Love is Following

If leading is a little countercultural, following is a lot countercultural. Why would a wife want to follow her husband? Even if she wants to follow his leadership, it seems to be very difficult for many women to do. 

Right now, I am wondering why I even write about  “following?” If a couple gets the concept, they will see the value and most likely keep it up. If a couple never embraced this concept, will they even consider it now? Yet, I know exactly why I am including it, so bear with me. The Bible makes it clear that it is part of God’s plan for marriage. 

Let’s unpack this and see if we can understand the “why” behind the plan. God made man and woman. God created marriage. Men and women are different by design. Each has a specific role in marriage. Each role is indispensable to the life and wellbeing of the marriage. The leading and following defined in the Bible are for marriage, not for work or the outside world. It is part of the plan to give us awesome marriages.  

I believe that wives have trouble following their husband’s lead because their husbands do not lead in the way God intended. For Nancy and I, this was a big learning experience. I knew I was supposed to lead but I did not know the difference in leading at work and leading at home. Leading at home the way that I led at work was not working and was not ever going to work. In the first years of our marriage, I ran a business. It was my job. I was the boss. People did what I asked them to do. In many ways they were serving me as my employees. 

At home, I was to serve Nancy. She was not my employee. She was very clear on that! I did so well leading people at work but I was failing miserably at home. No wonder she had trouble following my lead. I think as husbands, most of us do not lead well at home. If we are not leading well, how can we expect our wives to follow?

Yet, as husbands, if we lead as God wants us to in our marriages (see “Love is Leading” blog), then I believe our wives find it easy to follow our lead. It’s not a man versus woman thing. It’s a man and woman thing. One is no better than the other. One is no more important than the other. It is a husband and wife playing on the same team and both have equal value to the team. For us, it was figuring out how to do this in the first half of our marriage and really living it out in the second half. Guess what? God’s plan really works!

If I serve Nancy, if she knows that I pray for God’s wisdom and guidance as a husband, if I listen to her and value her, then it is pretty easy for her to trust me and to follow my lead. I know you guys were hoping to get a break here but your wife’s following is in response to your leading.  Lead poorly and no one follows. Lead well and you will be amazed at the change in your wife.  

Okay ladies, you do not get completely off the hook here. Pray for your husband as he leads.  Speak into his leadership. Tell him how well he is doing. Pray for God to mold you into the perfect wife for your husband. It is all part of following the leader God gave you.

Overtime With Nancy

Nancy: If a man is a good leader, a good mate, and his wife can trust his decisions, she’s more apt to follow his lead. I think you’ve been a good spiritual leader in our home. I’ve shared in that responsibility, but I think that your strength in leadership is more in the faith part of our marriage. Also in handling our finances. A lot of women are very adept in finances, but I’m not. So I defer to you in that. I give my input, but you’re more the expert. And you defer to me in certain respects. You get my input and you value it. 

Kim: I especially value your knowledge from your business, and that you know much more than I do about anything to do with homes or real estate. Have there been times that it’s been hard to follow me? 

Nancy: Yes. I think early in our marriage you were trying to be dominant. You were domineering and I rebelled. But I've learned through the years to respect you. With that respect has come more of a willingness to lead with you and follow your lead. 

Kim: So early on, when I didn’t lead well and it was hard to follow, how did you handle that? 

Nancy: I rebelled. I would do my own thing. It was very combative in our relationship, and we were at odds with each other a lot. There was a lot of stress. 

Kim: Any particular instance? 

Nancy: I think you just tried to control me in most ways. 
Kim: I did. I thought I knew best and had the answers. There were things I probably did say that were best, but because of the way I did it, you pushed away from me. 

Nancy: I think I learned to respect you eventually. 

For You:

• Husbands, when do you lead well?

• When is it hard to lead?

• Wives, when is it easiest to follow your husband’s lead? 

• When is it most difficult? 

• How can you work as a team to be a better leader and a better follower?