Answering Tough Listener Questions | Ep. 536
[00:00:00] < Intro >
Lindsay: Welcome to the Awesome Marriage Podcast. A place for honest conversations and practical advice, on how to build an awesome marriage. I am your podcast producer and co-host Lindsay Few. On the show will be our host, Dr. Kim Kimberling. Dr. Kim is a marriage counselor and has been married for over 50 years. His passion is to help you strengthen your most intimate relationship.
We love getting your questions, comments, and feedback. We get a lot of listener questions through Instagram and through the Anonymous Question button in Dr. Kim's One Thing Email. So make sure you're subscribed to One Thing, where Dr. Kim gives you one simple way to be proactive about growing your marriage each weekday.
We usually take an anonymous question to answer at the end of each podcast episode. But today we're going to take some time to answer some tougher ones, that merit a little more time. So, Dr. Kim, are you ready for some tough questions?
Dr. Kim: I think so.
Lindsay: Okay.
Dr. Kim: I'm ready,
Lindsay: All right, so first question here; "What do you recommend as an approach to tough conversations with a man that never has time? He leaves before five in the morning for work, and he refuses to talk in the morning. The only time we have together is late at night after we get our kids to bed, and we're both too tired by that time to have a productive conversation."
Dr. Kim: That's a good question, and that's not unusual for something like that happens. A lot of times, as guys, we want to avoid those conversations, so we can always put an excuse up. I would try this first, I would set an appointment. Unless he works seven days a week on that schedule, and then it's going to make it much more difficult.
I'm assuming that he has a time off, or a day off, or a weekend off, or something like that, and say, "Hey, I really want to talk to you about this, let's set a time on whatever day it is, where we can come together and talk about this." And, also in that, what's happened in the past, it's hard on all of these a little bit to know, because I don't have a history with the couple. So I don't know what's happened in the past, those kinds of things.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: But if the history in the past, if those kinds of conversations have not gone well, or that your husband feels like you've just attacked him. If those are something that rings true for you, I would say, as you're making the appointment, say, "I know I haven't done this well in the past. This time, I'm really praying about it, I really want to do it different, and I really do feel these are things that are important for us to talk about." And take that approach with it.
So you know what do you want to accomplish out of that meeting if it's just for him to agree with you. Make sure that it's something that's important, and it's going to help you grow your marriage, and how you're going to communicate it.
And then share your concerns and make sure that they understand what you're saying. And then say, "Okay, let's talk about solutions. What can we do to make this better?" But the key is to see if your spouse will set an appointment with you, set a time. And sometimes it just makes it easier.
Sometimes if Nancy wants me to do something or say something, she catches me off guard. My mind may be a million miles away and that really isn't the best time. So sometimes when you have an appointment set, at least, you know, "Okay, we're going to have that time. We're going to take that time." And it's already set aside.
Lindsay: So would you say, "I want to set an appointment and I have something tough to talk about?" Or how would you phrase that?
Dr. Kim: Well, I would say something like, "We seem to always have trouble finding the time to really talk about things that are important. I've got something that's really important to me that I really would like to talk to you about. Can we figure out a time to do that? And then we'll both set it down on our calendars, and we'll make that time." And if you ask questions you can say, "It is about whatever, and I am going to handle it different than I did in the past." Whatever else needs to be said there.
Lindsay: That's really good. Yes, that's great advice, that's so good. I agree, too, having things just like off the cuff, especially if you're tired, it's earlier, or it’s late, and it is not easy to have a good resolve then.
Dr. Kim: No, we went through a deal where, and it was when the kids were little, and we were so busy and stuff. And Nancy, for a while, was trying to talk about things after we got in bed at night.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And I just wasn't very good at that. I was tired, and sometimes I'd fall asleep while she was talking, which did not help the situation at all.
Lindsay: No
Dr. Kim: And, so, we just finally realized that, "Hey, we've got to find a different time to do this." I mean, I could have put my, but I'm still not going to be at my best then.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And if it's something that's important to her, I really want to be at my best when we're talking about it.
