Fear and Marriage
This week in the Dispatch:
Quotes and Trivia on “fear” in Quick Hits
Read: Malcolm Gladwell’s latest
“Stop the Fighting - Part 2:” - this week’s YV plan
Listen: Week 2 of podcasts worth repeating
Watch: “Creating Margin in Your Marriage” on the Awesome Marriage YouTube Channel
“Fear” in Insights plus Next Steps and a Challenge
This Week’s Quick Hits:
Quote and Trivia:
This week's Insights is about fear and your marriage. Here are two great quotes about fear.
“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.” - Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
“I have accepted fear as part of life – specifically the fear of change... I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back....” - Erica Jong
… and some Trivia on “Fear”
What would you fear if you suffered from oneirophobia? You probably would not look forward to going to bed.
Astronauts would be in trouble if they suffered from this phobia. What is barophobia a fear of?
Bruce Wayne had to overcome this phobia before he could become Batman. What is chiroptophobia?
Wintertime can be tough for those afflicted with chionophobia. It is a fear of what?
What is the fear of wild animals?
What is the fear of being unclean or dirty?
Colonel Muammar Gaddafi, who was the leader of Libya from 1969-2011, had a real phobia of what?
While walking down the street your palms begin to sweat, you get short of breath and you feel dizzy. You look around you and see a bald man. You run into the nearest building to avoid him. Which phobia do you possibly have?
If you have a lot of phobias (about twenty) and don't want to list all of them, you could just say you have what?
If you suffer from pogonophobia it is unlikely you would be a fan of the American rock group ZZ Top. What are you afraid of?
Read, Listen, Watch
Read:
The Bomber Mafia by Malcolm Gladwell
The Wikipedia definition of “The Bomber Mafia” says, “They were a close-knit group of American military men who believed that long-range heavy bomber aircraft in large numbers were able to win a war.” The derogatory term "Bomber Mafia" was used before and after World War II by military members who did not share their belief and were frustrated by their insistence that the heavy bomber should take a primary position in planning and funding. The story is told by Malcolm Gladwell in his engaging style. It’s a story of persistence, innovation, and the reality of war. I love this book!
YouVersion Plan:
Stop the Fighting - Part 2: Breaking the Cycles of Unhealthy Conflict
In this 4-day plan that is the followup to “Stop the Fighting - Part 1” we look at healthy ways to resolve conflict as well as how to deal with anger and hurt in a healthy way.
Listen:
Awesome Marriage Podcast
Worth Repeating: Checking In So You Don’t Check Out
As Christina and I take a four-week break, we will open the vault of 468 podcasts and select a podcast that we think is “Worth Repeating.” This week, it’s “Checking In So You Don’t Check Out” and we talk about easy ways to prevent some of the conflict in your marriage. Tune in if you missed this episode before or if you could use a reminder of how to have less conflict with your spouse.
Watch:
This week on the Awesome Marriage YouTube channel, we start a short four part series on “Creating Margin in Your Marriage.” Most of us desire margin is something with our finances. What if we introduced the idea of “margin” to our marriage? Would it really make a difference? Tune in this week to find out!
Insights:
Fear and Your Marriage
The online dictionary defines fear as “an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.” I believe that fear can serve a purpose in our lives and in our marriages. A few ways fear can be purposeful are:
Courage happens when we do something that we were afraid to do.
Fear can keep us safe. When our lives are threatened, the “fight or flight” response kicks in.
Fear often points us to areas that we need to examine.
How do each of these affect our marriage? Fear often seems a barrier too high to scale. Maybe you were hurt deeply in a previous relationship. It could have been unfaithfulness, physical abuse, financial ruin, or a number of other things. Those with one of these barriers have a choice. They can choose to risk again, praying that this person and this relationship will be different, or they can stay in the relationship but never attempt to scale the barrier. It takes courage to overcome this fear.
One of the key purposes of fear is to keep us safe. When we feel that we are in a threatening situation, self-preservation kicks in and we experience the fight or flight response. For some people, the feeling can be as intense as if their life was in danger. Fear can play out in a number of ways in a marriage. When fear occurs, the fearful spouse may hide. They may hide emotionally by keeping everything inside or literally hide to protect themselves from the perceived danger.
When fear kicks in so does the adrenaline, but fight or flight may not be the best option if our life is not truly in danger. We may be reacting to something that has nothing to do with our spouse or marriage and is a carryover fear response from our past. When this fear occurs, it is time to ask ourselves, “Why am I fearful? Is it this situation or a trigger from my past.”
God has a plan for you, your spouse and your marriage. Fear does not belong in a marriage. Fear is a huge roadblock to an awesome marriage. If there is fear in your marriage, it is a red flag that something is wrong and needs to be dealt with. (If you are fearful because there is abuse, get help and get out.)
Fear can push us to learn more about ourselves and our marriage. As God grows a marriage, it is necessary for the husband and the wife to become more vulnerable, more loving, and more compassionate. If this causes fear, there is one important thing to remember. Fear is not the issue. Fear is not the enemy. It’s the red flag that something is wrong. The issue is how we react to the fear. Does it paralyze us or do we choose to process through it all the way to the root cause?
As with so many things in our lives, we have a choice. How will you choose to handle fear? Fear in our marriage is a flashing sign that says, “Don’t risk. Don’t be vulnerable. Don’t trust.” If we give in to the fear, we have only a shell of a marriage left. If we embrace the fear and let it lead us to a deeper dive within ourselves, we take a big step towards the marriage that God designed for us.*
(*Thanks to Dr. F. Emelia Sam for her research on this topic.)
Challenge:
Was there a time in your life where you showed courage in overcoming fear? Share what happened.
What is one fear in your marriage that is a roadblock. Take time to find the root of that fear.
Next Step:
Is there a fear that you are giving into in your marriage? What do you need to do to process through the fear and remove it from your life?
This Week’s Answers:
Crazy Funny Sports Trivia Questions:
Dreams
Gravity
Fear of bats
Snow
Agrizoophobia (the fear of all animals is zoophobia, but agrizoophobia is the fear of wild animals such as giraffes, zebras, lions and bears)
Automysophobia (the fear of being contaminated with dirt or germs)
Flying over water
Peladophobia (fear of going bald)
Polyphobia (fear of many things)
Beards.
*Some links are affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn from qualifying purchases. Every dollar made goes directly to the ministry of Awesome Marriage to help couples build awesome marriages. We only promote products we truly recommend.