Intellectual Intimacy: It Has Nothing To Do With Your IQ
This week in the Dispatch:
Favorite quotes and Celebrations in Quick Hits!
Think Again and All Creatures in the new “Media Spotlight”
“What has Jesus done for you?” in this week’s YV plan!
“How to Be Nice” on the AM Podcast
“Intellectual Intimacy” in Insights!
Challenges and a Next Step to grow your marriage!
This Week’s Quick Hits:
Here are 5 of my favorite all time quotes!
"Success is walking from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm." Winston Churchill
"I have learned over the years that when one's mind is made up, this diminishes fear." Rosa Parks
"How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world." Anne Frank
"I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the water to create many ripples." Mother Teresa
"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." Wayne Gretzky
Celebrate:
If you are looking for something to celebrate today, here you go!
If you love food, today is International Waffle Day and National Lobster Newburg Day
If you are looking for something to read today is “Tolkien Reading Day”
If you think all these celebrations are just plain nuts, tomorrow is “Make Up Your Own Holiday Day!”
Media Spotlight:
BOOK:
Think Again by Adam Grant made me do just that. It’s easy for all of us to get into ruts. In this very interesting book, Grant encourages us to continually question old assumptions and embrace new ideas and perspectives. The book is full of great stories like how an international debate champion wins arguments, how a Black musician persuades white supremacists to abandon hate, and how Grant has coaxed Yankees fans to root for the Red Sox! Grant is climbing up my ladder of favorite non-fiction writers and now sits just below Malcolm Gladwell, who still holds my number one spot!
STREAMING:
Like most of you, Nancy and I have watched a ton of Netflix, Prime, and movies in the past year. We have watched shows we loved, shows we liked, and shows that have made us ask, “Why did we spend eight hours watching that?”
All Creatures Great and Small fits into the first category. It is such a simple story of the staff of a veterinary practice in Yorkshire in 1937. It is a PBS production that you can watch on Prime for a nominal fee. The scenery is amazing, the story is compelling, and the characters are developed so well.
YouVersion Plan
Jesus Over Everything: A Study in Colossians by Dylan Dodson
It is no secret that Dylan Dodson is one of my favorite preachers. This is the second plan he’s written to add to our Awesome Marriage YouVersion catalogue. In this eight-day plan, Dylan takes us through the book of Colossians as he helps us see all that Christ has done for us and how He can rule in our lives.
Podcast:
Awesome Marriage Podcast: “Trusting God Through Grief “ with Special Guest Stacy Henagan | Ep. 462
Stacy and her husband, Casey, have four children. Their firstborn is Haven, who is in Heaven. Stacy shares the powerful story of how she emerged from Haven’s death with a greater belief that God is good and trustworthy. Her new book is Breathe Again.
Insights:
5 Types of Intimacy in Marriage: Intellectual Intimacy
A few weeks ago, I wrote about how the words “sex” and “intimacy” are often used interchangably although they are not the same thing. Sure, intimacy can lead to sex, but there is a distinction between the two. To help us better understand this concept, we’re looking at five types of intimacy in marriage. Today, intellectual intimacy.
Intellectual Intimacy
The first time I heard the words intellectual intimacy, I thought I would pass on that. I didn’t go to Harvard (even though I have a Harvard t-shirt). I did not ever see myself as an intellectual. I think I am pretty smart, but intellectual was a stretch. So when I realized what intellectual intimacy was all about, I gave myself a break.
Intellectual intimacy has nothing to do with intelligence. It’s about being diligent to get to know how each other’s minds actually work. It comes from sharing ideas, thoughts, hopes, passions, and fears with each other and having conversations that go below the surface. It comes from staying up late or even all night talking about life, marriage and a myriad of other things. It is feeling free to share thoughts and ideas even when you know your spouse may look at things differently.
Overall, Nancy and I have done this pretty well. One of the things Nancy always says attracted her to me was that I would talk with her. I was comfortable talking about anything and I loved talking and listening to her. When we were at TCU, there was a small Italian restaurant that we loved. We always sat in a booth that had doors on it that we could close for privacy. We could spend hours in our booth developing our intellectual intimacy!
I talk a lot about how important it is to be a student of your spouse. That means that there are always things to learn about your spouse. We all change, learn and grow. The Nancy that I married is not the Nancy of today. Sure, some things are the same, but she was 19 when I met her. We both had life experiences at that stage of life but 50 years later we both have added a lot more life experiences.
I do not think you can learn everything that there is to know about your spouse in a lifetime. I think that most of us just get lazy. It takes effort to study your spouse but there is a big payoff for all the effort: Life continues to be fun, interesting, challenging and awesome! I believe one of God’s plans for marriage is embodied in Proverbs 27:17, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” God has used Nancy in my life in so many ways. There is no way I would be who I am today without her. She encourages me, listens to me, tells me when I am wrong in a loving way, and challenges me. All that goes into our intellectual intimacy.
Let’s use “intentional’ again as we see how we can build intellectual intimacy into our marriage.
When we were first married, we had not developed a lot of things to do together. Our activities in college revolved around dates: movies, parties, dinner, and hanging out. Now Nancy was living in a new city and finishing college at a new school. I was trying to start a career. Our lives were busy and we were getting into a rut. We needed new things to do together. We tried golf but that failed for a thousand reasons. We tried tennis and found something we both liked. Our competitiveness kept us from playing each other except when practicing. It was amazing how intense we could get with each other when on different sides of the net. The best things for us have been ones that were not competitive. We could not even play backgammon without getting riled at each other! Through trial and error, here are some of the things we really enjoy doing together: Cooking, gardening, hiking, exploring, watching British mysteries, and sharing books. If you are doing well in this area, keep it up. If not, each of you write down five things you would like to do together. Then try them out one at a time, alternating lists. Give each one a chance and see what you can come up with.
Sometimes when I suggest that a couple needs to spend time together, just the two of them, they look almost frightened. Some couples seem to do this easily, while others struggle. If you are in the “we struggle” line, try this. Get your feet wet. Set aside 15 minutes every day as uninterrupted time for the two of you to talk. Share your day, how you saw God in the world today, your hopes, your dreams, or something funny. It may be awkward at first but keep it up.
Another thing that I think helps but see very few couples do is asking each other’s opinion on things. Maybe you are recovering a sofa and never asked your spouse’s opinion on the fabric before. Ask. Not because you have to, but because you want to value their opinion and you want to know what they like and do not like.
The bottom line on intellectual intimacy is this. There is nothing that you would not talk about or share with your spouse and you do this in complete confidence and with absolutely no fear.
You are willing to try new things together. You develop interests together. Your values are in alignment. You always have each other’s back. You find creative ways to connect every day. That’s it!
Challenge:
Now that you have a definition of Intellectual Intimacy, how would you rate yours in your marriage on a 1-10 scale, with 10 being awesome?
What is a first step in strengthening or growing the Intellectual Intimacy in your marriage?
If you set aside an hour for just the two of you, how would you use that time to connect Intellectually?
Next Step:
Discuss your favorite ways of connecting with each other and then be intentional to live those out!
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