Worth Repeating: 3 Ways to Do Intimacy His Way
[00:00:00] < Intro >
Lindsay: Welcome to The Awesome Marriage Podcast. A place for honest conversations and practical advice, on how to build an awesome marriage. I am your podcast producer and co-host. Lindsay Few. On the show will be our host, Dr. Kim Kimberling. Dr. Kim, is a marriage counselor and has been married for over 50 years. His passion is to help you strengthen your most intimate relationship.
Here at The Awesome Marriage Podcast, we pull out an older episode every now and then, that we think is worth repeating. Maybe you missed this one the first time. Maybe it's just worth listening to again for a reminder. But today on the podcast, Dr. Kim and Christina are discussing three ways to do intimacy HIS way.
If you missed last week's episode, we cover the lady's perspective, so make sure you listen to that too. Listen in today for three Ways to Do Intimacy His Way.
Christina: Today, we're going to be talking about Three Ways to Do Intimacy HIS Way. Wives, we plan to help you out with some practical ways to build intimacy into your marriage the way your husband needs and wants it.
If you are new to the show, we drop a new episode every Tuesday, and on the last Tuesday of every month, is a special guest interview. Be sure to hit Subscribe in whatever podcast app you're using, so that you can join us every week.
Dr. Kim, last week we talked about the ladies' way. This week we're talking about the guys' way. So let's just dive right in. What's your way number one for the fellas?
Dr. Kim: I, really, think it's be his best friend. And, I think, in talking to ladies, that's different, probably, than you define it. Most women talk about what do you think with a best friend you want to communicate, you want to talk, you want to feel involved that way.
I think for most of us, as guys, we want you to be our best buddy too. We want you to do things with us, to be adventurous. We connect a lot through activity and we just do. When Nancy and I go do an activity together, whether it's hiking or whatever it is, I feel so close to her afterwards. It's just because we do stuff together like that.
And, so, I think, sometimes, ladies say, "Well, my husband plays golf. I hate golf." Okay, what if you just ride around the golf cart with him? Whatever he needs you hand it to him and you have conversation.
When my son, Grant, was 12 for about two years, three years, till he turned 16, every summer we would play golf every Friday. Well, it was great. I'd let him drive the golf cart, which he loved because at 16 he couldn't drive anything else, and we had that time together.
And the same thing you can do with your husband. You can go around with him, you can talk in between and just, it's a, really, good date. So, I mean, stretch yourself a little bit on that.
But I, really, think, for me, the activity stuff, being my best friend, it's what drew me to Nancy from the beginning and it still is.
Christina: Yes, that is so good. I love that. I think you're so right when it comes to the active part. I think men just are not like women who can just sit and talk for hours. They can talk, they just need to be doing something while they talk.
And, so, Amen to all of that. I, really, encourage all the ladies to do activities with your husbands. Whether it's going on walks, doing a sport, watching a sport with him, playing a game with him. It could be a board game or a video game.
But something where you're doing something active together. And, I think, there's creative ways to do this. Don't sell yourself short, try something before you, automatically, say no.
Dr. Kim: Yes.
Christina: When it comes to video games, I am never going to enjoy playing Call of Duty with Dylan. That's not a thing I'm going to do. But there's this sushi game that I, actually, really, do like. And, so, we can play this weird little sushi game together, where you're little chefs and you're making sushi.
And, so, get creative, and it's, also, not his favorite game, but he likes to do it with me. And, so, yes, I think, that's something I've, really, been learning in the last couple of years with Dylan. Is that in order to be a great friend to him, I have to try to enjoy some of the things he enjoys, which makes sense. But I think when it comes to our husband, so often, wives neglect this.
Dr. Kim: And wait, I don't think our wives, really, see how important that is to us, and, I think, you have. And, I think, another example for you is Duke basketball.
Christina: Absolutely.
Dr. Kim: Did you ever watch basketball or anything?
Christina: I never watched any kind of sport before. And it took several years. It was year five of our marriage that I just, one year I just got so into it and I haven't gotten out of it. I love learning about the players and their stat.
Dr. Kim: I agree. Nancy had never been to a college football game. Well, I guess, at TSU but then she got into OU and her early years were great years for OU.
