This “Wrench” Can Bring the Cycle to a Halt

I have been writing about the “wrenches” we can throw in our marriage that take us away from what we really want. Sometimes our wrenches have become such a part of our lives that we do not realize that we are still carrying them or the damage they can do. Let’s look at another “wrench” this week.

Why do we often make the act of forgiveness so difficult? Why do we hesitate to do something that God actually tells us to do? When I teach singles about what to look for in a future mate or even someone to date, I share this with them. If you are in a relationship where the person cannot forgive you, get out! Run and don’t look back! You will screw up, so you have to be married to someone who can and will forgive you. If you are not, life will be really hard. 

Most of us began marriage knowing we were marrying someone who could forgive our screwups. Yet, for some, that becomes increasingly difficult over time. There are a myriad of reasons why we have trouble forgiving but none of them are justified. I can hear some of you now: “But you don’t know what they did!” You’re right, I don’t. But I also know you will never have the marriage you want until these things are resolved, forgiven, and in the rearview mirror. 

For some it is a real risk. You may be afraid that if you forgive, they will do it again. They may, but you will never have what you want until you take that risk. Why does God tell us to forgive?  First, He knows there is no relationship without forgiveness. (Our relationship with Jesus, for example). Second, He is not asking us to do something that He has not done.  

Nancy: In our marriage, there was never anything I thought was unforgivable. I’ve been really angry with you at times, but there wasn’t anything I thought I couldn't forgive. 

Kim: So how do you think we’ve handled forgiveness in our marriage? 

Nancy: In early marriage, we’d hold grudges. Even for probably the first 30 years of marriage, I was definitely bad about holding a grudge and giving the silent treatment. But I’ve just grown to find out that you don’t deserve that. 

Kim: Looking back, what was the point of the silent treatment?

Nancy: I wanted to punish you. Usually I’d hold out until you made the first move. I was pretty stubborn. 

Kim: Early in our marriage, you would usually ask forgiveness first. I don’t think I did my part to apologize and to say I’m sorry, no matter who was wrong. 

Nancy: It’s still hard for me now to say that I’m sorry. 

Kim: It sounds like you’re saying that most of the unforgiveness was a manipulative thing. 

Nancy: Yes. Absolutely. 

Kim: Was there a time that you felt you needed to set those things aside? Talk a little bit about that. 

Nancy: I think it was just a lot of life experienced, and knowing how much you really love me. Growing into that trust and loving you back was a big part of that. 

Kim: Say we were mentoring a couple before they got married, and you sensed after spending some time with the woman that she had trouble with forgiveness. How would you counsel her? 

Nancy: I’d go back to her relationship with the Lord, and how she accepted His forgiveness and what that means to her. I’d ask her about what Jesus did for her and what she deserved, and bring her back to her own human fallenness. I’d say to always remember that when God says to forgive quickly and much. Am I really being faithful to Jesus if I don’t forgive? And it’s so much better when you do. It took me a while to get over grudge-holding, but it’s such a sense of relief once you do forgive someone! 

Kim: Can you think of any times I said I forgave you but it felt like I didn’t? 

Nancy: No, you were always pretty honest. 

Kim: Did you ever have any times you said you forgave me but you were really holding on? 

Nancy: No. 

Kim: I think so too. I think we were pretty good about that. It wasn’t like we always had a passionate reunion, but we’d ease back into it. 

Next Steps: Is there something you have not forgiven your spouse for? If you answered yes, what steps do you need to take to heal this area of your life and your marriage? Maybe it is counseling. Maybe it is prayer. Whatever you need to do, please do it. Don’t let unforgiveness ruin all you hoped and dreamed this time in your  marriage would be for the two of you.