Adam & Kristi's Affair Recovery Story | Ep. 539
[00:00:00] < Intro >
Lindsay: Welcome to The Awesome Marriage Podcast. A place for honest conversations and practical advice, on how to build an awesome marriage. I am your podcast producer and co-host, Lindsay Few. On the show will be our host, Dr. Kim Kimberling. Dr. Kim is a marriage counselor and has been married for over 50 years. His passion is to help you strengthen your most intimate relationship.
Lindsay: Welcome to the podcast. We are so happy to be back with you, in the new year. And today on the show we get to share a real marriage story. Adam and Kristy, are a couple that Dr. Kim counseled as their marriage was recovering from infidelity. And in this episode, you'll just hear from the two of them sharing their story. We pray this is encouraging and helpful to you and your marriage.
Adam: I grew up in a pastor's home, so we were at church, at least, three times a week. And my parents were incredible role models for us kids. I have a brother and a sister. There was never any instability or any fighting, anything abnormal. We just had a really great upbringing, great parents. I had a really good connection with my dad. We did a lot of outdoor stuff together, so it was really just a great upbringing.
Kristy: And then I grew up in more of a, I don't, necessarily, want to say unstable environment. But I guess if you call it what it is, it's more of an unstable environment. I grew up moving around. My dad was in oil and gas, so he would leave for months at a time. And my parents, they stayed married, but they were always unstable.
We'd move in with my grandma, sometimes, we'd just move around and it would just be up and down and all over the place. With my dad traveling, there'd be months where I didn't see him or speak to him, and my mom would take on the sole responsibility of raising us. My parents, definitely, fought more openly and drank quite a bit. But all that said, I knew that they loved me and they did the best they could for me and my brother.
Adam: As an adult, again, I was just so blessed to have a great example of what a godly marriage was. That I don't have a whole lot of negative perceptions of marriage from my upbringing. I think the only thing, for me, and it may be more of a personality thing, is that just being in church from such a young age, there was good and there was evil. It was black and white. There was wrong and right.
And, so, I never really lived life in the gray. It was just this or that. And, so, I think as an adult, that shaped my reality a lot. We were either married or we weren't. We had a good marriage or we didn't. And, so, in my mind, we had a great marriage. But I really didn't have anything from my parents or from their example that negatively impacted me.
Kristy: Yes, I definitely agree with that. For my upbringing, I would say as an adult, it taught me how to deal with difficult people. How to be more adaptable. But also how to have more grace and, maybe, tolerance for people who may be going through something or in a difficult situation.
I think when you grow up with parents who are alcoholics, you tend to want to help people more, and step into situations where maybe you might not need to. Where you should take a backseat more. But there were pros and cons, but definitely I can see both ways how it taught me some good things. But then it also taught me some bad habits.
We met at a bible study that Life Church did, way back in the day, called Day Three. It was a city-wide college bible study, and we saw each other there. I wanted to meet him, he was cute. And we had a mutual friend, so we met through that Bible study.
Adam: Mm-hmm. Yes, I was actually kind of dating another girl at the time, I was there with her. And our mutual friend came up to me and she said, "Hey, someone wants to meet you."
And I was like, "Okay, is it a dude, or a girl, or what?" It was a super pretty girl, so I was pleasantly surprised. She said about two words. So it was like, "Hi, I'm Kristy." That was about it, so that's how we met.
Kristy: I feel like our dating relationship was really good. It was quick, to the point, I guess. Nothing like-
Adam: We kind of skipped past dating.
Kristy: Yes, I would say so. We dated maybe a year, and got engaged, and we were married about six months later or a year later.
Adam: A year later.
Kristy: Mm-hmm, and, so, it was quick. And would you say it was a healthy dating relationship, or?
Adam: Well, I think, there were some things, obviously, we could have done better. But I think overall it was probably a pretty good dating relationship. Spiritually, we had boundaries, but like other dating couples, sometimes, we pushed the limits a little bit, but I think overall it was a good dating relationship.
Kristy: Yes, I was 19 and Adam was?
Adam: I was 21.
Kristy: And, so, we got married when I was 20, so pretty young. And you were 22 when you got married.
Adam: Yes, 22.
Kristy: The first years, we differed on perspective in our first years. Hindsight, I can look back and see more of his perspective. But the first years, Adam ended up getting a job as a worship pastor in a different city.
And, so, we moved to a different city. And meanwhile I was in nursing school up here, in Edmond, so we moved down there. But, yet, he stayed down there and had his friends down there. And I stayed up here and stayed with some of my girlfriends, and went to nursing school, and I got a job up here.
