Love is Leading
The Bible does not say a husband is to be the leader for a while and then he gets to retire from that role. Jesus is pretty clear when He says, “Whoever wants to be great must become a servant. Whoever wants to be first among you must be your slave. That is what the Son of Man has done: He came to serve, not be served - and then to give away his life in exchange for the many who are held hostage." (Matthew 20:26-28 The Message).
It goes back to serving our spouse and being completely unselfish. What does it look like to lead like that?
Here is my take on what a wife needs from her husband as a leader:
A sense of safety and security.
To know her husband will protect, watch over, and keep her from harm.
To know her husband would never knowingly hurt her.
I don’t pretend that I have always done these well. It has been a series of trials and errors. I had to know what each of those meant to Nancy. What made her feel safe and secure? How could I best protect her and what did she need protection from? What was I doing that was hurting her?
That was a tough one for me. Some of the things that hurt her were not on my radar. My standard response was, “That shouldn’t hurt you.” If I did not intend harm, how could she take it as harm? I had to grow into accepting that if it hurt her, it hurt her no matter my intent and it had to stop!
I have never met a man that said, “I have leadership in marriage down and I have from the beginning.” (Again, if you have, email me (drkim@awesomemarriage.com). We will write a book together!) So if you are thinking “I have blown this so many times, how can I do better?” Here are four steps to get you on the right track:
Set a level playing field. If you have ever hurt your wife in any way, tell her you are sorry and that from today on you will never knowingly hurt her again.
Ask her what you can do to help her feel protected and cared for. Then do it.
Ask her about her fears and then together lay those at the feet of God in prayer.
Pray and ask God to show you daily how to be a courageous and selfless leader in your marriage.
Honestly, I think we make leading a lot more difficult than it is. If I get all the junk like pride and selfishness out of the way, serving my wife is pretty easy.
Overtime With Nancy:
Kim: Early in marriage, I didn’t understand what leadership was. I think it came off as me being controlling, and trying to kind of tell you what to do. I think because of your personality type, you rebelled against that.
Nancy: Yes that’s definitely true. I definitely rebelled. I think there's a lot of rebelling that goes on today. I don't think that a lot of people understand the biblical definition of leading together in a marriage.
Kim: So when do you think I figured out how to lead the way God wanted me to?
Nancy: I think it was when you deepened your faith and began to get more deeply into your ministry.
Kim: I think so. I think in the culture I grew up with, men were the dominant ones, and I think that wasn’t right. We had to learn to lead in the ways God wanted us to lead.
Nancy: I agree. You and I are prime examples of the end of that era, basically. Where the man was the “say-so” in the family, and the wife was basically subservient. Today, women rebel against that, and I don’t blame them because I think there are a lot of dominating tendencies from a man if he takes that perspective.
I think we need to talk more about what it means to lead together. I know God intends you to be head of the home, just as Christ is the head of the Church, but that doesn’t mean the wife is less significant. She is also the head in her role as wife and mother, and she is also a leader in the family. I think we were created with the husband to be stronger, physically, and in a role of protection. The mother also protects her kids, but the husband is basically the warrior for his family.
Kim: I think some rebellion against this idea comes from how men have gone about leadership. If you take the idea of leadership and put it under Jesus’ example, that was meant to be how to lead - as a servant leader. And he died for us. I think guys equate leadership in their work or business with their leadership at the home, and that doesn’t work. In work, if we have people who work under us, we tell them what to do and they do it. That’s not the way marriage is supposed to be.
I almost wish we had a different word to use that would fit our culture more so that people could understand it. I do think it’s important to understand what God’s plan is, and there is a lot of responsibility placed on the husband. He is to serve, protect and die to himself for the sake of the family, which is really hard to do in a culture that tells you it’s all about you.
Nancy: I agree with that. I like to think of myself as serving with you, at your side, rather than under you. Yet, I defer to you where it needs physical strength or help with a final decision if it’s within your area of expertise.
Kim: I look at it as a symbiotic relationship. We’re side by side, we’re equals, yet we both have gifts that the other doesn’t have, so we’re indispensable to each other. We’re there together. I do think that God puts it on us to lead in the way he wants us to lead.
Nancy: Exactly.
Kim: I think my wins as a leader have been when I got that. When I listen to you, like if we have a decision to make, I value what you tell me, then we talk about it. Then I think that when we come together, we’re usually able to be on the same page together and come to the same decision.
For You:
As a husband, what are your leadership struggles in marriage?
What stands in the way of you being the leader God created you to be?
Which of the four steps above to get you on track will you begin doing?