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: So if your spouse really shares with, "This really isn't the best time." To respect that. As long as they're willing to set another time to meet, and that they're faithful to do that.
Lindsay: Yes, that's huge. That's a great thing, if they're willing to set that time, that is a great signifier that you do want to be on the same page, you do.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely, and it seems like it's usually the guys that avoid the conversations, sometimes it's reversed. So just for the guys that if your wife is really wanting to talk to you about something, it's really important that you take the time to do that. And that you don't do it just as, "Okay, this is a box I'm checking off." No, that you really do listen to her. Try to hear what she's saying and try to engage with her on that, and come up with something that works for your marriage.
Lindsay: Yes, that's good. Engagement was definitely a crucial piece there, for sure.
Dr. Kim: Yes.
Lindsay: Yes, and you mentioned something before when you were starting to answer the question about this. But do you feel, as a counselor, so when you're working with a couple, they're not just dropping in a question like what we're doing here. You have all the history, and background, and I'm sure that's a different approach.
Dr. Kim: It does, because, over time, you get to know somebody or even if it's a first appointment, they fill out an intake. So you have an idea where they're coming from, when they come in for that first session.
And, so, yes, we're getting these and we don't know any background, and that's why I'm trying to make it a little broader than the questions. So, hopefully, to touch a little more of where it really is. But it's a little bit more difficult, but I love the questions. I'm so thankful that people are comfortable sending those to us.
Lindsay: Yes, they're great questions. We definitely love hearing from everyone who sent them in, so we appreciate it. Okay, question number two, "How can I handle my deep uncomfortable feelings, as a wife, when it seems like half the world is dressing half-naked?"
Dr. Kim: Yes, aren't they? Seriously, Nancy and I just got back from the beach about a month ago. It seems like every time we go... I think the people who make bathing suits, they got to be making a bigger profit. Because they're using much less fabric than they used to use.
Lindsay: That is true.
Dr. Kim: But you always go back, and our culture is not very good to women. We always have, I don't know, we put something out as an image that is unrealistic. When I first read about some model years ago and how they airbrushed her pictures, and you're thinking, "Okay, everybody thinks this is the perfect model."
They're airbrushing her, I mean, seriously, so what we have up there is unrealistic, anyway.
I think you've got to know as a woman that God did create you perfectly. That you are created by Him, and don't compare yourself to the world. Don't what the world says define you.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And share your feelings with your spouse, how you feel in that. Let him be involved in that. If Nancy felt like that in some way, I would want to know that. I would want to, then, do everything I can to let her know how beautiful she is to me, and how attractive she is, and how much that I love her and care for her, and that I don't compare her to other people.
I think she is beyond compare. And when you love someone, you see beauty in them, no matter what the world might define beauty as, and really your spouse is the only one you really need to please anyway. And if your spouse is affirming you all that kind of thing, then, rejoice in that and don't get comparison.
And I know it's easier for me to say that than for a woman to do that, because it's all over the place all the time. But just know that God created you perfectly and you're married to someone that chose you out of all the people that they could have chosen, and you chose them too.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: So I think it's tough, and as a woman, how do you see it? It's just a really tough deal, and you guys live on a beach.
Lindsay: We do.
Dr. Kim: So you have people that are half-naked, probably, a lot more than half-naked.
Lindsay: Yes, and probably a lot more commonly than most people are used to being around beach attire, we're used to, it's tough. I feel like I struggle with that, with parenting, because I have three boys and they see things you wouldn't want them to see, frankly. In marriage, I feel very secure in trusting Brian and trusting that he is not trying to look at everyone. I trust that he's not comparing me, but that's a trust issue. So I think if there were trust gaps in marriage, that would be harder. If there had been past issues that spoke to that, that would make it a lot harder.
Dr. Kim: Yes.
Lindsay: But it is jarring sometimes to know, as a woman... we're a Christian couple and Brian is a man of God, he's a pastor. He is intentionally trying to discipline his mind, and his eyes, and guard his eyes and heart. And it's still hard because we're faced with just half-naked people left and right.
