Practical Tips for Blended Families with Special Guests Scott and Vanessa Martindale | Episode 528
00:00:00] < Intro >
Lindsay: Welcome to The Awesome Marriage podcast. A place for honest conversations and practical advice on how to build an awesome marriage. I am your podcast producer and co-host Lindsay Few. On the show will be our host, Dr. Kim Kimberling.
Dr. Kim is a marriage counselor and has been married for over 50 years. His passion is to help you strengthen your most intimate relationship.
[00:00:31] < Music >
Dr. Kim: Welcome to today's Awesome Marriage podcast. Today, I'm excited to have Scott and Vanessa Martindale join us today. They're founders of Blended Kingdom Families. It's a stepfamily ministry that exists to break the cycle of divorce, to equip marriages, and to unite blended families with the truth of God's Word.
Scott and Vanessa offer biblically based resources for blended families. Including a podcast, and they released their first book Blended and Redeemed. I'm so excited to have them join us, they're going to be a great help for so many families. Let's go to the studio now.
Well, I'm excited today to welcome Scott and Vanessa. Thank you guys for being a part of this. It's so good to see you.
Scott: Great to see you, Dr. Kim.
Vanessa: Yes, thank you so much for having us.
Dr. Kim: Great to connect again, and you guys are part of the Online Marriage Retreat this year. And, so, it's really fun to do ministry with you guys, and I love everything that you guys are doing. So let's go back to the beginning, what really led you to start Blended Kingdom Families?
Scott: Vanessa, she'll go first.
Dr. Kim: Okay.
Vanessa: Honestly, Dr. Kim, the ministry really birthed in a season of just our own brokenness. We were in a, really, tough season of litigation with our blended family. And we reached out to the local church for stepfamily resources and at the time we could not find anything.
Dr. Kim: Mm-hmm.
Vanessa: And little did we know, after we went through this season of litigation. The Lord just really performed a miracle in our relationship with my ex-spouse and our co-parenting relationship, which has been amazing.
It was about six months after that, one day, just in prayer and just having communion with the Lord, He just dropped this revelation in our lap of a blended family ministry. And that is when we launched the ministry in January of 2020.
Dr. Kim: Wow. It is so needed and I think you're right. It's amazing how many people are in that situation and the lack of resources that have been there over the years. And because so many people, there's such a need there. That's a great story. It's amazing how God works, and then He just opens up a door and He says, "I want you to walk through that door." And you guys did, that's really cool.
What are some of the common pain points that you guys see in blended families?
Scott: I think there's a lot, depending upon the stage of your blended family. I think that's one of the things to recognize right up front is blended families, whether you have infant children or you have, maybe, elementary school, or junior high, or high school, or adult children, all of those dynamics carry with it certain pain points.
I think we as a ministry see a lot in that mid-range, from elementary to early teenage years. Where, maybe, the co-parents have been living in disunity for years and they just really haven't recovered from past pains. Or the trauma they experienced in their divorce, they just have not let that go or gone to the Lord for forgiveness and really started healing those wounds. So as the more difficult parenting questions start coming up, the disunity starts to show very quickly.
Dr. Kim: Mm-hmm.
Scott: I think that's one of the big ones that we see in the ministry.
Vanessa: Yes, I would say another one, Dr. Kim, is, I think, people who come from divorce and they have this alliance to the child that they bring into the marriage. It's learning how to place your spouse above your children's needs.
And, so, a lot of times the priorities are out of line and it's God first, children, then spouse. And, so, we see a lot of that in, especially, people who remarry. And just a lot of fear surrounding, "Am I going to get divorced again?"
"Is my new spouse going to divorce me if we get into an argument?" Things like that. And, so, I think, surrounding marriage, I would say that's number one is, just not knowing how to prioritize your marriage above your children.
Dr. Kim: Yes, I think, that really hits the nail on the head. I mean, why do you feel like people do that? Is it a protective thing of, "Well, these are my kids and I've got to take care of them." What do you see goes behind that thinking? Because I think it's pretty prevalent.
Vanessa: Mm-hmm.
