How To Rebuild Basic Courtesies In Your Marriage
Are we the only couple that struggles with basic manners? How do we fix this ingrained habit?
You are SO not the only couple dealing with this! It's embarrassing how common this is, but here's the truth: long term marriage can make us lazy about the basics. We get comfortable, life gets busy and stressful, and we start treating our spouse worse than we'd treat a stranger at the grocery store. It's backwards and wrong, but it happens to most of us.
The fact that you recognize you're both part of the problem is actually huge. You can work on this together instead of pointing fingers at each other. Start small, pick one or two specific behaviors to focus on instead of trying to overhaul your entire relationship overnight. Maybe this week you focus on greeting each other when you come home and saying goodbye when you leave. That's it.
Make it a conscious choice to treat each other with the same courtesy you'd show guests in your home. Say please and thank you. Acknowledge when your spouse enters or leaves a room. Use kind words instead of barking orders at each other. It's going to feel weird and forced at first because you've gotten out of the habit, but stick with it.
Have a conversation where you both commit to being more intentional about this. You might even make it slightly playful to notice and appreciate when your spouse makes an effort, or have a gentle code word when you catch yourselves falling back into old patterns. The goal isn't perfection; it's progress toward treating each other with the love and respect your marriage deserves.
Your spouse should be the person you're kindest to, not the person who gets your worst behavior because you know they'll stick around anyway. They deserve your best, not your leftovers.
Steps to Rebuild Basic Courtesies:
Start with one or two specific behaviors rather than trying to change everything at once.
Make greeting each other coming and going a non-negotiable priority.
Consciously use please, thank you, and other polite language throughout the day.
Treat your spouse with at least the same courtesy you'd show a guest.
Have a conversation where you both commit to being more intentional.
Notice and appreciate when your spouse makes an effort to be more courteous.
Be patient with the process: it takes time to rebuild good habits.
Key Takeaways:
This is an extremely common problem in long term marriages: you're not alone.
Comfort and familiarity can lead to taking each other for granted.
Small, consistent changes are more effective than trying to overhaul everything.
Your spouse deserves your best behavior, not your worst.
Progress matters more than perfection in rebuilding these habits.