Milestones
Recently, I have been thinking and writing about love. Nancy and I have spent a lot of time together talking about love. Today, I want to continue with some of our thoughts and conversations.
Dr. Kim: Looking back over our marriage, there are definitely milestones that took the love in our marriage to a new level. Most of the time we were able to keep that ground we gained and use it as a springboard to the next level. It’s important to remember those significant times in our marriage that drew us closer to each other.
For us, there were the normal times of warmth that we experienced with the birth of both of our children. Grant was born five years into our marriage and we were more than ready to be parents. Then it was the joy of having a girl when Julie was born. We experienced fun times together that added to our foundation and have given us a lot of great memories.
For our 25th anniversary, we took a trip to the Caribbean. It was one of those magical trips that we really needed even though we didn’t know we really needed it. Perfect weather. Perfect beach. Beautiful water. Amazing sunsets. We weren't quite empty nesters but we were getting close. We spent every day and night together for a week. After spending so much time raising kids and filling our lives with all kinds of distractions, we got reacquainted. That may sound strange because we had a good marriage before the trip. After that trip, we had a whole new focus for our marriage and the years in front of us. There are times that a marriage needs a reset. It was one of those times for us and became a milestone moment.
Nancy: Looking back, there are definitely highlights. I think you grow with every season of life - every hour, every month. We’ve always had great friends, and enjoyed doing things with friends we loved and respected. We enjoyed trips with family. Our anniversary trip was truly a remarkable experience because we’d never really had anything like that. We had our honeymoon, and that’s when you’re supposed to be romantic, but that had really failed me. On our honeymoon I was just miserable! I got sick, and I didn’t want to be where we were. You were being bossy to me, and that made me push away from you a little bit. I felt smothered. But we were just kids then!
That anniversary trip awakened a new part of us in a sexual way. Just being in a romantic place where we had nothing else to do but be together really pointed us in a new direction. After that trip, we really looked forward to going away by ourselves more after that and we made the time for it.
Another time I want to mention is about 10 years ago, when I quit drinking. I feel like I grew in love with you then. Before that, when we would have wine, that kind of blurred things. When you’re drinking, not even getting drunk, but just drinking some, you feel more in love with everybody! So when I quit, that forced me to deal with what I was really feeling daily: anger, happiness, joy, romance.
Your Turn:
When was the last time the two of you took a trip just for two? No family. No friends. Just you two. Here are some things to think about as you plan that trip:
Think about a trip that gives you a lot of face to face time together. Beach trips are great for that. Don’t do a trip where you tour everything and then hit the bed exhausted every night.
If you can swing a week or more, go for it. It may take a day or two to unwind and get your focus set on each other.
Talk. If this has been a regular part of your marriage, it should come pretty easily. If not, I promise you can do it. Get to know each other again.
Keep your expectations realistic. Your goal is simple: to connect in a way that grows your love for each other.
One more thing. Nancy shared how drinking had been a cover up for her. Are you doing anything that covers up what you really need to deal with? If so, commit to dig deep and work through whatever you are covering up. You and your marriage will benefit!