Scott: Yes, I would say, and again, the understandable side of this is as you've gone through divorce and you've seen your children go through pain of divorce. The last thing you want to do is expose them to that again. Or make them feel like they didn't sit at the top of the priority of those decision making abilities of, "Hey, you got remarried again and I wasn't a factor in that and I've gotten hurt again."
So I think parents have a natural tendency to protect. But we know, and, Dr. Kim, I'm sure you teach this as well, that the priority of your marriage has to be at the top, second only to your relationship with Christ. So that you can show your children a healthy marriage.
Dr. Kim: Mm-hmm.
Vanessa: Mh-hmm. I would say, coming from divorce and, actually, being in that situation and fearing that. I would say, Dr. Kim, there's even some codependency in that. It was my son and I for about six years before Scott and I were married.
So my alliance was to him, and just like Scott said there, he had been through so much already. There was so much trauma. There was so much pain and hurt that he was working through that I was working through, and then there was the fear in that.
But because I had been in the driver's seat for so long and my son was in the passenger seat. That dynamic now changed to Scott was driving, I was in the passenger seat, and now my son was in the back seat. And, so, just having to almost rewire my thinking and understanding what my priorities were, that was a big transition for us.
Scott: Yes, I want to add one more thing to that because I know we talk about that a lot in explaining that. But there are a lot of practical things that really go along with aligning those priorities in your marriage, that we get into a lot in our book. That it is a little simpler than what, maybe, what we're saying.
Dr. Kim: Yes, I loved a lot of things you said there. I love the fact that couples are grasping the fact that they can model marriage for their kids. But for you, Vanessa, in that situation with your son, how did he react? Because he had you by himself. I mean, it was just you two, and then, all of a sudden, this guy comes in and he's, like you said, you put him in the driver's seat. So what did you see in your son? How old was he at that time?
Vanessa: Yes, so my son, Michael, he was six at the time that Scott and I met, seven, when we married. He loved it, and he loved having Scott around. I will say that the Lord really gave us so much grace in that area, and we were blessed in that area. Because they got along great, and Michael attached to him very well.
I grew up in a blended family and I remember when my mom married my stepdad. I had been with my mom for 12 years before she married my stepdad, and I remember that being very hard. And, maybe, with a guy, with a father and daughter dynamic, that was different.
And I remember, for myself, not wanting to really share with my mom how I was feeling because I felt guilt or I felt like I was going to hurt his feelings. And, so, I really stuffed a lot of those feelings down.
When it was a very confusing time. I was so used to having her all to myself, just like you said, and then now, all of a sudden, I was having to share her with my stepdad and with a new stepsister and it was a lot. It was a lot, as a child, to process.
Dr. Kim: Yes, I bet. And, I think, probably, you mentioned your son was six and you were 12. And, so, I think, age, probably, plays into it somewhat and what the needs are. And, I think, just the fact that yours was so long, such a long period of time.
I think that there's a lot of dynamics that go into that, is what you guys are saying. And each one's going to be unique in some ways, but the bottom line is God's got to be first and your spouse has got to be second, no matter what.
And, I think, that's just a principle that we just have to hold onto and then model that, and, hopefully, at some point the kids see the value in that. I think it helped a lot that Michael likes Scott. I mean, that's a big step because sometimes that doesn't happen that easily.
Vanessa: No.
Scott: No, and one thing I will say is just something you just said. Sometimes you will not see the value of that until many, many years later, and, I think, that is also a struggle in blended families is you don't get the instant gratification or the instant results that you're looking for. Because you may not see that until your children are 16, 17, 18 sometimes into your twenties before you understand that the value of those decisions, really, did pay dividends.
Vanessa: Yes, and we can even see it now, Dr. Kim, after we've been married, we're coming up on nine years of marriage. And it's been a, really, neat season because we're seeing prayers that we've prayed over Michael and our family, and their relationship, some of these prayers have come into fruition. And, so, it's the keep sowing because the harvest will come-
Dr. Kim: Absolutely. And, I think, the fact that you want them to have healthy marriages someday and if you don't model, you're their textbook. So if you don't model it, who is going to model it for them? So, I think, that's great. What about couples and families? How have you seen them benefit from Blended Kingdom Families? What do you see people walk through the door and what happens?
