Avoid These 3 Premarital Mistakes: #3 Unrealistic Expectations | Ep. 533
[00:00:00] < Intro >
Lindsay: Welcome to the Awesome Marriage Podcast. A place for honest conversations and practical advice, on how to build an awesome marriage. I am your podcast producer and co-host Lindsay Few. On the show will be our host, Dr. Kim Kimberling.
Dr. Kim is a marriage counselor and has been married for over 50 years. His passion is to help you strengthen your most intimate relationship.
Today on the Awesome Marriage Podcast, we're talking about pre-marriage mistakes to avoid. Mistake number three that we're talking about today is Unrealistic Expectations. So if you missed mistakes number one, and two, make sure you go back and listen to those.
But Dr. Kim has a lot of wisdom from counseling engaged and married couples, for the past 35 plus years. And he's also written our Prep for Marriage online course, which is so helpful for anyone who's engaged or getting ready for marriage.
Today we're digging into this third major mistake, Unrealistic Expectations. So, Dr. Kim, let's talk about unrealistic expectations. How common are they?
Dr. Kim: Oh, they're very common, we're all vulnerable to doing that. And a lot of things that happen with people, couples, who are engaged is we have these expectations. Maybe about marriage and what it would be, and maybe our ideas are different, and we don't talk about that.
Maybe we have expectations of our future spouse, and then we get upset and frustrated when they don't meet them. But we've never told them, we've never given them a chance to talk about it.
Dr. Kim: So, yes, unrealistic expectations are common, not only in premarital, but really in marriage a lot. It's just interesting how in different situations they can pop up. I've read a survey, A National Survey on Marriage in America. The National Fatherhood Initiative reported that 45% of divorce respondents said, "Unrealistic expectations contributed to their marriage ending." That's almost half of the divorces that they surveyed.
So, yes, they play a big part, and in these situations, my guess is that, they never resolved those, they never talked about it. They never found an answer to that and probably kept having these unrealistic expectations. Either putting them on their spouse or their spouse putting them on them, and finally they said, "I'm done. I can't do this anymore." So, yes, it's a big deal.
Lindsay: Yes, I would, definitely, agree. I think we see that a lot with couples that we interact with, with marriage. I'm sure you see it in the counseling room. I see it with couples that we premarital counsel or deal with after marriage, and I've lived it.
Dr. Kim: Yes.
Lindsay: I definitely know it by experience.
Dr. Kim: Yes, and we grow up certain ways. There's things that, a lot of times, I don't think we realize the expectations we have until we get in that relationship.
Lindsay: Certainly.
Dr. Kim: And then because we've always thought, "Oh, yes, that's normal." Or, "That's what I saw, that's what Cinderella did." Or different things like that. And, so, you don't realize they're unrealistic and you just begin to expect your spouse to do that, and when they don't, then you get upset with them.
Lindsay: Yes, so let's just start off by defining what are some common unrealistic expectations?
Dr. Kim: Oh, we could probably put a list and just go on forever, and ever. Sometimes I'll meet with a couple and sometimes I think I've heard everything and I think, "Oh, yes, I hadn't heard that one before." The one that came out of the movie, when she says, "My spouse will complete me."
Lindsay: Mh-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And, obviously, that's unrealistic. That's putting something on somebody that only God can do, is complete us. And, yet, we can go into marriage with rose-colored classes and, "He's going to complete me."
Or, "She's going to complete me."
And that, also, leads into thinking your spouse is responsible for your happiness. And we think, "Well, you're going to make me happy. You made me happy when we're dating, and made me happy here and there. So you're going to make me happy for the rest of my life." And nobody can make you happy.
I think some of the things that their feelings of love won't change. We love that high where we really feel the love. I don't know anybody that's been able to make that work for 50, 60 years, or that's there now.
So that feeling of love and actually loving someone are different in so many ways, and we like the feeling. And, so, sometimes, when that goes, we think, "Okay, what's wrong here?" All your time should be spent together.
