How Make Love a Verb In Your Marriage | Ep. 543
[00:00:00] < Intro >
Lindsay: Welcome to The Awesome Marriage Podcast. A place for honest conversations and practical advice on how to build an awesome marriage. I am your podcast producer and co-host, Lindsay Few. On the show will be our host, Dr. Kim Kimberling. Dr. Kim is a marriage counselor and has been married for over 50 years. His passion is to help you strengthen your most intimate relationship.
Today on The Awesome Marriage Podcast, we are talking about how to put love in action, in your marriage. It's safe to assume you love your spouse, even if they drive you crazy sometimes. But how well do you put your love into action, in a way that speaks to them?
Today, we'll give some practical ways to do this in your everyday life. So, Dr. Kim, it's Valentine's Day, and this is the time that a lot of us think about demonstrating love. But why do we need to make love a verb in our marriage? Why isn't it enough to say, "I love you?"
Dr. Kim: Well, I do think love is an action word. And, so, if I tell Nancy that I love her, but my actions tell a different story, what is she going to believe? She's going to believe my actions. If I'm sitting there telling her I love her. But then I'm just being grumpy, or I'm being unkind, or I'm not paying attention to her, I'm not listening to her. She's going to believe what she sees because that's going to give the emotion to her.
And, so, if I tell her I love her. I need to back that up with the way I treat her, the way I talk to her, what I do for her, all those kinds of things. And I'm never going to be perfect, but as best I can to not only tell her I love her but to show her I love her.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm. Yes, I think that's a really good point because our words are expressed like our best intent, but our actions, you can't really fake those.
Dr. Kim: No, and just in basic communication, we know that our actual words really are only 7% of the message. And the rest of it is our tone of voice and our body language. When I have a couple come into counseling and one will say, "You said this." And the other one says, "I won't, I didn't say it." "Yes, you did."
Well, it's probably because everything either matched up or didn't match up. And, so, what the person said, those words might not have been heard by their spouse because of the body language, because of the tone of voice.
And, so, we have to realize how important all those are. And if our spouse is really going to believe when we say, "I love you" all that's got to match up.
Lindsay: Yes, totally, and that's just talking about the conversational side. I mean, I love that stat about the 7%, that is a wild number. That's how low that is of the actual words. But then outside of the conversation or outside of talking, everything else we're doing is communicating something as well.
Dr. Kim: Yes, and that's such a good point, that we don't have to be speaking something to communicate. If I tell Nancy I love her in the morning, and the rest of the day I don't say anything to her. But it's like I'm being selfish or whatever. At the end of the day, is she going to feel the love? Nope. Just because I said it at the first of the day, probably not.
Lindsay: Yes, and then if you come home and you're ready to get cozy. It might not be the warmest reaction that you wanted to have.
Dr. Kim: Right, exactly.
Lindsay: Well, so if a listener wants to get started with making love an action word. Where would you say to start?
Dr. Kim: I always go back to the Love Languages, but I really think it's just because it works. And I've seen it with just every couple I've ever worked with. That when they figure out their spouse's main love language or top two love languages, they start loving them in that way, things are better.
And, so, know what your spouse's love language is, and then how do they best receive that? And the expert on that is your spouse and, so, it's conversations. And, so, Nancy's is quality time and physical touch.
So if I consistently tell her I love her, but I'm not spending time with her, she may not feel as loved. And there I'm not really doing anything overt. I'm not being mean, I'm not being unkind or something, but because it's her love language, she needs me spending that time with her. She needs me to be focused when I'm with her, those kinds of things.
And, so, with physical touch; if I never rub her back, or hold her hand, or cuddle with her, she's not going to feel as loved because those are the ways that she really feels connected and loved. And, so, you start with the love language and figure out your spouse, how do they best receive this?
If it is quality time, well, what does that mean to your spouse? Because it might mean a little bit different to you than it does to your spouse. And if it's physical touch; what does that mean to her or to him?
And, so, how do I best do that? And then you start doing those things, and those are going to be ways you can show love every single day to your spouse. In a way that they're going to feel loved.
