Just What Is Intimacy?
Often when I am talking with couples they use the words “intimacy” and “sex” interchangeably. In the past as a counselor, I have done the same thing. The problem is that “intimacy” and “sex” are not the same thing and I needed to know how to communicate that distinction clearly if I was to expect couples to understand the differences.
Intimacy can certainly lead to sex but it can stand on its own as something that draws a couple closer together. Communication can be intimate. Praying together can be intimate. Experiencing something special between the two of you can be intimate. Treating each other gently can be intimate.
Marriage is the relationship designed to give people the opportunity to be as close as two people can be. Over the course of a marriage intimacy is designed to build and grow. A couple’s care for each other grows and they grow increasingly closer to each other.
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In our marriage, it took us a while to figure this out. At 22, I was focused on perfecting our sex life and had no idea that things like good communication and quality time played a part. Sex without intimacy is just that - sex. Sex with intimacy is different. It’s that connection at the deepest level of our souls. It’s the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual all coming together in the sex act. For any two people, fireworks can go off in the sex act. When there is intimacy, it’s like the two of you are surrounded by the fireworks and they ignite your souls in a way that words cannot describe.
I think Nancy and I just stumbled into the value of intimacy in our marriage. We began to put the pieces together. The more we put each other first right behind God, the better our marriage and our connection to each other got. On the other hand, it seemed that we could take big steps backwards when our connection was struggling or missing. This thing we stumbled into could be fleeting and if we wanted intimacy to be a daily part of our marriage, it was going to take a lot more than a stumble to make it happen.
The first time I heard someone refer to being intentional in your marriage, it got my attention. It was like discovering the cheat code of a video game. It was the answer I was looking for without knowing I was looking for it. Being intentional was doing something on purpose. Being intentional in my marriage was me doing what I was supposed to do as a husband on purpose every single day. I had a game plan. Now the question was whether I would execute it or not?
For You:
How would you define intimacy in your marriage?
How would you rate the intimacy in your marriage today on a 1 to 10 scale with 10 being outstanding?
What does being intentional in your marriage look like to each of you?