And a lot of times, when you're dating and when a guy's pursuing a woman, man, we're there all the time. We're doing everything we can to win her over. And then, sometimes, those things change in marriage, and really you've got to have some independence in your marriage.
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: It's just not healthy to be codependent on your spouse, and I talk a lot about being interdependent with each other. Where you really, both, have gifts and abilities, and you complement each other is being codependent, which can be really unhealthy. And a lot of times, even though we may not think our parents were perfect. That's what our model was of what a man, a woman, a husband, and a wife are.
And, so, we put some of those attributes on our spouse. I certainly did some of that, and that's not fair. That's not fair to your spouse. Your spouse is not your mom or your dad, and your spouse is going to have some differences there. And, so, all of those are just some that I think can go into really having some unrealistic expectations. That you have for marriage and you have for the person that you marry.
Lindsay: Yes, you're right, we could just talk about those for hours. I've had so many, I've seen so many, I've heard so many. But I think that first one about, "You complete me." Or that your spouse will make you happy, those are maybe at the tip of the iceberg there. Where those encompass some others, the happiness, the fulfillment.
Dr. Kim: Yes, when you think about - 'Completing you' - I mean, that can take on all kinds of different directions, depending what you feel your needs are. What you then expect your spouse to be able to do. What does that mean to you? And, again, I've never seen anybody that can do that.
Lindsay: No, it's just not humanly possible.
Dr. Kim: No, and, honestly, we weren't meant to. I mean, it's not like we're falling short. No, we're really doing what God intended us to do because He wants to complete us. He wants to do those things that only He can do. And then we can do the things that only we can do as a spouse, but we can't be God, so we can't put that on our spouse.
Lindsay: Yes, that's a recipe for disaster because they just can't do it. And like you said, there's nothing wrong with them, it's just not humanly possible.
Dr. Kim: Right.
Lindsay: Another thing I've seen or I think one really unrealistic expectation that I had, was to be able to get all these issues resolved when we were engaged. And then not have to talk about them again after we were married.
I thought that if we squared away certain issues beforehand, they would be done, and we checked the box off and it would never come up again. But that is not realistic because they're going to be different situations that bring things up in new ways.
Dr. Kim: Yes.
Lindsay: And I also think I've seen people who waited until marriage to get things on the table. So they had issues that they knew would be difficult. And, so, the unrealistic expectation was, "Oh, once we're married we can easily deal with that because we'll be married."
Dr. Kim: Oh, that's so good.
Lindsay: That's not going to be easy.
Dr. Kim: I think that that happens a lot. I had one couple, you just made me think of that then, and he had $30,000 worth of credit card debt that he never mentioned until after they were married. That didn't go over well. That just doesn't work at all.
You want to learn to work out things, and what you were saying about you guys, if you resolve things before then you wouldn't have to deal with them again. It's just different in a marriage and you can resolve things.
I think the key is learning how to resolve things. And, so, then when it comes up again or something else comes up, you're confident in how to do that. That's one of the best gifts you can give your marriage, is just learning how to resolve issues when they come up because they will.
I mean, it would be so good if we got all that over the first 30 days of marriage or engagement. You got all those things out of the way and you didn't have to deal with them anymore. But it's not that way, and if you address the things together and let God work in it, you grow through those things too.
Lindsay: Sure.
Dr. Kim: And, so, I know that Nancy and I are stronger because of the things we've had to work through, and a lot of them weren't fun, at all. But we needed to work through them, and on the other side of it, it's good.
Lindsay: Yes, totally, and you hit on there too, the big old C word, conflict that everyone's thinking like, "Oh, my marriage could be conflict-free. We won't have to deal with that." And that is not realistic and I love how you say that if we learn to deal with it, then we're actually building that skill, and then we know we can take on things together. We don't have to be afraid of it anymore. Yes, that's huge.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely. Because the more that we can learn how to resolve conflict because we're going to have it. It just makes things so much different. You're confident, you don't avoid conflict, you don't have these blowups because you've learned the blowups don't work. We need to sit down and we need to listen to each other. And we need to process this through, and come up with a solution that works for our marriage.
