Grow the Attraction in Your Marriage with Special Guest Kimberly Beam Holmes | Ep. 515
[00:00:00] < Intro >
Lindsay: Welcome to The Awesome Marriage podcast. A place for honest conversations and practical advice on how to build an awesome marriage. I am your podcast producer and co-host Lindsay Few. On the show will be our host. Dr. Kim Kimberly. Dr. Kim, is a marriage counselor and has been married for over 50 years. His passion is to help you strengthen your most intimate relationship.
Dr. Kim: Well, Kimberly, thank you so much for taking time to be on the Awesome Marriage podcast today, I welcome you, and I'm just excited to spend this time with you today.
Kimberly: Thank you so much for having me on, Dr. Kim, I'm excited to be with you and your audience.
Dr. Kim: Oh, they're just going to love everything we talk about today. So let's jump right in to you've said that, "Falling in love doesn't just happen." What do you mean by that?
Kimberly: Great question, there's actually a process to falling in love, and it's one of the things that we talk about a lot at Marriage Helper. And a lot of people don't realize that falling in love really is a process.
It's not just about happening upon the right person, you can fall in love with anyone. But the ideal is that you fall in love with a person who is great for you, and shares your same beliefs and values.
So falling in love is a process. If you follow the process, you can fall in love. But if you stop following the process, then you can actually fall out of love, even if you don't mean to. And that's a big one, especially, for married couples to realize and understand.
A lot of the problems that begin to come up after you get married, is a lot of times because one or both of the spouses have stopped following that process, and they begin to fall out of love with each other.
Dr. Kim: So talk a little bit more of what is that process? What is the process that they quit, how long?
Kimberly: Yes, great, if it's okay, I'll give a brief overview of the whole process.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely.
Kimberly: Okay, perfect. So we call it the love path and there's four stages to it, or four steps on the path. And it's not a path that you get to the end to and you've mastered it one day. It really is something that if you kind of think of it being circular, and always traveling upward that would be most ideal. It's something you keep following, keep coming back to.
But the four stages of it, the first stage is what we call attraction, and that makes sense to a lot of people. Because typically when we first see our spouse, I remember when my husband and I started dating. Typically, there was something about him, about the way he looked that attracted me to him.
But, actually, attraction is more than that. There are four areas of attraction within that part of the love path, and we call it the P-I-E-S of attraction. P-I-E-S because each one stands for something. Physical attraction is the first one we see. But the next one is Intellectual attraction and this has everything to do with, "Is this someone that I enjoy talking to?"
Dr. Kim: Mm-hmm.
Kimberly: Because someone can look nice, but at the end of the day, if you don't have anything to talk about, it's hard for the relationship to go any further than that.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely.
Kimberly: The third part of that, the E of the PIES is Emotional attraction. And this one is all about, "Does this person evoke emotions within me that I enjoy feeling?"
Dr. Kim: Mm-hmm.
Kimberly: And you get to know that the longer you're with someone. I mean, thinking back to when you were dating, after a couple of dates, after being together a couple weeks or months. You realized, "This is a person who I just feel cherished, I feel loved, listened to, respected, I like the way I feel when I'm around them."
That is so crucial for a long-term committed relationship. Because it's what keeps us being attracted to someone, even if the looks fade, or even if we start to disconnect intellectually. If there's that emotional tie bringing us back, and that's a strong pull that can keep pulling us back.
And then the final part of that, the S of PIES is Spiritual attraction. And this is all about having a shared beliefs and value system. So faith is a huge part of this. I know you're a Christian, I'm a Christian as well, and, so, of course, when I was looking at dating and dating my husband, that mattered a lot to me.
Dr. Kim: Sure.
Kimberly: And it typically does. I mean, most of the times we see when we look at the research, that people are going to marry someone who does have a similar religion that they do. Because that's a huge driver, especially for us Christians, that's the foundation of everything.
Dr. Kim: Sure.