And, so, I think that assuming as a wife that you're on the same page, as believers, that you want to guard your eyes, you want to guard your heart, that's just a great place to trust. And, also, looking and realizing that a lot of people don't realize what they're portraying, I don't think that they really do.
I really don't think that a lot of the young women who are dressing, or women of any age, who are dressing with a ton of skin showing. I don't think they're aware, a lot of times, how it's coming across maybe. I think maybe they're thinking it looks cute. Maybe it does look cute but I don't think that they're aware of how sexually it comes across at times.
Dr. Kim: Yes.
Lindsay: I'm not sure I might be wrong about that, but I don't think that's-
Dr. Kim: No, I think you're right. Especially seeing that in some of the... I've got a 13-year-old granddaughter and just seeing some of the things, if we go shopping, the things that she thinks are cute. Now, she's very modest in what she buys. But she sees something trendy and cute and considers it, at least, just because it is.
And, so, there's a lot of innocence in that because it's cute. To me, if I go to the beach, I can tell the ones who just are wearing the bathing suit because that's what's in style. And you can also see the ones that are wearing it because they want everybody to look at them, and you can almost tell the difference when you-
Lindsay: And sometimes you see them taking a lot of selfies and that gives it away.
Dr. Kim: Yes, it was fun when we were at the beach, in the Caribbean, a few weeks ago, and there was a young lady, and she was a very attractive young lady. Oh, my gosh, her camera was in front of her the whole time we saw her.
And we were eating and they were eating where we were. She was taking pictures of her, the meal, the food buyer, and all the kinds of stuff. And maybe she's a social media somebody that I didn't know. And, so, she may be very famous and I didn't pick up on it.
Lindsay: Yes, I always think that's funny when you see a lot of selfies. They even have somebody else there taking the pictures like, "Okay, we get it."
Dr. Kim: Yes, well, and she did, she got one of the guys that serve people on the beach, and she had him following her around all the time-
Lindsay: Oh, man, it's funny though, when someone has objectified themselves. They have put themselves out to be looked at, and viewed, as a piece of entertainment or whatever it is. Whatever it is that goes along with that, it's hard not to also objectify.
But as a spouse, we can't assume the worst of our husband. We can't assume the worst of ourselves. We can't assume that, "Oh, he's comparing me." We can't assume, "I'm less than” or whatever. That's just not our place. And when we do that, we're also objectifying that person, when we're comparing ourselves to them.
And, so, we just have to get our own worries and fears, like you were saying Dr. Kim, just be assured that your husband chose you. But also open the conversation, if you feel uncomfortable, it's fine to talk about, that's a great thing to talk about.
Dr. Kim: Right, absolutely, and, as guys, we need to be conscious of that. That our women live in a culture that's very different toward women. We don't really understand all that because men usually aren't objectified. There are all those different things, and we're not fashion-conscious like women are usually, all that kind of stuff.
And, so, I think just being aware of that most women, at least, that's something there. And to make sure that your wife knows how beautiful she is to you, and how you're attracted to her in her own way. And one of the things that I suggest, and I prayed for years, is that my sexual desire would only be for Nancy and God answered that prayer.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And, so, the other thing is if you're out and say someone that doesn't have a lot of clothes on, and they're walking by. As a guy, you can't stop what gets in your field of vision sometimes. But you can stop what you do with it, what the next step is, and that's to bounce your eyes, get away from that. If a wife gets upset because a woman walks in front of your husband and he looks at her, well, she's right in front of him, don't get mad about that.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: Now, if he continues to look at her or he starts following her, then, you get upset about it.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: But I've had some couples, at times, where the wife, even if somebody's attractive and even she thinks he looks at someone, gets upset. And, so, guys just continue to make your wife feel very secure until she is, and in your love and attraction to her. I think we can help them battle that as well as anything, and then with their relationship of God.
