Boundaries Q & A | Ep. 552

[00:00:00] < Intro >

Lindsay: Welcome to The Awesome Marriage Podcast. A place for honest conversations and practical advice on how to build an awesome marriage. I am your podcast producer and co-host, Lindsay Few. On the show will be our host Dr. Kim Kimberling. Dr. Kim is a marriage counselor, and has been married for over 50 years. His passion is to help you strengthen your most intimate relationship.

Today on the podcast, we are answering your questions about boundaries for your marriage. We've heard from some listeners who have some great questions. And, so, we will do our best to answer them, today. 

Before we hear Dr. Kim's answers to these questions, we want to make sure you know about our Boundaries Workbook. We created the workbook as a simple guide to help make this content practical and applicable. It's designed to help both you and your marriage grow healthier. Head over to awesome marriage.com or look in today's show notes, wherever you listen, to get a hold of that helpful resource. So, Dr. Kim, are you ready?

Dr. Kim: I am ready. This is exciting. This is fun.

Lindsay: So our first few questions are related to in-laws and family of origin. So question number one, "What are some practical steps to set boundaries with in-laws? My wife won't let go of her mom. So my wife, typically, routes our decisions through her mom prior to making a decision."

Dr. Kim: Good question and it's probably something that a lot of couples maybe go through it a little bit. I've worked with couples that and, especially, the younger it seems like someone gets married a couple they might because they're used to taking things through one parent or the other. And to start with you have to have your own family. 

And, so, you separate yourself from your family of origin and you form your own family unit. So that would be the goal. And, too, when we're dealing with stuff with someone's in-laws, I know in-laws can make people very upset. I've heard all kinds of things people talk about in-laws. 

I think you always have to remember these are your spouse's parents, and they are going to be a part of your life for as long as they're around. And, so, I think it's easy to get mad at them and want to write them off and, yet, I don't think that's useful. Setting boundaries is a much healthier way to handle situations than just writing somebody off. And to realize that even in healthy relationships we need boundaries. We've talked about this through this entire series.

But a couple needs to establish freedom, autonomy to make their own decisions. And not knowing all the details with this particular situation, sometimes, the parents hold on because they don't want that relationship to change. Some parents are really good about letting go there. 

My parents were great in that, with Nancy and I, in fact, we thought they didn't like us because they didn't interfere at all. But if we came to ask them for advice, they would give it. 

But then you get where the advice is unsolicited and, in this situation, does the mom's answers lean more to what the daughter would want? All those kind of things. 

So a couple of things, if a spouse is still getting their emotional needs met with their family of origin, that should be met in the marriage. That's an issue that probably needs to be, be dealt with. And, so, in this situation where the guy's asking the questions, how should he handle it? You start off with just praying for wisdom of what to say, how to say it. 

Again, being very careful not to criticize the parent; to find a good time to talk. And, then, you get that whole idea that we talk about so much of being a team. "How are we being a team? Is this keeping us from being a team?" 

Some practical, logical, things that, hopefully, can override, maybe, or at least make your spouse think beyond just the emotional thing that could be there. And then decide, "Okay, how are we going to do that? I mean, I don't expect you never talk to your mom again. But can we decide that, in the future, we're going to talk about it first? And if you talk about your mom, get her input, that's great, but we want to talk about things first, and let's see how that goes." 

And, so, you make a plan for that, and, then, if the mom continues to be upset because of that and continues to want the daughter to talk through things about her first. I always think in an in-law situation, the one who is the child of those parents is the one that needs to talk to them. So in this situation, it would be the daughter. It's just going to come better from them. It doesn't mean it's going to go perfect, but they're the one to talk to her about it. 

And if all of that doesn't work and the parent is still intrusive, or maybe the wife can't quite get the picture of what we need to be. What is, one, there's so many Scriptures that back that up "The two become one." And that's not just physical, it's in all areas. And that your first go-to should be the person that God gave you in marriage. 

