The Worst Marriage Advice We've Heard | Ep. 529
[00:00:00] < Intro >
Lindsay: Welcome to The Awesome Marriage Podcast. A place for honest conversations and practical advice on how to build an awesome marriage. I am your podcast producer and co-host Lindsay Few. On the show will be our host, Dr. Kim Kimberling. Dr. Kim is a marriage counselor and has been married for over 50 years. His passion is to help you strengthen your most intimate relationship.
Bad advice can be irritating but it can even be damaging. And when it comes to bad marriage advice, we have heard some doozies. So today, Dr. Kim and I are sharing some of the bad marriage advice we've heard over the years. In the hopes that you can call out the bad advice you've heard for what it is, and just chuck it.
Dr. Kim: We're so glad you guys are listening today, especially, with this great topic. If the podcast has helped your marriage, please take a minute to leave us a rating and a review. It's really one of the best ways to make us more visible to people that really haven't found us yet. And there's a lot of marriage content out there, and we're passionate about bringing God's purpose for marriage into the podcast space. If you can help us make that happen, I'd ask you to do that.
Lindsay: Yes, really does help so much, so we appreciate it.
Dr. Kim: Mm-hmm.
Lindsay: So, first off, as we tackle this topic today, we're not doing this to pick on people or to throw anyone under the bus. But really it's helpful to recognize when a piece of advice is bad so that you don't feel like you have to keep following it.
And I feel like I learned this in the first year of our marriage. Brian and I had heard the advice to; "Never go to bed angry."
"Don't let the sun set on your anger," Paul says that [00:01:37].
But the way we were interpreting it was that if we were in an argument, that we had to keep on fighting it out until we got to a resolution. And, so, we're newlyweds, it's the first year of marriage, we're not very skilled at our marriage communication skills.
And we would get in this pattern of, it's bedtime, we're tired, we're worn out, but we have to finish this argument. So we'd just keep going, and then you get more tired, you get more heated, and it just was not productive, it was not helpful.
And I feel like it ended up just getting us dug into some deeper issues, that if we had just kind of said, "Hey, listen, we want to work this out, it's not really a good time." We probably could have made more progress in the morning, when we were probably thinking a little more clearly, and not so whipped into it.
Dr. Kim: Yes, I think that's something a lot of us heard. And, I think, when you really think about it, you're probably trying to solve something at the worst time.
You're the end of the day, you're tired, you can get frustrated easily, plus, you need sleep. And, so, then if you stay up arguing the rest of the night, well, that ruins the next day and you'll probably fight more then. So it's like just this cycle that you get into.
But I think a lot of us have heard that, and I love what you said. It's really just saying, "Hey, let's talk about this tomorrow, we'll do it." Set a time to do it and then talk about it then, and resolve it then.
Lindsay: Yes, and that is one of those things, that once we realized we don't have to follow that model, it was like a weight off our shoulders. Because we thought, we were like, "Oh, it's not a good marriage if we don't follow that advice." Well, that's not true.
Dr. Kim: Right, because depending on who says something like that to you, sometimes you just write it in stone, and it shouldn't be written in stone, some of the things.
Lindsay: Yes, well, that is true, and I have a feeling we'll get into some of those later, too, as we go on.
Dr. Kim: Yes.
Lindsay: So, Dr. Kim, did you ever hear any bad advice, but not realize that it was bad?
Dr. Kim: Oh, yes, I think the one, and maybe a lot of guys have this, we think that sex will solve the problem, whatever it is. And I think that's why guys, just because we're in sex, a man gets a lot of his gratefulness out of that by pleasing his wife. And, so, you think, "Okay, if we've had a fight and she has sex with me then everything's going to be okay. Because that proves that she still cares for me and loves me and blah, blah, blah."
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And it doesn't. It just makes it worse, or it doesn't happen, or all those kinds of things. So that was something that I had to get out of my mind and think, "This isn't working."
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: I think it was a long time before I shared that with Nancy, and she just looked at me like, "I can't believe you ever believed that." And I was like, "Well, I was a guy who was 20." Anything that had sex in it, I was like, "Okay, we're all over that deal."
