Mind Your Marriage: Learn to Break Free From Blame | Ep. 583

[00:00:00] < Intro >

Lindsay: Is blame sneaking into your marriage? Do you take responsibility for your part, or do you just wish and wait for your spouse to change? Today, we're uncovering some ways you might not have noticed blame in your marriage, and talking about how you can break free from its damaging impact.

Welcome to The Awesome Marriage Podcast. A place for honest conversations and practical advice on how to build an awesome marriage. I am your podcast producer and co-host, Lindsay Few. On the show will be our host, Dr. Kim Kimberling. Dr. Kim is a marriage counselor and has been married for over 50 years. His passion is to help you strengthen your most intimate relationship.

The idea for this topic snuck into one of our conversations. When we realized that blame could be playing an underlying part in many marriage issues. So before we dive into this topic, I want to let you know we do have a weekly podcast email that we send, and it contains the podcast episode, podcast transcript, great quotes, all the resources we mentioned, application questions, and, sometimes, other things that we want to let you know about. 

So make sure that you're subscribed to that, if you haven't already. You can find that link to subscribe in today's show notes. So, Dr. Kim, I know you see this in the counseling room. How often do you hear couples just come right out and blame each other?

Dr. Kim: Often. A lot. It's probably a reason a number of people come in for counseling because they can't resolve things. And, so, we have this tendency to point our finger at our spouse, instead of looking at ourselves first because I think looking in the mirror is difficult for us. It started with Adam and Eve, "She gave me that apple."

"Well, the serpent gave it to me."

And it's like we've been blaming since the beginning of humankind, on this planet. So people say things like, "Well, if he or she had not said that, I wouldn't have been mad. I wouldn't have said what I said."

"If they didn't do that..."

"If they would change, I would change." 

And I see that a lot, where couples say, "Yes, I'll change if they change." And, so, we're sitting around waiting, and if you're both doing that, well, nobody's going to change. Nothing's going to happen. And, so, it's so easy to point the finger at your spouse, and just blame them, and not look at our part of it, for whatever reason. This just keeps us stuck, it keeps us totally stuck.

Lindsay: Yes, I know I've been there. There was, literally, a standstill, complete standstill, if we were waiting for the other person, both of us.

Dr. Kim: Oh, yes, early in marriage, and for a few years into it, we'd do that deal where we don't talk to each other. And you just go around, you're living in the same house, it's like, "I'm going to outweigh her."

Dr. Kim: And "I'm going to outweigh him and stuff." A lot of times we wouldn't resolve it then. We would just kind of miss each other and get back together. And, finally, we were able to see, "Okay, if there's a problem, we got to resolve it." So we don't waste our life just not talking to each other. 

Lindsay: Mh-hmm, yes, it gets you nowhere. So, well, how do you think blame affects a marriage? What is going to happen to a marriage, over the course of it, with blame?

Dr. Kim: Well, I think we don't feel emotionally safe with our spouse. A lot of times, when that's going on, if you're being blamed for stuff, blame really isn't an act of love. I mean, you don't think about your definition of love, you don't think to put blame in there as an adjective that goes along with it. 

So I think we don't feel emotionally safe. It can change the trust we have each other. It can change our connection. It can change our intimacy, especially, a wife, "Do I want to have intimacy with this person that continues to blame me, all the time?" I think, sometimes, people use it as control. And, sometimes, we can even hide behind our own insecurities of it. It's just not taking responsibility for our own actions and words. 

And, so, when we don't do that, all those negative things I just talked about can happen. And, so, what you've got there is your relationship, your marriage, gets more and more chipped away at it. And it may not be a big chunk, it may be the little chunks that continue and, "Well, why don't you trust me?"

"Well, why aren't we intimate?"

Or "Why aren't we connected?"

"Well, it's because you're blaming me for everything. You don't take responsibility for anything, that doesn't work."

Lindsay: No, certainly, not. So, I mean, that's a pretty bleak picture because it just sounds really tense, disconnected.