Vanessa: Yes, I think, and Scripture tells us in Revelation, "By the blood of the Lamb and the power of our testimonies people overcome." I think when you can just share the experiences and the things that you have walked through that fire season, or a wilderness season that I was explaining that we went through.
There are so many people that can relate to that. And, I think, when we go through really hard seasons like that we then have the authority that we can speak into those areas to other people and you can share with them the hope. You can share with them and say, "You know what, we lived in 12 years of this unity with my ex-spouse. Now we have an amicable relationship and our son is thriving. God can do the impossible miracles are what He does, impossible is where he begins."
And, so, I think, a lot of families not only benefit from our experience, but we love to share. We have different pastors, authors, speakers, and even blended families that are a part of our podcast that we meet with. And we like to share their content as well, and their resources so that more blended families can be impacted that they can be fed, that they can be equipped and supported.
And, so, I think, one of the big things that when people come to Blended Kingdom Families they're given a vision of hope. And that nothing is impossible with God. As long as He is our foundation, He's going to walk with us through it and it's going to be amazing.
Scott: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: I agree. I think hope is such an essential part of any counseling. But especially in this case, these are people who have been wounded in a different way than some other people have.
What do you do to give them hope?
Scott: Hmm, well, I think, you can first point to Jesus and understand that, that's where our hope comes from. And, again, nothing is impossible to overcome.
And, I think, with blended families, one of the things that we see as the common tenet is divorce is a very serious wound and it's a serious wound because it was designed by the greatest love creator there is. So when that breaks, there's a lot of serious wounds that need to be healed. And, I think, a lot of people after divorce, really, just assume the rest of their life. Especially in blended families is just going to be the constant reminder of the wound that they have. The scar that they have, the scar that will never go away.
I think Blended Kingdom Families does a really good job about bringing light, and hope, and some brightness to a, really, dark topic. The other thing that I hope it does, and I know Vanessa feels the same way, is that churches and pastors can see blended families in a new light.
They can see the need. They can see their people that go to their church, and their desire to be educated and to be mentored to, and to be ministered to. And, I think, BKF does a, really, good job of making a bright light on that subject.
Dr. Kim: Hmm, that's really good. Do you guys do, I'm going off script just a little bit. Do you guys do any premarital counseling with couples that are going to be blended?
Scott: So I am an LPC. I have been an LPC for 15 years and I love doing premarital counseling. It is part of our repertoire of doing that. So we do that. I do premarital counseling within the boundaries of our counseling center that we have in Texas.
So we don't open that up nationwide because I'm just a Texas LPC. And then Vanessa is nearing the end of her masters in marriage and family therapy. So eventually we'll be two therapists married to each other, which will be a lot of fun.
But yes, Dr. Kim, to answer your question, not only are we proponents of premarital counseling. Whether you do it through us or through any biblical counseling, we hope that you do that. Because it's amazingly beneficial, but we, also, love to do that as well.
Dr. Kim: Is there anything particular that you see, Scott, if the couple that you're working with that is never been married before, this is their first marriage and premarital, as opposed to a couple that is a blended family? Do you approach it a little bit different? Would you say something different to that couple that you don't to the other?
Scott: I think the natural answer is yes, because the couple who's never been married, I mean, you do premarital counseling and they don't believe problems will ever exist. They're just like, "I don't know, we're in love and this is going to be amazing."
But blended couples come to premarital counseling with a certain level of understanding that the way they've done marriage in the past. And I know, Dr. Kim, you subscribe to this because your ministry teaches about how to do marriage the correct way. But a lot of blended families come to premarital counseling and they, really, haven't learned how to do marriage the right way, how to do it God's way.
So at least they come in with a certain level of humility of saying, "Okay, I didn't do it right the first time, but I'm committed to doing it better this time."
Dr. Kim: Yes, I think that's great. And I just think it is a unique situation from pre-marriage all the way through with blended families.