And, then, with the professional basketball the first year I was like, "Let's just buy tickets to support the team." And she fell in love with it. So give it a chance and you may not fall in love, but, I think, what you'll see in your husband, well, you'll say, "This is worth it."
Christina: Yes, absolutely. And it's not like you have to do that with him every, single, night, but just sometimes. Doing what he loves, I think, will go a long way and will make him feel really loved.
I think another part of being his best friend. I think, a big part of marriage, the best-friend relationship for a man is flirting. I think playful and silly flirting for whatever reason. I just think it's, really, important to guys.
So make room for flirting in your marriage, ladies. If you've lost it, find a way to bring it back. It's, really, easy to lose, we've all been there but bring it back. Bring the flirting back, I think, your husband will appreciate it
Dr. Kim: And it's fun. I mean, I think, a wife can have fun doing it. Guys can have fun doing it. We like it when our wives do it, hopefully, they like it when we do it. But, yes, that's a great thing. Nancy's been great about keeping that alive in our marriage. I think it's one of the things, not the only thing, that's kept our spark like it has for all these years of marriage.
Christina: Absolutely, and it, really, is very intimate. We're talking about intimacy today. Flirting is very intimate and it's easy to get in a rut or to get too serious, to where you're not remembering to flirt. But you can bring it back, so invite that back into your marriage.
Dr. Kim: You did it at one time.
Christina: That's right.
Dr. Kim: Obviously.
Christina: Yes, absolutely. Well, what about way number two?
Dr. Kim: I'm going to put respect. I think some people may have put that higher. I think it goes back to Ephesians five, so say it again, "So I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." It's just interesting, we can do a whole podcast on the differences between love and respect there.
But what God says in that, and has Paul write, is because He knows how we're wired. And, so, I think, when you show respect to us, it shows that you trust us, which is, really, important to us. And that you can know what's going on in our life, that you care about that. That, maybe, ask those questions, Nancy's always been great about that. That you believe in him.
I'll guarantee you, when Awesome Marriage started or when I, actually, first went into counseling and quit my job to go to school. If she hadn't been behind me in those two things, they wouldn't have happened. Awesome Marriage wouldn't be here today. I wouldn't be the counselor that God's helped me to be today. So your believing in him is huge.
Acknowledge his leadership, and, obviously, as guys, we've got our responsibility here. We just want you to encourage us and fall along. So the last one would be encouraging us. And, I think, those are so important things and nobody does that in a way like Nancy does for me.
And nobody else, who encourages me or does any of those things, does it affect me in the same way it does for her. And if she didn't, it'd be hard, it would be, really, hard.
Christina: Yes, absolutely, and you're so right. This respect thing is just, really, important to guys. I think, in my opinion, there is nothing more destructive to your intimacy with your husband than disrespecting him.
I think, men, they feel loved when they're respected. But if I'm being honest, Dr. Kim, my mind always goes to disrespect when I think about this respect need that men have. I can think of lots of ways, just, lots of things that are disrespectful to my husband. So I try to avoid those things.
Dr. Kim: That's good.
Christina: Things like talking bad about him to other people. Making fun of him. Being unkind in my tone to him. Not following through on what we agreed upon. Belittling his suggestions or his advice. All of those things are disrespectful and I try to avoid them.
But I guess what's hard for me, sometimes, is what does it look like to actively respect him. I don't want to disrespect him, but how do I, actively, feed into respecting my husband? And you mentioned encouragement, but are there any other simple ways a wife can be really active about respecting her husband?
Dr. Kim: I think verbal affirmation, even if that's not his love language, we love it. It goes back to I would rather Nancy tell me something good about me than anybody else. It's great if somebody else does, but it's better when she does. And, I think, maybe, it's just not doing something at him, maybe, you don't roll your eyes at him. And instead just your facial expressions that you can show love in a lot of ways.
Christina: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And, I think, those things, also, show respect. You can show it through a smile, a look, the flirt, a lot of things like that. So, I think, just being conscious each day and pray and say, "God Help me to respect him today" And put it in God's court too, and, I think, he'll bring some things to your mind, some opportunities, and you got to follow through with Him.
Christina: Yes.
Dr. Kim: But, I think, it's just knowing that that's one of things that connects him, make it important to you. All these and the last one are all about making something important to you, that's important to your spouse.