And, so, if all those things don't work, then, I would say go to Christian counseling and let a third person come in. Maybe your wife will hear it differently than they do from you. Maybe the counselor will come up with something that really is a win for everybody, in the situation, which is really what you want. But mainly to focus on this has got to be a win for your marriage. It can't be something other than that, because you always want your marriage to be the thing that wins in these situations. 

Lindsay: Yes, that's good. That's really good. So it's a lot of just getting on the same page, together?

Dr. Kim: It is, and it's harder for some people than others. It depends on how close someone is to, their parent, and how they've got used to that and making that transition isn't easy. Couples that I see now, I don't see that as much anymore with couples that I see getting married later because they've established their own autonomy. 

Most of them have lived alone by then. Most of them are working or have their own income in some way. So they've already made some of those. It seems that those problems come a lot with younger marriages. 

Where some of those things haven't, and they're very used to still having their parents have a lot of input, which is fine. I mean, my parents were always there for us to go and ask questions for, but they never interfered. 

Nancy's parents lived in Houston, so it was a different deal. But that's what we've tried to do with our adult kids since they were married, is to be there for them. If they needed something they could come and ask us. They had to establish their own relationships and they've done a good job of doing that.

Lindsay: Yes, that's really good. Lara shared a great example on the podcast, last week, with our boundaries examples. Where she talked about how she and Boone really never had any issues with their families. 

They dated for a long time, but once they got married everything changed. But their boundary was such a simple one. It was just that they wouldn't make decisions on the fly, or on the phone, or in passing, they would just talk in person. So if there was something that, say, the family had a plan they wanted to make. Rather than calling up and saying, "Hey, how does this work? Does that work?"

They said, "No, anytime we have these decisions, you and I will talk to each other in person. We'll make sure we're not distracted." Because they said the conversation just needed to be between the two of them, first. So that together they could decide before they communicated to the parents, which I thought was great.

Dr. Kim: I think that's great, too, and that's probably not that unusual for things to do great when they're dating, and they're excited and all that. And then once you're married and it's like, "Okay, we're coming back in and we're going to storm the doors or whatever."

Lindsay: Yes.

Dr. Kim: So I just think it's something we talk about in premarital counseling. We talk about the relationships with those different people and, hopefully, those are healthy going into marriage. But then what boundaries are going to need to be set, and where do they anticipate being some problems. 

The more you can think about that in a premarital way, then, you have your game plan, and maybe even sow some seeds ahead of time. That "I'm looking so forward to the two of us being able to build our life together, and make decisions. And I know we'll make some mistakes but I know we'll learn from them." Just that kind of thing to begin to educate if they think there's going to be a problem. 

Lindsay: That's really good. So moving on to our next question. This is question number two. "My husband, kids, and I live far away from my family and close to his. He knows how badly I've wanted to move back closer to my folks for a long time. I have a hard time connecting with his family and I wish my children were closer to my mom. 

I often feel pressure from my family to move back, which makes it harder. My dad thinks I should manipulate my husband by leaving until he follows me, which I know is wrong. What do you think I should do?"

Dr. Kim: Yes, that's not that unusual. A question that seems to happen; I've worked with couples. But, I guess, how do they handle this in a way that really is good for the marriage? And, so, I would first pray for God's guidance in this and, too, take the time to look at yourself. "What does God want me to do in this season?" So this time that you may not be living close to parents. That "This isn't just a wasted time. What does God want me to learn how to embrace this season?" And those kinds of things. 

And the pressure from the family is rough, and it would probably be, honestly, a good idea to talk to her parents. She needs to talk to them and say, "Hey, I know you guys want me there. I want to be there, but right now this is where we are and this is my family and this is where I need to be." Because if the dad is going as far as telling her to manipulate her husband, you're not getting real objective, good, clear, advice there. 

He may be saying what you want to hear, but that's not really going to make it that healthy. And then she didn't really say what her husband is saying about the move. Is he against it or is it because of his job? Those kinds of things. And then are there other options for her. Can you visit your family more often? Is there a way that you can get more contact for you and your kids with your mom like she said she wanted to do?

