How can I help my husband understand that nonsexual touching is important to me?
You are speaking the language of so many wives right now. That feeling of being used, of every touch having an agenda, is heartbreaking…and it actually kills intimacy instead of creating it. The good news is that most husbands don't realize they're doing this or how it affects their wives. They're not trying to be selfish; they just honestly don't understand the impact.
You need to have this conversation outside of moments when it's actually happening. When you're both calm and connected, explain that physical touch is important to you, but that you need affection that isn't goal oriented toward sex. Help him understand that nonsexual touching actually increases intimacy and connection, which enhances your sexual relationship over time rather than competing with it.
Give him specific examples of what you're looking for: holding hands while you watch TV, a back rub while you're cooking dinner, a hug when he gets home from work that doesn't immediately turn into groping, cuddling on the couch without it leading anywhere. Most men appreciate concrete suggestions because they want to love their wives well but may not instinctively know what feels good to you.
You can also start modeling this yourself. Initiate nonsexual touch throughout the day, touch his arm while you're talking, give him a quick shoulder massage while he's working, hold his hand in the car. Show him what you're looking for by doing it yourself.
Consider having a conversation about creating some boundaries around different types of touch. Maybe certain times of day or certain contexts are purely for affection with no sexual expectation. The goal isn't to eliminate sexual intimacy, but to create space for connection that doesn't always have to lead somewhere.
Communication Strategies:
Have this conversation when you're both calm and connected, not in the moment.
Explain how goal oriented touch affects your feelings and desire for connection.
Give specific examples of the kind of nonsexual touch you enjoy and need.
Help him understand that affectionate touch enhances rather than competes with sexual intimacy.
Model the behavior you want by initiating nonsexual touch yourself.
Consider creating some boundaries or agreements around different types of touch.
Key Takeaways:
Most husbands don't realize they're doing this or how it affects their wives.
Specific examples help men understand what you need and want.
Nonsexual touch actually enhances sexual intimacy rather than detracting from it.
Modeling the behavior you want can be as powerful as talking about it.
Clear boundaries help both partners feel more comfortable and connected.
If you want to help your husband further and also learn ways he feels most loved, try my free Love Tanks Printable. You can each fill it out to have a visual of how to fill up each other’s love tanks.