Lindsay: Right.
Dr. Kim: And, so, I think, and a couple of things that helped them with us then. And, I think, it kept me from really figuring out how to solve problems with her. Because I had my go-to, but it wasn't working.
But then I really didn't know what to do. And, so, it took some work for us, like you were saying, to get there. To understand what really does it take to solve a problem.
That I've really got to listen to my wife, she's got to listen to me. We've got to try to have empathy, understanding with each other, and then try to solve the problem.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm, yes, that's good. Because going into marriage, I feel like there's the idea of like, "Oh, makeup sex is the best." Or, "You kiss and make up." And I think you're right, it really can be a crutch to like you never really deal with a thing, if you don't ever address it. But you're just saying, "Oh, we've had sex, so I guess we're good." It's not really solving anything.
Dr. Kim: No.
Lindsay: And, so, that can get you in some bad patterns, for sure.
Dr. Kim: That's right, you're just setting it aside instead of really dealing with that. And then you medicate it with sex and then you go on, and then you've never resolved it, and those things just pile up. And at some point, it's all going to topple down on you.
Lindsay: Yes, yikes, that's true, and I feel like we've seen that, to some degree, in our marriage and seen it with other people. That you feel like you can just hug it out, overlook it, overlook things, and never deal with them, but they're still there.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely. Well, another one that I think, and I'm not sure where I bought into it, but that, "Love conquers everything." There was a movie that came out, it was right after we got married, Love Story, I guess. And the mantra in it was, "Love means you never have to say you're sorry." Well, that's not true either.
And, so, I think, love is important and we want to have that in our marriage, but you still got to deal with things. You still got to listen to each other. You've got to do the things you need to do, to make a marriage work. And you can't just say, "Well, because we love each other."
Because I think when we don't do the other things, we start chipping away at that love. And all of a sudden, that closeness we felt we began to feel a little distance because love doesn't conquer everything.
I think one of my naive things, thinking back, was when I first started into counseling and just all that and started working with couples. And I thought, "Well, Christian couples are going to be so easy because they love Jesus and hopefully they love each other, and it'll be so easy." No, Christian couples have the same problems that everybody else has and some different problems that other people have.
And, so, love, certainly, is a constraint, it's good, it keeps you in a marriage, it helps you value your marriage. But you still got to do other things to make your marriage what it needs to be.
Lindsay: Yes, absolutely, I think that's a great point because I've heard people say, especially in the church specifically, I've heard people say, "Oh, I don't believe in love languages. Or "I don't believe in counseling or all these things because the Gospel should be enough. Let's just love like Jesus loved."
Dr. Kim: Yes.
Lindsay: And we don't need anything else. Don't add anything to it, and I understand where the heart's coming from. I think it's a well-intended sentiment, usually, sometimes it's just a really stubborn person who's not teachable and prideful. So I've seen that, that's definitely an option. But, also, it could just be this oversimplification, the idea that we love like Jesus, is a beautiful idea but we're not Him. We need teaching and training and wisdom.
We need the humility to say, "Actually, I don't know how to do this, I need some skills to apply that." And that's where I think the other stuff, learning how to deal with stuff can actually make us love more like Jesus. But we need some more applied knowledge, sometimes, to get from point A to point B.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely. And I think when you really think about it, Jesus did counseling with people. He would meet them where they were. He would give them counsel, like the woman at the well, and then, "Go and sin no more." And that He knew about her and, so, I think there's Jesus' love. But He also confronted people in a loving way. And, so, I think, those things have to be a part of it also, and Jesus did those things.
Lindsay: Yes, He did. And I think a lot of us, we see the ideal and we just need some steps to get there, from where we are to where we want to be.
Dr. Kim: Yes, and just like you said, we're not Jesus, and He's our model, absolutely, but in this life we're not going to attain that. And, so, we do need the help of others and we do need counsel and those kinds of things.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm. So, I mean, I think it just can be really harmful if you're believing that you shouldn't need that, it can be really discouraging. It can really tempt us to be really stubborn about things. When just being open to learning more would help a lot more than trying to be this perfect spouse, without any education or without any steps.