And the other thing I thought of maybe is to sit down, and could this couple come up, say, with a five-year plan. And maybe they're able to say, "With my job, I want to get here, then, I'll be willing to apply for a job in the area where you want to move back to." Or something like that. Have a bigger plan there and see if you can make that something that works. 

The other side is you got to be where your family is. Where your husband is and where your kids are. Sometimes if you're continuing to long to be somewhere else, you don't establish the roots and things that will make the place where you are really good. And I've had people that have struggled that, fought that, and finally once they accepted, "This is where we are." They've made it really good.

When we first got married, Nancy had grown up in Houston. She'd never left that area and her family and moved to Oklahoma. And, so, I know that was hard for her, especially, that first year, but we had to learn. Once she said, "No, this is where I am. This is where I'm going to be." And she began to have friends, she began to get roots. She got involved in different things. 

And, so, she made her life here to where she would've said, "No, I don't want to move back there because this is my home now." And that's what I would want her to give it a chance for that to happen. 

Lindsay: Yes, because that really can't happen when you're just daydreaming about being somewhere else.

Dr. Kim: No, and I get it, it's not easy. But, I think, you're wasting a lot of time by doing that. 

Lindsay: Yes, that's true. 

Dr. Kim: And, so, if you get some conversations with your spouse, maybe, get a longer-term plan. Maybe that would help.

Lindsay: Yes, for sure, and it makes me think of, too, if the dad's pressuring her to manipulate the husband. Once they get closer to home, there's still going to be a lot of pressure there, to do things a certain way. And that sounds like that could be actually be problematic in its own way.

Dr. Kim: That's a really good point. I didn't think about that. Yes, if he's that controlling, at a distance, what's it going to be like when they're there? It's going to be you're expected for every meal, whatever it is

Lindsay: Yes, that's going to be hard to nurture that marriage. 

Dr. Kim: So that's a red flag.

Lindsay: Yes, well, okay, that's good. I like where you landed on that, that's really great advice. All right, next question. "My husband and I have struggled with communication and conflict resolution, our whole relationship. I seek marital resources and counseling that he's reluctant to change or try new things. 

He gets defensive when I hold him accountable and he says, 'I'm trying to change him.' I feel the need to protect myself from another disappointment when he stops working on the marriage. And I need him to give me a concrete plan for how he plans to fight for us. How do I set this boundary and take a step back from solving our relationship problems, while letting him know I'm still in this and I love him? I just can't lead anymore."

Dr. Kim: Yes, that's really good. I love what she said at the end, though, she is still in this and she still loves him. So she's trying to make something work. Just to start out, couples counseling would be great if you can get him to go. That way someone else would be there to hold him accountable. I mean, I like doing that with couples when I counsel with them. Give them some homework things to do. The accountability then comes between me and them, and it takes a spouse out of that. 

I think just praying for him and, then, working on herself, continue to do what you can do. Tell him you are for the marriage and you want it to be healthier for both of you. But right now you're doing most of the work. So what if you didn't? What if you didn't do all the work? What if you state what you need from him? Ask him what he needs from you, and see if he'll agree to work on him while you work on you. And I think that helps a lot when you say, "Hey, I got stuff I got to work on, too. Because, sometimes, we think, "Okay, you're the one who's not doing anything."

"You're the one who's causing the problem."

"You're the one why we can't communicate when we have conflict. So fix yourself and I'll be here when you come back." 

And I think it's always so helpful when both of you say, when you acknowledge, both, "There are things I need to work on, too, can we work on these things together?" After you say, "What do you need from me, what do I need from you?" Work on them together. 

But the boundary, I think, would be that you need him to step up, and be the husband that God wants him to be, and that's the bottom line. "Now, I'm not going to define who you are as a husband. I can tell you what I need from you and what I want from you. But I want you to be the husband God wants you to be because if you're that, you're going to be perfect for me." 

And, so, involving God in the middle of it. That one to me, too, is a tough one when you think of consequences, if he doesn't honor that boundary. And that would be why, I think, help of a Christian counselor would really be helpful. 