And, so, there was, in my mind, some separation as far as he did his own thing, I did my own thing. And, so, in a way, it didn't feel like, maybe, a first year was designed to go. I mean, it was the first year that we created for ourselves. But we did the best we could, being young. But there was, definitely, some things looking back that were detrimental to starting out a relationship.
Adam: Yes, I felt like, "Okay, we're married, this is it. We're having a good time. I'm working a lot, she's in school." So, yes, we saw each other three or four times a week, maybe lived under the same roof for a couple of days out of the week. But, yes, the majority of it we were in two different places. And, so, looking back on it now, I see that that wasn't healthy, that it didn't really allow us to form just a really deep, intimate bond.
Kristy: Mm-hmm.
Adam: It was more of, almost a partnership, really. Here's what I'm responsible for, here's what you are doing, and then we'll meet up when we can.
Kristy: Yes.
Adam: So it became less of a relationship, it was more of a partnership, I think.
Kristy: Yes, definitely. And then there was also starting out some views; Adam was really great with money and money management. He got into Dave Ramsey early on in our marriage. And, so, he was big into this futuristic goal of financial freedom and having everything paid for. And I grew up a little more spoiled than he did.
And, so, immaturity on my part left me more frustrated with his financial decisions that he made. For instance, I had a new car when we got married, with a car payment. But him being the provider of our family thought it was best to go ahead and not have any debt, which I agree with now. But at 20-years-old, looking back, I was a little immature when it came to that.
So there were some things that we didn't, necessarily, agree on and weren't on the same page that I think caused quite a bit of a rift in the beginning.
And I know all marriages start out and you have to blend two people into one vision, and work towards that goal. But I don't feel like we had the tools to blend that vision and work in a healthy direction towards those goals. I feel like it was more, I had something in mind, he had something in mind. He went ahead and sold my car without me knowing, and I didn't have the maturity to get on board with that.
Adam: So my advice to young husbands would be, go ahead and get buy-in and input from your spouse before making large decisions, like selling your wife's car. Instead of valuing her input and bringing her into the decision. I just thought, "Well, hey, this is what's best for us, let's just do this and she'll be great with it." And the error that I made was her dad had bought that car for her, before we'd gotten married. So, in a way, in her mind, it was a gift from her dad.
And, so, here we go, we get married, and big provider husband comes in and he's like, "Nope, I'm selling it, we're getting rid of it. And here you go, here's your little Honda Accord with the loud exhaust because it's paid for, it's cash, here you go." And, so, yes, looking back on it, definitely, I should have been more consideration and input from her on that.
Kristy: Well, and I think, too, back to our upbringings, that's how I interpreted love from my dad. He was gone quite a bit, but every time he came back, I was showered with gifts and spoiled. And, so, I feel like gifts and nice things were from my dad, and l how I felt loved.
So, in a way, I felt unloved, but wasn't able to communicate that to Adam in a healthy way. And then another example would be we moved to Stillwater and a friend of ours had let us move into, basically, a shack. It was a-
Adam: It was built at the turn of the century, 1900s farmhouse, with a tin metal roof.
Kristy: Infested with ladybugs.
Adam: Yes, there was ladybugs all over the place, in the fall or in the spring, I mean, it was crazy.
Kristy: No heating our air.
Adam: But it was free.
Kristy: So in Adam's mind it was free, once again, more towards the direction of debt free and financial freedom. And then I looked at that and just saw the worst possible scenario. And, so, that led to him staying in Stillwater more and me just staying with girlfriends up in Edmond, while I went to nursing school. So, once again, more of a detachment from each other.
Adam: Mm-hmm.
Kristy: Okay, so what happened? We were at a place where we had three kids. We were moving and found ourselves in a busy season of life. And it was one of those things where I attached more to my friends, and started putting my friends ahead of my spiritual life, ahead of my family. I spent a lot of time with one girlfriend, and she might not have been in the best place in her marriage, and things were chaotic in my marriage.
So it turned into more of us being able to relate in the sense that we both had... she was struggling in her marriage. So then I thought, "Well, maybe I'm struggling in my marriage." And you go down this road, "Well, yes, maybe, things aren't right with me and Adam. Maybe things aren't going in the direction I want them to go." And I put my husband and family on the back burner. And, definitely, spiritually just detached and stopped doing my quiet time, spending time with the Lord, and really seeking Him.
Adam: Yes, so we were in the middle of a move. So there was just some general stress from moving. But work was good. I felt like our marriage was in a good place. I could tell there was some kind of a weird underlying issue, but it didn't seem too big, at the time. We would try to talk about it, and it would always kind of come out as, "Well, I just don't really have the words to describe how I feel."