Kimberly: But also in that we can become unattracted to the other person in each of these ways. So if someone stops, and we're not saying continue to look like a supermodel for the rest of your lie because that's impossible.
But if someone stops just focusing on being healthy. Eating right, feeling the best that they can be physically, it can start to become unattractive. Intellectually, if we stop talking to each other about things we enjoy. Not just talking about the kids all the time, or finances, or those typical conversations. But how are we continuing to come back together and have those intellectually-stimulating conversations.
Dr. Kim: Right.
Kimberly: Emotionally that matters. "Am I continuing to evoke emotions within my husband? Is he continuing to evoke emotions within me that I enjoy feeling?"
And then spiritually, "Am I continuing to grow in my walk with God?"
"Am I continuing to pray with my wife, pray with my husband?" Like these are the questions that we should ask each other. Because you can then become spiritually unattracted to your spouse, if they stop having the same beliefs and values that you do.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely. Now, that's so good, I mean, I love all those. Because, I think that, obviously, they make sense to start with.
Kimberly: Right.
Dr. Kim: Because if you didn't have that physical attraction to start with, you're going to walk away. There is not going to be a second date or something like that.
But I think you're right because I think dating, you start out, it's kind of a risk. So you share something and if they seem to respond well to that. Whether it's something intellectual you say or your opinion about something. All that makes total sense and you just kind of grow.
Just thinking back with Nancy and I, I mean, the physical attraction was there immediately. And then the more I spent time with, I thought, "I really want to spend more time with this person." And you just want to.
Then, I think, the spiritual I've had a couple of couples I've worked with, probably, more than that over the years. Where one of them has walked away from their faith and the devastation that happens. What it does to a relationship.
It really becomes a trust issue. I think, "I trusted that you were going to stay faithful to what you said you were going to be faithful to, and we were going to build our marriage on that and now you're not."
Kimberly: Right, yes, absolutely, all of those things are important and continue to be important. And, so, this first stage of attraction continues to be important for as long as you both shall live.
Dr. Kim: Yeah, that makes total sense.
Kimberly: So after attraction, we go into that second stage of the love path, which we call - Acceptance. And, so, this is all about, "Can I accept the other person as they are without requiring them to change, even if they never change?"
So the hope, of course, is all of us have things we can work on, become better at, all of us have ways we need to change. But the question about acceptance in this stage is, "But do I feel like this person, unconditionally, loves me without me having to change?"
Dr. Kim: Mm-hmm.
Kimberly: And, so, this is reflected in how Jesus loves us, He doesn't require us to change. He loves us enough that we want to change, and that we want to become more like Him. And, so, how do we reflect that in our marriage relationship?
That's not to say that there shouldn't be times of boundaries or hard conversations you still need to have those. But the question, what this really means is, "But am I showing the person I accept them?"
"That I can still love them?"
That means, "I can still have boundaries, I can still have things that I need to happen. But am I treating them like I love them or am I treating them like I need to punish them, until they do what I want them to do?" So that is the second stage in its briefest form of acceptance. The third stage is what we call attachment. And the bottom line of this is, "Will you be there for me when I need you?"
Dr. Kim: Mm-hmm.
Kimberly: When you look at the attachment theory research when you look at how that plays out in childhood all the way into adulthood. Really, all of it goes back to a person wanting to know that someone is going to be there for them to meet their needs, to hug them, to hold them, to talk to them, to support them. "Will you be there for me no matter what? Can I count on you?"
And then that fourth stage is aspiration, and this is all about building shared dreams together as a couple. And the reason for that is when we look at the research from John Gottman, for example. We know that couples who have these shared dreams, they have some of the happiest, healthiest, strongest marriages of any of them. There are those masters that he talks about and not the disasters that he talks about in marriage.
But the unfortunate thing is most couples don't focus on this part. They don't get to this part of aspiration. They kind of get stuck in their day-to-day life of just the routine of going to work, caring for the kids, and they don't focus on what they want to do together. What difference they want to make, as a couple? What they can look forward to? Because everything in life is going to try and pull us apart.