Even if your husband refuses to go I would go, so that the counselor can get the bigger picture. And then help you define what the consequences are at that time because he may not respond. The prayer and the hope, if you say it in the right way, you pray and hope that he does. But if he doesn't, then what's your next step? And that's where a counselor could really help.

Lindsay: Mm-hmm, yes, that's good. And that's always whether together or alone, it could still be helpful.

Dr. Kim: Absolutely, if he's not going to go with you, then a counselor can help you make a game plan of what your next steps would be.

Lindsay: Mh-hmm, yes, that third party is just going to be so helpful, to not have it just stuck between the two of them. Because it sounds like this has been going on for a while and it's continuing. 

Dr. Kim: It does. It continues and she's hang in there, and I think that happens sometimes. The one when they finally feel like they're doing all the work, that they just get tired. And it's like, "I just can't do this anymore. I've done and done and I'm not getting a response." And she just needs to know that he's still in it as much as she's still in it, and that he's willing to do the work like she's been doing the work.

Lindsay: Oh, yes, that's good. All right, our next question. This one says, "My husband agreed to finish a home repair project. But every weekend when he is off work, he tells me something else came up and does not work on the project. I've brought it up and I don't want to nag, but it really bothers me. Our home is in disrepair and it doesn't seem to bother him at all. I want to set a boundary, but I don't know what it would be. What should I do?"

Dr. Kim: Well, again, his words are saying yes, but everything else is saying no because nothing is getting done. The really simple answer, and I've had couples do this, as we've talked through, is to hire somebody to do the repairs. Can you afford that or could you earn the money to do for this? 

And, so, maybe, your boundary with him is that "If the work isn't done in a month, I'm going to call somebody to do it." And, also, that you don't want that to become between the two of you because I think that happens sometimes. 

A repair project, or something, it's not done and it builds up resentments and it builds up anger. All kinds of things can come out of that. And, so, what is the best answer there? What's the simplest answer? 

And instead of being on him all the time he, obviously, doesn't want to do it. He probably is not going to do it unless you're threatening him or something like that. But you need to get it done. So is there a way that that can be done by someone else?

I think that whole idea of hiring someone to do the things that you don't want to do or if you can afford it, it's really good. I had a mother, years ago, she had five kids, and that time in the evening that was five to seven when it's so hard trying to fix dinner. The kids are done with the day. They're tired and hungry and some of them have homework, and all that kind of stuff. And as we talked, the dad in this situation really couldn't get home till about 6:30 just the way his job was. 

So what they did, as they talked through, they hired a woman to come in from four to eight Monday through Friday, every day, to cook dinner and help with the kids. That way the mom was more relaxed. She could help the kids with homework, she could play with the kids. 

And, probably, a month into this, he said, "That is the best money we've ever spent, I'm so glad we did that. It has taken conflict out of our marriage and she is more energized when I get home. I'm there to come alongside her and help, instead of just having to rescue her before she passes out or something."

And, so, sometimes, thinking out the box a little bit. What will work for the family, as a whole? And it doesn't mean that he's not a good husband because he doesn't do the repair the project. He may be great in all other areas and if that's not his deal, figure out a different way to do that. 

If he doesn't like mowing the lawn, maybe there's a kid on the block that just needs that experience to do that, and you can pay him something to get that experience. So look outside the box on something like that. Don't let those things get in the middle of your marriage, is what I would say.

Lindsay: Oh, that's so good. I have three young men who are for hire, if anyone needs their lawn mowed. Because they're always trying to make money, they do crazy things. So one follow-up question on that because I've heard this example. I've had this issue happen with friends, and who've had this similar situation. So one of the pushbacks was "I feel like if I hire a third party, it will hurt his feelings." What would you say to that?

Dr. Kim: Well, you want to have a conversation. You don't want to just have him walk in and it's done, and you go, "Well, you jerk, you didn't do it so I hired somebody." The ideal way is to sit down and say, "Hey, we've been talking about it, I'm starting to get some resentment a little bit. I don't like that. I thought about maybe us hiring someone. How do you feel about that?"

