The Truth Doesn’t Matter As Much As This Does
I love weddings. Well, more accurately I love receptions. I love a great excuse to get down on the dance floor. The dance floor at a wedding is a great equalizer. All walks of life enter it, from sweet toddlers jumping up and down to the adorable couple in their 80s swaying sweetly. And all variations of dancing abilities can freely meet on the dance floor because it’s a wedding after all! A celebration of love, family, and friends and no judgement of skill entertained. No one is getting booed off the dance floor at a wedding!
Now imagine if there were a judge at every reception. If there was a dance instructor coming around to each and every person on the dance floor correcting their form and pointing out every flaw in their movement. That would suck all the joy right out of the dance floor. No one would dare come running to the dance floor no matter what song came on. Not even Bruno Mars himself could get you to place your toe on that dance floor if someone was there to correct you.
Thankfully for those of us that like to boogie, there is no one coming around to correct our dancing. But can you say the same for your marriage? Are you sucking all the joy out of your spouse by correcting them?
I don’t know a single couple that doesn’t fall into this trap at least some of the time. Couples constantly correct each other in front of other people. “That’s not what happened,” “I’ve never seen you do that,” “No it went like this…”
Because we feel like we know best and we get a front row seat to our spouse’s every day life we feel the need to correct them when they are talking. But I'm here to tell you it doesn’t matter how the story actually unfolded. It doesn’t matter if they aren’t getting the details right. It doesn’t matter if what they are saying doesn’t seem totally true to you. The truth doesn’t matter.
The truth (in your eyes mind you!) does not matter as much as respect for your spouse does.
Their respect matters more than what you give up when you correct them in front of others. When you correct your spouse in front of others it degrades and invalidates them.
When you choose to correct your spouse’s words you might (that’s a big *might*) achieve a more accurate conversation but in return you are giving up some of your spouse’s dignity, freedom, and space to be and say what they want. Most people shrink back when corrected too often. They feel squelched and defeated. Why share when you know your spouse is going to correct your every word?
When you choose to correct your spouse you are giving up some respect for them. You are declaring to everyone listening, “they don’t know what they are talking about - hear me instead! I know what I am talking about!”
Your spouse is an adult, capable of carrying on their own conversations without your commentary. Your spouse is their own person and they don’t need you going behind them correcting them. It’s not your job to make them accurate.
Give your spouse and marriage more freedom and joy by making the decision to stop correcting your spouse in front of other people.
The next time you feel the urge to correct your spouse, remember what you will give up if you decide to correct them and instead choose to hold your tongue.
If this is a struggle in your marriage, it’s time to make a change. Talk to your spouse about how you’ve been correcting them and let them know you're sorry. Let them know you want to work on this and that you invite them to remind you about it if you start to slip into old patterns. Pray and ask God to help you break this habit. Pray and ask God to help you hold your tongue when you feel the need to correct.
Because just like we don’t need a dance instructor correcting our form on the dance floor at a wedding, your spouse does not need an every day, every moment commentator correcting them.
No one needs an every day, every moment commentator and even if we did, we’d obviously choose Morgan Freeman, not you.
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Written By Christina Dodson, COO of Awesome Marriage
Are you ready to build awesome communication in your marriage and intentionally connect with your spouse? Join Dr. Kim for the “7 Communication Mistakes Couples Make in Marriage” webinar.