"Rebuilding Trust - 1"

We get lots and lots of questions concerning infidelity.  It is a problem that far too many couples have to deal with.  Let me begin with this.  If you have trust in your marriage, hold it sacred.  Do not do anything to tarnish it in any way.  It is a precious gift that at times we can take for granted.  Yet, when it is broken it can take a really long time to rebuild it.  Some couples never get it back. Let’s look at this scenario.  A couple marries.  The early years of marriage are really good.  They feel close and connected.  They enjoy spending time together and work through issues as they come up.  Then something changes.  It could be one of their jobs.  It could happen as they begin to raise a family.  It could be the stress of finances.  Whatever the cause, they begin to drift apart.  They do not spend the time together that they used to.  They seldom connect.  Their sex life gets interrupted. The needs that were being met so well for each of them in marriage are no longer met.  There might be arguments and there might not.  But the bottom line is that the marriage is slowly crumbling away.

Now a third person appears on the horizon.  This person is interesting, funny, sexy, handsome, or beautiful.  They listen really well and all of a sudden they are meeting the needs that the spouse used to meet.  The baby steps are small and are easily justified but one day they find themselves in an affair.  They think about getting out but do not and one day their spouse finds out.

Most of the couples that I work with in counseling where there has been an affair in the marriage follow the above script pretty closely.  Some things change, but the results are the same: a marriage in shambles and nobody knows how to fix it.

Dr. Kim