Lindsay: Yes, I think that's such a good point because a lot of this stuff... What you said is you might not be demonstrating love. You're not doing something mean, you're just not really taking that step to be intentional about what's going to communicate to them.
And, so, yes, it's not just we want to avoid doing bad stuff, we also want to be intentional to do this stuff that's building in that love. And, so, if a listener doesn't know what their spouse would like. You've mentioned this, but what do they need to do if they just don't know the spouse's love language, or what they like, or don't like?
Dr. Kim: Well, it goes back to you do need to ask them and, hopefully, they'll tell you. If they don't tell you, then you got a little different problem because, "Okay, why don't you want me to love you?" So, hopefully, they'll be able to do that.
So if you're the wife, and because women are usually more relational than their husbands, you may have to probe a little more with him. You may have to ask some questions, or you may say, "Okay, we did the love languages book. We know your love language is, say, Words of Affirmation. How do you best receive that? And they may give you a blank stare, so maybe you give them a couple of suggestions.
Well, when I know that you're doing a good job at work and everything, I compliment you for that. Does that help? If you're down on the floor playing with the kids. And that just warms my heart and I say, "You're such a good dad." Give him some examples so you can get a feel of what's going to really work for them.
One of the things that I do, this year, that I'm really trying to make a habit, is to ask Nancy every day what she needs from me. And, so, I can ask her, "What do I do that makes you feel loved?"
"Is there anything you'd like me to do to make you feel more loved?" Just some of those questions, and I think for the spouse is to give them feedback.
If Nancy does something that really makes me feel loved. It really helps her, if I tell her. I say, "Gosh, that really made me feel loved. Thank you for doing that." Because that gives her feedback. And, so, then, she knows, "This is something I know really helps him feel loved."
And, so, the ideal thing, obviously, is to be working on it together and to learn about yourself. I mean, you'll find out some things about yourself and about your spouse in this process, which is cool and fun, too. But I think just being consistent with it, and persevering in it, all those things really help.
Lindsay: Yes, that's so good. And I'm so glad you brought up just keeping that conversation open and checking in. Because I think that when I was early in marriage, we thought we should just know this stuff without having to ask. And I didn't even realize it at that time, but I was raised in a household with pretty intuitive communication, intuitive parents.
And we would all just be on the lookout for those hints or whatever, and not really communicate clearly. And if you bring that into the marriage, you're probably going to not get the results you want because that's not everyone's way of operating.
And, so, then, you have stuff like you might have other people you've seen that seem to not have to talk about things or whatever. And that's not a realistic expectation in marriage. And, so, it's really important that you bring that up.
But also within the love languages, to define, "Okay, so if your love language is acts of service, what does that mean to you? Is it taking out the trash or is it something totally different, maybe bringing you coffee?" I think you really have to get that specific because what we perceive as the application of the love language might not be what our spouse would receive as showing that love language.
Dr. Kim: Yes, and one thing that I've been seeing from couples lately, and I've begun to see it in us a little bit. It's sometimes I think over the course of a marriage; your love languages might change a little bit. That may not mean the one that you thought going into it is not still important, but something else may have been important.
When we first got married, Nancy would not have said one of hers is physical touch. She came from a home that they just didn't touch much. They didn't hold hands, they didn't hug a lot, those kinds of things.
And, so, I came from a real touchy family. A lot of hugging, and a lot of connection that way. And, so, sometimes, Nancy, I'd hold her hand and I could just tell it was hard for her. And maybe if she makes it a minute, that was a big deal and then she'd let go.
Well, over the course of our marriage, now, she would say that physical touch is one of her love languages. Because she has learned to get past her family of origin stuff and really embrace that and enjoy that, to where that's become a way that she really feels loved. If I'm able to, she loves me to rub her back and things like that.
And, so, again, defining that and asking her, "Okay, if the physical touch has only become important to you. What makes you feel the most love? What physical touch do you enjoy the much? Is it holding hands? Is it rubbing your back? Is it cuddling? Is it sitting next to each other? How does that play out?"
And then it gives you so much information, as a spouse, to do those things. And really it's not very hard. You just begin to make those things your habit. Every day, "How do I meet her love language?"