Dr. Kim: And I think we all can get there for a minute, sure. And, then, I think what we have to realize is that when something happens, it's so important to look at yourself, too, "Okay, what is my part in this?" And ask God to show you what your part is in that. Because you, probably, played a part, maybe 5%, but most likely you played a part by the time it gets to that argument. And, so, own your own part in it, whatever that is.

Lindsay: Yes, that's huge. I mean, I love when you interviewed Toni Nieuwhof about that and she wrote a whole book about it. Just for if couples are on the brink of divorce called Before You Split, and she said one of the most important things you have to do is you have to say, "What was my part?" Because both spouses have a part, even if it's 90/10, you've got some part there that you can own, and once you own it, that changes things.

Dr. Kim: Absolutely, and then you're in it with your spouse.

Lindsay: Yes, I have a feeling we'll be getting more into that part of it, as we go on in this episode. But what are some sneaky ways blame might be showing up in a marriage, other than just outright?

Dr. Kim: I think that passive0aggressive behavior is always a good one. We're not really addressing the issues, but anger comes out in other ways. And Nancy made a great example yesterday, when we were videoing, and she said, "In early marriage, when I wanted me time, I didn't know how to ask you for that. 

So I would do something to irritate you or upset you so you would stay away from me, when we had that. And I had to learn tell you, 'Hey, I need some me time.'" Which was great with me. But, again, it does, sometimes, come out passive aggressive. I didn't know why she was being that way, but I left her alone. That's the thing, probably, some of these work and that's bad.

Sarcasm, I think we can use that, it disguises the blame. Being the victim, if you get in that victim mentality, you're going to blaming your spouse for your feelings or what's your situation. You're going to bring up the past, when it's not even relevant to the situation you're in. But if you're married long enough, you have this arsenal of things that you know about your spouse, and things that happen in your relationship. And you've got to choose when you're arguing, not to bring all those out because then it's just not fighting fair. 

Then, and we talked about this a little bit, the silent treatment. Trying to make your spouse feel guilty or something like that. I think it can show up in a lot of different ways, in a marriage. And the things we're talking about are not the healthy ways to do it. And, so, those behaviors, although, we may think they're working short-term, long-term they're not going to work at all.

Lindsay: No, yes, it's going to be a really destructive pattern because you're never actually dealing with the issue. You're just band-aiding the moment.

Dr. Kim: Right, absolutely.

Lindsay: Yes, so have you ever dealt with this in your marriage? You shared a couple, from early marriage, but how has this played out?

Dr. Kim: I think bringing up the past was, certainly, something that we could do with each other, "Well, this is the 15th time you've done this." And I think once we do that, say, if I bring up, "This is the 15th time you've done this" to Nancy." Well, she can't deal with all 15 times there. I've just put the blame on her and not given her a way to even deal with it. And, so, we had to learn that we got to deal with what's in front of us, then, and we can't put the past in it or other things in there. We got to deal with the one issue, at a time. I think that was the thing that we did a lot. 

The silent treatment I said that we did, just trying to make this person feel bad enough so they're going to say that they're sorry or whatever that way. We probably did some passive-aggressive, other than what Nancy, I was talking with her, I'm sure I did, too. Probably mine would be, maybe, ignoring her at times because I just didn't like the behavior instead of finding out what's going on, those kind of things. So I'd just do that. So, yes, definitely, we can do those things. What about you and Brian? Anything that you-

Lindsay: No, we've never.

Dr. Kim: You're perfect, right? You haven't had your first fight, yet, isn't that right?

Lindsay: 20 years in, man.

Dr. Kim: Yes, that's right.

Lindsay: No, 20 years, and it's a miracle because we got such a rough start. We had just a terrible beginning to our marriage. I mean we made it through, praise the Lord, because we were just so stubborn, and we're committed to Jesus, so we knew we had that in common. But I think that this was, really, probably, the core issue that we dealt with, for a long time, was just not wanting to take personal responsibility. 