Dr. Kim: Yes, or talking to your spouse. I mean, just some basic things that can make a difference.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm, yes, that's good. So are there other pieces of bad advice? The ones you gave were really good, but do you have any others that you've heard?
Dr. Kim: Yes, as I thought through, I probably could think a bunch of them, I've heard from different people. I think one of the things is the whole submission thing, in Ephesians five. That's how easy it is for people to take that wrong. And to see that wife is supposed to be submissive to her husband and everything. And I think it had been abused in the past.
I think the church, in some ways, had abused it, certain churches. And to realize that it also says in there, that husbands are supposed to be submissive to their wives. And I think what God is saying, is we get a way of selfishness in a marriage relationship. Now, I think God put us as the head of the family, but I think we each have our roles and we're each equal.
And, so, in my relationship, it's not right for me to think Nancy should just submit to me in everything. She has her own mind, she seeks the Lord, she has wisdom in that area. And, so, I need to listen to that, and I think sometimes people get hung up on that.
When I teach Prep for Marriage live, I always use this verse because, in today's culture, a lot of women will speak up and they'll say how they see that, and how they interpret it. And then try to help them see, "I think this is what Jesus really wanted us to do. I think this is what Paul was talking about in his letter." To make it a broader thing. But I think that word submission, it's just a red flag to a lot of people.
Lindsay: Yes, certainly, and I think probably coming from having some baggage of seeing it done poorly or seeing it done in a hurtful way.
Dr. Kim: Yes, absolutely. Another thing I thought of is really who do you talk to when you have problems in your marriage? And I think sometimes the bad advice is, "Well, go to your family." Because they love you, they care for you, that kind of thing.
Or go to a best friend, those kinds of things, and I think you have to be very careful about that message. Of who do you go to when you have problems? Because I've seen people that go to family when they have problems, really bad problems, and then the couple works it out.
Well, then there's this black mark on your spouse for a long time. Because your family 99% of the time is going to take your side, and they're going to make them the villain. So I think you have to be careful with that.
And I think also the friends you talk to. If you're going to talk to a friend, a trusted friend about your marriage, you got to talk to somebody that values marriage. That is for your marriage. Not somebody that's in the middle probably of a divorce or went through a bad divorce. Because they've got certain things they've got to work through before they could come alongside somebody and help them.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: Yes, a couple of others that, "Divorce is an option." And this is taking aside the things that we know God allows for divorce: Unrepented adultery and obvious, separation for abuse and things like that.
But that people need to take divorce off the table because it makes you work harder. Because I think it's so easy, today, to just say, "Eh, it's not working, I probably married the wrong person."
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And then you get divorced, what happens, you marry the wrong person again because you didn't deal with anything, and you go through this series of, "I married the wrong person. I married the wrong person."
And, so, I think when a couple takes divorce and says, "It's not an option in our marriage." Then I think that gives you a level of commitment that you don't have without that. Then it's like, "Okay, we're committed to this, we're not going to get a divorce. How do we figure this out, and who do we go to help us figure that out?"
So I think when you go into marriage thinking divorce is an option, and I know people who have done that. I've had brides tell me, getting ready to walk them down the aisle, "I wasn't sure if I should do this or not, but I knew I could always get out of it later."
And, so, I think just knowing going into it, when you're dating, engaged. When you're getting ready to take that step, to know, to make that commitment to each other, that divorce is not an option in that.
Lindsay: Yes, that changes.
Dr. Kim: I think the other one I thought of was that "Conflict is a sign of a bad marriage and you're not supposed to fight." And that, probably, came in a little bit, and my parents were great, but they really never fought in front of us.
So I had to learn that, yes, they had a conflict but they did it privately. And which in some ways was probably a little bit of a disservice as us growing up. Because they could resolve conflict, and I think we could have learned, "Yes, you have conflict in marriage. Yes, you're going to have differences but there's a right way and a wrong way to resolve that, and when you resolve it in the right way, your marriage grows."
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: Anyway, those are some of the things that just came into mind, as I was thinking about this. And that I see people buy into that really is bad advice, and can cause problems in your marriage relationship, until you decide, "Hey, this isn't right."