"How do I meet his love language?"
"What do I do to reinforce that?"
And if you do that, consistently, you're going to see a difference for sure.
Lindsay: Oh, yes, that's so good. In our marriage we learned, so Brian's big words of affirmation and I am not, that's not a big one for me. And, so, learning to do that, when I would start trying to put that into our relationship, something was off. It wasn't communicating. He still didn't feel those words of affirmation coming through.
And, so, we had to go back and go, "What's happening here?" Because I think I'm doing this but you're not receiving it." And it turned out just be timing, it was just a timing issue. It needs to be said not in passing but more with intentionality.
And that was just something that I felt I was making this effort to like, "Okay, I'm going to look for opportunities. I'm going to really take them and affirm these things. And then why isn't it connecting?" And it's so important and so helpful when you just learn that one small tweak to go, "Oh, that's all it took, it was just a little adjustment."
Dr. Kim: That's such a good point, Lindsay. And, so, if you identify that and you're doing what you think, and it doesn't work, then, don't keep doing the same thing that's not working because their love language is words of affirmation. Like you guys did, talk about it, "Okay timing is a big deal."
"Okay, now, I know that. Now I can do that in a way that's going to make him feel loved."
So that's a great example.
Lindsay: Mh-hmm, I love all those practical examples. And one other thing I think of is when you talked about the changing love languages. One of mine not used to be gifts, and I feel now it is. And, so, Brian was like, "Oh, man, what are we going to do with the budget?"
Dr. Kim: Your love language is going to break us.
Lindsay: Yes, exactly. For me, I think of gifts as maybe a cup of coffee, or maybe a chocolate bar that I love. Just very small things, it's really just the thought. But it's having that small, tangible thing, that was a change of love language, but also is not, "Oh, yes, I'm going to need some jewelry every week." It's not that at all. It was just very small things. And if we hadn't talked about that, that could have been very stressful.
Dr. Kim: Yes, you better get a side job, Brian, this is going to be expensive. funny. Last week Nancy and I were talking about love languages and she looked at me, seriously, and she goes, "I think I have all of them now."
And I go, "Oh, good, this is going to be great. What am I going to do?"
Lindsay: Oh, that's amazing. She's perfect now she's got them all.
Dr. Kim: Yes.
Lindsay: We have a resource called "Love Cans" which is just an easy way to put in writing some simple things. That your spouse can do that really connects with you and make you feel loved. So we'll put all of those links in the show notes. Because they're really practical, simple ways to go ahead and take some action on this, in a way that your spouse will receive.
Dr. Kim: That's so great. Great resources.
[00:13:26] < Music >
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[00:14:36] < Music >
Lindsay: So what if a listener has tried to do some things to show love, but they have not been well-received. What do they do?
Dr. Kim: Well, don't give up because you do want your spouse to feel love, that's going to do great things for your marriage. So there may be barriers there that you don't know about. I would say persevere. Maybe it would be helpful to involve a third person and go to counseling. Why can't your spouse receive that?
Is it something from family of origin?
Is it something that they're holding against you or is it something that is an issue, maybe they don't feel worthy. Maybe they've never expressed that.
And, so, it's hard for them to receive that. And, so, my counsel on that would be to not give up, persevere, and take whatever steps are necessary to resolve that. Because you want to be able to do the things that your spouse enjoys and receives. And maybe it's just that you're hitting the wrong buttons. Again, that goes back to communication. "Okay, let's do it this way." And finding out what the barriers are. How do we knock these barriers down?
Lindsay: Hmm, yes, that's really good. That's so important because, I think, it's easy if you feel like you've been burned to just say, "Well, I tried and it didn't work, I'm done. That didn't go well."
Dr. Kim: And I get it, and some of us are sensitive. And, so, we take it as rejection and we just back off. "Well, I'm not going to be rejected anymore." But in a marriage it's different. This isn't somebody at work that you can say, "Hey, I'm just drawing the boundary here. I'll do my work, but I'm just not going to engage with that person." This is the person you've committed to living the rest of your life with. So you got to work it out and you got to figure it out. Especially, if you guys really want the marriage God has for you.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm, yes, it's really easy to shut down in those places. But, I think, in the first half of this conversation, we've talked about some great ways to go ahead and keep working through that. And not to get stuck on those potential past slipups, and that would be my encouragement.
