Boundaries In Marriage: What They Are and Why They Are Important | Ep. 544
[00:00:00] < Intro >
Lindsay: Welcome to The Awesome Marriage Podcast. A place for honest conversations and practical advice on how to build an awesome marriage. I am your podcast producer and co-host, Lindsay Few. On the show will be our host, Dr. Kim Kimberling. Dr. Kim is a marriage counselor and has been married for over 50 years. His passion is to help you strengthen your most intimate relationship.
Today on the podcast, we're kicking off a series about Boundaries and Marriage. What they are, what they are not, and why they are essential in a healthy marriage. This series is going to be full of practical applications and boundaries can take practice to do well.
So if you have not already, subscribe to our podcast email so that you will get the bonus content that comes with each episode. We write application questions for every single episode, to make the content more actionable and accessible.
So the link to sign up for the podcast emails is in our show notes, wherever you're listening. And we do have a bonus resource when you sign up. So check that out today if you haven't already. So, Dr. Kim, what are boundaries?
Dr. Kim: I think it's a great question and really a lot of times we don't really know. We set out boundaries that maybe isn't a boundary, it's another punishment for our spouse. So I was looking for a definition. I always like what Cloud and Townsend do.
A lady named Sharon Martin gave this, and I really like this, "A boundary is an imaginary line that separates me from you. It separates your physical space, your feelings, needs, and responsibilities from others. Your boundaries also tell other people how they can treat you – what's acceptable and what isn't. Without boundaries, people may take advantage of you because you haven’t set limits about how you expect to be treated. "
And, in essence, that really it is this imaginary line. It's to help both you and the other person. It's to help someone in a marriage know, "Is there something that bothers you, or upsets you, or something I do. Do you not feel safe with me?"
And, so, it helps in just in the communication and I'm growing our marriage. In a marriage it's two individuals, and then you come together and you connect, in what God says, "The two become one."
And, so, the healthier you are together; and that means probably having good boundaries, understanding each other. Understanding the boundaries and why they're there, and why they're needed, really helps you in that process of two becoming one.
Lindsay: Hmm, yes, that's a great definition. It makes me really glad that we're going to be talking this all out. Because there are so many ways that we can practice this.
And some of us are probably doing it already and some of us are probably not doing it at all. But on the basic level they help us to take personal responsibility and to grow. And, so, I think, it's a great tool to grow a marriage. So right off the bat, let's go ahead and give some signs of what boundaries are not.
Dr. Kim: Well, one thing boundaries aren't set in stone. I just think you just don't come up with a boundary, sometimes, it's because of the situation. Or the time in the marriage, or those kind of things that can be a part of it. And they're not really about what's right or wrong.
I think about where we get messed up in marriage, sometimes. I've worked with people and they're trying to set a boundary with a coworker, or they're trying to set a boundary with an in-law. But those are different relationships. And what you may need to do on those because a boundary to marriage cannot be something that's bad for the marriage. It's got to be something that is good for the marriage. Something that is going to grow the marriage.
So they're not about right or wrong. Some people think boundaries are selfish and people can use boundaries to be selfish. I mean, that is an unhealthy way. Selfishness should not have anything to do with that. Really the things in boundaries, in a marriage, is basically about being a servant, having self-control, how to love the other person.
I had a client tell me once that they set some boundaries on their husband and told him, "He could not talk to me in that way anymore." And it did not work. And they said, "What do I do now?"
And I said, "Well, you didn't really set a boundary." I said, "It was an attempt at controlling your husband, which doesn't work. If you just say that, that's just something that is not enforceable. But you could say, instead, "If you speak to me that way I'm going to walk out of the room." In other words, I'm going to make a statement. Just telling somebody that they can't do something, with some people, what's that going to do? It's going to make them do it more, or want to do it, or fight back.
But if the boundary that she set of just saying, "Hey, if you speak to me this way, I'm going to walk out of the room. And then I'll come back and we can talk this through." Well, that's pretty healthy, and it's pretty healthy for the marriage. It's pretty healthy for her. It's healthy for the husband because he's got to learn that he can't speak to his wife that way. And that is something that she is not going to let him do because it's not going to grow your marriage, it's not good.