And I would always try to dig into it and see, "Is it me? Is there something going on spiritually or something else going on?" And there just wasn't ever a real clear picture of what was going on. But, I think, now, looking back, it was just an absence from really seeking the Lord. It was just a departing from really, daily walking with God.
And whenever you do that, our enemy can take little things and twist them in your mind, and manipulate, and make you think that your marriage isn't what it is. Can almost lead you to a place where you're discontented in your marriage. And when you start finding faults and issues in your spouse, and, then, that leads to, "Well, maybe, the grass is greener over there."
Kristy: Yes, it's one little thought after another leads you to a place where you are just totally discontent with where you are. And you don't even realize it's happening, over time. But it's little shifts and little ways of thinking, in your mind, that can take you way down a rabbit hole that you didn't want to be on.
It was little ways of thinking, little steps, kind of, looking over here and not looking at my family. Not looking to Christ, not looking to anything else. Just having my blinders on in a way, it's almost like a spiritual fog. You block out God, you block out all the voices of reason in your life. The girlfriends that have been closest to me, I shut out and focused on one friend, and one direction.
And, like Adam had said, like the Bible says, really, we have a spiritual enemy that watches you. And he prowls around like a lion waiting for someone to devour, and he knows your vulnerabilities.
And, so, he could probably see my discontent, and my detachment from Christ, and really capitalizes on that. So it was more one baby step at a time, one compromise at a time. And then someone comes in and maybe gives you a compliment and that, maybe, leaves you feeling a little more flattered than you should be. But I'm not in a healthy spot to where I can tell Adam about it or be transparent about it. And, once again, I feel like that is kind of a coping mechanism I'd had from a young age.
Is not being able to be very transparent with Adam, or just bring things because I feel like, "I'm going to get in trouble. I know I'm not doing anything wrong, I can handle it. If I bring this up, it's going to stir up trouble. So I've got this, I don't need to bring it up."
So I think, over time, that can be really detrimental. So anyways, a compliment that maybe leaves you more flattered. And then maybe it's a phone call that I don't disclose to Adam after that. And that just opens up the door for more things, you like the attention.
And, then, before you know it, you're full-on into some scenario that you don't want to be in or never thought you would be in. But, then, at the same time, there's parts of you that are flattered by the whole thing.
We've talked about this quite a bit, and it stems from growing up. I was able to really compartmentalize things. I think when you grow up in a dysfunctional home, especially, with alcoholic parents you can see the best in people. But then you can shut out situations and turn things on and off in your mind.
So as things were going on, 99% of it was behind a screen through texting, emails, phone calls. So it almost didn't feel real as you were going through it. As soon as I put my phone down, I could turn it off, put it out of my sight, out of sight out of mind, and go on with our family like nothing was wrong.
So that was an unhealthy, well, I know that was an unhealthy coping mechanism and something that I definitely had to work through. And, also, it, honestly, didn't feel real. And, I think, especially, in today's day and age with screens and all that. You can hide behind a screen and not really show your true colors to anybody. It's almost flattering in a way, it's like a game, but then, yes, you can turn it off. Does that make sense?
Adam: Mm-hmm.
Kristy: So other thoughts during that time were, I knew something was wrong, but I didn't want to bring it to Adam because I didn't want to ruffle any feathers. That was hard for me to be transparent and go to Adam with a problem.
Even though he had never given me a reason to not be able to go to him. Just from the habits of childhood that I carried over into our marriage. Not rocking the boat was easier, for me, than actually presenting a problem that we'd have to work through together. It was easier for me just to deal with it myself, not say anything, and not let on that anything was wrong.
Adam: So I found out that there was an affair going on about four, I think, about four months into it. I was doing some work and her email was accessible, so I opened up the email. At that time, I'd felt like there was a slight gap or a slight divide between us, so I was curious. And right off the bat I saw an email and my heart just sank.
I took a couple of minutes, while my heart was racing, and my mind was trying to go through all the possible, "What ifs? What do we do from here?" I tried to take a couple of minutes and just breathe, and sit still, and pray, and gather my senses because there was a wave of emotion.
And, so, I think, I called her and I just said, "Hey, I found this, what's going on?"
And there wasn't a lot of response. There was just like, "Okay". There was a little bit of deflection, I think, it was like, "Well, we're just talking and I won't talk anymore. We won't talk anymore." So I knew that that wasn't quite accurate. I felt that in my spirit, but at the time I just didn't want to, I guess, escalate it anymore. I already knew what I needed to know.
