's hope.
I know, probably, people are going, "Oh, my gosh, 43 years, are you kidding me?" I get it. But every time I saw her, she always had a smile on her face. She always had joy in her heart. She always put God first, and she lived a life of obedience. And I think she had joy in her life, and she prayed for her husband. So there's hope, there's always hope.
Lindsay: Yeah, that's really good. And this reminds me, actually, of when you interviewed Laura Doyle a while back, a few months ago, and she said something to the effect that miserable people can't have a happy marriage.
Your spouse can't make you happy. So if you're not happy you won't have a happy marriage, and that's true for everyone. So that goes in this context, there's a lot going on in this conversation. But one piece of it is if you're not happy, your spouse's faith wouldn't be the key that makes you happy either.
Dr. Kim: It's so good.
Lindsay: We have to find joy and choose joy inside of ourselves, and look to God for that and do the steps that it takes to have a healthy perspective. Because it's not accurate or realistic to think that if our spouse was equally yoked, that suddenly we would be so joyful.
Dr. Kim: Exactly.
Lindsay: So, I think, that's good encouragement. Thank you.
Dr. Kim: Sure.
Lindsay: Well, do you have any final pieces of advice to wrap up this conversation?
Dr. Kim: Well, a couple of things I thought of, if you're in that situation, let us know, we would love to pray for you. As a ministry, we would love to do that. And, I think, wherever you are on in it, if you're resentful or whatever, don't get stuck there.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: You may need to go to a Christian counselor or a pastor that you really and feel like will help. But take care of yourself. Be who God created you to be, entrust your spouse to God. The Holy Spirit does amazing things, so don't get in His way.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm, that's good. That's really good encouragement. Good advice. Well, this has been a helpful conversation on how to have hope even if you are unequally yoked. I hope it's been encouraging to you and I hope that you hear God speaking to you through this conversation.
Make sure to share it with a friend if you know someone who needs to hear this encouragement today. And to close today's podcast, we have fun new feature, we are going to answer an audience question that was asked anonymously, we don't know who asked this.
But, Dr. Kim, we have an audience question for you.
Dr. Kim: Great.
Lindsay: You ready?
Dr. Kim: Yep.
Lindsay: All right, best advice for your first year of marriage?
Dr. Kim: Oh, wow, this is what I've learned after the first year, not what I did the first year. Okay, let's just get that out there.
Lindsay: Right.
Dr. Kim: We talk a lot, it's just, probably, the basics in a lot of ways. Pray together, no matter how you do that, if it's silent prayer make sure you're praying together and for your marriage.
Find a good church home, a place where you're both comfortable. A church that talks about Jesus, and then find a small group of people that are in your station in life that can walk through things with you.
There's a lot of commonality in the things that we face in that first year of marriage. I would say choose your battles well, and that means you got to let go of some things that just need to be let go of.
Learn to listen well to each other, and just realize that building a marriage is a process. Nancy and I didn't get to worry our today in year one. I don't know how many years it took us. If you get stuck go to counseling quick. There are so many couples I've seen that are in 5, 10, 15 years of marriage, that if they were to come in, and was having the same problems they had in year one.
If they would've done it would've made such a difference for them. And the other thing, with all the heavy stuff we talk about, have fun. Marriage is such a gift and a blessing. You had fun before you got married or you wouldn't have got married, that's my theory.
So have fun. Enjoy each other and enjoy the blessing that God has given you. Lindsay said, marriage is not always easy, there's some hard parts. But the overall rewards, next to our relationship with Jesus, there's nothing like it.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm, man, I wish I'd asked you that question 19 years ago. My 19th anniversary is coming up and I, really, needed all of that advice.
Dr. Kim: I wish I had known it back then. At 20 years old, you're just 20 years old, and that's nothing in 20-year-olds listening.
Lindsay: Absolutely.
Dr. Kim: But I just know that I've grown a lot since then.
Lindsay: Yes, well, I hope somebody listens to that today. Share that clip with all of your engaged and newly-wed friends because that will save you a lot of heartache and a lot of trouble.
Dr. Kim: Yeah.
Lindsay: Oh, my gosh. That's great. That's really good. Well, thanks for tuning in today, we're so glad to have you here. We're so glad you took the time to listen.
Dr. Kim: Well, if you enjoyed today's episode, just take a minute to give us a rating, a review. There's a link in the show notes, you can leave an iTunes review, that's one of the best ways to help the show even more visible. So more people can find it, they haven't found it yet.
There's a lot of marriage content there. We're passionate about helping bring God's purpose for marriage to the podcast. So help us make that happen by just sharing it, it means so much to me, and to Lindsay, and to our team.
Lindsay: All right, well, make sure you're following us on Instagram, and Facebook, and find Dr. Kim on TikTok because of lots of fun things going on over there. From date night ideas to marriage tips, to fun couples' challenges, and memes, and we'll make sure all those links are in the show notes.
Thank you for listening and for sharing your time with us today. Have a great day and do something awesome for your marriage today.
[00:35:17] < Music >
Announcer: Thanks for listening to The Awesome Marriage podcast. This podcast is brought to you by the Ministry of Awesome Marriage and produced by Lindsay Few with music by Noah Copeland.
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[00:35:54] < Outro >