Lindsay: That's such a great example; I'm glad that you brought that up. Because I think that is maybe one way that boundaries have been misperceived is that you just say, "Here is the thing." With no context, no explanation. And then it leaves it vague and nothing really enforceable. Nothing that you can really act on because she can't control what how he's going to talk to her, but she can control if she stays in the room.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely, yes. Most of us, so we have a backyard and we have it fenced in. Well, that allows us to control what's ours. We can't control what's on the other side of the fence, our neighbor, what our neighbor does, but we protect ourselves. And, so, if someone crosses a boundary we've set for ourselves, we can take control ourselves.
How am I going to respond to that? And not allow ourselves to be controlled, or hurt, or those kind of things. And, so, it's a lot about self-control. "What am I going to do to help make this healthier? And not in a selfish way."
Lindsay: Yes, that's such a good point. And some other ways that I have seen or heard boundaries be misunderstood. They are not to control somebody. They are not a punishment. They are not a tool to try to change someone. They're not punitive; I think that's one of the biggest misconceptions I've seen is that they would be punitive.
Dr. Kim: Yes, and that's where a lot of people come from. We talked a little bit before, sometimes, I've had a wife come in and said, "I just couldn't get him to quit talking to me that way, so I'm withholding sex."
Well, that's not the best way to resolve things. That'll probably cause more problems. And, again, that was more punitive really by her back to him because when we really learn to control ourselves, it's not selfishness. It's a loving thing.
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: When I take control of myself, then, it allows me to love better. And it just helps us grow toward the intimacy that we want in a marriage relationship. And, so, I see boundaries are able to help accomplish that. And if you're doing it punitively, they're never going to accomplish that.
Lindsay: Yes, because it has to be, it's a great point the self-control piece of it. It's going to require self-control from both spouses in a marriage, and that is a healthy thing. Both of us should be self-controlled and should be growing in that so that'll help the marriage. And the boundaries help to say, "Well, here's where my responsibility ends and yours begins because I am required to use self-control and so are you."
Dr. Kim: Yes, I've thought of an example of a couple I met with a couple of years ago. When he came from a culture that was pretty loud in the way they talked. They were just a loud people. And she came from a very soft-spoken deal.
And, so, his talking to her, at times, she would feel like he's yelling when he felt like he was talking normal. And, so, the boundary that came is, "I need you to talk to me softly because I just don't hear you when you talk that way."
And, so, that was something that, and I can't remember what she said. I guess with her there wasn't really "I'm going to walk out of the room or something." There was some way that she was going to remind him that he'd figure it out, but it helped a lot.
And it was something that he did not see was affecting her. Because it was his normal and this was earlier in their marriage. And, so, "That's the way my mom talked to my dad, and that's the way my aunt talked to my uncle. And that's the way my grandparents talk; and what's wrong with you?"
No, you married somebody that's not in your culture; and their culture worked fine, as far as I know. But in this marriage, it didn't. And, so, again a boundary that would say, "Hey, don't talk to me like that; talk to me a soft voice."
Lindsay: Yes, I that's great point. A response of, "What's wrong with you" is not going to really get you where you want to be with this. It's not right or wrong; so if your spouse has something they're bringing up it's because it matters. And, so, it's worth listening to, even if you don't see eye to eye.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely, that's such a good point. Because one thing that I say a lot and I learned it, probably, in the middle part of our marriage. That if something's important to Nancy, I need to make it important to me. Because we have a tendency to say sometimes, "Well, that's stupid."
Or "Why are you thinking that?"
Or "She'll get over that." Or things like that. But, no, if she brings something up that bothers her or that she wants me to do differently, I need to listen to her on that. Because it is important to her or she wouldn't be bringing it up. And if it's important enough to her, then I need to make it important to me, even if I don't get it. Even if it makes no sense at all because it is important to her.
Lindsay: Mh-hmm, yes, that's a such a good way of looking at it. Because it's like the thing we talk about that if you win an argument and your marriage is still losing.