Lindsay: Yes, for sure, and suspicion doesn't help here, and that's why I think having the conversation is helpful. Because you don't need to be suspicious. Like you said, if something is in the field of vision it's not the same as seeking it out or lingering on it.
Dr. Kim: Exactly.
Lindsay: Yes, that's a tough one, and you had some really good, good advice on that, Dr. Kim.
Dr. Kim: It is a tough one.
Lindsay: Yes, next question, this one says, "Dr. Kim, I really appreciate The Awesome Marriage podcast and all you do. Communication is in a rough place in my marriage, I feel it's only needed on one end.
My wife asks where I am or wants to discuss my whereabouts for the day, and I don't have those questions or concerns for her. I asked, 'Is there an expectation for informing each other what we're doing each day?' But got no reply?
What can I do within myself not to feel controlled? I share what needs to be shared. If she asks the question, I answer the question, but I don't agree with having a discussion about what I'm doing."
Dr. Kim: That's tough, and I guess one thing I'd want to know is, has there been a trust issue in the past? Is there a reason that she's asking these things? And if there is, if that's the case, then I think you've got to address it from that standpoint of if you're trying to rebuild trust, then, you need to be very accountable, for a long time, maybe the rest of your marriage to rebuild that.
And the other thing, I think, there's something there, I just feel like there's something missing in there. But I get not wanting to be controlled. I get that guys usually share less than their wives do. And I think there's something in being married to someone, there's just a courtesy, maybe is the right word, that you talk about your day, or you know where each other is.
I don't know where Nancy is every minute but we go over our schedules every week, and I know she's at a Bible study or she's having lunch with someone. I mean, I know the general things that she's doing.
And, for me, in that I can follow up when I get home that night and we're talking and say, "How was your lunch with Mary? How'd that go? I know you haven't seen her in a long time. I know she was going through hard time, what have happened?"
So it gives you a chance to connect. I think, too, with this situation, counseling would probably be helpful, maybe, to get everything on the table. And just before you can talk about some things with a counselor. As a husband, one of the things that makes a difference, for me, if I pray that God helps me to be the husband that Nancy needs that day.
Lindsay: Mm.
Dr. Kim: And then if Nancy asks me something, I don't feel controlled. I feel like my response is being a good husband to her. And, so, it helps my obedience go to God instead of feeling my wife is being controlling or trying to run my life, or something like that.
And most of the time, what I learned, Nancy always asks a lot of questions, and for years I took that as she didn't trust me in things. And finally, I realized, "No, she's trying to understand what I'm saying and doing, so she can come alongside me."
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: That was a huge switch for me because I really felt like, "Well, she just wants to control everything." And then when I realized, "No, she's just trying to understand so she can be more on my team than she already is." That was a huge thing.
So, to me, being the husband that God wants me each day, or striving to do that, takes a lot of those other things that can be friction out of a relationship because I'm doing what God wants me to do as a husband.
Lindsay: Yes, that's a great tip for anybody. A great prayer to pray that could really change things, that's a great piece of advice.
Dr. Kim: Yes, it does, and when I've suggested that to guys, it just makes a difference. I think just like the praying for your sexual desire to be only for your wife. I think there are some prayers like that, that God, well, I think God answers every prayer, but He really honors prayers like that. Because that is going to make your marriage better, and we know how God looks at marriage.
Lindsay: Yes, absolutely, I mean, it's following along with Scripture, and, so, you already know it's exactly within His will.
Dr. Kim: Yes.
Lindsay: That's good. I agree with what you're saying, it feels like something might be missing here. It feels like that or maybe when I read the question and I see the question, "What do I do to not feel controlled?" I think it's a really good point you brought up that maybe that feeling is just a feeling.
It's not her actually trying to be controlling, and I think that's something to revisit. Is this just a common courtesy thing, you want to know what's going on in my day? Because I think that's a very fair thing for spouses to expect of each other.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely. I mean, I want to know what's going on in Nancy's day. I don't know every detail, and she needs to know what's going in my day.