Kristy: The phone call from Adam, definitely, was, "Oh, my gosh, I can't believe this is happening." You conceal things for so long that when you're called out in it, it just seems unbelievable. So there was a period of lying to protect. So I definitely didn't come clean or I wasn't forthright about everything. Everything had to be pulled out, painfully, for everybody involved over time.
So, at first, I was more numb to the fact and tried to put up a wall, not deal with it, deflect, and to. like he said, lie about it. We even had some amazing friends that came down in the middle of the night. My very best friends that I had pushed aside for a while. They came down and sat with us in our living room, and I was numb to the whole thing, just shut off to myself.
So it took me a minute. I wasn't found out immediately. I didn't have an immediate repentant heart, in the beginning. I feel like I was almost stone cold, in the beginning, it seemed so unbelievable.
But I have a mentor, and a good friend, and she had mentioned that, "It's not whether you confess or you're found out, that's an indicator of where your heart is. It's what you do at that point, when things are brought to the light. Whether it be through you, you confessing it, or being found out, it's what you do with it at that point."
I think once I was faced with a reality of, "Oh, my goodness, I could lose, I am losing everything.” I got an apartment, we split the kids.
And, so, realizing the devastation, not only that I caused Adam, but also my kids and the other family involved, that was eye-opening. But more than that, the pain that it caused Christ to see me break my vows to Him, and to walk completely in the opposite direction of His will for my life was eye-opening.
But it took my heart a minute to be softened towards those things. And I don't think there was one specific instance, where I felt like my heart softened. It was just I feel like a combination of everything.
Being alone with God, being alone with my thoughts to reflect on it all, and to face it, not displace it. To face the devastation because I had been so used to deflecting and compartmentalizing, pushing it aside.
And, so, being in an apartment alone, and with my Bible, and my thoughts were probably the thing that was the most eye-opening and awakening, to really bring me to my knees and bring me, I guess, to the end of myself.
Other fears that I had would be like having to provide for my three kids, that was a huge burden to take on. I've been so used to having things joint, we both work towards providing for our family. So, yes, I had the fear of like, "Okay, these are my kids. I have to relearn how to, or learn, I guess, how to run a household by myself, and build a budget by myself."
And, "How am I going to feed these kids? How am I going to pay for their school? How am I going to let them continue their activities, where they've already had a massive disruption in their life, with their parents moving in separate directions?" Those things, life skills. When you get married at 20, you've always done it with somebody else. So then here you are, in your thirties having to figure it out.
Adam: Yes, so initially I thought, "This is just a really unfortunate thing, but I'm not okay with the marriage continuing like this." So my initial thought was, "There's just no hope for our marriage."
So I arranged for her to get an apartment. I moved her out. We split up accounts, and my temptation was just to finalize it, put a stamp on it, say, "It's done, it's over." As heartbreaking as that was.
But, really, there was just this little voice, and I feel like it was the Holy Spirit, just saying, "Just wait." I think a lot of times there's the temptation to make permanent decisions, based on temporary circumstances. When emotions are really high, there's a lot of drama, there's a lot of conflict. It's really difficult to make a clear decision.
And, especially, when your kids' futures and everyone else is in the balance. I really felt like God wanted me to just wait.
And I remember, in one of my quiet times, Him telling me, "Adam, yes, humanly you can go and end this marriage. But who are you to decide whether or not I can take this mess and use it for my glory?"
And that really put a check in my spirit to just wait, and continue praying and seeking. And in that process I kept asking the Lord, "God, show me if you're working in her life. Help me to see little ways where she's really repentant. That this isn't just a, 'I'm-sorry-I-was-caught,' type of thing. But show me how you're renewing her, and her heart, and her mind." And, over time, I was warming up to the idea that, maybe, God really can take this devastation and bring about new life. And something even more exciting than what was there before.
[00:27:02] < Music >
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[00:28:46] < Music >
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[00:30:25] < Music >
Kristy: I reached out to someone at church I knew had gone through a similar circumstance, and wrote a book about it, and was openly transparent about it.
So I reached out to her and she welcomed me with open arms, was non-judgmental, and pulled me close. Which is so endearing, especially, when you have friends walk away. You feel so unloving and like what you did was completely unloving, and doesn't warrant someone being open or warm to you. So that meant a lot. And her wisdom, oh, my goodness, was huge.
First of all, her wisdom as far as how to get me back on the right track with Christ, that was her first goal. Her goal for me wasn't to fix my marriage or anything like that. She knew if I didn't get A right, then B and C wasn't going to follow.