Scott: Mm-hmm.
Vanessa: Yes.
Dr. Kim: So we've been through a lot the last few years. Have you seen any, particular, challenges that families have been affected by? With what we've been through, as a nation, the last few years?
Vanessa: Yes, with COVID and everything that's happened. The divorce rate increased significantly, along with abuse inside of the home, mental health awareness. I mean, that's something that has skyrocketed as well. And, so, we've got, in the last few years, we get a lot of messages about family counseling. Not just the couples, but the entire family, the dynamic.
I think that our youth and our teens, they're facing a lot right now. A lot of confusing things going on, and, so, we get a lot of messages with teen therapy as well.
Dr. Kim: Yes, I agree. You said the divorce rate, which, I think, a lot of couples that were forced to be together during the lockdown, and depending on where they live, sometimes that was longer some places than others and they just didn't, really, know how to spend that much time together.
And I had a few couples that I was working with right before the pandemic that had, really, made progress. They were just about time to be released, and I thought those three marriages really grew through the pandemic. It was like, "Oh, my gosh, we've learned all this stuff, now we get to play house. We get to be together and do this."
And then I think the other side of it is those who were struggling, that was not the time to come out to make your struggling better. I mean, obviously, God could do that, there's hope, but we just faced things we hadn't faced before in marriages, in relationships.
Vanessa: Yes, I think, a lot of blended families, what we received a lot of messages on as well, was the co-parenting during that time, especially during lock lockdown. And children going back and forth and the health concerns. And, so, that was something that was very big for blended families, was how do we do child pick up and drop off during this time?
How do we co-parent? And that was really difficult for a lot of people to navigate.
Dr. Kim: Sure.
Scott: The only thing I would say, and I just want to add something positive here, is it did create opportunities for good communication of co-parenting. So if you're listening to this and you've navigated that season as a blended family, and you feel like you came out stronger, just know that God used that opportunity to put things in place. To say, "Hey, I love for you guys to communicate here and to be parents together better." So through all the bad stuff, I'm sure some good stuff happened too.
Vanessa: Yes.
Dr. Kim: Oh, I agree. I think God just always can turn things around and turn good things out of what we see as just bad things. And I do think, when you're talking about drop offs and pickups during the pandemic, there wasn't a textbook on that at all. Nobody had ever had to do that in our world, in our country. And, so, I think, there were some new, very unchartered waters that couples had to go through for the first time. And I love that you were there for so many people to reach out to, at that time, and to kind of help them navigate that.
So what about some general tips or tools to communicate with exes? Vanessa, you talked about your story where there was, didn't sound like very good communication for a long time, and now you're co-parenting. So what do you say?
How do you begin, even? If someone's listening and they're thinking, "Man, I wish we could do what Vanessa did. I wish we could get there." What do you tell them?
Vanessa: Yes, I would first and foremost say pray for your ex-spouse. I remember a pastor telling me that, and I was like, "You have lost your mind. I am not praying for that man, he hurt me. Just all of the things, but the Lord really humbled me in that season. And I will tell you, when you start praying for your ex-spouse and your relationship as a co-parent. Not only will your heart change, but you will see changes in them as well and in your relationship.
So I would first and foremost say start with prayer. I'll do two sides of the spectrum. So if you're in a high conflict, maybe, you have a high-conflict ex-spouse, your co-parenting relationship isn't well. And if you are married, I know there was a season where Scott had to sit in that seat and take the communication role. Because he and I could not do that respectfully and gracefully towards one another.
There have been times where we've had to do communication strictly through email. There are also other apps such as My FamilyWizard or the FamilyCore. These are apps for blended families, you can be blended or not, but it does allow you to do a chat.
It allows you to upload schedules, even medical bills, things that you might share. And they're communication apps geared towards being able to co-parent well. And it really takes out all the emotion because when you have high emotion going on, you react out of reaction and you're not thinking logically. And, so, these apps are there to, one, help, keep you safe and to provide a better means of communication without all of the emotion involved.