One way that I would do that was, by essentially, expecting him to read my mind. So I wouldn't take ownership of saying things I needed to say to him because, kind of what you were saying about Nancy. I didn't know how to ask for things or how to verbalize them. Just coming from very different personalities. He could just say, "Oh, I want to do this or I want to do that."

And I wouldn't think to do the same. I wouldn't think to say, "I really need some alone time. I'm going to go take a walk, what do you think? Is that fine with you?" Or whatever I would say. I would just think he should understand these things without me communicating them, which is not taking responsibility for my part of things. 

And, so, I would get really frustrated, even in a fight because we have such different conflict styles. He wants to tackle things right head on, and I need some time to process, it takes me a while. But we didn't have words to articulate that difference. So in arguments, it would be so heated because I would be trying and trying to get some space to process, but I wouldn't ask for it because I didn't know how to, yet. 

And, so, blame would just keep coming up over and over, and I'm like, "If he would just know. If he would only understand me; isn't he supposed to do that? He's my husband, he's supposed to love me like Christ loved the church, for goodness sake."

Dr. Kim: What's wrong with this guy?

Lindsay: Right, and just piling all this stuff on him, that he had no idea was going on because I wouldn't communicate it to him. So that was huge for us.

Dr. Kim: I don't know where that came from. But I've seen that a lot and I see it a lot more in wives than I do husbands, of thinking that your spouse can read your mind.

Lindsay: It's terrible.

Dr. Kim: And there's just no way. The male/female differences alone and how we process and stuff. But I think a lot of wives get into that and then they're upset at their husband and he doesn't know, like with Brian, well, what ship is sailing here.

Lindsay: No idea. I will say two big sources where I got that idea from pop culture, from watching movies. And, then, sorry, Dad, but he's really a great dad to three girls and then my mom. In his marriage, he was surrounded by girls who were very similar, he kind of could read our minds. And, so, that was the only male I'd ever lived with. And, so, I thought that's just how men were.

Dr. Kim: All men would be? Sure.

Lindsay: Right.

Dr. Kim: Yes, your dad's your model. Oh, my gosh, that was Nancy's dad, three daughters, a wife, two female dogs. When I came in as the first son in law, it was like they didn't know what to do with me.

Lindsay: Absolutely not, no, it's very strange.

Dr. Kim: Yes.

Lindsay: Well, does Dad know how to talk to a male like him?

Dr. Kim: Exactly.

Lindsay: He's so good with us. So it was tough to navigate that because it really is hard to become conscious of that.

Dr. Kim: Absolutely, yes, that's interesting.

Lindsay: Yes, so, I guess, I just set us up well for the next question because I want to talk about personal responsibility, and I was such a great example of what not to do. So how can we make sure that we take appropriate responsibility, and why do we need to?

Dr. Kim: One, I think, we need to because it does build trust in the relationship. If you're both taking responsibility and willing to say, "Yes, that's my part, for sure."

Or, maybe, "Oh, I didn't see that, yes, it is my part, too." Whatever it is, I think, it helps develop healthy communication because you're not playing games with the communication, which we can do. 

If we're blaming, we can say all kinds of things, we're game playing just to try to get them to admit that they're wrong. I think it shows emotional maturity because I think that helps us face the challenges that we have in marriage. And it also shows the commitment to the marriage and to our individually growing. I couldn't stay the way I was at 20 years old, for our whole marriage. No, I've got to grow, too. 

So I think taking responsibility, being, really, genuine in your apology is important, and that involves, really, repentance. Like not just that, "I'm sorry that I yelled." And, so, then, I yell the next day and, "I'm sorry, I yelled." 

No, it's got to be like, "I'm working on that. I think I'm going to go see a counselor because that anger, I get there too quickly. And that's when I figure out that that's when I yell and I want to stop that." Or "I won't do that anymore. I'm praying about that; I'm asking God to help me with that. And I believe that He will because I'm sincere in this, and I think that's what God wants for me and for our marriage." So I think those really help.

