Avoid These 3 Premarital Mistakes: #1 Ignoring Red Flags | Ep. 531
[00:00:00] < Intro >
Lindsay: Welcome to The Awesome Marriage podcast. A place for honest conversations and practical advice on how to build an awesome marriage. I am your podcast producer and co-host Lindsay Few. On the show will be our host, Dr. Kim Kimberling.
Dr. Kim is a marriage counselor and has been married for over 50 years. His passion is to help you strengthen your most intimate relationship. Today on The Awesome Marriage podcast, we're talking about major premarital mistakes to avoid.
The big mistake we're talking about today is ignoring red flags. Dr. Kim has a lot of wisdom on this. As a marriage counselor, he has counseled engaged and married couples for the past 35-plus years, and he's written our Prep for Marriage online course. So today we're digging into the first major mistake to avoid. So, Dr. Kim, what are some red flags for engaged couples?
Dr. Kim: There's probably a lot if we really stop and think about it and some unique to the different couples. But I think a lot of times, most couples that I work with in premarital, to some extent, I think, they hear the stories of the divorce rates and they hear all this stuff and they think they're going to be different. But they don't know that there's going to take work to do that.
Yes, every couple can be different, but I think one of the red flags would be is just thinking, "We're going to be different, but we're not going to do.... We're just going to keep loving each other and this kind of stuff."
I think another thing that I see play out, sometimes, is if they don't have the support of the people that love them and that they love, that are around them. If, your family of origin, your friends, if they're against your marriage, should that be a red flag that you look at? Do they see something, especially, if there's some consistency there?
I think another one because we see this play out in couples, but being unequally yoked. If you are a believer and you're dating someone or wanting to marry someone that's not, and just ignoring that and thinking, "We won't have problems from that."
I think it's a red flag that should be looked at. And I think the thing we talk about, all the time, if you really haven't considered together putting God first in your marriage, then that's a red flag. Because in our marriage if God wasn't in it, we'd have crashed and burned a long time ago like that.
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: Do you see some other things, Lindsay?
Lindsay: Yes, well, I definitely affirm the ones that you said. And I agree that if we didn't have God as our foundation, I don't think we would've had enough, in common. When things get really tough, because it's really is that bedrock foundation, that you know if everything else seems wrong at that moment, you still have that one major thing in common.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely.
Lindsay: And, so, that is so important to us.
Dr. Kim: I agree.
Lindsay: You mentioned some family-of-origin issues like the family is not supporting or not agreeing with the relationship. But I also think major issues within the family, if there's some really confusing or difficult family dynamics, some conflicts. Not that that's something that needs to take precedent over the couple, but it will impact the couple. And, so, I think ignoring that is a mistake, also not learning how to resolve conflict.
Dr. Kim: Hmm.
Lindsay: If you have a conflict with other people or issues with your friends, or roommates that will probably rear its head in marriage. And then another one that I've seen a lot and this kind of similar to what you said, at first, but just not seeking counsel. Not looking to get help or to learn and just making that assumption that, "You know what, we're going to be fine. We love each other, things are good, we'll be different."
Dr. Kim: Yes, I think so. Yes, the rose-colored glasses thing and we can all be there. I think we were it at one time. But I do think, I love that you brought up the family of origin issues. Because I think a lot of times we don't even realize those or how they affected us. And then we get into marriage and we find ourselves doing the same things that our parents did that we didn't like or the things that bothered us.
And, so, just being aware of that. I think Nancy and I thought our families of origin were really very similar when we got married and they were in some ways. But they were so different in so many ways too and those started to crop up.
I love what you said about learning to resolve conflict. I tell couples when I teach that, that is the probably one of the best gifts that you can give to your marriage. Is to learn how to resolve conflict in a healthy way together because you're going to have conflict.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And, sometimes, I'll meet with couples or couples will be in a class and they'll say, "We never fought. We never had a fight." And I'm thinking, "I know, but you will." But I don't say that, but we're just different. And, so, just knowing that conflict isn't bad, it's how you handle it can be bad or good.