Christina: Yes, that's good. When you were saying that, I thought of like doing the opposite of the disrespectful. And, so, kind of, thinking that through. I thought of, you mentioned rolling your eyes, well, we know rolling our eyes. If our husband's talking and we're in a group setting and they're talking, and we roll our eyes at what our husband said. Well, that's, obviously, disrespectful.
Well, what would the respectful thing to do? Maybe active listening or asking a clarifying question. Or saying like, "That's a great point, husband." Or whatever it is, kind of, affirming him.
Dr. Kim: Yes, just be engaged. Don't be going through your purse or scrolling your phone.
Christina: Exactly. And, so, maybe that's what we needed to do is, is think of the opposites of the disrespectful things we're doing. And then, I think, we could always ask him, "Hey, what are some things that I can do that would make you feel respected?" And it might take him a couple of days or a couple weeks to think of things.
But just ask him to prayerfully consider that, so that you can grow in this area. And, I think, it will, really, build your intimacy with him.
Dr. Kim: That's good. And, I think, of the fact that he knows you're thinking about that and asking his input on it is, really, good. And, I think, sometimes, guys just need to stop and think about it. So, hopefully, as you do something, he's able to say, "That's it. That made me feel really respected." And, so, it gives you some information. You're just getting information.
Christina: Yes, that's so good. I love it. Well, what about way number three, Dr. Kim?
Dr. Kim: Okay, make sex a we thing. So this is a team deal and it's not a team deal just because both of your bodies are there. And, I think, sometimes, women just, "Okay, let's just get this over." Or whatever.
I'm talking about, focus on him. Focus on the two of you together. Talk about your sex life together so that it can be improved. Tell him what you like and don't like, and, guys, listen to her. She's the expert on her body, you're not, you want to be and you can be. But you got to go through who first? And just be open to new things that he might want to do.
In other words, what I'm saying there is make it a “we” thing. It's not all about him and him. It's about you two together exploring this gift God has given you and doing that together.
And, I think, when our wives respond like that, or they're active, or they'll talk about it with us, or they'll look. We talk about Doug Russo's Celebration of Sex, has very Christian oriented, but it has sexual position drawings and stuff like that. That you're willing to look through that with him. And he says, "You want to try that and you go, "No."
He'll say, "Okay, what about this?"
"Yes, that looks great, let's do that." You're working on it together, as a team, that's what I, really, mean by this whole thing. Making sex a WE thing, that you're both involved in it. Just like we would talk about other areas of marriage. It's not one-sided, it's both of you being together and it's more than just two bodies.
Christina: Yes, absolutely, I think, that's good. I think when it comes to making it a WE thing, part of that is being present, and engaged, and being in it, if that makes sense. So being in it when you're engaging in sex.
I think of, I used to be a cheerleader and our cheer coach would, sometimes, when we were doing a dance routine. She would holler at the ladies, the girls who were, clearly, not into the dance routine. She'd be like, "Christina, you're not in it. You need to get into it."
And, so, you can tell when someone's not into something that they're doing physically. And, so, if you're not in, fully present, and, really, giving it your all, and engaged in the sex, your husband knows it.
And, so, that's just something to consider, as you're thinking about making it a “we” thing is. Is what does it look like to be all in to this thing that you're doing with your husband.
Dr. Kim: It's such a great thing you brought up. Because of a woman, and we talk about it all the time, her greatest sex organ is her mind. And if you're thinking about, "What are the kids doing."
"Oh, my gosh, this is what I got to do tomorrow."
All this other stuff. Give your mind a break just for whatever minutes and just focus on, "Oh, my gosh, look at this gift God gave us. This is a husband that loves me and adores me, and this means so much to him. I want to be engaged with this. I want to get out of it too." And you have to focus.
I mean, guys don't, it just, it happens, automatically. I don't know, there's just the switch and once it's on, it doesn't go off until we've had sex. But with the women, you've got to stay focused there. And, I think, what you'll find is that the sex will be better.
Your husband will be just ecstatic. He'll be so cool because our goal is to please you in sex. It's not, sure we want our-self to be pleased, but I want Nancy to be pleased, that's important to me. And, so, I love what you said, I think it is, it's taking that focus there.
Christina: Yes, being all in, that's good.