I have a really embarrassing story of Valentine's Day with Brian, where he knew that sometimes I don't like things that seem cookie-cutter or seem like everyone has done it. So he didn't get me any roses on Valentine's Day. And that was fine, I wasn't expecting anything. Well, the next day he shows up with a dozen yellow roses that, to me, I'm like, "This looks like something you take to the hospital."
And, so, I'm like, "You got me discount roses that look like hospital roses." I didn't say that, necessarily, but I was not very receptive or responsive. And he was thinking, "Well, I knew I'd get you something a little different, a little bit original."
And it was such a miscommunication. And I don't think he even brought me flowers, for quite a while after that, because it was not a very good response. But we did talk it through, eventually, and it was just one of those moments where he pictured coming in like, "Here, I got you something that's just special like you." And it was not a pretty picture.
Dr. Kim: I mean, he's going to be prince charming and it's like no. That didn't work.
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: So since you're a lady, and I don't know the answer to this. What's the difference for different colors of roses? Is there significance for yellow, white, pink, red, or is it just what a woman likes?
I've always shied away from yellow and I don't know why because I think they're pretty. But I've never, for some reason, in my mind it's the same thing. That it's just-
Lindsay: I thought, "Okay, this looks like a hospital or what you’d give your mother." But, I think, ideally, we probably all have our favorite flower. We probably have our favorite color. And I think that every husband, probably, just needs to ask because I don't think that, I don't know if there are any safe assumptions there. I think the best thing is knowing that your husband wants to know your specific favorites. I think that is what matters, and then he remembers.
Dr. Kim: Very good. I agree, because if there's a system there, I haven't found it anywhere. And, obviously, Brian hadn't either.
Lindsay: He had not. I think there's an actual code somewhere, but I don't know if anyone knows it like an old-timey pictorial chart. Well, so these are all really great tips to being active about our love. But what about actually saying the words, "I love you" is that also important?
Dr. Kim: It is. I mean, I like to hear it. I think Nancy likes to hear it. And, honestly, I don't think we say it a lot. I mean, I think, some of it is out of habit now, but I think there's truth to it and there's emotion to it, even with that. I don't think we can ever hear those words enough. I think we were made for love. We know that God is love.
Now, for that to really penetrate it goes back to what we talked about earlier, that our actions and all those kind of things have to match up. But I know couples that don't ever say, "I love you". And maybe that works for them.
It probably wouldn't work for me and I don't think it'd work for us because that's just a really important thing. It's just an affirmation, I guess, for us of what it is. And even saying it when things are not the best, it's like, "I may not like you right now, but I still love you. And we'll work on the part that's keeping me from liking you." So I think there's a lot of value in it, that's my experience with it. And I see couples that say it consistently, I would say those couples, there's just something special about them.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm, yes, it's valuable.
Dr. Kim: What are your thoughts?
Lindsay: Yes, I think it's valuable. I think that these things all go into marriage because nothing stands alone. It's all part of this ongoing, continual relationship. And, so, we can look for any way we can to build into that, and I think that's a great thing to do.
Dr. Kim: I agree. Now, if you're just saying it for a checklist... There should be some sincerity behind it to really be received, to really make a difference.
Lindsay: Mh-hmm, yes, and that does come through.
Dr. Kim: Yes, and I think you just got to go to, "God help me to love her or him more. What am I missing here?" And just let God guide you on that because Jesus showed us love, when He was here, in powerful ways of how He cared for people. Cared for them enough to do good things for them, to confront them, to lead them into something better. And, so, how do we love? And God has all those answers for us.
Lindsay: Yes, absolutely, and His love, too. It's not a romantic, nice, warm, fuzzy feelings of love. It's a lot deeper than that. There's care, there's looking out for each other.