Lindsay: Yes, and then when you know you can do that. And you can bring up the expectations you might have, or talk about them together without being afraid that it's going to end up in some disaster.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely.
Lindsay: Yes, and one other unrealistic expectation I've seen or heard is people who want to be a certain way in marriage. Maybe they want to be a Christian couple, but they don't want to start working on that until after they get married. They don't want to start pursuing God or following His ways till after once they're married.
And, so, I see a lot of like, "Things will be different, when we are officially married we'll start doing things differently." But if you're not doing things now, nothing magically changes after you have had your wedding day.
Your relationship is a covenant marriage, but that doesn't change any of your patterns, or your actions, or habits, communication, all that stuff.
Dr. Kim: Yes, it's not a magic thing when somebody pronounces you husband and wife, that everything just comes together all at once. It just means that there's, hopefully, more commitment and that you've made a covenant. And, so, you've got, maybe, more motivation to do things, but it doesn't magically fix things.
Lindsay: No, it doesn't, and I do think that's one expectation I had. I just think it's so naive, but there's something in the wedding planning process. It's also there, it can feel a little bit fairytale at times.
Dr. Kim: Sure.
Lindsay: And then you're envisioning this day. You've got your dress picked out. You picture it, and then you put it on and it's the day, and it just seems like there's a magic element to it, and it's a big deal, it's very significant. But it took me a while to realize, after getting married, that I had actually expected that like some element of magic.
Dr. Kim: Of magic, yes.
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: Well, obviously, I don't think guys think a lot about a wedding growing up, and a lot of times girls do from very young sometimes. Especially, if they've had a family member get married, or been a flower girl in a wedding, or something.
And, so, I think girls think about that more and it is a special day, and the bride really is the center of attention. I tell the guys, "You could stand there probably without any clothes on and they would never see you because they're looking at the bride." It's not that extreme, but it is-
Lindsay: And don't try that at home, fellas.
Dr. Kim: ...it's her day. And, so, I think there is a magical part and that's okay, you've just got to be realistic with that. Enjoy your magical day, but then after that, "Okay, marriage is going to take some work, now. We got to get into this." There's not a fairy godmother that's going to keep sprinkling fairy dust on you for 50 years. That just doesn't happen.
Lindsay: Yes, well, so are there any of these that you and Nancy dealt with when you got married?
Dr. Kim: Oh, yes, there were so many of them. Trying to think of just a few, honestly, I really felt like we wouldn't fight. Because I never really saw my parents fight, and I just thought, "We get along so well, we're so much alike, and all these kind of things."
But, man, it's different when you start living with someone. And you start doing things that you think are, "This is the way you do it." And then your spouse doesn't do them that way. And some of those family of origin things begin to come up. And, so, I think when we started fighting and fighting a lot, and we weren't resolving things. And I was thinking, "My gosh, what have we done?"
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: Because we're not supposed to fight like this. Well, we're supposed to argue and have conflict because that's normal. But we weren't supposed to fight the way we were fighting, and we had to figure that out.
There's a healthy way to resolve conflict and we had to figure that out. One other thing and I hear a lot of couples talk about, too, the way we do sick was so different. And that's usually definitely a family of origin things.
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: When Nancy was sick, her mom just left her alone, and my mom was very attentive. And, so, Nancy thought I was smothering her when she's sick. And then when I'm sick I'm thinking, "Where are you? You're supposed to be here."
Lindsay: "Where is the nurse?"
Dr. Kim: "You're supposed to stay by my bed?" And, so, we had to figure out, "Okay, how do we get to do sick in this?" I mean, at one time, I can't remember what was wrong with me, and I hadn't seen her in hours and I thought, "What is wrong with her? Where is she? She's supposed to be here taking care of me." And then I get mad at her for not doing that, that she didn't even know she was supposed to be doing.