Dr. Kim: Yes.
Lindsay: So it's got to be about both spouses, not just one.
Dr. Kim: Yes, absolutely.
Lindsay: So when we take the concept of boundaries into marriage, you've given us some good examples. But because of the foundation of marriage, being that two become one, it can be harder to understand than other relationships. So let's talk about the distinction between both being one —as we're unified as one flesh in marriage. Yet still having a need to take appropriate personal responsibility.
Dr. Kim: Yes, obviously, I think, sometimes we go into marriage and we think "We're so much alike; nobody couple has ever been as much alike as we are." And then you get into marriage and you think, "What happened."
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: Because we do have differences. We have different wants, and needs, and personalities, and there are so many things that go onto it. And, so, meaning "Two become one" is being able just to accept each other as they are, and embrace that, and use that as a positive, not a negative.
Nancy was never made to complete me, and she really wasn't made to change me. We need to complement each other to grow, to become better of who God created us to be. And to trust God to make the changes, in each one of us, that need to be made.
Because my plan for Nancy's life, God's got a better plan and I just have to trust that. I have a wife I know that prays and she seeks God's will for her life. And when you have a couple, that you're both doing that, then, it's easier to say, "Okay, God, I trust that this changes you're making are for the best for her, and for me, and for our marriage." Those kinds of things.
Lindsay: Yes, that's great point. I mean, putting it back into God's hands is helpful because then where's your allegiance and your submission. It's not like, "Oh, my spouse wants to change me."
It's, "We're both on the path to try to be more like Jesus." And, so, that's going to get you headed in the same direction.
Dr. Kim: Yes, absolutely, the two become one and we want to become one, not just physically but in other areas. Where we are connected at a level that we can't be connected with anyone else, in this life besides Jesus in that way. But it's also gives us freedom to be who God created us to be, too. So, I think, sometimes we get that, "Okay, they're two, but do I lose my identity when two become one?"
No, I don't think that's what God meant at all. It's just that you live a life that because we both have gifts; we both have abilities. It's like a symbiotic relationship and we're both essential to this marriage, to this relationship, but we don't have to be alike.
In fact, I think, if couples were alike they'd get bored to death. I mean, sometimes we think that'd be great, but I think it'd boring. We learn from each other and we grow from each other. And I want to be free to be who God created me to be. And I want Nancy to be free to be who God created her to be. And, yet, in the same time, staying connected, getting the benefits that God wants us to have in marriage.
Lindsay: Oh, I love that. I think that's so good. And if we think about the fact that God has created each of us to reflect Him in some way.
Why would we ever want to dull that down in our spouse or take away from how God has reflected His own character in them? That's terrible, you wouldn't want to do that.
Dr. Kim: No, which you're basically is saying, "God I know better than you do." And that statement in itself is nuts when you think about it. "Really, the creator of the universe, I've got one up on Him."
"Well, no, we don't."
Lindsay: No. And, so, we have different personalities, different wants and needs. We might have different schedules or different workload, and I think all of those can go into boundaries. It's just learning to respect the differences that God has built into us, but also the differences of practically living together. Those all go into how boundaries are essential in marriage.
Dr. Kim: Yes, one of the things that Nancy and I have done, and we do some things really good and sometimes we don't do good. But sometimes we can sit down and we can say, "Okay, what is going on in our marriage right now that's really not healthy? What am I doing that may not be healthy? What are you doing? And we come up with a boundary together.
"Okay, this probably isn't helping our boundary and our marriage and, so, let's set a boundary there. I'm not going to do that and when I do that, I need you to tell me because I may do it unconscious. Or I'm not even thinking about what I'm doing or know it." And, so, I think, a lot of times when you really are working on your marriage together. You can come together and set some boundaries together, that you know are going to be healthy for your marriage.
Lindsay: Yes, that's really good. And I think one way we've got a resource about conflict, working out conflict together. We've got a conflict workbook and a Conflict Cheat Sheet. And one of the things we talk about in those is setting boundaries around your communication in conflict.