And, then, if he says yes, then say, "Okay, can we put a time limit on it? And, then, is it okay after that time passes if you still haven't had time to do it, we hire someone?" 

I mean, you're getting that conversation and getting it on the table, so you don't want to do it and throw it in his face. That's not what you're trying to do. You're trying to accomplish something at home that needs to be done. You're also trying to let your husband do the things that he's best at, that he's good at. And, so, sometimes, we can lose sight of those things because he hadn't fixed the door. That won't close all the way because the hinges need to be fixed or something like that.

Lindsay: Mm-hmm, yes, that's good. Making it a two-person conversation, not just one-person taking charge.

Dr. Kim: Absolutely. yes.

Lindsay: That's great. That's really good. And I like those creative solutions, too, like the other one you shared. I mean it's so helpful to get out of that like it has to be this way or that way because it doesn't. There's usually creative ways to solve a problem and we're just not thinking of them. We're stuck right or wrong, yours are mine, and that's not helpful.

Dr. Kim: And that's where, really, a Christian counselor can help just get that other perspective. They're not emotionally involved in it like you are, and you're both, usually, at that time, so locked in with your positions, you really don't think out of the box. And, so, if someone, objectively, a lot of times can come up with something that really makes sense, that will work, and it'll work for both of you and for your marriage and that's what you really want.

Lindsay: Yes, absolutely, for sure. Okay, next question. "My relationship with my dad is troubled. He's a source of emotional hurt for me. He's negative and controlling and I stay distant from him. My husband has come into the family as a peacemaker, and he tries to bridge the gap with my dad, even though, I want no relationship or contact with him. 

My husband and I communicate these things to each other, but there is no easy answer. Now that we have a baby, my dad wants to be grandpa to our little boy. He's sweet with our baby, but that doesn't mean anything to me. I don't know what to do. My heart aches every time I have to spend time with my dad, any advice?"

Dr. Kim: Well, I feel sorry for her, that's a tough situation to be in. If your dad would go to counseling with you, that'd be great. Now that doesn't always work, I've had it where the dad comes and he is so stuck in his ways, and the session didn't go very good, and he didn't come back. And then I've had other situations where the dad came, he heard the adult child, and things really made a difference, but it's worth trying that.

Then you have to set some boundaries with him when he's around your family, no negative comments. None of that controlling behavior and give good examples there, don't just throw out a blanket. 

Say "These are some kinds of stuff that I'm talking about; and these are the things that I can't let you do around me, our family, or certainly our child, as our child grows up." And then the consequence is, the time that he has with the grandchild will be limited

and maybe even supervised, and that's okay. Because your job is with your immediate family, and to take care of that child and to raise him in as healthy way as you can. The deal with the husband, I know that's going to be frustrating for him because probably in a lot of situations he's been able to make everything okay, be the peacemaker. Sometimes people ignore that, some people don't embrace that at all. And, so, it seems like that's not working with her dad at this time. 

And, so, I think, it's time to take that next step and that's really the tough love. It's to set those boundaries, not continuing to accept that unhealthy behavior. And, then, for her, she really just doesn't care much for her dad right now because of his behavior, it sounds like. And what does it need to do for her to, if you set these things in place, if your dad agrees to them. What does it mean to forgive him? What does it mean to look at him in different light? 

That doesn't mean you just lay down, and you're setting boundaries so he doesn't run over you anymore. But is there a way to make this relationship healthier than it is today? And the big picture, if all those things can happen it's a win for everybody.

Lindsay: Mh-hmm, that's good. So going back to the first thing you said when you talked about going to counseling, together. How many sessions do you think it would take to get a feel for whether that's a good thing or whether that's not going so well?

Dr. Kim: I think you'd know the first session, honestly. I ask a lot of questions and so how does that person respond? How's the dad responding in counseling? Is he really stuck in his ways? Is he open to consider some different things?

And, so, of course, the counselor can ask some questions and get a gauge on where this is. And then, at that point, one thing I do in these situations is ask them, "Do you feel like this was helpful? Do you want to come back with your daughter again?"