So she was huge and God, literally, took care of every step along the way. He put so many people planted along the way, and out of left field, He provided these people to speak wisdom, truth, insight, into my life. And He also allowed people to walk out of my life that didn't need to be walking through this scenario with me, at the time, that wasn't going to be beneficial. And, so, God really took care of every detail.
And, of course, I mean, through Adam and watching his response to me was such a picture of how Christ lavishes grace on us. And just to feel Christ's love through how Adam responded to me when he could have been horrible to me, he wasn't. And I know that's only because of Christ, that he was able to respond that way as well.
And we got a really good counselor recommendation along the way, which was huge. A huge part of our restoration wouldn't be here without our counselor, Dr. Kim, and his wisdom, and leading for our marriage.
Adam: I had two or three really good buddies that, spiritually, are just rock solid, that came down. And I was able to bounce things off of and just say, "What should I do here? What do you think about this?"
And their advice was always first, to pursue Christ and make sure that I was being humble. Because, I think, a lot of times when something like this happens, it's easy, and you can kind of become susceptible to, "Well, I didn't do anything wrong." And you can almost become, not prideful, but just you place yourself at a higher position. And you really shouldn't, Christ wants us to humble ourselves.
So they really pushed me, "Hey, humble yourself before God. Listen to Him and His voice." And that really helped me to hear the Spirit leading me, just to wait not to make any rash decisions about our marriage. And then that allowed me, also, to just really empathize with what Kristy was going through.
Because while she did what she did, and it hurt me, and it hurt our marriage, it hurt the heart of God. It helped me to see what she was going through as my sister in Christ. And there was a part of me that I ached for the pain that she was going through because I knew she was alone.
I knew that she felt tremendous guilt, and held a bunch of weight on her for what she had done, and that hurt me for her. So I really felt like those guys coming alongside me. I mean, it was a lifesaver.
Kristy: Once I felt like the fog had lifted, I'd gotten into my own place, it was easy just to cut everything off. With the right perspective on being focused on Christ. It was easy just to leave it, shut it down, change emails, change phone numbers, and try to make steps to go ahead. And just cut it off where it was, so it wasn't, necessarily, hard.
I think when you realize the trail of devastation that was caused, it wasn't hard to just turn from it and turn the other direction. Yes, there were definite times where he showed up at my work. But, at that point, I'd finally gotten my head on straight. And I was able to call Adam, whereas, in the past I wouldn't have been able to be transparent about things. I was able to call Adam and say, "Hey, he showed up at the hospital." I called security as well, those sort of things did happen along the way.
But I felt like God had brought me to a place where I never wanted to go back to a scenario like that. That's not what I wanted for my life. That's not what Christ wanted for my life. I wanted to be married to Adam. I wanted to pursue our family and move forward in that direction.
So anything other than that was easy just to cut off, turn, and bring it to Adam. I was able, with the help of my friends, to see where I had gotten off track in the things that had been detrimental in my marriage prior to that.
So knowing that, hey, maybe, in the past I wouldn't have been able to bring a problem to Adam. And Adam and I could work on it together or find a solution together. Now I was able to say, "Hey, he showed up here at the hospital, help me with this." Instead of me being like, "Oh, I have this, I can deal with this by myself." It really was so behind the screen, so it just wasn't reality. So a friendship, sure, we were all friends in the beginning.
But when you're faced with something like this, and the devastation, it was real easy for me to turn off. And I don't know, growing up with the background that I have, and being able to compartmentalize. And moving around, and being able to shut off relationships.
You move and you never talk to these people again and never talk to those people again. That was a track record throughout my life, just because of the situation I was in, moving around with my dad in oil and gas.
So people walking in and out of my life has been a common theme. So it wasn't that hard to shut it down. I think I did miss the wife, I missed her friendship, in the beginning, and I felt really bad for the pain I caused her.
I loved her as a friend, and I was attached to her. I struggled a lot with guilt, and just everything that transpired in her life as well. So that was hard, that was harder than the actual affair itself, was the friendship that was lost.
I know it was unhealthy. I can see how our friendship had gotten to a place that was unhealthy, in the sense that we relied more on each other, and really were codependent on each other in a way. We did everything together, her and I. So that was a change and something that I had to work through, and that God just gave me a peace about over time.
Adam: The first couple of weeks, there was an effort on my part to really try to get to the bottom of, "Okay, well, what's the extent of the affair?" And the first few weeks, after, were really rough. And, so, again, I allowed time and I allowed just room for God to move in His timing. And it really took, I think, probably, six to eight weeks, a couple of months, before God started to show me parts of her that I felt like were new. That were different than before.