Dr. Kim: Sure.
Kimberly: And if you don't have that vision. That shared vision of where you want to go, what you want to do with your spouse, what your life goals are to bring you back together, then life is going to keep pulling you apart. You have to have what that is that can pull you back together.
So that is the Love Path. And you can see that there are multiple parts there that people could fall out of love in. You could fall out of love at the attraction phase, the acceptance phase, the attachment phase, or even the aspiration phase.
But the good news is that you also have a framework. To begin thinking of how you can get back on the Love Path, to fall back in love, and stay in love.
Dr. Kim: Sure, because, I think, at times we all get off of it to some extent or the other. Whether it's the distraction of raising a family, you mentioned that. Sometimes that pulls, or people don't spend as much time together.
So I think knowing that the key, what I see in counseling couples, is the ones who get off on whatever stage of that, and they don't do anything about it, and they just keep, like you said, getting farther apart. And then all of a sudden they realize, "We're really in trouble, and, so, if we're going to make this work, we're going to have counselling."
Kimberly: Right.
Dr. Kim: And the sooner we identify that the better off we are.
Kimberly: Absolutely.
Dr. Kim: Especially if we both see that and want to get things back like they need to be.
Kimberly: Absolutely.
Dr. Kim: So do you see anything that happens in marriage, I don't know, maybe the top three things, why we fall out of love? The things that we do in marriage that just can pull us apart instead of putting us together?
Kimberly: Mm-hmm, great question. From just the top of my head, because I don't know that I've thought about the question in that way. But a lot of the couples that we work with and we see, there's really been the emotional attraction part is huge.
Dr. Kim: Mm-hmm.
Kimberly: So one or both of them have stopped doing the things that evoked positive emotions in each other, and actually started doing things that have evoked negative emotions with each other. And, so, some of the ways that this could present is a lot of controlling behaviors.
So "I want you to do things my way. To think like I think. To vote like I vote." And that becomes, I mean, especially, both the husband and the wife, this is a huge issue. But we tend to see women are typically controlled more. So women are typically controlled more by their husbands than maybe men are by their wives.
Dr. Kim: Mm-hmm.
Kimberly: But what happens here is the person feels like they don't have a voice. Like if they don't do what you want them to do, say what you want them to say, be who you want them to be. Then it goes back to that acceptance that you don't love them, and it begins to push the other person away. And sometimes people are well-meaning. I mean, a lot of times people with controlling behaviors don't realize it because they think they're being helpful.
Dr. Kim: Sure, absolutely.
Kimberly: Yeah, "But she needs to know that she, constantly, is grammatically incorrect."
Or "He needs to know that he needs to load the dishwasher different." And those are just some silly examples, but you've probably seen it, too, in your work with couples of how this presents and can last for years. Before one or both people get to the point where they're resentful. They don't want to be around the other person, and there's even a repulsion, to an extent, because of how emotionally unattractive they are.
Dr. Kim: And it just keeps getting farther and farther apart. I think it's when there is a string attached to getting someone to connect with you mostly, then that is going to cause some resentment over time. Because you're always going to feel like you never can measure up, probably.
Kimberly: You never measure up.
Dr. Kim: At some point, you just get angry, or frustrated, or just go, "I can't do this anymore."
Kimberly: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: That makes so much sense. So go back to the attraction and the four things there. How do you keep that alive in a marriage, practically?
Kimberly: So the first key to this is realizing that, going back to that PIES framework, Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, Spiritual, that when we actually look at the research, this is fascinating and I love this. There was, actually, a correlation and a lot of times in research, there's no correlation.
But they did a correlational study with this specific thing to show that the marriages where a person, where an individual would work on themselves, and work on increasing self-confidence, increasing just their personal well-being. That there was a direct positive correlation on marital satisfaction because of it.