Dr. Kim: And you can pray about it. It's not an off-limit thing to pray about, "God help me to be present in this and thank you for this gift." God's not a prude, you can say anything to Him.
Christina: He created sex, He wants it to be good.
Dr. Kim: He created it. He knows how it works people, He created us that way.
Christina: Yes, that's so good. That is such a good point. I feel like it's such a helpful reminder when you remind us of that, Dr. Kim. Of God's not a prude, He created this, you can pray about it because it was His idea.
Dr. Kim: Exactly, it's okay.
Christina: Absolutely.
Dr. Kim: I've had couples that, actually, maybe, even during would just, "Thank you, God, this is such an incredible gift how you made this."
God's not going to go, "Oh, my gosh." No.
Christina: Yes, that's so true. I think of another part of making sex a we thing. I think a lot of men are the pursuers in sex, in the relationship. So, I think, part of this is making sure that the wife is initiating some of the times.
So, for instance, if in your marriage your, your husband is mostly the one who pursues you sexually, think of what that must be like for your husband. Imagine what it would be like if your husband never initiated sex with you. If you were, always, the one who had to pursue it or it wouldn't happen.
That's a lot of pressure and it could feel very rejecting. So try to remember that and make an effort to make sure you are initiating and you're pursuing sex with him as well. And that it's not all on him.
Dr. Kim: I agree. And, I think, guys, we know because we think about it more, we're going to initiate it most of the time. But it does, it means so much to us when our wives do. It goes back to that whole wanting our wife to want to.
Christina: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And, so, when you initiate, we're going to think, "You've cleared your mind to focus on this with me." And that's cool.
Christina: Yes, that's good. And I feel like we can't talk about making sex a we thing without plugging The Love Making Survey just because it's so helpful. We have a Love-Making Survey, it's in the show notes or you could always find it at awesomemarriage.com.
Under the Resource tab, under Marriage Resources. And the survey is 55 questions long and it's a non-threatening way to assess your sex life together. And really, get down to the details of your sex. So that you can have good, productive conversations about it. And, so, if this is an area where you feel you need to grow as a wife. And you need to make sex a we thing for your husband, this would be a great tool to help you get there.
Dr. Kim: That's great.
Christina: Yes. Well, like we mentioned last week with the ladies, we also polled the guys on Instagram to see what some guys were thinking about when it came to intimacy.
So three questions we asked the guys; what does intimacy mean to you?
How do you want intimacy?
And what would a perfect night of intimacy look like with your wife?
And, so, I just wanted to share some thoughts that they had. Some ways that they defined intimacy. There was just a few, they, all, were around the same thing.
They basically said non-sexual fun and activities, building through flirting and teasing, which leads to sex. So I thought that was good and it hit on a lot of the things that we discussed.
Dr. Kim: That we just talked about, absolutely.
Christina: Yes, and then some things that men said they wanted, when it came to intimacy, generous, physical intimacy. I thought that generous word was good.
Dr. Kim: It's an interesting word.
Christina: It is an interesting word, but it makes sense to me. Wholehearted, physical intimacy, it doesn't have to be sex. Just to be all into whatever it is that we're doing. Which, again, we talked about.
Respect, being a good partner and helper, kissing, laughing, touching, deep conversation and conversation without distraction. So some of the things guys said.
Dr. Kim: Yes, I think a lot of that goes back to, really, focusing. Really our wives just engaging with us and being there with us because then, I think, all those things can fall into place.
Christina: Yes, that's good.
Dr. Kim: It's, really, good stuff. Generous is a good word.
Christina: I like that too, yes. And then when I asked what would a perfect intimate night look like? Surprisingly, again, it was pretty much the same answers of dinner, activity, and sex. So that's, apparently, what couples want; dinner, talking, and sex.
Dr. Kim: I have a question, so do you feel like that, for most couples, if the guy, if there's dinner and activities, to put money on you, that the sex is expected?
Christina: I don't think that's true of every couple. I think date nights' sex should be required. I think if you're going to be having sex on a regular basis, it just makes sense to have sex on a date night and it's such a great way to connect together.
And, so, I don't think there's anything wrong, unless you're sick or you don't feel good, or there's some other reason. Obviously, if you just had a baby you're not allowed to have sex for a while. Things like that would prevent sex from happening. But I think doing something sexual together, on a date night, that's not a bad expectation to have, in my opinion.