I think, really, listening to your spouse is so important in taking responsibility, "What are they really saying to me?" Instead of thinking about what I'm going to say back or how I'm going to win this battle. You get into that your marriage loses, anytime you do that, in a situation where there's a win/lose, the marriage loses. 

Avoid getting defensive, I think, is really important. That's something I've had to work with a lot. Like when we're talking about, in the podcast, where Nancy would do something because she wanted the me time. And, so, she would do something to irritate me, to go back. Well, what I would do then I would get defensive and say something back. Well, then, she did get her me time. But then we had an issue we had to deal with because I had reacted in a wrong time and, so, getting defensive. 

Really clear about the expectations you have for each other, and being able to verbalize that. When you were talking about reading your mind, I think we do that a lot with expectations. That it's like I have this expectation of Nancy. Well, I never told her about it, but I'm mad at her because she didn't do it. You've got to be clear with them. Make sure they're reasonable, make sure you both buy into that. 

And, then, of course, always knowing if you're stuck go to counseling, find a good Christian counselor. It's amazing, I see with some people, I've only seen them, maybe, two or three times because they just need someone to help them get on the right track. And they just add a third person perspective into it, that they couldn't get there on their own. Because they're so busy defending themselves, or trying to prove they're right, or something like that. And, so, that's one of the values.

And, then, of course, if there are some deeper issues, you can do counseling longer. But, sometimes, it's just getting somebody that can listen and can give you some ideas. You're not going to be in counseling the rest of your life. Maybe one or two sessions does it.

Lindsay: Yes, that's so important because I know when we started to go to counseling, the first couple of sessions were us just blaming each other. While we paid a counselor to watch us do it, that was a nightmare. But, really, when you do drop that defensiveness and instead have humility, so that goes back to owning your part. Then either one spouse doing that can shift the course of things, but then both spouses doing that is really going to help. 

But this is so interesting because when we talk about reframing and changing our mindset. All of this stuff is if we put it between us and God, instead of waiting for the spouse. But we say, "Okay, my part, I'm going to own the fact that I have decided I want to follow Jesus, and I want to have a godly marriage." Well, that means He's going to change me because I am a sinner. 

And, so, instead of expecting that, "Oh, I'm right about this and you should think and see things the way I see them." Instead of having the humility to go, "Oh, actually, no, I'm a sinner and Jesus is changing me and transforming me slowly, little by little." 

And, so, then these situations with the spouse are beautiful opportunities where, "Ouch, yes, you got me on that one. I was, off base, I was out of line, and I'm sorry." And that's between me and the Lord, like you said, the repentance piece of I don't need to defend that action. I can instead just say, "Oh, you're right, that was wrong and I'm working on that."

And, so, it's shifting from that, like you said, the win/lose to instead it's like the growth mindset of, "Okay, yes, God has some work to do on me and I'll go along with that. Instead of trying to stiff-arm Him and my spouse, at the same time."

Dr. Kim: Yes, that's so good because we do. We just can do that so easily.

Lindsay: Yes.

[00:18:56] < Music >

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Lindsay: So let's talk about another way that blame might come out. There's a cultural idea of sort of like 50/50 marriage. Each person does their 50% and you get 100%. I think that, too, has overtones of blame or some of the cultural ideas we have about spouses completing each other, filling each other up. So why don't those approaches, the 50/50, why does it not work?

Dr. Kim: Well, it almost becomes a transaction between a husband and wife. And that's not healthy. It's like it's a conditional commitment, you do your 50 and I'll do my 50. If you do 49 I'm not doing 51, things like that. So how do you even judge what 50/50 is? I mean, what I think is 50%, Nancy may see as 70%. 

And, so, you get just your own definition of that, that can be very different. And I think it becomes scorekeeping, and that's so dangerous of, "Well, yes, I was 70% yesterday and you were 30, so you got a lot to make up for today." I think what it breeds is it doesn't breed oneness that we talk about a lot, in a marriage relationship. 