So what does all of that mean? That means that the first way you start working on keeping attraction alive, in the marriage, is just by focusing on you. So a question to ask yourself is, "What am I doing to work on becoming my physical best, intellectual best, emotional best, and spiritual best?"
And you're not doing it only for your spouse or only for the marriage. You're doing it first and foremost for you because it's the best thing you can do for you, as a human being. And even when we look at the physical part, we can start there.
So one way that I like to word this to people because a lot of people say, "I know, I get it, I need to eat right, I need to exercise." That's what everything in the world is telling us all the time. Instagram ads, magazines, and some of that is unhealthy to just focus on so much on it. So I like to encourage people with, well, just ask yourself physically, how do you feel?
Dr. Kim: Mm-hmm.
Kimberly: Are you getting enough sleep? That is a huge one. Are you finding yourself energetic throughout the day or not? And if you're just lagging and fatigued, then maybe ask yourself, "What's going on?" What can you do to physically feel your best?
Dr. Kim: Mm-hmm.
Kimberly: Intellectually - What are you doing to continue to grow and learn? Be interested in the things that you want to know more about.
Emotionally— really focus on those behaviors, those relational behaviors with your friends, with your husband, with your wife. Evoking those emotions with your kids that they enjoy feeling.
And then spiritually, what am I doing to continue to grow in my beliefs and values. Whether that's in your faith or if you don't have a faith, then what are you doing to grow, and be a part of a beliefs' and value system that is bigger than you.
Because all of that matters in attraction. And that is what will make you become the most attractive you can be. And that is how you keep it alive in marriage, by focusing on your attraction, first,
Dr. Kim: I love that, for so many ways, one that you're pointing the finger back at yourself, at ourselves, and we're looking at what do we need to do. Because so many times, and you know that when couples come in the fingers are pointing not back at them, they're pointing at the other person.
I talk a lot about just becoming who God created you to be, and all those fit so perfectly in that, and then just continue to pursue that. I think guys are, a lot of times I think we figure like, "Okay, we're getting married and we're going to get it, and then we're just going to coast for 50 years."
Kimberly: Yeah.
Dr. Kim: And you can't do that. I mean, I think, I probably thought that and it lasted maybe six months, I realized this isn't going to work. But I love what you said about the physical part of it because we do change.
There is a pastor I love in Denton, Texas, Tommy Nelson, and I've heard him say, "You look your best on your wedding day and it's all downhill from there." Well, it doesn't happen that quick, but we are going to change. But, I think, staying healthy has been so important to Nancy and I. We've always worked out. We've always tried to eat pretty good, we splurge and do stuff like that.
But just take care of yourself and not compare yourself to other people. Just how do you feel about yourself, and the way you look, and health-wise? And I love that because we get into the comparison thing and well, that's just never going to get us in a good place, at all. And then I think continuing to realize, I love the intellectual part of it. I think that you need to be able to communicate with each other on all kinds of things together.
Kimberly: Yeah.
Dr. Kim: So, I think, all four of those are really good. And then I think the spiritual, for us, it's always been, I don't know, the glue that held everything together. And, I think, if one of us walked away from that, it would be devastating to our marriage relationship completely.
Kimberly: Yeah. And I really feel for couples where maybe during your marriage, is when one of the spouses walks away from their faith or is struggling with it because that is such a binder. It's been such a binder for my husband and I, and we have not walked through that, but I have a family member who has, and thankfully her husband did come back around to believing in Jesus.
Dr. Kim: Oh, that's good.
Kimberly: But for those five years that he was not, it was hard.
Dr. Kim: Yeah, absolutely, I think, the personal responsibility is part of it and what we can do. So when someone is saying, "Well, yeah, this is going to make a difference, if I do this?" If someone is really working on the attraction things for their marriage. What do you think they'll see if they're focusing on themselves, what's going to happen in that marriage?
Kimberly: Mm-hmm, so for themselves over time, they will see, depending on what their focus is. Because a lot of times, especially, when it's couples in crisis that you're working with, and they're just grasping at anything they can to try and get their spouse back. Their focus really is totally on whatever their spouse's reaction is going to be.