And then I would say for those that have an amicable relationship, we just always support good communication. I tend to over communicate, and so, we talk about setting quarterly meetings. Talking about what's going on for the year for school?
When school's beginning, when school's ending, summer vacations. If you have an amicable relationship with your ex-spouse, just setting up those meetings, and preparing for those things so that whenever vacations, and birthdays, and things like this come up, it doesn't blow up in your face. There's a plan. You have some preparation for that.
Dr. Kim: I think that's, really, important, don't you? The more that you can pre-plan then you eliminate surprises or some things like that, which I think can cause problems also.
Vanessa: Absolutely.
Dr. Kim: Now, I love what you said there and, I think, the first thing you said is probably the most significant is praying for someone. Praying for your ex, and I have gotten the same reaction every time I've recommended that, that you did to your pastor. It's like, "No."
And, so, I think, I told one lady one time, "Okay, just pray that God will help you give to the point where you can pray for him." But I think God works in that.
I think He helps us reframe our spouse. Because when we pray for God to help us see somebody through His eyes and we're really open to that, I think God does do that.
And, I think, so many times we don't put things in God's lap because we're afraid of what He'll do because you don't really want to.
"I don't know if I, really, want to communicate with him. He is my ex or she is my ex." And, so, I think that when we give him the chance and let Him make something amazing out of something that has been chaotic, and hurtful, and harmful, that He'll help us do that. I think He just wants our heart in that. Does that make sense?
Vanessa: Absolutely. We have the saying, "It's really hard to be mad or angry with someone when you're actively blessing them."
Scott: Mm-hmm.
Vanessa: And in return when we're obedient to that, God's going to bless our obedience. And, like you said, Dr. Kim, it gives Him the access to work in and through us, to do what he's intended to do in that relationship. And it's always better than what we could have ever imagined or expected it to be.
Dr. Kim: Yes, I love you said it's an active obedience because most people are, you, probably, weren't excited about doing that when you started. But it's just saying, "Okay, God, this is what I'm really supposed to do, I will do that." And, I think, that's a huge step to take because it starts you in that direction for some changes to happen.
Vanessa: Yes.
[00:23:25] < Music >
Announcer: Do you long for a family culture centered on Christ. But you're not quite sure how that plays out practically between all the things on your family calendar and to-do list. Well, you are certainly not alone, and we want to help here at Awesome Marriage.
We want to help you teach your children how to pray and how to make a habit of prayer. We want to give you quality time with your family that is intentional. Which is why we created The Family Prayer Challenge.
This simple prayer challenge will fit into your real life so that it's not just a good idea, but something you can actually make happen. This resource is a super simple way to keep following Jesus on the forefront of your minds together as a family. And to be intentional to build the kind of family culture He want.
The Family Prayer Challenge is a 16-page PDF with 20 days' worth of different simple family prayer challenges. Each day includes a prayer topic and short written prayer to pray out loud with your family.
Then there are two to three questions for discussing how to grow in that day's prayer area. I challenge you to take this next month to grow your family culture in prayer.
Download the challenge and make a plan to sit down with your family, every weekday, for the next four weeks to pray.
These challenges are short, and simple, and feasible for any family. You could do them over dinner, or before bed, or at breakfast. Because it's short and laid out for you, you can make this happen.
You can get our Family Prayer Challenge resource with a donation of any amount made to Awesome Marriage at the link to the specific giving page in our show notes.
Whatever you give helps make the ministry happen and get you this great resource. So click on over there in our show notes to grab this resource, or you can always find our resources at awesomemarriage.com by clicking the dropdown on our Resource tab.
Once you donate, you'll be emailed the PDF immediately in your receipt email. Your financial gift furthers the mission of helping couples build awesome marriages. And remember when you save a marriage, you don't just save a couple you save a family.
[00:25:27] < Music >
Announcer: Fixing our minds on what is good and true can help our state of mind and it can help grow a stronger marriage. And that's why we've created 19 affirmations and prayers for your marriage. This resource is a great way to spend time learning and practicing ways to care for your spouse.
If you are looking for creative ways to pray for your spouse and make them feel affirmed, this is a great resource for you. This 12-page resource offers 19 affirmations for your spouse with Scripture and prayers to go along with each one of those affirmations.
