Check Yourself Before You Put Your Spouse In Check
When Dylan and I signed up for Marriage Counseling in year 8 of our marriage I will be honest, I was so ready for the counselor to tell Dylan all the ways he needed to grow as a husband. I didn’t want the counselor to fix my marriage, I wanted him to fix Dylan.
So you can imagine my surprise when our counselor gave ME things to work on. I was shocked and humbled.
Oftentimes we so easily see our spouse’s flaws and what they need to do in order to be a better spouse, friend, employee, and overall human. We can pick apart what they need to do to change. We can quickly put our spouse in check all without ever taking the time to check ourselves. We have a list of ways they need to grow without ever looking in the mirror and asking: how can I grow?
Before we start criticizing our spouse and trying to control them I think it’s important that we take an honest look at ourselves first. Are we even in a good space to see things clearly? What’s going on in our own hearts? What about our own sin? What conflict and unhealthy behaviors are we bringing to the table in our marriage?
The Lord asks us to deal with our own sin before calling out another’s (Matthew 7:5) and he tells us it’s wise to examine ourselves. “Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord.” -Lamentations 3:40 It’s not your job to fix your spouse. However, it is your job to examine yourself.
Your marriage can only be as healthy as the two of you. Your part in that is to seek health for yourself.
Being self-aware is a gift to yourself, your spouse and everyone around you. In order to be self-aware we have to check in with ourselves and prayerfully examine ourselves. Good questions can help us do this well.
Here are 4 questions I like to ask myself to check myself when it comes to my marriage:
What assumptions did I make about my spouse this week? Were they fair? Helpful?
What thoughts did I have about my spouse this week? Were they healthy or unhealthy?
Where did I sin in my marriage this week? What do I need to apologize for? What would it look like to repent of that so that I don’t repeat that same cycle next week?
Was I kind and loving to my spouse this week?
So what about you? Have you checked yourself lately? What questions do you need to prayerfully ask yourself as you examine your own ways?
Because I believe examining your ways and heart is such an important piece in having healthy relationships I’ve created a simple guide to help us grow in this area: the Self Check In Guide: A Tool For Growing in Self Awareness.
This tool is designed to help you prayerfully examine yourself so that you can be more aware of yourself. These questions will help you examine your thoughts, heart, and actions; take hold of healthy thoughts and behavior, and walk away from unhealthy thoughts and behavior. When you are cognizant of yourself and your thoughts, you can more easily take hold of truth and toss out lies.
So next time you are ready to criticize your spouse, remember to check yourself first.
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Written By Christina Dodson, COO of Awesome Marriage
Need help checking in with yourself? Check out my Self Check In Guide: A Tool For Growing in Self Awareness. The best part is - it’s donate what you can! There isn’t a set price so you just give what you can to get this great tool.