So I don't think it works. I think it's just really unhealthy to me, in the whole part of it. Marriage is both of you doing probably 100%, and God doing right in the middle of it. It's everybody doing what God asks you to do in the marriage. And there are times in our marriage, that I need to do more than 50%, and there are times that Nancy needs to do more than 50%, and we do it without even thinking about it. 

But if we were writing down every day what our score was, that's just a mess. And it's like, "Okay, I've been giving 70% for two and a half weeks, so I'm giving 30 for the next two and a half weeks, so you can catch up." No, that doesn't work.

Lindsay: I've never seen scorekeeping go well. I mean, I've never seen a couple who tried to make things fair, actually, succeed in like, "Hey, you got an hour off, now I get an hour off."

"You'll do this chore, I'll do that chore."

It's never going to feel completely fair, is it?

Dr. Kim: No, absolutely not. Because it's how you define that in your mind. Instead of working together, as a team, on it, and making those decisions. So it's a win/win thing, that's what you really want.

Lindsay: Yes, that's good, and we talked, in the last episode, about reframing your spouse. And, so, if you're stuck on that, like, "You've got to do this bar." You're not really looking at yourself and what you could do to be the best spouse you can be.

Dr. Kim: Absolutely, "When you get up to 50%, I'll do my part."

Lindsay: Yes.

Dr. Kim: But, really, when you think of 50%, that's half of 100%. So I'm not even doing that much, let's get my hundred up there.

Lindsay: Yes, and I think at this point, I would point us to in the Book of Romans, I think it's 12:9, where it says to, "Outdo one another in showing honor." And the way it was taught to me was that that's the only competitive verse in the Bible. And, so, if you're a competitive person, there you go, that's your challenge, "Outdo one another in showing honor."

Dr. Kim: I've had couples that really got that and, really, almost, every day, and they had to work to get there, really, tried to outdo each other. "How can I love him more than he loves me, today?"

And "How can I love her more than she loves me?" And, then, when you get into that, then, that's really fun. It's just like, "I'm doing everything I can, and she's doing everything she can, and, wow, this is really fun."

Lindsay: That's so cool, and you know what, it makes me think of something funny, and I just realized this is blame, also. But I know when we tried it first, to express the love languages. To learn the love languages and express those, and Brian's is words of affirmation, and I'm not a words of affirmation person. 

And, so, when I would try to communicate affirmations, they weren't going across, he wasn't receiving them. I felt it was a big deal, like, "I am saying an affirmation." And it wasn't a huge deal to him, and I wanted to blame him and be like, "Oh, I did my part, I tried it." And instead I realized, I had to say, "Wait, why didn't that connect? What was it about that? What would make it so that you felt that, and heard that, and received it."

And, so, I had to take that responsibility to go, "Okay, I tried. It didn't work, but that doesn't mean I give up and say, 'Well, you're broken.'" It just meant I had to try a different way and learn something there. And, so, I did learn it, maybe, it's timing, maybe, it's tone of voice. Maybe it's, "Hey, I'm going to say something to you right now, listen." Making sure it was the moment.

Dr. Kim: Yes, it reminds me of the story of the little girl that was talking to her dad, sitting on his lap, and he was doing something else on his phone or something. And she grabbed his face and said, "Listen with your face when I'm talking to you, Daddy."

Lindsay: I like that, yes, pay attention.

Dr. Kim: No, I think that makes sense, especially, since that wasn't your love language. You're just kind of googling things, "What can I do, what are some words of affirmation?" And, so, taking the time to identify with that. Plus, it makes it a lot easier for you, then.

Lindsay: Yes.

Dr. Kim: And you know what you're doing is hitting the target instead of just missing it, and, maybe, every once in a while hitting it.

Lindsay: Yes, and, then, you know what's funny, it was like a cheat code we discovered, too. Because one of the things in this current season of life is I like gifts, as one of my love languages. And, so, I just started a notes list on my phone and I was like, "This feels weird." But I shared it with Brian and he's like, "Oh, my gosh, that was the best thing ever, that helped me so much."

Dr. Kim: Oh, yes.