Because, then, if he says yes, he has made a commitment, at least, he said it verbally. It may not mean his heart, but he said it verbally. And, so, then, I would say, "Okay, let's schedule another time." And, so, I'd take it a step at a time. Then, maybe he just got through a little bit and he's saying, "I got to do this for myself, for my daughter, and now my grandchild.

But if the person is really stuck in his ways. I've had guys end up yelling at their adult child. I've had people walk out the door of it. And, so, as a counselor, you don't what you're going to get till somebody gets in there. And you pray for the best, and hope for the best, and do the best you can. 

But I think that also in those situations, that I just mentioned, it gave, it was the daughter in both of those cases, information they needed. Yes, okay, "How am I going to handle this now because dad is not willing to change? He's not willing to work on it, now, what do I need to do?" So you get good information, either way, if he buys in, it's a lot better.

Lindsay: Yes, for sure, I can see how it'd just be hard to be the daughter in this situation and hope for the best. But you also kind of feel like you'd already seen how he behaved, so it'd be hard to hope, I think

Dr. Kim: Yes, it is, but you come into counseling, you always have hope that things will be better. And, so, yes, in one situation, probably, I spent the next couple of sessions with her just going through that whole meeting and how it affected her, and the things he said, and how that relates to other things. And helping her work through that to get to the point where she could figure out, "How do I have a relationship with my dad that's healthy for me."

Lindsay: Yes, that's good. All right, so we've got a couple of more questions. Next one, "My husband wanted to start a business and I supported him. Since starting the business, our marriage is disconnected, our finances are horrible. We don't have a single dime to our name and no savings. My husband says our only choice is to stick it out. The business has become a liability and not an asset. 

I'm a mess because bills aren't getting paid on time. But he says that's what the grace period is for. This is really troublesome. I don't have peace about any of this and I don't know what to do. Is there a way to set a boundary that will save us from financial ruin or do I just keep quiet or keep waiting?"

Dr. Kim: That is a really tough question. In counseling, I would want to know a couple of things to start off with. As he started it, does he have a business plan and if it is, can you reference that? Is it on track or if it's not, how far behind is it? 

Maybe a boundary is that, "Hey, would you be willing to bring in a CPA, business advisors, so they could objectively help us assess the business and where it is today, where it's heading in the future?"

It's really hard for a guy, especially, if this was a dream for him, if it's not working to say "It didn't work." For guys, it's just hard for us to get there because it's our hope and our dream. It's our baby and then it's not working, and when do we need to let go?

And, so, I had one couple that were in similar situation and they decided that if the business was not profitable, and they set a date, that he agreed that he would close it and they would move on. That was really helpful because it gave an end date. It made her feel like, "Okay, maybe we'll rough it for another couple of months, but then we're going to work things out." At least there was some hope for her.

Pray for him. What's going on with him? Why is it hard for him? Try to be a teammate. Is there anything you can do to help him? I would certainly ask that, in the situation. But what's going to happen if he continues along that path. I think, you need access to the financial information. And if it continues to drain the company, your family, you may need something like a structured separation for a while. While he works things out to protect yourself and your kids, and I would do that under the guidance of a Christian counselor.

For me, with the separation is to help give a break and time to get things back on track. And, so, it's to work on what they need to work on and then to work on the marriage. It is not a step toward divorce. It is a step away to get things healthy in the marriage. 

And, so, I think, you need a Christian counselor to help you do that. You don't want someone that's going to try to separate you, or get you a divorce, or something like that. That's not the purpose of it, and to send a message that "This really is important. I don't see how we can live owing all this money or whatever the situation is." So coming to a plan and get things working.

Lindsay: Yes, that's really tough. So is there anything, for the financial piece, that she can do to protect them?

Dr. Kim: I mean; you can always talk to an attorney. I thought of maybe a safer step would to be, hopefully, he does have a CPA. "Can we meet with your CPA together? I just want to understand this better. I'm for you, but I'm scared and I need some information. So I can accept or know where we are and where we're going."