And, so, this is something you would do not during the moment of conflict, but together you would set some boundaries. "Okay, we're not going to yell at each other. We're not going to cuss at each other. We're not going to name call."
And, so, you just set simple boundaries like that together for your marriage, and then you make it enforceable. "Okay, if you call me names; I'm walking out the door for 10 minutes we're going to resume after 10 minutes." Whatever it is, and I think that's a common way I've heard of that being enforced.
So I think making those things together makes us more approachable. "Where are some things that we can decide together, to adopt, that will help us both take our appropriate God-given responsibility in this situation?"
Dr. Kim: Absolutely, and going into those conversations that we're doing this for the betterment of our marriage, it can make a huge difference.
Lindsay: Yes, I think so. So this is a wild card, this is going off the script. But I'm just thinking about this marriage difference thing and about two become one. It made me think of, Dr. Kim, this is really goofy.
But it made me think of this super common marriage disagreement that I hear between couples. Which is that for some reason a wife in the kitchen, she just does not want to have her butts smacked but that's all the husband wants to do. I've heard this from every couple, I feel like every couple I've ever known. So it's a goofy argument, but it's real, right?
Dr. Kim: Yes.
Lindsay: So when I think about things like that. Is that something where one spouse needs to be like, "All right, fine, two become one, I don't get to have my preference?" Or is it okay to have a boundary?
Dr. Kim: I think it's okay. I mean, my experience has been, there are times that my wife likes me to slap her butt in the kitchen and there's times that there are not. And I have not a clue what her mood is until after I do it.
Lindsay: Let's get a little test.
Dr. Kim: Yes, and it's whether you can laugh about it. Is it a fun thing or it's just, "This really does bother me?" And, so, if I knew that that really bothered Nancy, then I need to know that. I put a boundary on myself to control myself to not do that, then. Yes, she's pretty much okay with it at home. But if we're walking into Target and I slap her on the butt, well, it doesn't probably have the same effect. It's just not going to be the same.
And I don't know why, as guys, we do that. I mean, I think, as guys, a lot of times, in sports and stuff, now we high-five. But back when I was in sports, a lot of times you would just pat the other guy on the butt. I mean, yes, flat hand, it's not the same way you'd do your spouse. And, so, sometimes, as guys, we have ways of showing our affection for our wife, in ways that do not communicate affection to them.
Lindsay: Sure, yes, that's a great way to put that.
Dr. Kim: Yes.
Lindsay: It's just funny all the little things where you could say like, "Oh, we're one so I can do what I want." But that's just not really going to be the best case, in all cases.
Dr. Kim: No. We had a couple, this is years ago, but Nancy was real close to the woman and they dated. And, so, I ended up doing their marriage and everything. And, so, they'd been married about three or four months and Nancy's got a call from her.
And she said, "I know we went to the pre-marriage class and I know all about submission stuff. But is it okay if he grabs my boob every time he wants to, no matter where we are?"
And Nancy said, "I don't think I have to ask Kim this. No, y'all need to talk about this."
Lindsay: Yes, talk that out. Oh, gosh, that is funny. Some things just seem to come up over and over, and that's one of them, that type of thing.
Dr. Kim: I know, and as guys we're just strange. I mean, there's no other way around it. Why we think some of the things and why we think that my wife is going to love some things that they don't.
Lindsay: It's amazing, to me, God put us together, men and women.
Dr. Kim: Yes.
[00:20:21] < Music >
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[00:21:20] < Music >
Lindsay: Let's talk about some common misconceptions about boundaries.
Dr. Kim: Well, they can't be selfish, we've talked about that. I think they aren't about controlling someone else. They have to be individual to a couple. It's not like you and I could talk a boundary and that one-size is going to fit everybody. And boundaries are not to hurt the relationship. They're to grow and enhance the relationship, especially, in a marriage.
There are some relationships outside of marriage, with people you don't really have a relationship with. That it's more about protecting yourself and not really worrying about the relationship. But in marriage, yes, it's got to grow the relationship. It's got to be a positive thing for both of you in the relationship.