Lindsay: And, so, looking for ways to how can we communicate better about this? Instead of saying, "Sorry, I tried, it's on you now, it's your fault." But instead to communicate better and more about, "This is how things can work better for us, together."

Dr. Kim: Absolutely, and I think going back to reading the mind and stuff like that, or even if it's a love language thing. If you give that list in there, and Brian says, "Oh, that's great." And he didn't ever use it, well, then, you might get upset. But you've given him a tool that he wanted, [00:27:43]to show love and make sure it hit the mark. And, so, that's really good. Sometimes people say, "Well, he should have known that."

"She should have known that."

And I say, "Tell them." And then if they don't do it, then, we can talk about why they didn't do it, but give them a chance first.

Lindsay: Yes, he asked for that, so I was like, "Oh, great, okay, sure." Yes, that's good.

Dr. Kim: So you're piling up the gifts.

Lindsay: Well, it's at certain occasions.

Dr. Kim: Yes, well, I think, too, I was speaking to a couple, the other day, and hers was gifts. And she said, "I didn't want him to think, when he found out, that I expected diamonds, or this, or that, all the time." And she said, "Gosh, I was having a hard week, and he brought me home my favorite candy bar, I love that. That gift, really, meant a lot to me that week."

Lindsay: Yes, big time, it's the little things.

Dr. Kim: It is, and you can still buy the diamonds. You can still buy the diamonds, though, if you want to, right?

Lindsay: Yes, that's fine, too, yes.

Dr. Kim: It's not off limits.

Lindsay: No.

Dr. Kim: All right.

Lindsay: So one thing we have to discuss about blame is if you do commit to stop blaming your spouse. Does that give them a free pass to mess up or to hurt you?

Dr. Kim: No, I don't think so. I think choosing not to blame, doesn't mean that you're not going to hold each other accountable for things that go on. It's important to address those issues but not resort to blame. Because accountability is about recognizing and owning your actions, the consequences they cause, all those kind of things. And blame is more about pointing the finger and not taking responsibility.

So it's addressing those things in a healthy way, owning the actions, talking about the consequences. While blaming, you are pointing the fingers like we've talked about, and you're not taking responsibility. 

So, yes, you do want to continue to deal with the things that come up because you want to resolve those and work through them, so your marriage is better and healthier. And if you ignore them, it's not like you're placing blame but you're not really dealing with an issue, and it's going to keep coming up, and causing issues in your marriage.

Lindsay: Mh-hmm, yes. One thing that it makes me think of is just how we just come back to communication over and over. And, so, the fact that we have to be willing to talk about these things. If you were hurt, then, it's going to be a lot more helpful to say, "I was hurt." Than to say "You hurt me."

Or "You made me mad."

It can't be you made me because I had the choice of how I responded. So, I think, even in things like that, we have to say, "I was mad" and own that. Instead of just "You". And, so, we have to communicate about those things in helpful ways, but you can still talk about it.

Dr. Kim: I think that's really good. I think we can all fall into that trap of, "You made me do that." And your point of that we can't make someone else do something. We've got to take responsibility there, and that's hard, sometimes. Especially if your spouse did something that really hurt you or something like that. But you still have a choice how you handle that and how you deal with it.

Lindsay: Yes, and I think there's definitely some, really, tough situations with that. With, really, hurtful things happening. But, I think, it's also just in the more daily parts of marriage, it's very freeing to know that we do have the choice, and we do have the agency over our responses. And, so, somebody else doesn't get to pick for me if I'm going to be angry, and stewing over this, and mulling over it, and getting bitter, they don't get to pick that. I get to pick that response. 

And, so, that's, actually, in marriage, very empowering for both spouses to realize, "No, I don't have to wait for you to do 50%. I have the choice to be the best spouse I can be. I don't have to wait for you to stop making me mad, I have the choice I can learn to handle anger in a healthier way." So in all those things we have the opportunity to follow God and follow His ways, regardless of how the other person acts toward us.

Dr. Kim: Oh, that's so good. That's so well said, absolutely.