Lindsay: Yes, that's so good. That conflict piece, I definitely experienced that, too. Because my parents, I love them, we didn't think they fought, we never knew. And I remember, early in marriage, when we were staying up late all the time trying to solve our issues, asking my mom, "I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but I remember you guys never fought. What are we doing wrong?"
And she said, "Oh, we definitely did, we had our disagreements. We just didn't do it where you saw." And, also, their personalities are a little different. And in this house, Brian and I are a little more like you and Nancy are. We speak our minds pretty freely and we're going to let our opinions be known, and it's a match. It works for us, but every couple has their own thing.
But I've heard a lot of people who use that lack of fighting as a badge of honor. But if you're just sitting on top of a mountain of conflict, that's unresolved because you can't speak it. You're not better off you got to deal with stuff.
Dr. Kim: I agree. If a couple tells me they never have conflict or argument. I would think they're not being honest with me or that they just have no connection.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: So there's no way to because I think conflict is healthy when you learn how to resolve it in a good way. Because you grow through that and you learn to understand each other better. So when we avoid it or we don't fight in the right way, that's not good.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And healthy conflict is where you resolve it and it's a win for your marriage, and then you move on.
Lindsay: Yes, and you're not creating more trouble in the way that you're handling it together.
Dr. Kim: Right, absolutely.
Lindsay: Yes, I've heard a couple of bad, I'll just interject a couple, and then I want to hear all the other ones you have too. But some of the things you were saying reminded me of one marriage thing I've heard about, "Okay, marriage will go great if you just follow the golden rule. Just treat the other person the way you want to be treated."
Which is another one that's great in theory, but you don't really know, "Does your spouse want the same treatment you want?" Because they're a different person. And, so, if I have a completely different personality from Brian, which I do, and so the way I want to be treated is, "Oh, bring me a cup of coffee and then leave me alone to read my book." That's not what he wants. He wants a totally different thing because we're two totally different people.
And, so, I think that can lead to us trying to serve in these love languages, or in these certain styles that suit us. Serving and loving from this perspective we know, rather than getting to know what really speaks to them.
Dr. Kim: Yes, I think Gary Chapman makes that point really well, in Five Love Languages. That usually we love our spouse like we want to be loved. And I don't know that I've ever had a couple, where they both had the main love language was the same.
Maybe there have been, but I can't think of it. So the way I love Nancy is going to be different from the way I want to be loved. And, so, yes, I think that's a really good point.
Lindsay: Hmm, yes, that's a tough one. And then another one is that your spouse should complete you or make you happy.
Dr. Kim: Yes, that movie.
Lindsay: Oh, gosh, “You complete me.”
Dr. Kim: Yes, exactly, and everybody and all the women go "aah" in the movie theater. I can just still remember the sighs that went up over it, and I kind of bought into it for a minute.
And I started thinking about it, I said, "Really?" And then I realized that's God's job. And if you try to make your wife or husband do that, you're just setting them over for failure.
Lindsay: Yes, it's almost idolatry, really. Because it's putting God's job onto something that's not God, which they can't fulfill.
Dr. Kim: Right, because we're sinners and we're just not going to consistently, and we try, I mean, I want to be the husband Nancy wants me to be. I want that to be the way God wants me to be, but I'm going to screw up.
Lindsay: Right, well, and even at our best we aren't able to offer what God does.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely, that's a good point. Sometimes I think I'm hitting home runs as a husband and I'm not, I'm just not.
Lindsay: And maybe you are. But even if you're doing your very best and Nancy is having a bad day, you can't fix that for her and vice versa.
Dr. Kim: Exactly.
Lindsay: Yes, that's a tough path but it's helpful to take that pressure off for sure, really helpful.
Dr. Kim: Yes, absolutely.
Lindsay: Okay, one more, and this is one that just really pushed my buttons when I heard it. Because I heard this piece of advice from a number of Christian women, who'd been married for years. Which is, "If you don't want him to know you went shopping, just hide those shopping bags in your trunk, and bring him in the house when he's not around to see it." Have you heard that? Oh, my gosh!