She was extremely willing to, "Hey, let's put a tracker on my phone." Or, "Hey, you can put software on the computer. You can see every email that will go out from now on." And, so, that helped. Incredible transparency from her, which wasn't present in our marriage before that.
That was a huge change for me that I saw that I was like, "Okay, well, if she's really willing to go to this extent to show me that she wants to be married to me. Then I'm going to stick around for a while and see what happens."
So that really started to gain my confidence a little more. Trust was still broken, and when you break trust it takes a long time to rebuild it. But those were the first few couple of little building blocks that helped me, I think, see that, "Okay, there's hope."
Kristy: One of the hardest things, during that time, was our oldest child was in second grade. So talking to him about us having to separate and live in different places was devastating. That was one of the most heartbreaking conversations we had to have.
Our next, our middle child at the time, she was in kindergarten. And, so, she was more just didn't want me to leave her and a little more clingy to me. And then the baby was two, I believe, and, so, she only wanted me and didn't want to be away.
So there were so many different dynamics that we were dealing with, family wise, and just having our own separate places.
And still trying to figure out how, I mean, we had to interact because of the kids and trying to manage that. Whereas, I mean, I'm sure I'm the last person he wanted to see at the time. And it was devastating to have to walk in and see him hurting, and know that I caused that.
So that was hard, there was just a lot. And talking to his family about it, it wasn't a very private event we went through. I would say friends knew about it, people gossiped about it, it was hard. Definitely it was hard as far as friendships too. People walking away, people whispering about you, talking about you.
You're already so grieved by yourself and your actions. That it wasn't helpful people sharing what had happened as a prayer request, it was more juicy gossip. So that was hard to navigate.
Adam: Mm-hmm.
Kristy: Adam's parents, they were definitely distant. I got taken off all the family text messages and that was really hard. You know how annoying family text messages can be, but when you're taken off of them, you learn to appreciate them after that.
But I mean, they all handled it in the best, most Christ-like way they could, Adam's side of the family. It definitely wasn't just between him and I, your sin can affect a lot more people than just you and your spouse. I mean, not only does it grieve God and your spouse, but, my gosh, it can break other people's hearts. And leave other people in the wake of your devastation as well.
Adam: After a couple of months go by and I really start seeing the Lord working in Kristy's life, and working in my life. You just felt a strong sense that God is a God of second chances, of many chances, and that we're called to forgive as we've been forgiven.
And, so, that was a really key thing for me, is that as much as I, humanly struggled with, "Gosh, how, how can I forgive this? How can I move past it?" I kept being confronted with, "How many times do I break the heart of God, and God continually accepts me back?"
And, so, I finally just said, "God, give me the strength to have that mindset. To have that willpower, to push through my human emotions and the way that my mind works, and have your kind of love."
And, so, we decided, "Okay, let's just take a trip, the two of us, and let's just try to have fun. We're not promising anything. We're not really going to make it official or whatever. Let's just take a trip, and see what happens and have a good time."
So we ended up going skiing and it was on that trip, where I said, "Hey, what would you think about moving back in?"
And I think that was, maybe, one of our best dinners that we've had. I think people around us thought that we were getting engaged or something like that. Because there was hugging, and crying, and stuff like that. But at that point, we'd really felt God just inject so much of His love back into our relationship that we couldn't really contain ourselves.
Kristy: After I knew that Adam and I were going to be okay. And we were going to work towards renewing our marriage, there was so much shame and condemnation. And I think that it wasn't Adam heaping it on me. It was, definitely, you feel grieved by what you've done, that was really hard. I was just mad at myself, and hindsight it's 2020, so you can connect all the dots and see where you went wrong. When you're standing on the other side, looking back at everything.
So just being mad at myself and just knowing if I could have just made one little change. Or just brought something to Adam, or brought something to one of my close girlfriends, who would've gladly talked to me about it. Or really spent time in God's Word, praying about God's direction, you see how things could have gone different.
But, I think, shame comes from that. Knowing, "Gosh, I was so stupid to not have seen this coming. Not to be able to stand up against temptation, not to be so naive." And when people are talking about you or whispering about you, that puts you back into, "Oh, my gosh, I am horrible. I am the result of what I've caused. I am just unforgivable." You feel all of those things.
But the best way to overcome any obstacle is really just to dive into Scripture and to recite those things in your head. Recite your verses in your head. There were times when I had to go back up to my kids' school and both families had kids at the same school. And just knowing that people knew what happened.