Lindsay: Totally. When you guys are like, in our house too, we don't have a job where we're in the exact same place all the hours of all the days. We go to different locations, have different types of things going on. And, so, I always ask about Brian's day, not because I'm just nosy, but I'm curious. I'm always curious about everything, I want to know where you're going.
"How is it going to be? Are you looking forward to it? Is it drudge? Do you not want to talk about this? That's fine too." I'm just curious. So I could see that being annoying, but it's just how it is.
Dr. Kim: Well, you get in the habit, and we got in the habit early, of sharing our day, and that was just what we do. I don't think we ever felt as though it was prying into each other. And as we grew in our marriage and matured spiritually, then, it gave us things to know to pray about.
If Nancy was going to meet with somebody, and it's somebody having a hard time, I could pray about her for that. She can pray about if she knows I've got a big counseling load that day, that she can pray about that. Or if I'm going to speak somewhere that she can be praying for me with that.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And, so, really this is a way to connect when you're not together. And really I was reading the Scripture this morning, where Paul says, "The two become one." And he calls it a great mystery, which I think it is.
But I think the more you do things that connect you, the more that two become one becomes more than just the physical relationship. It becomes just really that oneness that you have together and that you really care for each other. You have your individuality but that thing that God has put together is very special.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm, yes, I think it's an easy way to build that oneness, that relational thing. But also the trust piece is important, like you mentioned, if there's a previous trust gap, that's definitely something to address.
Dr. Kim: It's a different story.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm, yes.
[00:21:37] < Music >
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[00:22:52] < Music >
Lindsay: Okay, so our next question, number four, this one's a little longer, so I'll just read the whole thing, a lot of context. "What do I need to do to be able to trust my husband with our finances, again? We have a blended family.
My husband had three kids before meeting me and when we got together, I began helping him pay child support. He made a decision in our business that led to us being over $60,000 in debt. I find myself the only one working. I had the understanding that I would support our family while he got our businesses up and going, and six months later we have no business.
I'm paying his child support and I have to figure out how to pay the debt and pay for the lifestyle of his choosing because he refuses to downsize. For the past year, I've been resentful. I don't trust his financial decision-making and I believe he feels disrespected, and less of a man because I currently don't trust him. So is there any advice you have for what I need to be doing differently to save my marriage?"
Dr. Kim: Well, that's heavy.
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: A lot of things going through my mind, and probably just from counseling experience, that I think of one lady that I counseled with years ago. And she was in a similar situation and by the time she finally separated from him, she had been debt free, she owned her house.
She was probably $30,000 in debt, and she was going to have to move all these kinds of things, and the guy just used her. And I'm not saying that's the situation, but this sounds very one-sided. That you're doing everything, and he's not doing much. I guess he tried to start a business with the money that you, obviously, it seems like agreed to, but it didn't work out.
So a couple of things, I think you need to see a Christian counselor. I think you need to see a financial advisor. And, to the woman who's saying this, I would do that whether your husband is willing to go or not.
You need to figure out where you are, and you need to figure out what your options are, and you need to have someone that can help you walk through some things right now because it sounds like you're in a pretty crucial space.
You guys are really in debt, you got kids, you're paying his child support. So really you're taking care of him, and I don't see anything in there that says he's not capable of work, or that he's not capable of having a job, or holding a job. But it doesn't say that he's doing any of those things. As long as he keeps doing what he's doing, talk about trust, you're not going to trust him.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: I mean, you just can't trust someone that's not trustworthy. And, so, if he's not making the effort. If he's not willing to say, "Okay, what do we do to get out of this debt? We do need to downsize for a period of time till we get this paid off, and then we can do this or we need to make these sacrifices." If he's not willing to do those with you, then, the trust isn't going to be rebuild. This would be something that you should be working on together.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And it sounds like you've taken care of everything from the beginning. You've taken care of his kids from his first marriage or previous marriage, and now you're in debt, and it sounds like you're working and he's not, that's not healthy. And it may, honestly, come, everybody knows I don't believe in divorce, but sometimes separation is important.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And that's why I want you to talk to a Christian counselor. It may be something that's a separation till things get back on track, for him to realize, kind of, a wake-up call, and become the husband that God created him to be. Because it doesn't seem like he's doing that right now.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: It's like what Dr. Phil say is, "How's this working for you?" Well, it's not working very good right now.