And, so, in those moments where, like you said, it's not in the best moment. That's where we can go a little deeper and say, "Okay, God, you love me perfectly, you love my spouse perfectly. Help me to have your unconditional love for them, not just the good feelings love."
Dr. Kim: Absolutely, that's good.
Lindsay: So we had a listener who, recently, wrote in and asked why her husband would not say, "I love you." She said that in several years of marriage, he's only said it one or two times. So why would a spouse be that reluctant to say the words?
Dr. Kim: Well, I do think the family of origin plays a big part in that. And if you came from a home where it never really was said, and you really didn't hear your parents say it. Probably didn't value it in the way that someone grew up, in my home, we said it all the time. And I think that it was something that was a little harder for Nancy because it was said but not in the same way or as much as my home.
And, so, as we grew our love, it became much easier for that to be a part of our daily talking. So maybe because of that, someone feels like they don't really need to hear it. And, so, they assume their spouse doesn't either.
And, so, sometimes it's a communication thing, of not really knowing how important that could be to your spouse or what it could be like if you began to do that, even if you didn't grow up with that.
And so, for some people, I think, they're hard words to get out. I mean, I don't remember exactly how it happened. But I remember leading up to telling Nancy I loved her for the first time when we were in college. It was like I opened my mouth a bunch of times [Inaudible 00:23:34] came out. It wasn't that easy to say then, certainly, not like it is now.
And, so, if someone grew up without saying that, and it just may be a little awkward for them. One, ask them, "Is there a barrier there? Is there something that we can work on?" And maybe help them by saying, "Hey". Start where they're comfortable.
If it's really hard for them to get those words out because of whatever. Maybe you do a hand sign, to start out with, and work towards the verbal part of it.
But some way that you can figure out how do we communicate, in a way that whether it's a signal or the words, and then how do we back that up with the way we live our life.
Lindsay: Yes, that's so good. So it's all about just taking some steps forward wherever you are.
Dr. Kim: Yes.
Lindsay: That's so good.
Dr. Kim: Yes, and I don't want somebody to feel bad because I say that we say it all the time, that works for us. But what works for you guys and what is important? And I've had a couple of people tell me this over the years.
I think I first heard it as really kind of a joke where the guy said, "I told you I loved you on our wedding day, and if it changes, I'll tell you." And, so, okay, very practical. But I would guess that that person's wife would like to hear it.
Lindsay: Yes, I mean, that just sounds like a comic strip, really, it doesn't sound like-
Dr. Kim: Yes, exactly. But I've worked with people that maybe didn't verbalize it, but it was kind of their philosophy.
Lindsay: Yes, well, and that's why I am glad we're talking about this topic, today.
Dr. Kim: Yes, get it on the table and talk about it.
Lindsay: Exactly. So do you have any advice for this spouse who has good ideas, but just doesn't act on them?
Dr. Kim: Well, if we're working with somebody in counseling and they're talking about that. I would say, "Is that helping your marriage? To have these ideas and not acting them." I heard somebody talk, one time, I can't remember who it was. But they talked about all the great ideas that people had had over the years that never got past their mind. They never got verbalized, and they never got acted upon.
And our pastor said something in a message, a few years ago, and it really stuck with me, and he was talking about a marriage deal. And he says, "If you think something good about your spouse, say it." And sometimes we don't, and we need to say those things.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And if we have an idea of that like, "Oh, man, I know this would make Nancy feel loved." And I'm just lazy or I just don't put the effort in, or not intentional, I don't do it. Well, I think, I've missed an opportunity to show her love in a way that I think she would really receive it well.
And, so, following through is important. If there's a barrier there that's keeping you from doing it, figure it out. If you have to go to counseling, you don't have to go. If you go to counseling, a counselor can help you figure it out.
But those good ideas about what will make your marriage better and what will make your spouse more loved, if they never get out of your head, then, you might as well not even have them, really.
Lindsay: Yes, and it's like you're not having the same relationship that you want to be having in your mind. Because if have the ideas, it's something you're thinking about and something you're entertaining. If you're not sharing that, then they don't even know, and they'll never know.