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: Buy you are going to have conflict, and you'd learn and grow from that. So I love those thoughts.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: I love everything you said there, yes.
Lindsay: I think a lot of that stuff, too, I mean there's some stuff that you don't really have to address before you're married. So there's some things that you could skate along. If we go back to the family of origin, for example, there are some things you might not realize are different.
Until you're actually in marriage together, making decisions together, deciding how you spend your weekend or your holiday, a lot of that stuff. Our family of origin is so ingrained in us that we don't even really see it for what it is until we have somebody else to compare that experience to. Have you seen that in counseling?
Dr. Kim: Oh, yes, and I think we think that we grow up in a home, we think that's normal. Even though there are some things that are alike and then, all of a sudden, you grow up and you marry somebody that grew up in another home, and they think that's normal.
And, all of a sudden, you come together and you think, "Why are you doing this? Our deal was that I use a new towel every day. Because, my mom, that's what we get to do in my house." And, so, we're married and I'm throwing the towel in the dirty clothes after one time, and Nancy finally goes, "You just used it one time? We used to use it two or three times or more." And I said, "Okay, I'll do that." But it's just one of those things you don't even think about, in stubbornness, sometimes, we could make a big deal over that.
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: "Well, you're wrong. What do you mean you don't want me to have a good towel every day?" We do simple things like that.
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: But I think there are other things that we just don't realize. I had a couple, one time, it was so interesting that she grew up in a home that was very quiet, probably, introverts, but very nice, loving home. But it never fights or anything, and if everything was quiet, nobody thought anything was wrong. He grew up in a home that when it was quiet means something getting ready to explode.
Lindsay: Mm.
Dr. Kim: And, so, they didn't really realize it about each other so they got married. And, so, she's quiet, enjoying everything. He's thinking, "Oh, my gosh, what's she thinking? When is it coming?" And, so, they come up in so many different ways of our family of origin, and they're not all bad, and they're not bad, it's just different there.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And, so, we've got to be able to, "How do we handle that in our marriage?" And not think something's wrong just because, all of a sudden, we thought we were so much alike and now we're different, it's okay.
Lindsay: Yes, it is okay. And it's funny because I'm thinking about your towel example. I love that example so much because that's exactly the kind of thing when you're, premarital, you would never talk about that. I don't know that many books would have that topic come up or something like that.
You just don't need to communicate to that level of detail. But once you're married, all those little things just become obvious. And it's so easy, like you said, to be like, "I'm so sorry your family didn't let you use the towel day. It's, obviously, the right thing to do." And just make it into a right wrong, make it into a fight, and, really, it does not have to go like that.
Dr. Kim: Yes, and it was an adjustment, for me, I felt like I was dirty using the towel twice, but I got over that eventually.
Lindsay: So funny. What you were talking about the little things with family, too. It reminds me of one of the first times that, after we were married, Brian and I were, we might have even been engaged. But he came to [Inaudible 00:07:50] vacation with my family.
In my family of origin our vacation, every year, we just went to the same place at the same beach and we just all relaxed. We chilled really hard. We would read books on the porch, read books on the beach, that's it, we would just hang around.
One time he was there for the first time, he said, "Well, could we like go to dinner on a date or something?" And I said, "Go out of the house? Why would we do that?" It's vacation, no one's ever left the house unless we all went together. We would all go in this giant family group. But it was just so funny that he would ask that, no one's ever asked that. No one's ever considered it.
Dr. Kim: Yes.
Lindsay: I guess we could, but just a very different expectation of what we'll be doing.
Dr. Kim: It wasn't like there was a rule posted there. "We cannot go out to dinner."
Lindsay: It was just the culture was very clear that we just hang out and about.
Dr. Kim: That's what you do and it's your normal.
Lindsay: It was.