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: Whether you like Dr. Phil or not. But I do think that's a good question to ask. This really isn't working for you right now in this marriage. It doesn't sound like there's much positive that's going on at all, certainly, from this.
Lindsay: No, so those are really great steps to see the counselor, to see a financial advisor. She's asking for a change of how to respect him or something like that. What do you say about that part?
I think it's hard to respect someone that doesn't earn it. I think there's a responsibility, if I want Nancy to respect me, I have a responsibility in that.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: I just can't sit around and do nothing or cause problems, or argue all the time, and then say, "Hey, you better respect me. Why aren't you respecting me?" Well, I haven't given her any reason at all to respect me.
And, so, I think respect is something that is important for a man to be respected, but I think we've got to earn that in a realistic way. We did a podcast on unrealistic expectations, so they've got to be realistic. It's got to be realistic expectations as far as that, but that needs to be a part of it.
Lindsay: Yes, it sounds like it almost has become a caretaking relationship. Like you said, Dr. Kim, it sounds like almost a parent/child in a way because she's taking care of all these different things, and I would imagine that would feel less manly for a husband to be in that situation.
But he would have to do something to get out of that role, in order to maybe get some self-respect going on there.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely, and that's a really good point. I think, as a guy, I believe we are meant to work. I believe there are certain things that God intends us to do in taking care of our family, being responsible in those areas. And when you're not doing that, you don't usually feel like very good about yourself.
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: That's been my experience in working with men in those situations. They don't feel very good about themselves at all.
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: And, so, I've gone a little farther reading some things in, is he depressed? Is there something like that? Then get help, go to a doctor, get on medication if you need to.
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: Where's the spiritual part of this? Are you guys in a church? Is he around other men that are speaking into him? Does he have an accountability partner? All of those things can make a difference and could help that trust, and respect to be rebuilt.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: But she can't make him do that.
Lindsay: Right.
Dr. Kim: He's got to take the first steps; she can encourage him. But he needs to take those steps and, honestly, she doesn't need to arrange everything for him.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: She can make some suggestions and then he's the one who needs to follow through. He's the one who needs to make the appointment with the counselor, the financial advisor, or his pastor, or to find a friend that he wants to be an accountability partner with. He's going to take some steps there too, and until he does, it's going to be very difficult to respect him or to trust him.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm. Yes, I also think that in his situation it sounds pretty comfy. It doesn't sound like there's a lot of motivation because everything's taken care of for him. So it sounds horrific for her because she's bearing every stress, it sounds like. But for him, it sounds like a pretty good situation if you just want to be taken care of.
So there's got to be some motivator there to get things shifted up, and I'm not sure what that would be. I do think a counselor or a financial advisor would probably provide that, or someone who would speak into that in a more specific way.
Dr. Kim: No, I agree, it just puts her in a tough situation too, and something needs to change.
Lindsay: Yes, I think so, and I hope that it does. And for each of these questions, we are praying for these couples. We respond with prayer, and they know that, and they're tough, but we also do believe that there's hope for every single marriage.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely.
Lindsay: Yes, and I know, Dr. Kim, you've seen a lot of miraculous things happen in marriages over the years, which is awesome.
Dr. Kim: Yes, I've seen couples in similar situations. I saw one couple where it was reversed, the wife had caused all the debt, but they're working it. Again, you got to go through, it's really a grief issue to start with when life doesn't go the way you thought it was. Not like somebody died, but it really is.
You didn't expect to be $60,000 in debt, taking care of his kids, but you are. And, so, now what do you do? How do you handle that? How do you let God work in that to bring something good? But you got to be working on it together.