Lindsay: Yes, that's good, I've heard some misconceptions, as well. The idea that boundaries are not biblical or that we should be servant hearted, and put up with anything and everything, and indulge bad behavior. So I think that's a common misconception. And then one that we just talked about, the idea we can do whatever we want since we're married. So I don't think either of those things are true.
Dr. Kim: No, and that's where communication is so good. I mean, where you can say, "Okay, I'd love for you to touch me; but there are some times that it just is not helpful, or it's not good, or it makes me feel whatever." And be able to know that. And, so, then you've got that communication and then you're not saying, "Don't ever touch me." But you're saying, "Right now I'm really more comfortable with these contexts than I am with what you're doing now."
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: I think most people can do that, and then follow through with that.
Lindsay: Yes, that's good. So we've already covered more in detail in our conversation about one-sided marriage boundaries. Why boundaries are biblical. And, so, that takes a little more explanation. I'll link that episode in the show notes so we don't have to re-explain all of that. But they are clearly biblical, and Jesus set boundaries and use to them to not indulge bad behavior or enable it. So we shouldn't either.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely, yes.
Lindsay: Because it's kind of this same thing we've been talking about, this whole episode, that within the marriage it's personal responsibility, self-control, and it's both of us growing and the marriage growing.
Dr. Kim: Yes, I think, it helps when you think about that Jesus set boundaries. When He goes in the temple and wrecks everything. The boundary is - you don't do this in my Father's house. The boundary is - this is not a marketplace. And, so, that one just came to my mind. But there are other examples, probably, all through the Scripture if you really look at them, where Jesus set a boundary.
Lindsay: Mh-hmm, yes. He did not engage with a lot of different people who wanted to engage with Him. And, so, yes, we'll link to that episode where there's a little more explanation. But what are some other common ways that boundaries can be handled poorly?
Dr. Kim: I think sometimes, and these goes back to people's personality. Sometimes people take too much responsibility for the emotions, the actions of others. And, then, on the other hand, there are some people who expect others to take too much responsibility for their own emotions and actions.
So when you get into that; when you're judging, when you're somebody that's just really a good person. That someone can take advantage of you in that, if you're really kind, and sweet, and those kind of things.
And, so, anytime that we are, I guess taking advantage, is the right word, of our spouse. By putting a boundary in that's really not healthy for the marriage but it's selfish for you, that's just not going to work. Or if I'm expecting Nancy to take more responsibility for me, and how I think, and how I feel and, so, I put a boundary in.
Instead of me dealing with those things myself. I'm putting a boundary, "Well, you can't do this or you can't say that, or you need to do this or you need to do that." Then those are unhealthy. That's just all about me, and not about us, and not about the marriage, and not about "How do we make it healthier."
Lindsay: Yes, and that sounds a lot like codependency as well.
Dr. Kim: It does. And, I think, there's a lot of that in there and that is something that is a real problem, with a lot of people in our culture. And a lot of times it is because of family of origin or past relationships, and things like that.
Lindsay: Yes, and I think that's what makes this conversation hard to get into, is if your parents had some codependency, or some enabling, or your other marriage models you saw had that. It's going to be hard not to repeat that, and that's why it's hard to step into this conversation. But once you get started, it can be a little easier to see where you're taking too much responsibility or where things are lopsided.
Dr. Kim: Yes, that's really good. And realizing, as you get older, you've got to evaluate your family of origin. That doesn't mean you separate yourself from your parents or whatever. 99% of the parents do the best job that they can.
Lindsay: Mh-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And their intention is to do a great job as parents. But if there's some unhealthy things that went in there, and that you have accepted and brought into your marriage. That's a time to begin to look at some things and say, "Okay, is this healthy? Is this good for a marriage?"
And sometimes it's just if something worked for your parents, it doesn't mean it's going to work for the two of you. Because you didn't marry your parent, you married this person. And, so, I think, there's some work that has to go into that also.
Lindsay: Yes, absolutely, that's a really good point. So what can boundaries do for a marriage?
Dr. Kim: Well, it can make relationships much healthier. They can keep a balance between you and your spouse.