And, so, in a situation like that, especially, with a small business. He started it with your blessing, that you have a right to look at the finances of it. I mean, he shouldn't be hiding anything. It's "Two become one no matter what it is." 

And, so, she needs to know exactly where things are which might be very discouraging. Maybe it'll be a little helpful, you don't really know but get as much information as you can. And, then, if he continues this path, then, you could say, "I'll talk to an attorney about is there something I can do legally to protect myself." If you're a co-signer on everything, then that's a different situation, that's tough.

Lindsay: Yes, well, those are some good starting places to get some information and move on from there. And that's not going to be easy because even if she gets the information, it sounds like it's not very good to start with.

Dr. Kim: Yes, and she asks, at the end, does she keep quiet or keep waiting? With what she's telling here, I would say it's time to just address the issue, and be very matter of fact about it, but be loving also.

Lindsay: Yes, because just keeping being a little bit unaware or not dealing with it, it's not going to get better on its own.

Dr. Kim: No, it's not.

Lindsay: No, well that was some helpful advice and we've covered a lot of topics, today.

Dr. Kim: We have. 

Lindsay: What final piece of advice would you leave for our listeners today, Dr. Kim?

Dr. Kim: Well, I appreciate everybody that wrote questions in. I wish we could have gotten to every one of them. What I would say is that there's always hope, whatever you're going through. There's always people there to help you, to come alongside you. Whether it's a mentor couple, or close friends, or a Christian counselor, or something like that. And, so, when you've got a problem, address the problem. That's one thing I've always said, get it on the table. I don't care how bad it is, we can't deal with it till it's out there.

So whatever it is, get it on the table. Get what help you need so you can do that. It's a little hard, in these questions, as we're doing them, because we don't have the whole picture. I haven't spent an hour or two with each one of these people. So I try to not say something that's going to box them in. But give him some options, things they can do like that. 

But the main thing is that with God, there's always hope. That God has a plan for your marriage. He did from day one, He still does, and there's a way to get there. And, so, take the steps that you need to, to set you on that path.

Lindsay: Hmm, yes, that's great advice to leave us with. Because it sounds like in most situations, like you just said, you got to get the thing on the table and, then, God will help you work it through.

Dr. Kim: Yes, absolutely, and it may not come out exactly like you thought it would be or wanted it to be. But God's going to be with you whatever happens. You can't make someone else change; you can only take care of yourself.

Lindsay: Yes, that's good. Well, thank you for all of that great wisdom and advice. So next week we have a bonus episode coming out on How to Love Your Prodigal Child with Dr. David Clarke. So we're going to give you a little preview of what you're going to hear in that episode.

[00:33:28] < Preview to How to Love Your Prodigal Child with Dr. David Clarke. >

Dr. Clarke: We've all seen these truly godly parents, solid people, they raise a family, and a number of the kids are fine, and there's one. Same principles, same approach, and they're off the deep end and they have no use for God. Well, that's the worst possible thing for a parent. I mean, whoa, without God, you are lost and you can't fix anything, it's just awful. So I got a whole plan for that, too. There's a plan for each of these scenarios.

[00:34:01] < Preview Ends >

Lindsay: Make sure you tune in for that bonus episode, to get biblical help to navigate that difficult situation. As always, don't hesitate to reach out to us at info@awesomemarriage.com. For help with questions or for prayer, we always love hearing from you. We are so thankful for the listeners who sent these questions in today, and we pray they're helpful for your situation. Thanks for joining us, have a great day, and do something awesome for your marriage today.

[00:34:23] < Outro >

Announcer: Thanks for listening to The Awesome Marriage Podcast. This podcast is brought to you by the Ministry of Awesome Marriage and produced by Lindsay Few, with music by Noah Copeland. If you haven't signed up for Dr. Kim's Weekly Marriage Multiplier Email, we encourage you to do so, today. Marriage is hard and life is busy, which is why we need real, practical, reminders of ways to build an awesome marriage. Sign up today to get this quick and compelling email from Dr. Kim each week. If you enjoyed this content, share the podcast with a friend.