Dr. Kim: And it's interesting someone else coming into that, they see something different, and you don't look at it differently until someone else brings it up.
Lindsay: Yes, and then I would've never known. His family vacation, they would all have a house at the beach. Similar vacation, so beach vacation sounds like the same thing.
Dr. Kim: Uh-huh.
Lindsay: But none of them would be doing the same thing. One of us is going on bike ride, one of us is going to a jet ski, we're doing all these things. We're staying at the same house, but it's a totally different interpretation of what that looks like.
Dr. Kim: Well, you guys were really together and stayed close to the house and the beach.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm, yes, quite a lot of quality time.
Dr. Kim: Yes.
Lindsay: So what do you think are some reasons that couples don't address these red flags before they get married?
Dr. Kim: I think a lot of times you get so focused on the wedding and weddings are great, I love weddings. But if you put more emphasis on the wedding and you're not working on what our future marriage is going to be like. Then I think you miss some opportunities during that engagement period to really grow, to learn, and to really prepare yourself as you go into marriage.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And, so, I think the couples that do premarital counseling and do some things to really work on, "What our marriage is going to be? What it's going to look like?" They're way ahead of someone that you just get excited, I get that. You're planning the wedding, I get that, all that stuff. But then you haven't even thought of a thing about our marriage, and then you wake up with this person, and you think, "Oh, now what?"
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: Because it's exciting planning all that kind of stuff, girls dream of it. One of my nieces had this board under her bed that she finally pulled out. She'd had it for years and she had stuff she wanted for her wedding on that board, and she'd kept that for a Pinterest board. And, so, she had this actual cardboard thing under her bed.
Lindsay: Wow.
Dr. Kim: I think the other thing is sometimes our dating relationship goes so smoothly. And, so, they just really haven't had things come up and they think it's going to be that way forever.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And I get that because as a guy we're pursuing and we do a great job of that until she says, "I do". And then, sometimes, we start pursuing other things and don't keep as much focus on that. So the relationship and dating, for a lot of couples, is really good.
It's exciting, it's fun, there's a newness to it, all those kinds of things. And, so, having a smooth dating engaged relationship is great, but I think you have to prepare for the fact that someday there's going to be things we have to deal with. There are hurdles that life's going to come our way.
And I think the real dangerous one is when you know there are some issues, but then you ignore them. You just think, "That's not that big of a deal." And it may not, I mean, you don't want to fight over every little thing.
But if it's a big thing and it keeps coming up over and over, and it bothers you in some way, then it probably is an issue that needs to be talked about, and dealt with. And, "Can we work through this?" And that's one of the values, too, about premarital counseling.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: One of my goals is to help couples find those things, so we can deal with them. And to teach them how to deal with issues and how to not ignore them, and how they can be resolved and move forward. But if you just keep ignoring them, they're going to come up. And the longer you ignore them, if they're a big deal, probably the worse it's going to be when they finally surface.
Lindsay: Oh, yes, for sure. So do you find that couples, when you help them, find those? Do they want help? Do they want to find them?
Dr. Kim: I think it's yes and no.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: I think some couples really are willing to, whatever it takes, "If we've got something that we haven't really dealt with, we want to deal with."
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And then I think some people don't want their bubble burst.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: They just don't want to take the time to work on it now. It's kind of like, "Well, maybe we'll do that later. We'll use SYMBIS Assessment." Which I love. Our good friend, Les Parrot, who's the one who designed that, and it just gives you opportunities to bring, to talk about some things that usually come up.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: Each person fills it out, they put their answers together. And, so, we're able to talk about some differences and what some hot-buttons are for one and the other, and how they handle conflict in communication.
And, so, by going through that, I think, it helps us refine things. And it's not always some huge thing that comes up we have to deal with, but it may be, "Oh, yes, we don't really listen that well to each other, do we?" Or, "We don't really solve conflict in a really good way. We just ignore it." Things like that come up and you're able to talk about them.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And I think that's important. So I think once a couple gets into it, to answer your question, I think they're glad that they did.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: Sometimes there's a little nervousness in there and there's always the fear that, "What if we do premarital counseling and we find this is the wrong person."