They help reduce conflict because they set an example of what you expect of each other. If Nancy tells me the things she expects of me and I tell her, when we follow those. They're reasonable, we've agreed to them, then we're going to have less conflict. And I think boundaries also can bring you closer to each other because you do have open communication as you really get into that.
And, so, it's not like Nancy is telling me what to do. Nancy is telling me what I can do, that she needs me to do to help our marriage be better. And, so, when you get to that point, you really see the value of boundaries and knowing that they're different.
Some people, the boundary is maybe it's like, "I've got to have some alone time, at least once a week." And, so, they set that in place and the other spouse leaves them alone that time, helps that to happen.
Well, that's working together on something because maybe the other spouse doesn't need alone time. They're fine without having alone time. But it's valuing that boundary that your spouse has set because they need that. And then helping your spouse accomplish that, that's really healthy.
Lindsay: Yes, and that's a great illustration, too, of the two becoming one. Because it's caring about the spouse's needs as much as you would care about your own, which is very biblical approach.
Dr. Kim: Yes, definitely.
Lindsay: I think, too, boundaries we know can protect our marriage from both the inside and the outside. So there's internal things, within the marriage. There are external things outside of the marriage. They also allow each spouse to own their own behaviors, and emotions, and choices. And then they can bring a lot of freedom, and joy, and health into the marriage by helping us to take responsibility and do what we need to do to get healthier.
Dr. Kim: Yes, you've made me think of a story, I may have told before. But when we were early in marriage, Nancy and I were the first ones out of both of our groups to get married. And, so, when I was single I had the apartment a little bit before we moved in together, till we got married. And the guys had come over and we'd watch a game together.
Well, we get married and, so, 10 o'clock at night, somebody knocks on the door, and it's one of my buddies with a six-pack of beer and he's saying, "Hey, you want to watch this?" And, so, Nancy let that go a few times and then she just said, "I don't think we can continue to do this. I don't think that's good for us or our marriage." I did, she was right.
And, so, I told my friends that, "Okay, we want to see you guys. But one; you need to call first. And two, if we say no, don't take it personally. It's just that we're working on establishing this marriage."
And, so, that was a boundary that needed to be set. Because I've got one friend that would probably still be knocking on our door, at 10 o'clock, with a six pack of beer.
Lindsay: Oh, my gosh, I love that story, that's so good. That's a good one. So as we talk about boundaries, there's a lot of stuff that they can do for a marriage. What can a boundary not do?
Dr. Kim: It can't change your spouse. I think that's the main thing you've got to realize; a boundary cannot change your spouse. You've set a boundary and you've got to have that relationship or your spouse values that, and they honor the boundary that you set. But a boundary is not going to change your spouse of who they are.
Lindsay: Yes, well, mic-drop moment there because that's just a hard fact that we have to accept in marriage, no changing spouses.
Dr. Kim: No, you can only take care of yourself. And I don't know why that's so hard for us, but I can still fall into that too; "If Nancy would just do this, she really would've a better life. Her life would be so much better if she'd just do what I tell her to think." No.
Lindsay: So kind of you, it's so helpful.
Dr. Kim: Yes, oh yes, it's so good. "I'm a counselor, honey, don't you realize this?" Well, I learned really early on that you cannot counsel your family. When I was doing internship, oh, I was so fired up. It was bad, we'd go out to dinner and I'd be analyzing every other table.
That's kind of a normal thing that some people go through early in their career of counseling. But it definitely did not work when home. And I also needed to learn to talk about other things besides counseling all the time.
Lindsay: Mh-hmm, yes, I could see that. It happens with happens with pastors' wives occasionally, too.
Dr. Kim: Oh, yes, I'm sure.
Lindsay: Well, so there are several different types of boundaries. What are some of the types that can be helpful in marriage?
Dr. Kim: Respecting your spouse, showing respect. Knowing that you're responsible for your own well-being, happiness. Your spouse is not there to complete you or to make you happy. Your choices, your decisions.
There's a book came out years ago and it was, "Happiness Is a Choice." And basically the book is just full of Scriptures that just say, "This is what we do."
"Nobody else can make me happy."
