Do Feelings Drive Actions or Do Actions Produce Feelings?

Remember that love as a noun is a feeling and love as a verb is an action. The feeling part of love is interesting. When it is there, I cannot get enough of Nancy. I can literally follow her around like a puppy dog. Every look, word, or touch makes my heart race. Then there are days that I feel close to nothing. Maybe we disagreed on something or she said “yes” to an invitation for us without asking me first and I do not want to go. The puppy dog walks away.

If I based my love for Nancy on feelings, I would be riding the roller coaster of marriage day in and day out. That would be nauseating - literally! So, on those days when the love feels high, I embrace them with everything that I have. On days the feeling is low, I remember the commitment I have in marriage and that the “love feeling high” days will return.  

Do our feelings motivate our actions or do our actions produce our feelings? What do you think? Is this a “which comes first” thing like the chicken and the egg where you can make a decent argument both ways? Let’s break this down. If I am feeling love towards Nancy, it is likely that my actions will reflect that feeling. If I am acting in ways that show my love and Nancy receives my actions and returns the love to me, my love feelings will most likely manifest themselves.  

Here’s the problem. In scenario number one (feelings leading to actions), what if my feelings of love never come? Does that mean my actions of love are never triggered? In scenario number two (actions produce feelings), what if my actions never trigger the love feelings in Nancy and so I am left with nothing? Now that I have you totally confused, let me make a confession: That is just what I was trying to do. Deciding which comes first in these scenarios is dependent on one thing: feelings. If I feel the love, I act. If I act and get loving feelings in return, I feel loved. In other words, if the love feeling does not come, I fail because ultimately I wanted the love feeling.

Don’t worry. I’m not going to leave you high and dry. Here’s the answer: obedience. “Where in the world did that come from?” you may ask. No, we haven’t been talking about obedience, but if you ask, “What does obedience have to do with love?” Now you are asking the right question. Let me give you an example. Most people would agree that Jesus was the ultimate purveyor of love. He loved everyone. He died for those He loved. As He hung on that cross, He was there because of the feeling of love, “Father, forgive them.” He was there because of the action of love. He did not have to go to the cross. He could have spoken and called angels to the rescue but He didn’t. His love for us, me and you, drove Him to the cross. Why? Behind the love was obedience. He was doing what He knew He would do from the beginning of time. Did He hesitate? Well, He did ask His Father to let the cup pass from Him. In other words, “do I still have to do this?” The answer was “yes,” and Jesus set His eyes on the cross. Obedience ignited by love.    

I love Nancy. Every day I pray to be the husband God created me to be for her. Every day there are times I don’t especially want to put out the effort to be that husband. There are days I don’t.  Yet, every day when I pray that prayer, I know God will equip me for that role. Here is the kicker.  If deep in my heart I know I want to be that husband, I have to be obedient to God. It doesn't matter what Nancy does or does not do. It doesn't matter if she is gushing over me with love or is very distant. It does not matter if she does not do even one love action for me. My role is, with God’s help, to be the husband God wants me to be each day.  My job is being obedient to God. 

As I have traveled this road of obedience, God has taught me a lot. First, He has never asked me to do something that is not good for me or Nancy or our marriage. That alone is huge! Second, at the end of the day, I have the opportunity to say to God that with His help, I did a pretty good job as a husband today because I was obedient to Him. Does this happen every day? No. Do I try almost every day? Yes. Obedience. This is the amazing part. When I am obedient to God and His role for me as a husband to Nancy it stokes two fires. One is “feeling love” for both Nancy and for God. Two is the “action love” as I show her my love through my actions directed by God. It’s a win/win! It’s like a walkoff home run in the bottom of the ninth!

Overtime With Nancy:

Kim: What are some ways you’ve been obedient to God in our marriage? 

Nancy: I think swallowing my pride to say “I’m sorry.” It was hard to pry my fingers off the pride of winning an argument. Or being the first to say sorry. 

Kim: What got you to the point of knowing God wanted you to do that? 

Nancy: I think it was growing in relationship with God, and realizing how much he loves me in spite of everything, and realizing how much you love me, which I think is the most a human being on earth could. It makes a huge difference when you start realizing how loved you are. 

Kim: I think that’s a good point. I think some people really have a hard time accepting that. Maybe you did for a while. 

Nancy: I did. I had a hard time with that. It all starts with your relationship with God. 

Kim: I can think of times I was upset with you. Now we recover pretty quickly, but we could push each other's buttons pretty well. I would think of ways I could punish you or make it hard for you, and I could feel God saying, “what are you doing? That’s not what I want you to do. You’re supposed to forgive. You’re supposed to lead this family and be an example.” Most of the time I heard that. As I got older I experienced more of His love, and your love, and for me that was a lot. I didn’t really feel confident in your love for me earlier in our marriage. A lot of insecure behaviors grew out of that. I guess I was trying to keep you. I think as I saw more of your love it was easier for me to let go of that. 

Nancy: When did that happen for you? 

Kim: Probably when I went into ministry in 1983. Going to seminary completely changed and deepened my faith. I thought I was a good Christian before, but there wasn’t much depth to it. 

Nancy: Your relationship with God grows if you let it. Just like a marriage, with God’s help it will grow if you let it grow. 

Your Turn:

Do you trust God to let Him guide your actions towards your spouse? If not, what stands between you and Him? What would obedience to God as a spouse look like in your marriage?