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: That happens sometimes. When I used to teach a class, I used to teach a class at a church three times a year and every class. We had one, at least, one couple would decide not to marry, and there were big classes, 30, 40, 50 couples sometimes. But it was really interesting, there were two or three times, I can remember. Where one of those two people out of that couple came back two or three years later with somebody else.
Lindsay: Hmm.
Dr. Kim: And I'd look at them and I think, "I think I recognize them." And they'd come up after and say, "What happened and how hard that was for us, it made sense. And, now, God has brought this person in my life and I think this is the right person." So as hard as that can be, it's a lot better to have a breakup on this side of the altar than the other side of the altar.
Lindsay: Absolutely, yes.
Dr. Kim: And, so, I do think people can fear that, but the reality is if it's really not supposed to be. If this is going to be a real problem, you need to know ahead of time.
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: And most premarital counseling is not that. Most of it is growing, and learning, and planning some things, it's going to be great for both of you.
Lindsay: Yes, that's good. Yes, I can remember feeling like being in premarital season, it's been a long time. It's been about, almost, 20 years now since we were getting engaged. But being in that season, you just don't want to need more help or have more problems than other couples might. You don't want to be the one who's like, "Oh, we're really having to work on things already."
I know for us because we've always been more of the personalities who are willing to address things and, yet, still, you don't always want to be addressing things. You don't always want to be having to hash things out.
And, so, I think, for me, one thing, I was really tempted to think like, "Oh, well, it's probably just going to be better once we get married these things we're struggling with we'll probably just be better because we're married."
Dr. Kim: Yes.
Lindsay: But nothing really changes. I mean, the marriage becomes a covenant that you're entering into, but you're still the same two people that you were. You still have the same communication patterns, and habits, and bring the same baggage, and expectations. And, so, just having the ceremony will not change how you're able to relate to each other in practical ways.
Dr. Kim: Yes. And if you aren't living together beforehand, which I hope couples aren't. Now, you're with that person all the time.
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: And, so, those little problems can become bigger problems.
Lindsay: Oh, my goodness.
Dr. Kim: Escalate, or new problems show up.
Lindsay: For sure.
Dr. Kim: So, yes, that's a really good point. And I think a lot of times we do think that things will be better once we're married. And maybe some things are, obviously, the frustration of sex, a lot of couples go through that. There is a way for that to play out in marriage, which should be better for them.
But there's other things that, it just isn't going to get better. Because you fight now it doesn't mean you're not going to fight when you're married. Especially when you're living together whole time and you learn that they put the toilet paper on the wrong. Put it backwards, "Why are they doing that?" All those little things that are normal that we find somebody does something different, and that it causes a problem.
Lindsay: Yes, for me, once we'd lived together after we were married. It was like, "Oh." The way we would handle arguments when we were engaged was, I would say, "Okay, I can't do this right now I'm going to leave."
But once you live in the same house, and then we'd revisit it later. But our conflict-solving style was such that I was the hedgehog who would run from the conflict and he was going, "No, we got to deal it."
And, so, before marriage, I would just go, "Okay, see you later." And, sometimes, it was nice, and sometimes it was not so nice. But after marriage we're like, "Well, now what, where do I go?" I was just like, "I'm stuck with you. "
Dr. Kim: "I go to our bedroom, you're there. I mean, what's this? I can't hide from you."
Lindsay: Yes, so then we're like, "Okay, we've got to find a new way to address this." We didn't say that in those cognizant words, it just became apparent, over time, we would have to deal with that. But, yes, it made it harder before because I just had assumed things would change and then hadn't really thought through the fact that, "You're always there now."
Dr. Kim: Yes, you're always there. Yes, and you didn't have a place to run to.
Lindsay: Yes, I didn't, no.