Dr. Kim: Yes, I know women that tell me that in counseling, like it's okay.
Lindsay: Yes, I was floored. I was like, "Are you serious right now?" Because by that point I'd realized enough to know that's not good advice.
Dr. Kim: No, that is not.
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: No, not at all. Yes, and I don't know where that comes from. I don't know if it's the culture within their marriage. But how are you paying for it? Somewhere it's going to show up.
Lindsay: Yes, at some point.
Dr. Kim: Either money out of the bank or something like that, or maybe her husband just doesn't pay attention to those things. But anytime we do something that puts dishonesty or deceit in any level in our marriage, that's not good.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: It could escalate; it could get worse. And then what happens if you do that for four or five years and your spouse finally finds out? Then you're in trouble. In big trouble.
Lindsay: Yes, probably in more ways than one.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely.
[00:20:07] < Music >
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[00:21:05] < Music >
Dr. Kim: Those are probably the main ones that I had, and there are probably a lot of them. I wish we had a place, now, where we could have people call in and give us theirs right now.
Because I'm sure there are people listening, that are thinking of things that, "Oh, they didn't say this and this is something I was told."
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And most of it is from well-meaning people. I mean, I don't think it's somebody that says, "Huh, I'm going to get them to do this, so it'll train-wreck their marriage." No, I think, they're well-meaning.
And, so, I think we just have to be careful and filter through those things. "Does this even make sense? Does it really make sense to put my packages in the trunk and wait till my husband goes to the grocery store, till I bring them inside?" When are you going to wear that?
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: Of course, if he's not that observant, if he never knows. But, anyway, it's just not healthy and it's just not a victory hiding it from someone, I think it's a failure, it's a loss, you can't do that.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm, yes, you might get to keep that cute shirt, but you're losing trust, you're losing closeness.
Dr. Kim: And I would advise someone and tell them, I said, "Let's get it on the table. Let's be honest about it and let's have a restart and move forward from here." And be honest about things.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm, yes, that's really good, and I hope that that is obvious why that's more worth it than keeping your shoes and whatever kind of things.
Dr. Kim: Yes.
Lindsay: So this begs the question, how can we recognize when someone is giving bad advice? How can we know the telltale signs of that?
Dr. Kim: I think, really, the first filter is, does it really honor God's plan for marriage? And does it really fall under that God wants us to love, care, to grow, to just to walk through life with someone, and is that going to help that or is it not?
Is it selfish? I think that's a really good one that I have to use a lot because I have such a tendency toward selfishness. And, so, if someone gave me certain advice that would fall under that, well, I've got to reject that. And I think we hear a lot of that in our culture today, with everything's about me, and for a lot of people, everything's about me.
Well, if you're in a marriage and everything's about you, your marriage isn't going to work, at some point, it's just not. And, so, that really is when you boil that down it's what selfishness does. And God created us, I believe, for a relationship with our spouse, with our family, with friends, those kinds of things.
And, so, anything that I do that gets in the way of that by being selfish, is just not going to be good, it's going to be bad advice, and it's not going to take me where I want my marriage or other relationships to be.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm, yes, that's a great filter. Because it's really simple but it's definitely effective.
Dr. Kim: Yes, absolutely. And I think any advice you get that seems more slanted toward you. Again, as opposed to you and your spouse together and your marriage, then that's probably not going to be healthy either.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: If someone is giving us advice, it needs to be good for me, for Nancy, and for marriage. And if it's not, then why am I going to do that? Because then I think it's going to fall in, "I'm doing it for me." And then it falls into being selfish, and then when I'm selfish, I'm not honoring God's plan for marriage. So I think all three of those really can tie together when people give us bad advice.
Lindsay: Yes, I think that one thing I see in common, too, is most of this piece of advice you wouldn't really want to talk to your spouse about. A lot of it's like, "Here's how you get them to do something."
Or "Here's how you get a certain result." They're almost all focused on a shortcut to what you want, rather than dealing with something harder. So if you think about some of the pieces of advice might be propping up the one spouse as either a martyr or a hero.