Lindsay: So if a listener is listening, today, recognizing any of these signs, what's their next step to breaking free?

Dr. Kim: You got to admit you have a problem, going back to that. That's always the first step in anything I think about change. Then asking your spouse for forgiveness it's important, that step. And, then, getting the help, whatever help you need. That may be an accountability partner, it maybe, counseling. It may be an online course, whatever it is, to help you recognize those and break free. 

But I think once you involve God in it, praying, admitting you have a problem, asking God to help you, ask your spouse for forgiveness. Tell them you're working on it, and then follow through with getting the help you need, then, you can break free. 

When I see people do that or when I've done that in my own life, there is just a joy that comes with that. When you get out from under that and, sometimes, you don't even realize how heavy it is. Because you've been in that pattern and it's become your normal, until you get out from under it and you realize, "Wow, I don't have to blame, that wasn't good for me or for her." And now I don't have the need to because I've dealt with it, I don't need to do that anymore. And there's a real freedom there. 

It's hard, all these negative things we talk about are hard, and they take a lot of energy, and they take a lot of time. They wear on our bodies, and our minds, and stress, and all those kind of things that aren't good for us. So getting mad and blaming your spouse is going to affect you in a lot of different ways.

Lindsay: Yes.

Dr. Kim: And Nancy and I were talking yesterday about a report that came out, I need to find that inside it. But basically one of the things they said, they were showing the benefits of a healthy marriage, and they were all medical things. About that you live longer, that you fight cancer better, that you heal quicker through injuries or illnesses, all these kind of things. And just that God had a plan for marriage and it wasn't just to procreate and, then, have a bunch of people running around. It was a relationship on a really deep level, and when you have that, life should make a difference. And when you work on that, it does make a difference.

Lindsay: Yes, that's so good. I love that, too, with this topic of our mindset and our marriage. Because it's all this scientific stuff that they'll come out with, this brand new research, and it's all stuff that God's already put it out there in the Bible. It's there and it's not new,

Dr. Kim: No, I mean, it's cool that, sometimes, people come in and tell me something like that, and say something like that and everything. And I'll say, "Yes, it's so cool how Paul said this."

And they go, "Paul wrote that?"

And I go, "Yes, isn't that cool that God knew that?" And I'm glad they're coming out with it now because new people are going to hear it that hadn't heard it before or hadn't read Paul, or hadn't read Romans. So, yes, it's really cool.

Lindsay: That is really cool, it's so encouraging. And I love, too, where you often tell us that God won't lead you to do anything that's bad for you or bad for your marriage.

Dr. Kim: Absolutely.

Lindsay: He never will.

Dr. Kim: There's just a lot of security, for me, that comes in that. "If that's from God, okay, I'm doing it. I don't want to do it, it sounds hard. I'm not sure how she'll react, but I'm going to do it." And, then, you think, "Okay, God, you really do know what's best. You really do know her better than I do." And, so, it's just involving Him and trusting Him, and it's pretty fun that you really realize, of all the people that are living or have ever lived, that He cares about you and your marriage, and He's right there for you. Just like you're the only couple on earth, which is really cool.

Lindsay: Yes, He's got your back.

Dr. Kim: Yes, absolutely.

Lindsay: So good. Well, this has been such a great topic of breaking free from blame in our marriage. Next week we'll continue our Mind Your Marriage series talking about the power of gratitude, and I'm so excited about that topic. Thanks so much for joining us today on The Awesome Marriage podcast. Have a great day and do something awesome for your marriage, today.

[00:36:37] < Outro >

Announcer:Thanks for listening to The Awesome Marriage podcast. This podcast is brought to you by the Ministry of Awesome Marriage and produced by Lindsay Few, with music by Noah Copeland. If you haven't signed up for Dr. Kim's Weekly Marriage Multiplier Email, we encourage you to do so today. Marriage is hard and life is busy, which is why we need real, practical, reminders of ways to build an awesome marriage. Sign up today, to get this quick and compelling email from Dr. Kim each week. If you enjoyed this content, share the podcast with a friend.