Dr. Kim: My, mom said, "Don't you ever think you can come back home." I mean, she was so against divorce or things like that, and she said, "Just so you know, that's not an option."
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: Now, I think if Nancy would've gone over there because we had a fight, she'd been embraced and brought in but not me.
Lindsay: I bet she would.
Dr. Kim: Yes.
Lindsay: Oh, your mom was such a boss lady, I love her stories, they're so good stuff.
Dr. Kim: She was great. She was awesome.
[00:18:09] < Music >
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[00:19:43] < Music >
Lindsay: So we've talked around it. But let's just be really clear, do the red flags just go away once you get married?
Dr. Kim: I've never seen it happen. I just don't think they do. I mean, could God work a miracle if you just prayed for it, yes, sure. But I think God wants us to go through things and learn things.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: I think the red flags get redder. I think once we get into a marriage situation and the things that we have ignored, it's so right in our face now. Like we were just talking about, you can't get away from it. So I just don't think it happens.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: They really don't. I think you've got to work through things. You've got to communicate and really some red flags before marriage can probably be handled by just good communication.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: By talking through some of this family of origins things that are different or some things like that. It's not rocket science to resolve these things. It's just being willing to do that because they're just, I don't think they go away.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: Do you?
Lindsay: I haven't seen it. I like how you said, "They get redder." I have seen that. I've seen where they just become more apparent.
Dr. Kim: Yes, we're just not wired that way. We can't just wipe out our memories.
Lindsay: We can't. And then it's also, I mean, there is a fact, a biblical truth that, "Iron sharpens iron." And one of the greatest tools of sanctification is being made aware of our selfishness and marriage is one of the best tools for that.
And, so, if God's purpose for us is our sanctification, is becoming holier, and becoming refined into His image. I mean, what better way than to be challenged and made aware of our own selfishness and self-centered perspective? Marriage is amazing for that, but that does not feel good.
Dr. Kim: No, because selfishness is always, and I think we all deal with it. But I always felt I really dealt with selfishness. And I think you just realize that you just can't be in a relationship with someone and have it be what you want it to be or what you dreamed it to be if selfishness stays in there.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: That at some point you've got to set yourself aside and do what Jesus did, and He was a servant and that's hard sometimes.
Lindsay: It's hard a lot of the time.
Dr. Kim: But the results, I mean, the things that Jesus teaches work, and the things that are different than what He teaches don't work. And I think the sooner we embrace some of those, the better our lives, and marriages, and relationships, are going to be.
Lindsay: Absolutely and I think as you're saying that, I think that a lot of times we can think that Jesus's teachings are grand. Like if you turn the other cheek or you... I'm blanking on a really tangible example because His teachings can be very hard to put into the rubber meets the road sometimes.
Because there are things like, "Blessed are the meek." Or whatever, and you're like, "Okay, I'll try to be meek." It's hard to put it into a tangible setting. And, so, tend to think, I've observed, we tend to think it's something grand, or great, or some mission, or some big act you would do.
But really to apply the teachings of Jesus, to be meek, or to be humble, or a servant leader in marriage is really in the small details. Of letting go of selfishness, of letting go of our expectations, and letting go of thinking our way is the right way. And, so, it's a lot smaller and more humble than we would imagine or, at least, that's what I tend to see happen.
Dr. Kim: I think so. And I think the more we see ourselves, the things we talk about being a team. About being a servant to each other. How can I help Nancy? How can I make her life better today?
Asking, "If there's something I can do to help you today?" Of just being kind just in those times when you're irritable and your spouse says something, and you haven't barked at anybody all day and there's your spouse and you want to bark at them, and not. And just realizing, "No, this is the person that's doing life with me."
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: So, yes, I think you're right, we can blow those things out. But I think really it's just doing the things each day, setting aside your selfishness, and focusing on your marriage and your spouse, and it pays off big time.
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: And none of us are going to be perfect at it.