So "Oh, no, I'll just make them really happy and make them like me a lot. Get all my brownie points, and then they'll do the things I want." Or then they'll be happy, as opposed to having a natural give and take.
So it's kind of like dealing with a spouse in a one-sided fashion or just getting something you want. Like getting to keep that shopping bags, getting your stuff that you bought. Getting to keep that without dealing with your spouse.
So like you said, it's kind of un-relational advice. Because it's, essentially, trying to get what you selfishly want out of the marriage on your own.
Dr. Kim: Yes, absolutely, and there's a difference in trying to build your marriage. And, so, you figure out something that makes your spouse feel really loved. That's not selfish of me, to love Nancy the way she wants to and needs to be loved, and then so she will love me back. Because I think that's what we want in our marriage.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: It's when it becomes more manipulation, and when it comes back it's really more about me than it is our marriage, then, that's a red flag.
Lindsay: Yes, if you want to keep them happy so you don't have to deal with an angry spouse or something that's not great.
Dr. Kim: Yes. "Here's the credit card, go shop."
Lindsay: Yes, just to get them off your back.
Dr. Kim: Yes, exactly.
Lindsay: That's good. So, I don't want to pick on anybody. But I am curious, are there certain sources where you often see people getting their bad advice?
Dr. Kim: Yes, I think a lot of it does come from family because they're going to see your side first. Now, I think, if Nancy and I had gone to my parents because we valued their marriage, and we're coming to them, not with a problem, but, "How did you grow your marriage?" Or just as mentors then that's very different.
But if you're going to take your problems, your family's just, most of the time, going to take your side or they're going to take somebody's side in the situation. And I think the other place, the other source that really can get us in trouble when you get advice from friends that just have a really bad marriage.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: Because they need help and they're at that time in their life, in their marriage, that they're on the stretcher, and it's hard to help someone else when you're on the stretcher. So if you're talking to friends, it's got to be friends that have a good marriage, value marriage, and have a healthy marriage.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: That they're not on the stretcher, and that it helps you take that good counsel, and help you get off the stretcher.
Lindsay: Yes, absolutely, and I think to call out, not to them, but to know for yourself, like, "Hey, this person's marriage does not have good food, is not in a healthy place." Is not a judgment on them but is wisdom for you.
Dr. Kim: Right.
Lindsay: And, so, it is wise to pay mind to what you're listening to and to filter what's coming in your mind, and what you're taking to heart, for sure.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely.
Lindsay: Another place I've seen a lot of bad advice is the internet, not surprisingly.
Dr. Kim: Yes, gosh, I don't know why I didn't think of that, but yes.
Lindsay: Yes, a lot of message boards out there, a lot of forums, and you just really have to filter through. And put it through a filter of, like you said, Dr. Kim, "Does this line up with God's plan for marriage?" Which is oneness and unity.
Dr. Kim: Yes, and is it just somebody that's got— you don't know who's on the other side of that advice a lot of times. I mean, maybe you're in a group and it's just your friends and you know more about that. But sometimes people will tell me and they've taken advice, they get off the internet they have no idea who that person was.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: They could have a good marriage, a bad marriage, whatever. So, I think, you've got to really be careful with things like that. And even just kind of reading through that just to see what people are saying about a topic. You can be influenced, you just got to be careful of where you go, and where you let your mind go, and what you let into your mind.
I mean, Paul talks about that a lot, I think, it's so true. We can be influenced without even realizing how bad we've been influenced, or that we've been influenced.
Lindsay: Yes, that's true, the Proverbs speaks to that a lot, too. They say, "Searching for wisdom is like treasure." That implies, already, that you have to work, you have to look for it, and search for it.
Dr. Kim: Right.
Lindsay: And, so, it's not necessarily the easiest thing, but it's also very valuable. And, so, I mean, we're just so inundated with content everywhere, tons of stuff on every platform. And, so, it's really easy to assume that everyone's an expert when that's not, necessarily, the case.
Dr. Kim: Yes, absolutely, and we're just susceptible to it and, especially, if it goes along with what we want somebody to tell us, anyway.