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: I think a couple of things. Nancy, we both knew that we were pretty type A going into marriage and pretty independent. But my mom and dad really had it figured out, he really was the leader. The word submissive people don't like really. But because my dad was such a good leader it was so easy for my mom to follow him, and respect him in those ways.
And, so, I just thought that was normal, I had to earn that with Nancy. And I just expected, "We're married, that's what you're supposed to do." And I had, because of her family of origin background, I had to prove myself.
She had to learn to know that it was okay to trust me, and that I always going to have her best interests, our best interests, in mind. And, so, that was one that I felt, "Well, she's going to follow my lead." And she didn't. I think, "What's wrong with you? Are you unspiritual? What's wrong with you, lady?" It had nothing to do with any of that.
The other thing was, for us, that when we would solve a problem. I always, from early on, I would think, "Well, we won't have another problem again. Okay, we got that one. That was really the one that was causing us the problem. So we're going to be okay. We got that figured out."
And then you go on, then, you find, "Oh, my gosh, there's other things." And I think learning to accept that there's always going to be things you have to deal with. Because you go through different seasons of life. But again, like I said earlier, if you learn to resolve them, then you don't have to be afraid of the new ones coming.
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: And it's great when there's not problems.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: I mean, that's great, those are wonderful seasons. Those are really a lot of fun. But I think what we've figured out, our problems a lot of times because it made us really focus on something together. It made us work on something together that it did strengthen our marriage.
And in looking back over those things that we didn't like what we were going through, we can look back and see that there was value in those things. Because we did resolve and we did let God work in those, and that made a difference.
Lindsay: Yes, that's really huge. And it's good, too, that you mentioned seasons because I think there're times when things are hard, it's really helpful to remember that this is just a moment. And if you have this issue going on right now, it's not going to last forever. You will work through it, as long as you keep at it and keep working through it.
Dr. Kim: Yes, absolutely.
Lindsay: Yes, a couple of the other unrealistic expectations, I love the ones you mentioned, the sick is hilarious.
Dr. Kim: It seems like every couple goes through that.
Lindsay: Yes, so different. I think one expectation that I had that, what you're saying reminded me, is I expected Brian to be able to read my mind. And this is like, you talked about, "Why doesn't she know she's supposed to be doing this or that?" Well, you never told her and I had a lot of that come up.
Where I just had small things like that, that I would expect for him to have the same, maybe the same table manners. Or the same way of celebrating a holiday that we'd never talked about. And I just expected he would know these things, and he would never have known if I didn't say it.
Dr. Kim: Sure.
Lindsay: And usually I would only say it because I was mad he wasn't reading my mind.
Dr. Kim: Yes, exactly, and, "You're supposed to do it the way we did it." You made a great point there, holidays, tradition, days like that, how you do birthdays.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: I've had couples where birthdays were a huge event, and sometimes it lasted more than one day. And they marry somebody who maybe got one present, and was told happy birthday. And, so, it's so different and you probably don't even think about those things, until you get married. And, so, those things really bring out some differences, and the way we do holidays, and all of those kind of things.
Lindsay: For sure, and it's just learning how to talk about them together, so you can agree, "Is it realistic or not." But as long as it's just only in your mind and not being spoken, you're not going to get anywhere except for frustration.
Dr. Kim: No, you're just going to get mad and think what's wrong with them.
Lindsay: Yes.
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Lindsay: We've touched on this, but how would you say, ultimately, how do these unrealistic expectations affect a marriage?
Dr. Kim: I think that, well, kind of, what you said, "We can't read each other's minds." And, so, I think as long as we don't speak our expectation and we don't discuss our expectation, you're going to continue to have frustration.
You're going to continue to have conflict that's not resolved. And you're going to just begin to... I find sometimes people think, "Did I marry the wrong person?" Well, no, you just haven't worked through these things. So they definitely affect and just the stat that I gave earlier, that those can really wreak havoc on a marriage.
