Questions for Dr. Kim

Do you have a question about dating, relationships, or marriage?  If you do, now is your chance to ask Dr. Kim.  Dr. Kim will answer your questions every Thursday.   Send your question to: drkim@iwantanawesomemarrige.com. 

The response in week one was amazing and overwhelming!  Dr. Kim will answer the first 25 questions each week and then some of those will be chosen to appear here.   (Your name will be omitted from the response to honor your privacy.)

This Week's Questions

Question: What do you do when you are with the guy you love but he lacks intimacy such as cuddling that this other guy that you were in love with enjoyed doing. Is this a sign that I should be with that other person I was in love with?

Dr. Kim: If the physical touch is your “love language” then you will feel most loved when your spouse/boyfriend gives you that affection.  Have you talked to your current boyfriend about that?  If not, I would do that first. 

Question: Both my wife and I worship Jesus as Lord.  We have been married almost two years.

One common situation I find myself in is that if I do something to upset her (honestly unknowingly) she will become quiet and give me the "silent treatment" for anywhere from 10 min to typically much, much longer, before finally opening up about what it was that I did to upset her.  She often apologizes the next day, but I struggle with confusion over her initial response.  I believe she said she saw her mother react this way while growing up, but I try to tell her that communication is important and the "silent treatment" hurts me and leaves me confused.  Any advice or steps to take or something for us to talk about that might help eliminate the silent treatment from our future conflicts?

Dr. Kim: If she needs time to think things through or to calm down, using a time-out would be a good option.  Here is a short video that will help you with that.

http://www.iwantanawesomemarriage.com/blog/secrets-video-series-time-out

Question: My boyfriend and I are reaching some conflict in our relationship. We've been dating for over a year and are strongly committed to one another. But lately I've been having doubts because we have issues communicating. I feel as though I don't have freedom to say anything because I am nervous that it will start an argument. What are the best ways to learn how to communicate without the conversation turning into an argument? 

Dr. Kim: One of the tools I teach in communication is STOP-LOOK-LISTEN.  When you are talking about something that is important, STOP everything else (TV, reading, etc), LOOK (face each other and look into each others eyes), LISTEN (reflect back what the other person said in a way that they know you heard them).  Most of good communication is good listening.  We can listen five times faster than someone can speak, so what we do with that extra time affects good communication. If you are thinking what you will say when they finish instead of trying to really hear what they are saying, communication goes downhill.  

James 1:19 says, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”