Dr. Kim: Yes, exactly. And I've been guilty of that before, too. I've thought of something and then I get distracted, I don't do it. And maybe it was just a one, not a lifetime, but the moment had passed. When that would really have been a good thing to do. And then later I think, "Why didn't I do that?" And just trying to be more responsive when I have those thoughts and to act on them.
Lindsay: Yes, I think it's easy to just think we'll have a million opportunities in marriage, because it can be so easy to take a spouse for granted because they're around. But that's not the case, I mean, you never get that opportunity again. That same one.
Dr. Kim: Right, exactly.
Lindsay: I'm curious about this, taking it into the practical, as we talk about just making these things happen. Are there any favorite things Nancy has done for you that made you feel loved?
Dr. Kim: One thing that Nancy did, from the very first date we had, she has so much gratitude. She says, "Thank you." She still says thank you for things that I do, that I think I don't deserve a thank you for that. I mean, she says thank you all the time.
And, so, I love that about her and it's made me think about that. And I think I said a lot more to her, and to others than I used to in the past. Just because I realized that's a really nice thing to say.
And, so, it made me feel cared for and appreciated. Maybe more in the early stages of our marriage, appreciated. But now it's just that she notices every little thing that I do and she thanks me for it, and that's just really special, that's just part of who she is.
She also is really good about knowing what I need and then doing it. And some of that is because of being married as long as we have, and we know each other better. And we know a lot of what works in doesn't work, we're still learning. But, sometimes, she just seems to know what I need.
The time that always just stood out, to me, is when my dad passed, and my dad was so close to me. And I remember that afternoon, we'd been to the funeral home or something.
And I just came back and I lay in the bed, and there was just this grief that was coming over me. And all she did was, she laid beside me and put her arm around me until I got up.
She knew that I just needed her to be there. I didn't need her to say anything. I didn't need her to do anything special. I just needed her to be there. And the more we can be intuitive, empathetic, with our spouse, I think, that really makes them feel loved.
And then she does other things, I mean, she knows my favorite meals. We laugh together a lot and the fact that we can laugh together, that we have our own private jokes like most couples do, those draw us together. Now that she enjoys touch more, that helps a lot, we hold hands more. We do things like that.
And another thing is that being a counselor, you would think it would be real easy for me to just talk about everything but it's not always. She has a real ability to know if something's bothering me. And she has a great way of drawing things out of me.
She's persistent, in a loving way, and she just won't let me off the hook. So I know, "Okay, once we start that conversation she's going to get it out, so the sooner the better." But it's the things that I need and it helps me to get that out.
And, so, anyway, those are the things that came to mind to start with. But you want your spouse to be able to say those things about you. That, "My spouse does things that make me feel loved." And, so, it's learning about what makes them feel loved and being consistent in doing it.
Lindsay: Yes, I love that you shared those, too. And that's why I wanted to hear them because I had the feeling it was going to be small things, not, grand gestures, not huge things. A lot of little things are the things. One thing I love that makes me feel really loved is acts of service is one of my love languages. But it could be what serves me on a different day might be very different.
And, so, when Brian asks the question, "How can I help you, today?" That just makes me feel loved because it's not like, "Oh, I have to do this chore for you." It's not something like that, but it's just a little bit of empathy that helps. And it's really those small things, done over time, that bring that feeling, I really like that.
Dr. Kim: Yes, I love that. So if Brian asks you, "What can he do to help you?" I mean, yes, he's showing caring and, then, you're able to know that he's showed that he cared about you. He's not doing it like he has to. And it's so different than if you ask him to do something and he goes, "Argh, ah, I will do it." And then he does it. I mean, on both things he does it.
But what a difference in how it makes you feel, of whether he's asking, initiating, and you say, "Yes, I'd love for you to do this." And he does it. As opposed to you asking him and he grumbles through it. And you think, "Well, he did it, but I don't know if I'll ask him anymore. I don't want to hear that grumble."
Lindsay: Yes, for sure.
Dr. Kim: Same end result, but a lot of different feelings and emotions that go along with it.
Lindsay: Completely different, yes, that makes such a huge difference. And another thing, I mean, just speaking from a woman's perspective. I don't think this is a love language, but just when he engages with our kids that makes me feel so close to him.
