Listening
If you have read my books or blogs, listened to my podcasts, or follow me on social media, you know how important I think listening is in a marriage. I do not think you can have an awesome marriage if you do not both listen well to each other.
That is a pretty strong statement but I really believe it is true.
97% of couples that say they communicate well also say they have a good marriage. And if the most important part of communication is listening, then listening well is essential to the health of your marriage. I don’t think listening well comes easy for most of us. We have to first value listening well and then be very intentional to develop that skill.
Listening is not hearing. When I write I usually have background music playing. Do I hear the music? Yes. Am I really listening to it? No.
I usually know when Nancy is talking to me. Then I have to make a choice. I can choose to hear her, which means that I kinda listen to the words - at least, well enough to know when to nod my head or say something affirmative. I can get by with that, at least for a while, but does it connect us? Does it give us what I want in our marriage? No and no.
When Nancy is talking, I can also choose to listen to her. That means eliminating all distractions as best I can. I look her in the eyes. I focus on what she is saying so I can respond appropriately. That connects us and gives us what we both want in our marriage. It tells her that I love her and what she says is important to me. It goes both ways. She has the same choices. Does she hear or listen?
What about you and your marriage? Do you really listen, or do you just hear?
Overtime With Nancy:
Kim: So, when does the best listening happen in our marriage?
Nancy: It’s usually when we’re not distracted by other things. We’re one on one. You’ve talked about how we value our time together daily, and we try to do that more on the weekends. Communication in that way is where we try to put everything else aside and just talk with one another. It’s really hard because I know I have friends whose husbands are like hermits - they just won’t talk. It’s so frustrating for them! But I was gifted with a man who really knows how to communicate.
Kim: It is. It’s something we work with a lot in counseling - trying to help a man communicate in a way that can connect with his wife. A guy can say 10, 20 words and think he’s communicated, but his wife needs him to connect with his emotions. A lot of times that’s hard for guys.
Nancy: I think a lot of guys could use some help in that. Most women - not all but most - can talk with their husband about what concerns them, or what gives them pleasure, and so on. But men need to really learn that.
Kim: Just take the risk. Once they see how it really connects you as a couple, it’s worth it.
Nancy: Some people get into excuses and say, “That’s just me. I’ve always been quiet, I'm not a good communicator.” But if you really want your marriage to get better, you need to work on it. Seriously. We can’t just fall back on thinking we can’t change because of the way we were raised or what we’re used to.
Kim: I think that’s important. A lot of what makes our communication good is a result of both of us respecting each other. I think that helps us to listen to each other. We’ve learned to value what each other says and to listen. I don’t just think, “As soon as she quits talking here’s what I’m going to say,” but I really listen.
For You:
How well do you listen to each other today?
Do you listen better today than you did last year?
How do you know if your spouse is listening to you?
How do they know if you are listening to them?
Will you commit to making good communication a priority for your marriage?