This encouraging resource is our gift to thank you for your donation, to help more people around the world experience God's plan for marriage.
This resource will be emailed to you, automatically, in your receipt, email upon donating at the link in our show notes. Awesome Marriage is a nonprofit and every donation made supports the ministry directly.
Dr. Kim: So can a family make progress dealing with issues, if exes or co-parents are not on the same page?
Scott: I think the short answer is yes. How much progress could be determined through a lot of factors. But I would say to anybody who's navigating the blended family, you can first do the things that you can do. You cannot necessarily make the other co-parent do certain things, or act a certain way, or talk a certain way, or react a certain way. But you can always have a diligent process of determining how you do things.
So even if you have a co-parent that has complete disunity, and we've definitely seen those.
Where there's some really serious issues going on, you have the ability to control how you speak in what ways that you communicate, and really importantly, you know how you treat and how you talk about your spouse in front of your children. We talk a lot about that, and the importance of being mindful of those conversations. So no matter how tumultuous-
Dr. Kim: That sounds good.
Scott: What's the word I'm looking for? No matter how, whatever that word is, bad your relationship is with your spouse, ex-spouse, you can always take forward positive steps as a person.
Vanessa: Yes, I think it begins with self and I, 100%, agree with what Scott said. We cannot make that person want what we want, or do what we want, but we can start with ourselves. We can look at the character of our own heart and really seek the Holy Spirit and ask Him, "Is there anything in my heart that we need to talk about, that we need to deal with?"
And start there because, "From the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." And the things that we do and the things that we say, and, so, I think, it begins with ourselves and it begins with our heart. And when we can start there, and when we can model the love and character of Christ, that's going to flow out of us. And when people see that people are drawn to the presence of God.
Dr. Kim: Yes.
Vanessa: And, so, whenever that is something that we're emulating, then, I think, that's where the heart change begins on the opposite side. And, I think, the Holy Spirit moves and can we begin to do those radical miracles and impossible things.
And, so, I think, absolutely you can make progress, even if it's just within yourself, and that will slowly trickle out into your relationship with your co-parent.
We've been there before and we've watched God do things, not only in our blended family but in others, that, I mean, from the beginning, they told me their story. I would've been like, "Oh, gosh, no way." But that's not putting God in a box because He can do anything.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely. Part of what you're saying is you got to quit fighting your ex, and you've got to look at yourself, and you've got to see, "What can I do?" I think one thing I see if someone can just back out of the conflict. If your ex is saying things or whatever and you don't fight back, and instead respond in a different way, hopefully, they're going to see something in that. And over time you're not going to see an instant change, I don't think, but, I think, over time you can.
I told one lady, one time, I said, "You are handing him buckets of gas every time just to keep this fire going." And she said, "Yes, I am." And I understand where she was coming from because she was hurt, and she just wanted him to hurt some.
But I think for the sake of our kids and our new marriage, we've got to let God heal that. And we've got to move past that and begin to try to live ourselves like Christ wants us to. And if that helps your ex great, if it doesn't, like you said, Vanessa, you're going to be better off.
You are going to be at more peace. You're going to have more confidence in what you're doing as a spouse.
Vanessa: Yes.
Dr. Kim: That's really good. What encouragement you can give to somebody that's struggling to navigate custody or still in conflict with their ex, they're in that early part of it? I think over the years, I've counseled, I've had two couples that went through divorce that maintained their communication. Maintained putting the kids where they needed to be in that relationship. Most of the time that doesn't happen, you've got to work through some things. So what encouragement would you give to somebody?
Scott: Well, again, I would go back to praying first. So, again, I think every time, Dr. Kim, you talk about a different blended family situation, somebody who's listening is like, "Oh, that's me. That's me right there, I'm in that situation." So go back to the first. Start praying first, pray for your spouse, pray for your situation.
The high, high-conflict ex-spouses in high-conflict parenting situations, there's a lot of different elements. One that I'm just going to talk about right now is always try to make sure that you've established a baseline.