Lindsay: That's true. Yes, that's really true.
Dr. Kim: On the internet, you can probably always find somebody that's going to agree with your position. And if you're way off base and they're way off base, that's not going to do anything for your marriage.
Lindsay: Oh, my gosh, that is so true. Yes, that's a great filter, it's just, like me, looking for what I want to hear.
Dr. Kim: Exactly, which you can always find somebody, there's always someone that's going to speak that to you.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm, well, so what steps do we need to take to protect ourselves from falling prey to bad advice?
Dr. Kim: I always go back to prayer on so many things. But I think praying about who you talk to. If you feel like, "I really need someone." And I think, well, men and women both, we need somebody that we can just talk to, that we trust, that we can confide in, that we would value any advice that they have.
We're always supposed to have a Timothy and a Paul in our lives. Someone who's younger that we can mentor and someone older that can mentor us, which I think is really good.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: So, I think, finding someone who loves you enough to tell you that you're wrong if you are, to walk alongside of you. And, so, I think really being cautious about who you talk to and praying about God, "Bring that person into my life. Let that person be."
And then I think the other is, certainly, going to counseling. Finding a good Christian counselor, what you talked about to them is going to be confidential. Their counsel should be coming from the Bible and from what God would have us do in marriage.
And, so, I think finding people that you trust is going to be a big part of not getting bad advice. And I tell people, "If you go to a counselor and they're—" And you think, "I'm not sure that's what God would say." Then don't go back to that counselor. Find one that really is going to uphold your marriage, and God's plan for marriage, and what God wants for your life.
Lindsay: Yes, certainly, those are great steps. I'll add a couple more because I think one really essential thing is the prayer that you talk about, from Psalm 139, "Search me and know my heart, Lord. See if there's any—" What does he say? "Unfaithful way?"
Dr. Kim: "Offensive way."
Lindsay: "Offensive way." And I think that prayer of everyday confession and repentance, can help us a lot with this. Because, like we were saying, if you're listening to bad advice, it might be because you're trying to do something that's not really God's way.
It might be selfish; it might be selfishly motivated. And, so, I think that just asking God to search you and to convict you, when you do that He will answer.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely.
Lindsay: It's always a fruitful prayer. Even if it's a little bit painful, it'll get you back in the right path.
Dr. Kim: Right, and God's never, and I figured out over our marriage, God has never done anything in me or Nancy. That's not good for us or our marriage, ever, and I think when you invite the Holy Spirit in, you've got your filter, then, you just got to listen.
Lindsay: You just got to listen.
Dr. Kim: But sometimes it's like, "Oh, Holy Spirit, don't you need a vacation? Can't you just leave for just a little bit?" Now, I think if you invite Him in with that prayer, He's going to answer it. And, so, you got a choice then, do you listen or do you not listen? If you listen, it's going to be better, always.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm, yes, and the truth about going to God and going to the Word, is that He not only created marriage, the concept of it, He also created you and your spouse.
Dr. Kim: Yes.
Lindsay: So He knows all three of those things better than you do or ever will.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely.
Lindsay: And, so, His way and His understanding is so much greater, so it's a really great place to start.
Dr. Kim: You said something there that made me really think that, and this goes along with getting advice. But Nancy and I, there will never be another marriage like ours. There will never be another marriage like yours and Brian, each one of us is very unique.
So each one, yes, we have some common needs and things like that, but, as a couple, we're going to have some needs that might be different from another couple's. We grew up in different places, our family origin, all those things that we blend together when we get in marriage. And, so, there's a real uniqueness there, and the only one that, totally, understands all of that is God.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: I mean, this doesn't. Counselors will try. I try to help and understand people. I don't know people even up a drop in the ocean compared to how well God knows us.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm, yes, that's cool. And I always love when we think about that concept, too. Because it's like, "Okay, your marriage is unique on purpose and God knows that, and He put that together and can do a lot through it." So that's really a cool thing to think about.