I think that boundaries help us communicate better and clearer. And I think they help in the sexual relationship. I mean, most couples going into marriage have a different idea about that. And if you don't talk about it, it can cause more frustration, maybe some conflict, things like that.
And, so, understanding; this is okay, this is not okay. This is what I'm comfortable with. This is what I'm not comfortable with. This is the frequency that we agree on for this time in our marriage, all those kind of things.
We talk about a lot in our sex seminar, that is coming up. And some other things just to help make that relationship healthier and continue to grow throughout a marriage. So all of those things are really helpful. They're very positive for the marriage. Very pro in making the marriage better.
Lindsay: Yes, those are so good, that's a lot. But that's stuff we're all going to be unpacking, as we continue this series. So that will help to make each of those topics a little more accessible. And also I think of boundaries with this spouse, but also outside. Boundaries together with our family, with our friends, with outside influences. And then also personal boundaries, boundaries of yourself. Things that you will not say or do and behaviors you will not say or do.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely.
Lindsay: So there is a lot of different ways to go with this. But we're going to unpack each of those in a way that I hope makes them really applicable.
Dr. Kim: Yes, you're exactly right. There's so many places that we need to set boundaries outside of our marriage, that help our marriage. And if we don't set them, it can be negative to our marriage, for sure.
Lindsay: Yes, and I bet most of us are doing this already in a lot of ways. But there are probably a couple of pain points we haven't figured out how to do this for. And, so, that's what we're going to try to lean in on. So I don't want anyone to listen today and think they have to go and do some overhaul. But what I do want is to recognize that there is a way to handle these things that are tough.
Dr. Kim: Yes, boundaries are such a huge subject of marriage. I'm so glad we're doing a series on it. Because it allows us to just continue to unpack it, and help it become more applicable, and put a better understanding for people in it. So I hope you'll join us for each one of these episodes ,as well as all of our episodes. But this is a series that's really going to be helpful.
Lindsay: I think so too. And I really do appreciate your real-life stories, real-life examples, from the counseling room because that helps to make it more tangible for us. So your expertise here is super helpful, Dr. Kim.
Dr. Kim: Well, and it also helps people realize they're not the only one that has this problem.
Lindsay: Oh, absolutely.
Lindsay: What I see in counseling, I mean, each couple is individual and unique; and how we approach it is individual and unique related to them. But the problems that we face in marriage are pretty universal, they just are. We're just humans, and we're sinful, and flawed, and not perfect, and unrealistic expectations, we all go through those things.
Lindsay: Yes, that's true and that's encouraging. So this has been a helpful conversation, kicking off our boundary series. Do you have any final piece of advice for our listeners today?
Dr. Kim: Yes, you hit a little bit on what I want to say. It's don't get overwhelmed with this because we covered a lot in this episode, and it's to lay the groundwork for the future, in a lot of ways. But begin to understand boundaries. Maybe this will let you and your spouse sit down, and have that conversation. Maybe ask your spouse to listen to this, too, if they haven't listened to it. And then say, "Let's sit down and talk about what are some things that we would like to see different in our marriage or would make our marriage healthier?"
And then as you work through those, maybe you come up with a couple of boundaries to use as to begin to test, and to learn. I want you to eventually see there is value in having boundaries in our marriage and it makes our marriage go forward, and keeps it from moving backward. And, so, take that first step, begin to think through what boundaries would be helpful for your marriage.
Lindsay: Yes, that's so good. That's good, encouraging, and practical. So that's a great place to end today. So we'll put a link to all the resources we mentioned today in our show notes, so you can find them. And those are found wherever you listen to podcasts.
We love hearing from you and answering your questions. So if you have any questions for Dr. Kim about the topic of boundaries, please go ahead and send them to us at info@awesomemarriage.com. We'll do an FAQ episode at the end of this series, with any questions you have. So you can send them in at info@awesomemarriage.com. Or you can DM us on Instagram at Awesome Marriage.
Thank you for listening and for sharing your time with us today. Have a great day and do something awesome for your marriage today.
[00:37:23] < Outro >
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