Lindsay: Yes, and it sounds like so far they're not. So that would be the first step, is to get together on this; start working together.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely.
Lindsay: Okay, our next question is, "My husband and I have been married for almost four years. We have two very young children. He plays video games and I abhor them.
Every time he goes on the computer, I immediately have a bad attitude with him. I don't like how much time he spends on the computer, and I feel like he leaves me to fend for myself with the two children throughout the day.
At night, he stays up late playing video games with his brothers online. He's expressed that hanging out with them in this way is very important to him, and he wishes I would stop complaining about it. I ask why they can't play earlier. They start playing around 11:00 pm and go until two or 3:00 am, and that leads to him not waking up until noon the next day. Then the whole cycle starts again.
I would like to go to bed together. I would like to spend time together, after our kids go to bed, and wake up in the morning together before the kids. I have these desires and I feel like video games are getting in the way, which makes me dislike them even more.
I want him to spend time with his brothers but not in this way. I want there to be a resolve here, and I want us to be in agreement, and it seems like we'll never come up with a solution we're both happy with, and that's very discouraging."
Dr. Kim: Yes, it's interesting, the video game thing seems to come up a lot, and causes problems a lot of time. Because, as guys, we could get so involved in that, that we forget the other responsibilities that we have, which I think it sounds like his. If this couple came to counseling the first thing I'd want to know... my guess is that they weren't always like this.
Lindsay: Mh-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And, so, what happened in their marriage? When did this split come? Was it after you had kids, and then you're taking care the kids, and he feels left out and, so, then he started doing the video games? What caused you to go separate ways, anyway? Which is what you're doing. Because I think it's a really good example of not putting God first and your spouse second.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: Which we talk about all the time because if you're doing that, it solves a lot of the problems. And I think with this couple is there a compromise? Time with his brothers is probably a good time, he probably needs that.
Does he need to do it that time of night, or does he need to do it that many hours, or every day? Probably not. Maybe if he does it from 11 to 12, it gives you the evening together. Maybe you go to bed at 10, and he lays with you, and then he gets up, and he plays his games and comes back to bed. I mean, look for some things that would work for both of you.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: Are his brothers married? If they're single, they're not worried about that. Or if they're married, maybe their wives are feeling the same thing that you're feeling and whatever. Those three do not seem to be communicating to each other that, "We need to change if this is causing a problem for us."
They're enjoying what they're doing, I get that. But it sounds like it's really out of balance, and it's bleeding over a lot of other things in this marriage relationship. Counseling would help, to have somebody where you can get things on the table and help you really, practically, knowing the whole situation, come to a solution could be very helpful.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: I mean on the surface it looks like, to me, that he's being very selfish. It sounds like it pretty much is what he wants and not really considered of what you want. And over time resentment builds up and the more that goes on, the more resentment's going to build up because you're human. I mean, you just can't continue to ignore that. So can you find a balance and, then, what does that look like?
Lindsay: Mh-hmm.
Dr. Kim: Because the situation you're in now is just a really destructive situation, for both of you. He's not connecting with you, so he's missing out on the marriage even though he doesn't sound like he's initiating or wanting a lot of that, but there is a void there.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: Definitely, you're not getting what you want out of your marriage relationship. And, so, it's like one of those things, if you've got two kids, and you've been married four years, and in 16 more years those kids leave, and you don't even know each other if you keep it like this. Even if you make it that long, I mean, something's got to change.
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: He's got to... I would want to know how much does he engage with the kids? Is he doing his role as a father in that, too? So a lot of unhealthy things I think are going on. I get her frustration. I understand her wanting to be in the Word with him. I’d ask are you going to church together? Are you in a small group?
Being in the community group could be really helpful. It's where he can see what other men are doing or not doing. And most of the young guys that I see that are married, a lot of them play video games because they grew up with it. My generation we didn't grow up with that many. I played them with my kids, but I think all we had was Pong-
Lindsay: But admit it, you can't play that for four hours.
Dr. Kim: No.