And, so, in that situation, that can be a bit of a negative. Because, so, if they start working on their PIES but then their husband doesn't come back as quick as they want, or isn't responding to them in the way that they want. Then it might be easy for them to give up and say, "I tried it and it didn't work."
Dr. Kim: Mm-hmm.
Kimberly: It's like, "Hmm, no." This is the only thing that works for you, first and foremost, your focus is wrong. And, so, bring the focus back to if the goal is for me to be my best self, be everything God has created me to be, have fullness of purpose in life, then there's no downside.
And, so, you keep doing these things because it's the best thing you can do. And over time, those people are going to see increases in self-confidence, increases in self-esteem, increases in self-worth.
I mean, all of those things are going to follow, career advancement opportunities because they're working on intellectual attraction. Better health markers, better relationships because of the emotional piece, all of that can fall in.
Now the reaction from the spouse, depending on the state of the marriage, could be positive or negative. Though sometimes that other spouse watching this happen may have a response of, "What are you doing? Why this change all of a sudden, why now of all times?"
But don't let that discourage you, keep being an example, be a model in your behavior of doing this because other people in your life will see it. It's a great example for your kids. A great example for your friends, your spouse.
But then the other scenario of that is there is a positive reaction from your spouse. So over time, they see the change, they see that you are actually changing, it's not just a ploy for you to get them to do what you want them to do, but it's real.
And that is when, typically, especially with our clients we work with. That spouse, even if it's a spouse who wants out, who's been wanting a divorce, they kind of turn back and say, "Something is different."
Because that wasn't your main goal, it was just a secondary goal. Your goal was to become the best you could be, then it can attract your spouse back. Get you to put your marriage back together, and ultimately be a positive modeling of how both of you, now together, can work on staying attracted and having a great relationship.
Dr. Kim: So, really, keep working on yourself.
Kimberly: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: Whether your spouse responds quickly or not, or ever. Because my experience is when people are really trying to be who God created them to be. God is not going to do anything in me, that is not going to be good for my marriage and my spouse. I mean, He is just not going to change something.
So I think if we're on that path, I agree, our lives are going to be better, whether our spouse responds or not. Now, obviously, we all want our spouse to respond and we want our spouse to decide that this marriage is valuable, and invest in it just as much as we are. But taking care of yourself makes a huge difference.
Kimberly: Mm-hmm, huge difference.
Dr. Kim: Yeah, absolutely. So how does loving and accepting yourself affect the attraction? Because, I think, sometimes we could tick that list, and it could be a checklist box for somebody, if they didn't just, really, dive into it. I think just like anything we can say, "Well, if I do this and this then my spouse is going to be back, and everything is going to be great."
But learning to just love yourself because, I think, that's hard for a lot of people to get from. In fact, I was talking to a lady this morning who was never told she was loved by her mother, ever.
Kimberly: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And her mother had passed and there was never a final reconciliation, so, that had affected how she loved herself. And, so, talk a little bit about that. Just loving accepting yourself, how important that is, and how that affects the whole attraction thing?
Kimberly: Mm-hmm, I love the quote from the psychologist, Carl Jung, that says, "When I accept others..." I think he says it this way first, "When I accept myself as I am, then I can begin to change. When I accept others as they are, then they can begin to change."
To echo what you were just saying, it really does, a lot of this really does start with truly loving ourselves right, not in an egotistical or prideful way. But in a, "I love who God made me to be. I love that I'm made in His image, He has a purpose for me." And accepting yourself, accepting the past, accepting what's happened, accepting where you are.
Accepting that you're not perfect where you are. And a lot of that can be hard, and sometimes that takes work through those traumatic childhood experiences or adverse childhood experiences. Like the woman you were talking with this morning.
Dr. Kim: Mm-hmm.