And, so, there would be times I would be walking into school just reciting Scripture to myself, just to be able to walk back into that hallway. And be able to hold my head up high and know that, "There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, that I have been forgiven."
As far as the East is from the West, God separates our sins." And just remembering those things and believing them. And I think you can say it but, over time, as you say it, you start to believe it. And there was a book by Christine Caine called Unashamed that was really great for me. I have highlighted the whole book.
So reading that and just reminders, and surrounding myself with people who believed in us. Believed the best is yet to come, that Christ can make things new. Christ can redeem every situation, and redeem doesn't mean just make it back to how it was.
It means make better than new. Believing those things and having people cheering you on along the sidelines, and just so much wisdom and wealth from the people God put in our lives. It was totally helpful in knowing and believing that God has forgiven me. So it really doesn't matter what anybody else thinks or their opinion was of me, at the time.
Adam: I think the first few months was definitely the most key. Both of us humbling ourselves and seeking the Lord with everything that we had. After we got back on somewhat solid footing, we were back under one roof. Our kids started to settle back into some normalcy, things really progressed a little bit.
There were times, though, that the enemy doesn't want to see a marriage that was on the brink of destruction come back. And for sure he doesn't want to see God use something like that. So there were attacks in the months following.
That we'd have random phone calls, in the middle of the night, and someone would be just, it was almost like a demon was on the other end of the phone. And it would be accusing, and saying all kinds of just evil things, and we never knew who the person was. They blocked the number.
And we'd hang up the phone and look at each other, and it'd be two o'clock in the morning, and it's like, "What do you do with that?" So there were attempts, multiple attempts I feel like, from our enemy, our spiritual enemy, to drag us back into it.
And, for me, I really had to take the advice from our counselor and from buddies. Just, "Hey, try not to see these shadow thoughts. These are things from the darkness, from evil, that are trying to pull you back into what happened. And God has moved you into something greater and to look ahead, and not to look back." So I feel like those first few months, and then six to nine months, somewhere in there, we really started to turn a corner and restoration was, definitely, present.
Kristy: Mm-hmm, yes, I agree with all of that. Knowing Adam for as long as I've known him. I know when he makes a decision, he's a man of his word, he sticks to it. So I felt confident when he asked me to move back in with him that he meant it, it was from God, and he had wisdom behind that.
There were a few tough times when we had tough conversations, or he would be angry, or frustrated. That was really hard for me not to just retreat and pull myself into a shell, and not open up. And I think a lot of that, too, stems from childhood. Any type of conflict, really just shuts me down. So really pushing into that and being able to be open, but yet received with warmth and grace was helpful.
I would say the first year was rebuilding trust. Getting myself on the right track. Dr. Kim had told me to be thankful that we are in today's day and age, where we can use technology as our advantage. In the sense that regaining trust, putting trackers on things, or FaceTiming Adam when I went to work, and when I left work.
Just little things like that was probably rebuilding in year one. And having a lot of long conversations about everything, it was definitely more of an emotional year.
I would say year two was more of, "Okay, we've established a baseline of where we're going, things are normalizing." So year two, I feel like was when we were able to... we were still healing, but yet we were able to talk to some people who had gone through similar situations. And there's a verse in Revelations that says, "We overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony."
And I think there's healing when you're able to share your story with somebody else. And lend a hand up to help other people going through something similar, that was a little more healing, I think, for us.
And, now, we're several years down the road and we're able to sit here and talk about it and not cry, or be frustrated, or angry. And that I wish I could have done things a different way. I'm grateful for what God has brought out of it.
Adam: I think, too, another thing we tried to do, probably, in year two, is just establish some new things that we had never done before because we were really in a season of growth. And, so, for that reason we tried to go on different vacations or just do stuff that we had never really done before. Go on date nights. Go ice skating, we'd never gone ice skating before, stuff like that.
So that was some really good advice we'd gotten, is, "Try to establish some new things to build what God is doing in your new marriage. And that'll really create a new sense for each of you and for your marriage."
God working in my life and showing me the multiple times that I screwed up. And even in a day how many times I fall short, it was really hard for me to stick on, "Okay, well I'm going to hang this over her head."
At some point you just have to either believe what God says in His Word, about forgiving other people. In essence, I'd be calling Jesus and what He did on the cross a liar if I didn't believe that the power of Christ was powerful enough to overcome this situation and the sin.
So I was really confronted with the fact that I don't want to call God a liar. So I'm just going to trust in the power of Christ and what He can do. And that really got me to a place where I had to just say, "Okay, I'm just going to sit back, and watch, and see if the fruit of her life moving forward is what I want to see."
