Do you remember the first time your were selfish? Probably not. I tend to remember the things that cast a better light on me than my selfishness. I do remember seeing that for the first time in my children. I was amazed when this perfect little child that had been so sweet and innocent grabbed something from another child with force and said, "Mine!" Wow. I remember thinking, "Where did that come from?" They never saw me grab something away from Nancy. It was then that I began to understand at a much deeper level my own sin nature. I am basically selfish and unless I let God change me, I can be a wrecking ball in relationships.
I never thought I would be selfish in my marriage. It was not like I plotted these selfish acts against Nancy. It just happened. I was selfish. My needs, wants and desires came before her. I was number one and she was number two, or three, or ten. I thought I could just steam roll over her but I forgot she was also a Type A personality. She was not one to be steam rolled easily, if at all. There were conflicts, fights and hurtful things said. Being selfish in my marriage was not working.
This one was all about me. It was hard to blame it on Nancy. The bottom line was that I was selfish and if my marriage was going to work that had to change. As I was listening to the lyrics of the song “White Flags” I could not get these lines out of my head:
We cannot win this fight,
Inside our rebel hearts.
That’s it, is it not? I have to surrender my selfishness to God. I have to believe that His plan for me and my marriage is better than anything I could ever orchestrate on my own. He will not change anything in me or Nancy that is not perfect for us individually and for our marriage. It is surrender time again. I lay down my selfishness at the feet of God and let Him make me knew. I raise the ‘white flag’ and Love has truly won.
What are the selfish areas of your life? What do you need to lay at God’s feet in surrender?