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: But, "Yes, I'm not perfect, so I can get irritable, I can get, just testy a little bit, and I can get selfish." I can think, "Dude, we've come where you wanted to eat the last 10 times that we ate out." I want to go to this place no matter what.
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: But we don't, but then I probably don't. But anyway.
Lindsay: That's the real stuff, though, it's the real stuff. It really is, those little things, because then if you compromise there, you almost feel like, "Well, now it's your turn to compromise." But that's not necessarily reality and we're always making these little compromises to try to care for each other. It's just is that detailed when you're thinking about letting go of selfishness in marriage.
Dr. Kim: Yes, and I think just talking about things and willing to, if you're both making sacrifices, and you're both trying to serve each other, it really works. It may be out of balance, sometimes, but if that's your goal together. over time, over the years of marriage, it's going to make a difference.
Lindsay: Yes, I love that. So if a couple has had red flags and they didn't deal with them. They got married, their red flags are redder than ever. Is there still hope for their marriage?
Dr. Kim: Yes, I think, absolutely, I mean, that's why I'm a marriage counselor. Because, and those things don't go away and a lot of times it is, it's not frustrating. But I hate it when a couple comes in and we talk about when the issue started and they say, "Well, we saw this when we were dating." And now they're five years into the marriage or 10 years into the marriage, and they've never dealt with it.
So I think, yes, they can be dealt with, but the sooner the better. Don't just keep ignoring them. If you ignored them before you got married, now you're married and the same issues are coming up. Don't just continue to think they're going to go away or "We'll just ignore them because that just doesn't work." And, so, the sooner you're willing to address them and say, "Hey, let's go talk to a counselor."
Or, "Let's find a mentor couple."
Or, "Let's talk to our pastor." Begin to take the steps to resolve those. And plus I think once you realize that you can resolve issues, then I don't think it's so scary to face them in the future.
I think it's something that we all need to learn to do and that's to resolve our issues. To talk through, to listen to each other, to come to a solution that works for your marriage.
Lindsay: That is huge. That really is, because I've seen a lot of couples who they end up having a lot of areas where they just know they can't go there.
There are several topics that they will just not bring up, and they can talk to someone else about them and say, "Oh, yes, we have an issue here, but don't tell her I said that because it's not something we talk about."
And, so, if you know there are several hot-button issues that you're not able to discuss in your marriage. I mean, you're just piling them up left and right, and, like you said, if you do learn to resolve things that are empowering. That gives you this team-like win for your marriage. And on the flip side, if you just know you can't talk about things, you're digging yourself into a hole.
Dr. Kim: Yes, and if there are things I can't talk to Nancy about that puts a barrier there. I'm not going to be as trusting, I'm not going to be as open, I'm not going to be as transparent and honest, and I'm going to avoid that area. And what I've learned with us and from counseling couples, there's always an answer.
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: And avoiding it is not because it's going to affect, it's going to bleed over the rest of your marriage.
Lindsay: Yes, I think there's going to be some resentment there. There's going to be some bitterness. There's also going to be, I mean, that's not what you wanted when you got married.
When we get married we have these high hopes of we want to have this best friend and have so much in common, be able to talk about anything. And if you're going in the opposite direction, that's not what you hoped for, that doesn't feel good.
Dr. Kim: Yes, I think our goal is to go back. I think what God wants, for us is what He had with Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, before sin came into it and I think that's what God wants with us. He wants us to be that transparent, to be naked and ashamed with our spouse.
Where we are transparent and open, and you trust each other, and you put God in the center of the marriage, I think that's still the ideal that He wants. But we continue like Adam and Eve did after sin. And we continue to cover those areas where we're different, which they did with the fig leaves, and we, kind of, push away from those things.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And I think that when we do that, it just doesn't give us what God has for us in a marriage.
Lindsay: Yes, I agree. It's hard because it will take some work to, like you said, to overcome these things. But that's the way to get to that vision of marriage.