So whether that's coming from your parenting agreement or court documents, a lot of times conflict starts when you start edging away from those. And you don't really follow those to the letter. Sometimes that's the best place to be, because it's the backbone legally of what's going on.
So that's a good place to make sure that you go back and start, and then try to grow from there.
Vanessa: Yes, and I would say, Scott's a very practical person. I'm, probably, more on the spiritual side. I know that the Scripture reminds us "The Lord is near to the broken hearted." And, so, I think, one, it begins with surrender and just saying, "You know what, Lord, they’re yours. This whole situation we put it in your hands." And just submitting that to Him.
I think, it begins with having your own just self-awareness and taking care of yourself, whether that's physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, starting their inner healing. Are there any inner vows that you've created throughout this process? That's a huge thing, especially, people that have walked through divorce.
Starting with self, I think that's a big one. But I would just say to the person who's in that fire season, "This too shall pass." My mom would always tell me that. She would always say, "This too shall pass and it's just a season."
You'll have seasons where you're here with your co-parent, you're going to have seasons, mountain tops and valleys. But understand that when Christ is our firm foundation through all of that, we're going to get through it.
It may not happen in the way that we thought it would or the way that we expected that it would, not all blessings are packaged the same. But we can hold firm to our faith and that anchor of hope that we were talking about earlier.
Dr. Kim: That's really good. And in all that, too, patience is, probably, important too. Most things aren't going to change overnight.
Vanessa: Lots of patience.
Dr. Kim: It's just being consistent with what we know God wants us to do.
Vanessa: Yes.
Dr. Kim: Let's talk a little bit about the new book Blended and Redeemed. Tell us a little bit what people will see when they pick that up and start reading it.
Vanessa: Yes, so, like Scott said, it was a huge passion project for It was about three, no about two years in the making. We felt like the Lord called us to reach out to as many blended couples as possible. And the goal was a hundred couples to meet with. We met with 60 all over the world from Australia, South Africa, the UK, Canada, United States.
We developed our own survey of questions, and then we also did an interview where we met with them for at least an hour, and we gathered our own statistics. And through that whole process of meeting with these couples, we found out what were the biggest struggles for blended families. What resources they were looking for.
Were their churches equipping them?
What resources they were looking for, for their children. Even finding out with couples their levels of intimacy.
Are you doing date nights?
Are you praying together? As a family are you praying together?
Are you eating together? All of these things.
We drew from that, we wrote about our own personal experience along with these blended families and put it in a book called Blended and Redeemed. We do have a pastoral guide that is going to come along with that to help pastors, who can help support stepfamilies in their church. As well as the leaders and study guide.
So it's created for classes inside of the church. You can do it with your small group. Moms' group, dads' group. For individual use, really, anybody can use it.
We're about to start doing our teaching videos. So we're going to be recording our teaching videos. So anyone who's nervous about teaching a class for the first time, there will be some videos that will explain, and help guide them through that as well.
Dr. Kim: Oh, that's awesome, what a great resource. It will be available everywhere books are sold?
Scott: Yes.
Vanessa: Yes, so Amazon, blendedandredeemed.com, XO Marriage, Barnes and Nobles, all the places.
Dr. Kim: Yes, that's-
Scott: Yes, Dr. Kim, I would also add and Vanessa did an amazing job at the usage of it. But I would say the book itself, the one thing that, I think, is really unique about Blended and Redeemed is it really dives deep into the spiritual side of healing. Which I think is such a core tenet of successful blended families.
We talk about the church and how they've approached blended families. And then we talk about all the different, we feel like it's really the modern version. Use the word modern, the up-to-date version of what blended families struggle with. Whether it's technology, or communication, or all those different aspects.
Vanessa: Litigations, there is [Inaudible 00:36:10]
Scott: Litigation, yes.
Vanessa: There's a very spiritual side of it, but there's a very practical side of it.
Scott: Yes, and really kind of that A to Z model of everything that we can think of. Not only that we learned from the project, but a lot of the intertwined stories that Vanessa and I have experienced.
Dr. Kim: Yes.