And, so, learning to really spend time thinking about, "What are your expectations for your spouse?"
"What are you expecting?"
"What are their expectations of you?"
"What do you both want out of marriage and what is your real goal in marriage?"
And make sure that you can get on the same page in all those things. And listening to each other, and valuing each other. It's not when you sit down to do that, it's like, "Okay, I got to convince her that I'm right and, yes, I'll listen to her. But we're not doing what she said."
And instead of going, "No, I want to listen to her. I want her to listen to me. And then I want us to see what we can come up with together, to make our marriage better and to make it realistic in the expectations we have for each other."
Lindsay: Mm-hmm. Yes, so that's going to take some work to get those things. First of all, to think through them, but then to talk it through with them as well.
Dr. Kim: Yes, absolutely.
Lindsay: Yes, so I think this begs the question, how do we know if our expectations are realistic?
Dr. Kim: I like to get couples to write them down. And then if we're doing a counseling session, sometimes, I'll give them that as homework. And just have them write down and just to think about it. Take some time, write down all of them, and then being able to talk about them.
What issues are there?
What's realistic and what's not realistic? And something I think might be realistic, Nancy may think, "That's really not realistic."
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: I'm trying to think of an example. Well, probably this one, but on our honeymoon I thought we were supposed to have sex three times a day, and I never gave her that expectation. I never said that to her.
And, so, it was like if we didn't, "What's wrong with you? This is what you're supposed to do on your honeymoon. This is what all my buddies told me they did on their honeymoon." So, I mean, is that realistic or not to do, to have some of those things?
Lindsay: Yes, that's a great example. I was wondering if you were going to let us hear that one on this topic. Because I think that really is a great example of an expectation that might not be realistic.
Dr. Kim: Yes, I just think that we just don't talk about that. And I think, too, the other expectation guys have, sexually, is that our wife has the same sex drive that we do. Well, when you're dating, and you're attracted to each other, and you're both wanting, you're waiting and you're wanting that. It can seem like you both have the same drive, but once you get into marriage, you realize there's going to be some differences there. And, usually, a guy's going to have stronger.
Sometimes I've seen some marriages where the wife had the stronger drive. It's interesting, though, if one has a real strong drive, the other doesn't seem to have the equal drive. I've never seen a couple where they both have the exact.
I think that's just part of God's plan, to help us to understand what makes good sex in a marriage for the husband and for the wife. And, yes, there's some differences there, but we can bring that together. And, so, we're both getting what we need out of the sex relationship in marriage.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm. Yes, and I mean if you get down to saying that out loud. If you had had that conversation with Nancy, ahead of time, maybe you could have discussed, like, "Is this realistic?" But then, at least, it's on the table, and you can revisit it if you change your minds or whatever.
And I think when you're saying, "Write down all your expectations." For somebody, like me, that sounds overwhelming. What I would say to start with, because this is how I would approach it, is to go by category.
Say, "So we're planning the honeymoon. What are our expectations?"
"What schedule, do you imagine, you would like us to keep during the day?"
"Would you like to sleep in?"
"Is your expectation that you'll get up early and seize the day?"
All these little things, start defining these categories of expectations so that it's not just like we have to write down every single thought we've ever had about what we expect. But more specifically, all right, let's tackle this one category. And then that also frees you up to have, if you're expecting some of the same things or pretty close, you can get real excited about them together.
Dr. Kim: Sure, that's a really good point. I think what I want is to have the expectations of what is just right in front of you right now.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: What are you having for either this season, or like you said, the honeymoon, things like that. Because you don't talk about a lot of those things until you get in the middle of it, and you make these assumptions about each other.
And I don't know how many couples talk about how many times they want to have sex on their honeymoon beforehand. Maybe if I told Nancy that she would've run, and we'd never gotten married, I don’t know.