It's interesting because I don't know what you call that. I feel like that's a love language of its own for a parent, specifically, for a mom. But there's something about that engagement that makes me feel closer. And I wish I'd been able to put that into words better when we were earlier in parenting, but now I can. And, so, it just helps to see that when there's this intentional, chosen interaction and engagement that just makes me feel so warm and fuzzy.
Dr. Kim: I've heard that from so many moms, and I don't really know why. Maybe it's just the way God wired us but, I think, that's also something that every wife desires. They want their husband to be involved with the kids. They want their husband to take that initiative and enjoy the kids.
And when I would play, on the floor, with the kids, I can just tell if Nancy was just sitting there, she just had a smile on her face because she loved seeing those things. And, so, that makes total sense, absolutely.
Lindsay: Yes, I wish there was a better name for it. Because I wish I'd heard it talked about earlier but there is something about that. And wherever they are, wherever the kids are, I love that the dad is going to bring something totally different to it than the mom would.
And, so, if he's interacting in a totally different way, that's cool, too. I'm not going to wrestle with the boys, in the same way, Brian does and I love that for them. I'm not going to get involved, do your thing, guys, but it's just really sweet.
Dr. Kim: Well, and you said it, it pays off. Both husband and wife, mom and dad, have to connect through the kids in those early years. So that it's easier to connect in the tough years when they come, the middle school and high school years.
Lindsay: Yes, tell me about it.
Dr. Kim: And if you just don't lay that groundwork then. It's a lot easier to lay it when they're four, five, six, seven years old, than it is when they're 13, 14, 15, 16. The groundwork needs to be laid. That doesn't mean you can't do it when they get that age, but certainly is a lot easier the sooner you do it, and you keep that connection.
I was talking to a mom, not too long ago. She and her husband both have a great relationship with their kids. They're very open with them. They respond well, they listen to their kids when they say something, even if it's hard to hear them say it, and they don't overreact.
And I just said, "If you guys keep that up, the teenage years, for your kids and you, are going to be a lot easier. Not going to be perfect, but they're going to be a lot easier because you've established that communication and that relationship."
Lindsay: Yes, that's so good. Well, that reminds me of where we started with this. Where saying the words "I love you" it's not just the words, it's the context. And what we're hitting on here is some relational context between two spouses.
The things that are going on around us, with our kids or whatever, other relationships, are going to impact, they're going to play into how we are experiencing each other. And, so, I think, that's just a huge part of what might influence where we're coming from on any given day with each other.
Dr. Kim: Yes, I agree.
Lindsay: So, Dr. Kim, this has been a really helpful conversation and encouraging. Do you have any final piece of advice for our listeners?
Dr. Kim: Well, the main thing I would hope people get out of that is to see the love really is a verb. It really is an action word. And, so, each day, if you just take the time to say, "How can I show love to my spouse?"
"How can I help my spouse feel loved?" Most of the time it doesn't take that much time or that much effort. I mean, sometimes it might if something different comes to your mind. But if you do that intentionally, every day, it is amazing what you will see in your spouse.
Lindsay: Mh-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And if your spouse doesn't respond right off, just keep doing it. Just keep showing love to them, eventually, it'll break through.
Lindsay: Yes, that's so good. I think so, too. That's really encouraging place to land, for today. And, today, since we asked our anonymous question in the middle of the episode, that'll cover our anonymous question for today. But I will make sure we have links to our Love Cans in the show notes. So make sure you check wherever you're listening to the podcast for those notes.
We also have a podcast email list, and that's where we put all the resources, as well as application questions for every episode. And all of the other bonus content that we might mention, or might think would be just helpful for you. We'll put in Scripture quotes, and different stuff as it's helpful. So look in the show notes and find the link to sign up for that today.
As always, you can reach out to us at info@awesomemarriage.com with any questions or comments. We love hearing from you and answering any questions, so feel free to do that. Thanks for listening and sharing your time with us, today. Have a great day and do something awesome for your marriage today.
[00:37:49] < Outro >
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