Dr. Kim: Yes, I think, the thing is if you and Dylan have decided it is okay and, so, I think, that's important. I think I have a couple of women I thought of that have told me that they felt like a prostitute. "He takes me out, he spends this money on me, he gets home, he expects sex." And, so, what I had them do, I said, "let's talk about it, how often do you want to have sex a week?" So they came up with, whatever, two times.
I said, "What if we always say a date night is one of those times." So going into it, you know what to expect. That's something that's there so you can enjoy the time together, and you're not thinking about, "Oh, this is the only reason he's doing this."
And, for her, it was just reframing that thing in a way where she didn't feel like that was something that she had to do. The other thing, I think of would be important, this would be a, really, good time for the ladies to initiate.
Christina: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: If you've been out and you, really, feel close to him and you've had a great dinner together, and you've talked, had a good conversation, this might be the time that you initiate, and he will love it. He'll think it's the best sex he ever had.
Christina: Yes, absolutely.
Dr. Kim: "I had a great steak, I had a glass of wine, and she initiated, wow."
Christina: Yes.
Dr. Kim: That will go on his calendar, it will be circled and all kinds of stuff.
Christina: Yes, that's good and, I think, the key there, what I hear you saying Dr. Kim, is talk about it. Talk about it, get the expectations on the table, figure out what works for you.
And I do wonder if some of these women who feel like it shouldn't be expected or makes them feel bad, or dirty, or whatever like the exchange of it all, of expecting it on a date night. I wonder if there's some baggage there?
Was there something that happened in your past and is making you feel like that?
Is there something else in your marriage relationship that isn't going smoothly? And that's why you're feeling like sex is an obligation as opposed to a privilege, and an opportunity. So, I think, talking it out and, maybe, seeing a counselor would be a good next step.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely, that's a great point to bring up. If you get barriers, any of these things we're talking about, think about it, pray about it, and a counselor may be a great answer for you, at that point.
Christina: Yes, that's good. So we've talked about intimacy HER way and then intimacy HIS way. What do you think are the big similarities and what do you think are the big differences?
Dr. Kim: Well, when you look at that, I think, we both want connection. We just connect in different ways or feel the height of connection in different ways. And, I think, we both want physical intimacy. We both want that and it's how we get there that we've got to get on the same page. But, I think, those are the similarities. And those are, really, important with what we're talking about today.
Christina: Yes, definitely, and, I think, the differences are clear and the three things that we laid out. And the three for the ladies and the three things we laid out for the guys. But, also, everybody's a little different and, so, the best thing you can do is to talk to your spouse about these episodes. And say, "What do you crave when it comes to intimacy? Does this hit for you? Does it not hit for you?"
Because all of these things might not hit for every man and all of these things might not hit for every woman. And, so, making sure you're being a student of your spouse. And, really, learning what they want and crave intimacy is the best thing you can do when it comes to intimacy.
Dr. Kim: No, that's so good because when on both of this and the last podcast, I had a list of, maybe, seven or eight things. And, so, I prioritized them from my perspective and from counseling people. So this is not a definitive written in stone three things. Bring other things into it that are important to you or to her, or for your marriage.
Christina: Yes, definitely, and Dr. Kim just narrowed it down to three because I told him to. I just picked a number and I liked the number three, so that's why.
Dr. Kim: It was good.
Christina: Awesome. Well, this has been a great conversation. Do you have any final piece of thought for our listeners, today?
Dr. Kim: I think it is really good, just looking at it brings up something we talk about a lot and that is our differences. The way we are wired and, especially, in intimacy or the sexual relationship.
God did that for a reason and, I think, the more we can embrace that the more we can say, "Okay, God, this is it, so it's got to be good." And pursue that instead of complaining about it and thinking, "Oh, I wish she had the same sex drive as I do."
Yes, well, every guy thinks that at some point. But the way God designed it you'll find, over time, how His design works, it's the best. And, so, I would encourage you to pursue that and discuss this, talk about this together. These are great things to talk about. Use the resources we've talked about too. That's a great way, "Well, I don't know where to start." Well, one of the resources that's your jump start.
Christina: Yes, that is so good, awesome.
[00:23:12] < Music >
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