Kimberly: Some people can just, starting out, feel so low about themselves. That this concept of working on becoming more attractive, they don't even feel like they deserve it. And, so, there is some work to be done on that. And I, honestly, believe that people like you with what you're doing, and working one-on-one with people to really work through that, that is so beautiful.
Because some of it is hard to do alone. To go there mentally and if you don't have a good support system of people to help walk you through that you can stay stuck because you can't even want to do it.
But that is where it starts. You accept yourself where you are and then love yourself enough to say, "But I'm also not just going to stay here, I want more for me. I want more for my life. I want more of what God wants for me." And that's what propels you into wanting to become more attractive.
So it's not a, "I'm not good enough, I need to be better."
It's, "Wow, I'm fearfully and wonderfully made. How can I experience more of the fullness of this?"
Dr. Kim: Yeah, I love that, and, I think, it's just seeing yourself, I guess, how God sees us. I think, the first time someone told me that "No matter what you do, God is not going to love you any more, any less, that His love is just perfect for me now."
I think that hit me, I don't know, it was powerful in my life just to hear that. Because, I think, we get in a culture, and maybe families grow up in that. We are always trying to impress somebody, or do something better, or to get accolades.
So they will love us more or they will like us better. And, yet, we have the creator that loves us just like we are, but has a plan for our lives that can make it better. And, so, I think, bringing that up just so that people that are there, that are listening today, to know that there's hope and that I totally agree with you.
Finding someone to help walk you through that, whether it's a counselor, a mentor, or a pastor, somebody that can help you really see yourself through God's eyes. Because, one, that'll change everything for you and then the things that we're talking about for your relationship, it's a lot easier to work on those when you feel good about yourself,
Kimberly: Mm-hmm, absolutely.
Dr. Kim: It makes a big difference. So when a spouse makes that decision to grow healthier, do you have some examples of what you've seen the change happen in different marriages?
Kimberly: Yes, absolutely. One of the couples that we have worked with, this is a crazy story. Back in March of 2020, which was, of course, like beginning of the pandemic, all of the craziness in the world. There is a woman named Adele, she lives in South Africa and her husband had recently left her for, I think, the second or third time to go be with another woman.
She was struggling with, "Do I keep trying to make this work or do I just finally give up?" And she was able to either find one of the Marriage Helper YouTube videos or the podcast, and she learned about this concept of PIES, and, so, she began to work on herself.
So her husband had left, she has two young girls at home, and is just trying to make it work. So she is getting up 20 minutes early to get some more Bible study in, trying to work out a bit, and just really starts doing as much as she can, little-by-little, but she does it consistently.
And for the time he is gone, which is, I'm not quite sure it's either four or five months, she starts doing this. And when he does call she is changing the way she is talking to him. It's not yelling at him, or attacking him, or making him feel guilty for leaving.
She just starts listening, asking questions of how he's doing, if there is anything she can do for him, and he begins to see a change.
Dr. Kim: Mm-hmm.
Kimberly: And, so, when March finally came he was so deep into the affair he was in, and he had also been an addict of drugs several different drugs, illegal drugs, for 20 years.
Dr. Kim: Oh, wow.
Kimberly: And he had been in and out of rehab, and it hadn't worked. And, so, his plan, when the lockdown first happened, he was out of money.
So he was just going to go back home with her and the girls, for the first two weeks. And his plan was and this is exactly what he said that he was just going to wait to get his most recent paycheck, and he was going to use all of that money to go and buy cocaine enough to kill himself.
Dr. Kim: Oh, wow.
Kimberly: His plan was to end his life. And in those two weeks that he was home with Adele, he realized that this was different, that she was different. And there was one night where she finally went to him and she said, "I can tell you are carrying so much, just tell me what's going on?"
And he said, "Fine, I'm going to tell you everything from the past 20 years." And so he unloaded it and at the end of it, she turned to him and said, "I forgive you and I love you." And he said, "I had never felt more seen and more loved, and I realized maybe we can make this work."
Dr. Kim: Wow.