But those are things that are really important to talk about. Because the more you talk about your expectations and find out what's realistic and not, you just eliminate some fights, and conflicts, and frustration, when you do that. So being proactive with it really makes a difference.
Lindsay: Yes, because once you speak it, then your spouse or fiancé has the chance to say, "Oh, yes, I can do that. I never knew you wanted that, I'm happy to." Or they can say, "I don't think that's realistic, but here's what I can do instead." And you can meet in the middle.
Dr. Kim: Yes, and sometimes I think when we verbalize it, we think, "Oh, is that realistic?" It's what's inside our mind and what comes out of our mouths." Just that process can make us think, "Well, that sounds weird."
Lindsay: Yes, certainly, and I think that's a great first step, that's really tangible and actionable wherever you are in your marriage planning process. Or if you're listening, you're already married, or if you're dating, this is a great time to start defining expectations, discussing them, and decide if they are going to work.
Because it's not a deal breaker, if the expectation is not realistic, that's not a deal breaker. It's not even a red flag, necessarily, it's just something you have to negotiate together.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely.
Lindsay: And I think sometimes you can even be positive stuff. I share an expectation with Nancy, and she said, "Well, I haven't thought about that, yes, that's a great idea."
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: That happens too.
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: And, so, it's not always like some of the ones that might be unrealistic, all of a sudden, become realistic. Because you both are on the same page with it.
Lindsay: Yes, and then that's really fun. That's fun to start doing those.
Dr. Kim: Yes, you celebrate those things.
Lindsay: Yes, so if someone is listening right now, and realizing that they do have some expectations that are not realistic. That they've been holding over their spouse or fiancé, what is the next step?
Dr. Kim: Yes, one thing is and, it goes back to what I said just a minute ago. But making it more focused, like you said, "What are your expectations, right now, of this person that you're in a relationship with?"
And when I write things down, and I've done this before, and I go by and just look at each one after I've written them down. And some of them just pop out to me, "This is unrealistic." And I can go ahead and just scratch those off my list.
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: And, so, there's value in that processing, and then the ones that I have left. I can sit down and say, "Hey, let's sit, and can we talk about this? "This is the expectations I have. Are they realistic in your mind? Are they not realistic?" And Nancy and I still do that. It's amazing how you continue to find, because of different things you're doing, you have expectations of each other. And, so, we'll do that just on the fly sometimes.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: Just, "Hey, this was my expectation. Was I totally off base with that?" And then if the other one says, "Yes."
"Well, okay, that makes sense why you got frustrated, and I'm sorry I didn't communicate that to you. Or I just assumed you were going to do that."
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: So I think checking them out with your spouse. Because I think really good, healthy, expectations are ones that are spoken, that you share, that they are realistic. And the ones that are real, expecting your spouse to be faithful throughout your marriage, that's a realistic expectation.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: That's something that you both would buy into. The expectation that you're going to be kind to each other. Well that's a realistic expectation. It may take some time to get there and learning how to deal with some things. Expecting that your spouse is going to listen to you. Which we don't do well, but wanting that as a goal, and maybe that's an expectation you both have.
"We're not doing that very well right now." So that becomes a goal that we really want to work on. Because we know the better we listen to each other the better communication, the better communication the better our marriage.
So that's the process that I would want people to go through. And you want to get to some point there, where you do have these realistic expectations that you both agree on, and then you've got something to really celebrate and enjoy together.
Lindsay: Yes, because it's not just like homework all the time, it's also fun. It's planning, dreaming, getting excited about things. It's something you can have a lot of fun with.
Dr. Kim: It is. It's really fun in counseling, when this is one of the issues that we're working with a couple. And they begin to see the value in communicating on these things and working through those things, and just the difference that alone makes.
I mean, it reduces conflict in the home. It clarifies things for them and they don't feel like they're walking on eggshells. Just a whole lot can come out of just taking the time to process your expectations.
Are they realistic?