Lindsay: That would not be fun.
Dr. Kim: Yes. Oh and that came out, where am I taking myself, that was huge. I mean, at places, restaurants and stuff, they had the little tables set up so you could play Pong. But if you've done a lifestyle, okay, I'm not saying you got to give that up, but you got to put some parameters around it.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: If you're going in and you're spending hours on that, then you're missing out on something. And it sounds like it's the relationship with your wife, it's praying with your wife, it's going to bed at the same time with your wife. It's listening to her, having time for intimacy, not just physical intimacy, but all other kinds of intimacy too. Just connecting and listening and those kinds of things.
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: So, counseling is almost a must, and if I was this person, I would suggest that they ask around. Maybe their pastor, someone, find a really good Christian counselor, and then make an appointment. And if he won't go with her, that first appointment, go by yourself.
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: And then the counselor can then help you in dealing with this and then, hopefully, at some point he'd be willing to come into counseling with you.
Lindsay: Yes, that's a good place to start.
Dr. Kim: And I've seen that happen a lot too.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: Sometimes it's just something needs to change, and you're probably the one who's going to. I don't think he's going to make the change on his own.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: So, you're going to have to do some things to take better care of yourself.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm, yes, that's a great piece of advice. And that's something we do refer to often because we've seen it often enough. One person starts making some changes, it's obviously already on your mind, you're already asking us about it, so you're poised to begin. You don't have to wait for him to be ready to start shifting some things.
Dr. Kim: Exactly, and if one person makes some changes, that does affect the other person and, hopefully, eventually, it's in a positive way.
Lindsay: Yes, and I feel hopeful. I know that a lot of times these questions, it's easy to ask a question online when you're in a moment of frustration, and you are able to anonymously ask over the internet. It's a very easy place to start, but we're saying this is legitimate to bring up to a counselor. I'm glad you asked, I'm so glad each one of these people has asked the question.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely.
Lindsay: But don't write it off. You get the answer or whatever we give, but it is going to take some work to get out of these tough situations, but it is well worth it. It's worth it. And we affirm that you can take these steps and make some changes, and you can see some growth happen.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely.
Lindsay: Yes, so this has been a tough conversation, but it's been a helpful one too. Do you have any final piece of advice for our listeners today?
Dr. Kim: Well, I agree with what you said. I'm so thankful for the people that ask us the questions. I love trying to answer them, and I hope this has been helpful with the information that we've got. What it shows me is that and, hopefully, other people say, "We all have problems in marriage." Nobody has a perfect marriage. The problems vary, there are different things. If you're working on your problems together, all of these questions that we got today there are answers for that.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And the key is, I hope if you're having struggles in your marriage now, is that you decide, "We got to do this together, and we're going to do whatever it takes to make our marriage what God designed it to be."
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: Whether it's a counselor, "I need to make changes, my spouse needs to make changes, that we're committed to making this work." And once you make that commitment together, things can begin to fall into place, and you're allowing God to come in and work. Where in some of these situations, in some ways, the door is closed by one or both to God, and He's really the one who has the way out, who has the answers.
Lindsay: Yes, He does, it's true, and He loves your spouse more than you do. He loves your marriage, He's for your marriage, and when you're praying in line with His values, you're going to see things change. It's going to be so good.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely, well said.
Lindsay: Well, thanks, Dr. Kim, for speaking into all these issues. I'm so glad we have your expertise to lean on from so many years of counseling. If you have any questions you'd like Dr. Kim to tackle, make sure you subscribe to The One Thing Email. In addition to a Daily Marriage Builder, we also have great bonus resources that are only available to subscribers.
So we'll have that link in the show notes. And don't forget that if you are subscribed to the podcast email, then you get the show notes and other resources all sent right to you whenever our episodes go live.
So look for that link in the show notes as well, to sign up for the podcast email, and for The One Thing Email. Thanks for listening and sharing our time with us today. Have a great day and do something awesome for your marriage today.
[00:40:57] < Outro >
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