“Be Present:” One Idea, Two Meanings
This week in the Dispatch:
5 Quick Hits!
Learning how to ask good questions in books
Millennial Marriages in YV Plans
Sam Acho with Dr. Kim on the podcast
5 Sexual Wants in Insights
Follow up questions in Challenges!
A Next Step to make sex in your marriage better!
This Week’s Quick Hits:
"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on." - Franklin D. Roosevelt
Fact: The CIA headquarters has its own Starbucks, but baristas don’t write names on the cups.
The length of February was finalized when Julius Caesar remade the Roman calendar and assigned the month 28 days and 29 days. February was officially added to the Roman calendar in 713 B.C.
The odds of being born on February 29th are about 1 in 1,461. Those born on a leap day can be called a “leaper” or “leapling.”
Humans are the only animals that blush. Mark Twain said, "Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to."
Book:
Doesn’t Hurt To Ask by Trey Gowdy
As a counselor, I know the importance of asking good questions. In this book, Trey Gowdy shares the difference that questions make whether at home, at work, or in the courtroom. Real courtroom case studies illustrate the mindset needed to effectively communicate your message. It is both enlightening and entertaining.
YouVersion Plan:
Challenges of a Millennial Marriage by Dr. Kim
I asked the YouVersion content team to share some topics with me that they felt needed to be addressed with a reading plan. Topics that people were requesting or asking about. One of these topics was millennial marriage. Our Awesome Marriage Team surveyed millennials and asked them to share the unique challenges that they were experiencing in marriage. This seven-day plan is built around those responses.
Podcasts:
Awesome Marriage Podcast
Each month in 2021, the Awesome Marriage Podcast will feature a special guest. Don’t miss my interview with Sam Acho next Tuesday. Sam was an Honorable Mention All American while playing football at the University of Texas and then was drafted by the Arizona Cardinals. Sam is open and transparent as we talk about marriage, football, fear, God and a lot more. Sam is a valued friend. Don’t miss this one and help us spread the word.
Insights
Recently, we ran a survey to gather data for an upcoming video seminar where I will speak about “5 Things Your Spouse Wants From You in Bed.” It was a simple survey that asked participants to list the top five things they want from their spouse in their sexual relationship. The seminar is presented by our friends The Dating Divas. I spoke at last year’s event and was so impressed with the seminar and great speakers that I was honored to be asked back. There’s good news and bad news. Bad news first: The seminar does not go live until May 17th. The good news is that I have a sneak preview that will help your marriage now.
Of the five things on each list, both husbands and wives said, “be present.” Husbands and wives used the same words but with a different twist. “Be present” plays out very differently for a man and for a woman. A lot of words have multiple meanings. For example, “bark” can refer to the outer covering of a tree or the sound a dog makes. The word “nails” is a good male / female example. A woman may want to treat herself by getting her nails done. A man may want to go to the hardware store to buy nails for a project. Same word. Both enjoy the result of their definition of the word. But they’re using two entirely different meanings. As I looked at the responses to “be present,” I saw two different meanings.
There were three sub headings under “be present” that helped define what the husbands wanted: connection, satisfaction, and time together afterwards. Let's look at what the guys mean by connection. Sex is a physical, mental, emotional, and even spiritual experience. A husband wants his wife to be engaged. He wants to know that she wants to be with him physically. It is a mode of communication. It connects us in ways that truly are hard to describe because they are so experiential. Men want this with their wives. It draws us closer to them. When Nancy and I are in a regular pattern of sex, I feel closer to her. I feel more connected. I’m not irritable. I am more motivated to serve her. There are other factors that can go into this need but for me, the main one is that this is the way God created man and the only person that can meet that need is his wife.
For the women, “be present” included being mentally and physically present, being faithful, and thinking only of her. The physical part is not difficult to accomplish. Just show up. Then what does it mean to be present mentally? To our wives, this means we are thinking only of her. We are faithful to her in our thought life. No intruding thoughts of other women, porn, or of anything other than her. She wants to know that she turns you on and that you desire her - only her.
Sometimes this is challenging because almost every man has seen porn at some level or has had a previous sexual experience before marriage. If you are a man and have not, consider yourself blessed! Men are visual and what we take in visually sticks. What we have seen with porn or old girlfriends sticks. Those images are in our brains. We have to replace those with our wife: images of her; thoughts of her. I have prayed for many years that my sexual desire would be for Nancy only. Guess what? God has consistently answered that prayer.
In May, you can watch the entire talk. Until then, how can you use these survey results to help your marriage? How can you “be present” with your spouse? Look at the Challenge and Next Steps.
Challenge:
Ladies, talk about this with your husband. Have him explain to you in his own words what “being present” sexually means to him.
Men, talk about this with your wife. Have her tell you in her words what it means to her that you “be present” in your sex life.
Next Step:
Now that you know what it means to your husband or your wife to “be present,” be present in the way that your husband or your wife defines it the next time you have sex.
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