Are they unrealistic?
And then moving forward from there.
Lindsay: Yes, totally. I think this would be hugely helpful to work through, together, as a couple.
Dr. Kim: Yes, and make it fun, too. You can make it fun. I mean, some of you may be a little touchy, but you're learning about each other, and you didn't get married, maybe some people do. I didn't get married for Nancy to do everything my way.
Lindsay: Right.
Dr. Kim: And she didn't get married for me to do everything her way. So we've got to learn what works best for us, as a couple, in our marriage, and that becomes our new way of doing things. Because that's what we want, that's why I got married. Not to keep doing the things, I didn't get married to keep my single life going for another whatever period of time.
Lindsay: Right.
Dr. Kim: I got married for the changes that would bring and to have someone do life with. Well, if I'm going to do life with someone, we've got to be on the same page, on most things, most of the time.
Lindsay: Yes, and that's not going to happen by accident, that's the most important thing. You're not going to stumble into understanding each other. You're going to have to actually seek that out and be intentional about it.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely.
Lindsay: And this is not limited to women, but I will just say a note to women: don't fall for the trope that you can just say, "Fine."
"I'm fine." When he asks how you are and that he'll know what fine you're saying that time. There's this idea that it's supposed to be known that, as women, we can speak in code and not say what we mean and expect our fiancé or husband to figure us out, and be intuitive in this way, and I don't think that's realistic.
But I do see that it's really common, it's supported by culture, and it's this idea that, "He should be able to figure out. He should know I'm a woman, it's difficult." Don't play games with him. Don't make him guess. Just be honest and be honest with yourself too.
Dr. Kim: Yes, that's so good and, obviously, as a woman, I'm glad you said it because I think that is true. And, as a guy, I wish we could read minds. There was a movie, a long time ago, Mel Gibson was in, where he heard what women were thinking. And it was just humorous how it just drove him crazy, all the things.
But we can't read each other's minds, and I think that in itself is an unrealistic expectation. And it sets you both up for frustration, and failure, and all kinds of things in that, and it's okay. What I tell people, sometimes, is that share what your expectation is.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And then if they don't do it, then you can get upset. Then we can talk about it in counseling. But if it's just something that you expect them to read your mind and that's your expectation, you're always going to be frustrated. It's just not going to happen.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm, yes, I think that's true, and that goes for every party, each fiancé, each spouse.
Dr. Kim: Yes, it does.
Lindsay: Well, so this has been a helpful conversation about narrowing down our expectations. What's a final piece of advice would you give to our listeners, today?
Dr. Kim: Well, I hope it makes you think a little bit, it did me, just as we were preparing for it. "Do I have some unrealistic expectations in our marriage, right now, of Nancy." And maybe take the time to go through those, to talk about this together. Because the more you can do to make your expectations realistic and that you both understand them, it's going to make your marriage and your life a lot easier.
And, so, figuring out, "Are there any unrealistic expectations there? Is it something that I just haven't even been aware of, but I've been putting that on my spouse?" Take time to look at that and you'll be glad you did, and it can make a difference.
Lindsay: Yes, I think so. Don't be afraid to get in the process.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely.
Lindsay: And I love the encouragement you gave us, that you’ll get these things worked out and the more you work out things together, the stronger your relationship is.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely.
Lindsay: So this has been a really helpful conversation. I hope it's been helpful for you, as you've been listening, preparing for marriage well. Busting this myth that we can expect all these things from our spouse.
If you're engaged or considering marriage, please check out our Prep for Marriage Course. We go into a lot of detail about a lot of really important topics to get on the same page with, and we'll have the link to that in the show notes. Also, don't forget that when you subscribe to the podcast email, you get the show notes.
Plus, resources and some helpful application questions in just one email each week, when the new episodes go live. Thanks for listening, today, for sharing your time with us. Have a great day and do something awesome for your marriage today.
[00:33:35] < Outro >
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[00:34:13] < Music >