Vanessa: It was a lot of the hot topics or the repeated things that we kept hearing about were the main things that we wrote about. So litigation was one. There was a lot of stuff on marriage, co-parenting, high-conflict, we talk about that as well. And, so, we pooled those things, the themes, that we kept hearing about. So we talked a lot about those things.
Scott: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: It sounds so practical and, yet, so encouraging. And I love how God uses the two of you with your different sides there, to, really, make a book that's going to appeal to all of us, and that's, really, cool.
Scott: Dr. Kim, you have no idea how different Vanessa and I really are. We complement each other and, yet, somehow make it work.
Vanessa: It's funny, if you know our personalities you'll read the book and we'll be like, "That is Scott, that is Vanessa."
Dr. Kim: It's very easy to do that, maybe, we just need to do a podcast, sometime, and just explore your personalities, for the world to see.
Vanessa: Yes, that's what I told Scott, I was like, maybe Dr. Kim could counsel us.
Dr. Kim: Well, I love what you guys are doing. Last question, kind of, a fun one, what are you guys loving about your marriage today?
Scott: Mm. Do you want me to go first or you want to go first?
Vanessa: You go first.
Scott: If I go first, she's, probably, going to say something even nicer than what she would've thought.
Dr. Kim: I know, she's got to trump you.
Scott: I would say there's a lot of things about our marriage that are really strong, and we continue to have a good foundation of our marriage. We continue to, really, put that in the forefront. But also I think, everybody is so much busier than they've ever been, including us.
And, so, I think, the thing that I love about our marriage is we can go through very busy seasons, where we may feel disconnected, and we're very acknowledging of that fact. We're very acknowledging of, "Hey, there's something that we're not quite doing here. So we've got to get back on the right page here."
Vanessa: Mm-hmm.
Scott: So the resilience of our marriage is very strong. I would say, and just as a couple to that, is, I think, it's a good time in our family too because we're having a lot of fun. We've got a lot of kiddos, but we're having a lot of fun with that situation and obviously doing ministry together. But marriage is fun too. So you have to say something really nice now.
Vanessa: Okay, so we've been in a season of a lot of loss, lately with friends. And I'm about to turn 40 and just kind of hitting that point in my life, personally, where the Lord is just really brought to my attention, and not that it wasn't there before, but just how precious, but a vapor. And life has really highlighted, we're coming up on 10 years of marriage. And I look at Scott and I look at my whole life up until this point in the last 10 years, and just the restoration and redeeming that He's done.
And, so, I think, in this season, I've just been in awe of that and just grateful, I guess the word would be grateful.
Scott has been the father that he is and the husband that he is, and watching our boys get to a really fun age where they're in all the sports and activities, and it's just sweet. It's a very sweet season for us and I'm just savoring it all.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely, just embracing it, that's really good. I love that. So if people want to find you, we've talked about the book. Where else can people find you guys?
Scott: Mm-hmm.
Vanessa: Yes, so they can go to blendedkingdomfamily.com that has everything on there. Our YouTube channel, you go to YouTube, you can search Blended Kingdom Families we're on there. Podcast platforms, all of that, and that's where they should find it, find everything.
Dr. Kim: That's awesome. You guys have hit an area that I think is so important, just from a counseling standpoint. How valuable having these tools that they haven't just helped you guys and having Blended Kingdom Families is awesome. And I love what you're doing and I thank you for taking time to spend and to share, and I just love you guys.
Vanessa: We love you too, Dr. Kim, thank you so much.
[00:40:34] < Music >
Announcer: Thanks for listening to The Awesome Marriage podcast. This podcast is brought to you by the Ministry of Awesome Marriage and produced by Lindsay Few, with music by Noah Copeland.
If you haven't signed up for Dr. Kim's Weekly Marriage Multiplier Email, we encourage you to do so today. Marriage is hard and life is busy, which is why we need real, practical reminders of ways to build an awesome marriage.
Sign up today to get this quick and compelling email from Dr. Kim each week. If you enjoyed this content, share the podcast with a friend.
[00:41:10] < Outro >