And over time, sure enough, God allowed me to see those things. I think the most difficult part for me was just being a man, and a husband. I really dealt with anger and some really deep underlying anger there. Obviously, initially, when you find out there's lots of ways that you want to let that anger express itself, and all of them are not healthy.
And, so, I tended to bottle some of it up, maybe, since I couldn't express it or do what I wanted to do with it. And even to this day, I really have to be careful because anger from years ago can still pop up even now, in just everyday life.
And, so, it's still a process, still working through giving that to God. Giving all those emotions and things that I felt, at that time, to God and truly being healed by it. So those were the toughest things for me.
There was definitely a time where it was a really sensitive subject, was our sex life moving forward. Because it was really hard to be back on the same page, as husband and wife, without that aspect of our relationship.
But I really felt like once the Lord worked in me, and that I was to a place where I was willing to forgive her. I just had to say, "I'm either willing to forgive everything and let's move forward, or I'm just going to stay stuck in the past."
So I really just felt like, "Hey, let's just make this official." And, so, God was able to, through His working, allow us to have a, I wouldn't say normal physical relationship back again, but I mean it was pretty quick. And, I think, honestly, that was one of the best things that helped us heal. Just to be honest.
Kristy: I don't feel like I struggled, in any means, with the physical side of things. Do you feel like I did?
Adam: If you did, I couldn't tell. Yes, I think I wanted to almost like, "No, this is my wife." I was staking my claim. God gave me her, she's my gift. And, so, I wanted to just reclaim it, and that was part of us moving forward.
Kristy: I don't ever want to be prideful and say, "Oh, we have a perfect marriage." And stick my head in the sand because nobody's marriage is perfect. But I would say our marriage is better than what it ever has been in the past. There's definitely more transparency and openness, and I feel connected to him more so than I ever had before.
Adam: Mm-hmm.
Kristy: There's a deeper level of trust, on my part, knowing I can trust him with the good, the bad, the ugly, and he's already seen the worst possible side.
So him just accepting me for what I am has really done a lot for me as far as confidence, and stability. And him being a leader and leading us to Christ, and leading us in that direction. I feel like that just even makes my respect for him even more, so that's been huge.
Adam: Yes, I mean, I would say no marriage is ever perfect, but ours is just under that. And, obviously, we're still working on things and figuring things out about each other.
But I think, for me, over the past few years and going through what we've gone through. You start to empathize and appreciate what your spouse's upbringing has to do with the person that they are.
You learn each other's strengths and weaknesses, and you know when to, maybe, back off. And there's personality differences in every marriage, so some of those things you're never going to be able to fully escape. But you learn how to try to be graceful and complement each other. So, yes, I feel like our marriage today is great.
Kristy: I think there's always a process of being forgiving and just with the little things. Not even the big events in life, but just little annoyances along the way. Being, like you said, forgiving of those and knowing how to navigate those, and complement each other in spite of those, those sort of things. I feel like the underlying theme, through everything, is God's grace for you is more than you could have even imagined, even in your worst moment.
Adam: I think I would say that God can work in impossible situations. That He can cause dry bones to come to life. That He can plant gardens where there was once desert. With God and the power of Christ, anything is possible.
So no relationship is too far gone. There's never a scenario where there's no hope. If Christ is at the center of your marriage, and your relationship moving forward. Then He can create something incredible when, at the time, it seems like it's not possible.
[01:00:25] < Music >
Lindsay: And that is so much of the heart behind why we do what we do at Awesome Marriage. We've seen God do amazing things for so many couples. Thank you to Adam and Kristy for sharing that encouraging story today.
If you would like to check out the Online Affair Recovery course, the link for that will be in the show notes. That's just an amazing resource, that's helped so many couples get started on their healing journey or continue the process.
Make sure that you're subscribed for our podcast email, because that's where we put not only the show notes, and all the resources, we also have application questions you can work through. We have quotes and other things that we'll put in from time to time, to help you process and apply what you're hearing on the podcast.
We're so glad you joined us today, and join us again next week as we're tackling a tough topic: Does being a Christian mean staying married no matter what? It's something we've been asked about a lot recently. And, so, we answer that question next week. Have a great day and do something awesome for your marriage today.
[01:01:32] < Outro >
Announcer: Thanks for listening to The Awesome Marriage Podcast. This podcast is brought to you by the Ministry of Awesome Marriage and produced by Lindsay Few, with music by Noah Copeland. If you haven't signed up for Dr. Kim's Weekly Marriage Multiplier Email, we encourage you to do so today.
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