Dr. Kim: Right. I think, yes, if you go into the marriage, and I love Disney movies. But when Cinderella drives off and with friends and it says, "They lived happily ever after." If they really did, they didn't just sit in that coach for 50 years and smile at each other. They had to learn how to deal with those things and work through things just like we do.
Lindsay: Yes, for sure, so have you seen couples who were able to work through these things after getting married? Even if they did ignore them beforehand?
Dr. Kim: Yes, but I think both of them have to finally realize that there is an issue. One person can bring it up, but if the other person isn't willing to deal with that, with them, then it's not going to be resolved. So if you ignore things before, you get into marriage, an issue comes up or there's a problem and you're both saying, "Hey, we got to work this out." Absolutely.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: That you can work through those things. And the other thing, if you've got these rose-colored glasses, all couples have issues, all couples have problems to solve. And, so, if you get in the marriage and you've gotten some issue and you've come to solve them, the worst thing you can think of is, "I just married the wrong person."
Lindsay: Mm.
Dr. Kim: Now, you just have to learn how to do life with this person and how to resolve issues with this person. Because those same issues are going to be there in the next person, the next person, the next person.
And, so, if you want to have a legacy of a good marriage, work on the one that you're in, and learn to resolve things there. Because I believe you can and, especially if you're both working at it.
Lindsay: Yes, absolutely. And, so, if a seriously dating or an engaged couple is listening and they're realizing they have some red flags, what do they need to do today?
Dr. Kim: Get help. Reach out. Acknowledge it. Maybe one of you is listening, the other hasn't been listening to it and to say, "Hey, will you listen to this podcast with me again? And then can we talk about it or share what you learned out of the podcast."
Say, "I think it's time for us to address those things that we've been ignoring. And these are the things that I feel I've been ignoring or the things that you've been ignoring." And say, "Okay, gosh, we've got 12 things on here. I think we need to go to premarital counseling."
Or, "We've got one thing, we need to go to counseling. We've got to get help. We've got to figure this out before we get into marriage, so we don't carry this into our marriage relationship."
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: And I think, too, that's the time to learn to do those kinds of things, that's what an engagement is supposed to be. I think we look at it as just the time to plan a wedding, but it really is a time for a couple to learn more about each other. To grow as much as you can. To learn about things that you need to work on. I mean, that's a big part of that too, and I think so many times we totally ignore that.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm, I think so. I like what you said about, "Go ahead and get those issues on the table together." What if they have a long list? Do they work on everything or do they start with one thing? Or how would you approach that?
Dr. Kim: I love doing a priority, doing one to 10. And, so, if you've got a list of 15 things on there, prioritize them. What's a 10? What's a nine? What's a five? What's a one? And then look at your tens and work on those first, and may and pick one of them. You can't work on 10 things at a time.
But I think if you pick the one that's the 10 and begin to work on that, it may resolve a lot of them that are behind that just because you've learned how to resolve things. I mean, some people would say, "Work on the easy one first." I'd rather work on the hard things first. Because you work on the easy things first, it's like, "Well, that big one is coming. One day we're going to get to that one."
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: I'd rather deal with that one first, learn what we can from them. And I think it makes sense to take those applications on the others, a lot of times it makes it much easier to resolve them.
Lindsay: That's a great point.
Dr. Kim: But the key is just saying, "We can't keep doing what we're doing. This is insanity. If we want this marriage we talked about and dreamed about, and we're going to have seven kids, and we're going to have a house in the country, and all this kind of stuff. If we can't get along, we're never going to get there, so we got to figure this out."
Lindsay: Yes, that's really good. And I love, too, like you mentioned when you start working on things and you are able to find a resolution. You're going to feel so much more at peace in your relationship because you can tackle hard things.
Dr. Kim: Absolutely.
Lindsay: That's great for a marriage.