Dr. Kim: And He has a purpose for our marriage. And if we're getting bad advice, if we're not connecting. It's hard to fulfill the purpose He has for us, and that's when you are going to be most fulfilled, individually, in your marriage.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm, yes, that's really good, I love that. So this conversation has been really helpful, and I think it should shed some light on some things that people might be dealing with. Do you have any final piece of advice for our listeners today?
Dr. Kim: Yes, I hope it sparks some interest, and maybe taking some time, and maybe sit down with your spouse and brainstorm on that. "Is there some marriage advice that we've been given that just doesn't work or it's not good for us?" And maybe take some time to just talk about that. Or maybe you pray about it and journal a little bit and see what God tells you in that.
Because a lot of time, when we believe a lie, like a lot of these things we've talked about with advice. When we believe that as truth, we act on this truth even though it's a lie. And, so, asking God to help with it, "Is there some marriage advice that I've just taken as gospel that's not?" And then once you identify it, then you begin the steps of working out of that.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm, yes, that's good. That's kind of a fun thing to think through, too. To sit down and go, "Okay, what have we heard?"
Dr. Kim: Absolutely.
Lindsay: It might free you up.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely.
Lindsay: Yes, okay, so we're going to finish with this week's anonymous listener question. Which someone submitted through The Daily One Thing Email, the question box there.
So this one says, "Though, my husband says he's a believer, he refuses to go to church 99% of the time. He started out going when we had our first child but slowly, over the years, his attendance has dwindled to nearly nothing.
My children are getting older, they're starting to notice. What do I do to keep from getting angry and resentful over this? He's such a good man and a loving father, and I just don't understand why he is still reluctant to go to church."
Dr. Kim: Yes, I think that's tough. I hear that from other people, for sure, and if it's not evident to you why he is not. I think, first place, you accept where he is. Continuing to nag him or be on him about it is really not going to get him there, I don't think.
Invite him, sure, say, "Hey, we're going to church Sunday, and we'd love for you to join us this week." And if he says, "No" then that's it. And then just praying for God to work in his heart. There's a deeper thing that might be there. Maybe something has happened in his life that you don't know about that changed that.
Maybe it was something that happened, I don't know that, whatever it is. Maybe he feels God can't forgive him. Maybe he feels like God let him down. Maybe he prayed for something and God didn't answer in the way he thought he did.
And, so, sometimes it goes deeper than that. And, so, if it does, I think that's where you really ask God to work in their heart to and work on the communication with him. Maybe, at some point, he'll feel safe enough to talk to you about it.
But I think Jesus, always, when He met people, He accepted them where they are. And then He would teach them whatever they needed to learn at that time. But I think that was He could relate to anybody, and I think He accepts me where I am, and then He's got a plan for me.
So I think our role is to not get in the way of the Holy Spirit. To accept them where they are, continue inviting him to church, and ask God to work in his heart.
Lindsay: Yes, that's good. And every time we get questions too, we're praying for the couples who send them, even though we don't keep the names or anything. But we do pray for them and help in any way we can.
So if you have a question you would like to hear Dr. Kim answer here, make sure you subscribe to The Daily One Thing to Grow Your Marriage email, and you can submit a question right through that email.
So we will link to all the resources we've mentioned today. So that you can use those tools and you can always reach out to us at info@awesomemarriage.com if we have missed some glaring piece of a bad advice that you want to hear talked about, we could answer that on a future episode.
Make sure you're following us on Instagram, Facebook, and following Dr. Kim on TikTok and all those links are in the show notes, as well. We, as always, are so thankful that you listened today and took the time to share it with us. Have a great day and do something awesome for your marriage today.
[00:39:07] < Music >
Announcer: Do you want to be healthy, so that your marriage can be healthy? We want to help you with that. Your marriage can only be as healthy as the two of you. Your part, in that, is to seek health for yourself.
We have created the Self-Check In Guide. A tool for growing in self-awareness to help you check in with yourself and grow. Being self-aware is a gift to yourself, your spouse, and everyone around you.
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Take hold of healthy thoughts and behavior, and walk away from unhealthy thoughts and behavior. When you are cognizant of yourself and your thoughts, you can more easily take hold of the truth and toss out the lies.
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[00:42:11] < Music >