Kimberly: And, I mean, he had been in church, out of church, but at that point forward, it was also a reflection to him of how much God loved him.
Dr. Kim: Yeah.
Kimberly: And, so, they were able to put their marriage back together. They had been back together, now, for almost it will be two years next month.
They're part of our team and what we are doing in Marriage Helper. All because she just decided to start working on herself and changing the way that she reacted to him, and it's been amazing. The difference it's made in their lives and the lives of people that they've been able to impact.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely, oh, and I just think of those children, what they got to see from parents that were split to parents that have a marriage that they cherish now. I had a guy, one time, that his wife had made all the changes, things we're talking about today, and, I mean, he was out. When I first started talking to him he didn't come in for a long time.
Then he came back in, probably, six months later and he said, "You know, I don't know how to do this, but I think I want to get back with her because she is changed, she is really something now. I don't want somebody else to have her, after I've invested in this marriage for 15 years."
And I said, "Well, let's meet together and see what we can do." And they did, and they got back together and, I think, she was doing it for herself though. Because she really didn't have much hope that, probably like this lady, that he would come back.
"But I'm going to be healthier and I'm going to do better." And I think that's a great testimony of that. Really, I think what God wants us to do, be the best you you can be. And then the person in your life has a chance to embrace that or not, but you're going to be healthier because of it.
Kimberly: Right.
Dr. Kim: I love it, it's so good. All this stuff is so practical, I just love how practical it is. I think it's easy for people to just grab that and say, "Oh, that makes sense. We can do that."
Where can people find you? Where's the best place for them to find you and to find all about Marriage Helper and all those things?
Kimberly: Yes, you can find anything and everything we're currently doing marriagehelper.com. We also have a YouTube channel that has, I think, over 400 videos now, so you can find that youtube.com/marriagehelper, and we have a free mini-course.
So if there's anyone listening and they are that person saying, "My spouse is gone, my spouse is out." Then our free mini-course is called How To Get Your Spouse Back, and it talks more about the love path, like I mentioned here today. More about the PIES and how you can begin changing your communication style, but you can find all of that at marriagehelper.com.
Dr. Kim: Yeah, it's a great website, I was messing around with this morning. It's very easy to navigate and see what you have, and I encourage people to go there. Because there's a lot of good stuff that can make a difference for them.
So last question, what are you loving about your marriage today?
Kimberly: Oh, I love it, specifically today, that's a great question. It's a unique day, both of our kids are in school right now, so my husband, typically, picks up our daughter from school, but she is going home with a little playmate.
And, so, my husband a couple of hours ago asked me out to lunch for a date, and I looked at him when he asked me and I said, "I love that you are asking me out to go to lunch with you." It's something we never do and typically just work schedules, and all of it never aligns.
So I love right now that we are in this sweet season, even though life is crazy, kids' schedules are crazy. There are still opportunities when we look for them to connect, get away just the two of us, and rekindle that attraction that first brought us together. That's what I'm loving today.
Dr. Kim: That's so good. And, I think, for Nancy would say very similar to what you said. It's the times that I've done something that she didn't expect that really meant.
I mean, we got Valentine's Day, when that comes. You know if I expect things to be done and those kinds of things. But when I do something, or call her in the middle of the afternoon, or say, "Hey, can you break away for lunch?" It makes a difference. So that's great, I'm glad you shared that.
Because I think there is date opportunities, and I think we need to look for them, especially, in those busy times. Because I get it, you've got kids and they're active, and what you guys are doing. But to look for those opportunities and then to take advantage of them, that sounds awesome.
Kimberly: Yes, it is awesome.
Dr. Kim: Well, Kimberly, thank you so much, it's been great having you today. It's been very helpful, I know people can follow up and see everything that you guys are doing. You're doing great work and thanks for being a part of the podcast today.
Kimberly: Thank you so much for having me on, it was a pleasure and an honor.
Dr. Kim: You bet.
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[00:35:42] < Music >
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[00:37:42] < Music >
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