Dr. Kim: And I think, too, and one thing we talk about but, probably, not enough is, man, when you have those successes, celebrate it. Whatever celebration means to the two of you if it's going out to dinner, if it's getting ice cream, whatever it is.
Buying each other a little gift, whatever it is, celebrate those things. Because I think that reinforces just the whole thing, that, "We had an issue, that we resolved it and we celebrated, and we're excited about what God's doing in our marriage." That's really cool.
Lindsay: Absolutely, yes, that's really cool. You don't have to just go on to the next one on your list right away.
Dr. Kim: No, celebrate.
Lindsay: Yes, because that's good because you could have just ignored that and let it get worse and worse.
Dr. Kim: Yes, absolutely.
Lindsay: That's so good. Well, I feel like that's really encouraging and I'm so glad to hear these ways that couples can be not avoiding the red flags, but facing them. Do you have any final piece of advice for our listeners, today?
Dr. Kim: Yes, I mean, I think if it hits you, like we just said, take that step. If you're kind of past this and maybe you've even gotten married, and now you're realizing, "Oh, gosh, we should have done that then." It's never too late to take that step and to do that. And I'll just encourage you to do that. And those of you who are seriously dating or engaged, I'd encourage you to do premarital counseling.
Lindsay: Mm.
Dr. Kim: I think it's so important. I think it's something that makes such a difference in the couples. In fact, one of the studies I did in seminary was with premarital counseling, what the difference it made in couples that took it and didn't take it. And was a noticeable difference in the marriages of those who had premarital counseling. They were more prepared, they knew how to do a lot of things. And, so, I think it's just so important. Plus, it's not drudgery.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: I remember I did a class, one time, and one of the guys that was in it actually is on a local morning radio show. And I remember listening to him that morning, it was going to be a weekend deal, and then he goes, "Oh, I got to go to this pre-marital thing." And, so, I talked to him, I never told him I'd listened or anything. And then Monday's he's on and they go, "How'd that go?"
He goes, "Oh, my gosh, it was great. I learned so much. It was so good." And, so, yes, it's not drudgery. It can be a lot of fun and you learn, and you're doing it together, you're growing together, and that's such a big part of marriage anyway.
Lindsay: Yes, well, and I think if you're viewing it as drudgery, it might be drudgery. But if you actually have a good attitude, it's going to go better.
Dr. Kim: Keep your mind open when you get in there. And I knew, when I was teaching it like that, with big classes. That probably at least half, maybe, more of the guys were coming there because their fiancé wanted them to.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kim: So I always wanted to make it fun for them to do some things in the class, that they would relate to and enjoy.
Lindsay: Yes.
Dr. Kim: Maybe a couple of guy jokes or if we showed a movie clip of some romantic movie. I'd say something like, "How many of you wish somebody just had a gun or shooting up, or slapping somebody, or hitting somebody, and everybody goes, "Yes." So but it is fun.
Lindsay: Yes, well, thank you for sharing some of that wisdom. This is going to be great, we've got two more marriage mistakes to address, and it's so good to get this stuff on the table.
Dr. Kim: Mm-hmm.
Lindsay: I'm so glad that we have your wisdom to lean on here and that you've seen these things play out so many times. And for those of you listening, thank you for listening today, for sharing your time with us.
If you are engaged or if you're considering marriage, please check out our Prep for Marriage course. I'm going to have a link for that in the show notes, of course. It's an online course that Dr. Kim, that we've put together with the Awesome Marriage that just tackles a lot of the most important ways to prepare for marriage and it's not drudgery.
Dr. Kim: Yes.
Lindsay: Don't forget that we have a place to subscribe for the podcast email. So when we reference these links we have in show notes, you can get those wherever you listen to podcast. You can also have them delivered straight to your email every single week when we send out our podcast email update. You'll get those show notes, resources, and helpful application questions, all in one weekly email whenever our new episode goes live.
So check that out, you'll see that place to subscribe, have a great day, and do something awesome for your marriage today.
[00:37:30] < Outro >
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