Being a Good Student of Your Spouse

Being a student of your spouse is a marriage-long project.

I talk about it in the counseling room, when I speak to groups, on podcasts, and in my writing. Being a student of your spouse not only improves your marriage but I think it truly is one of the essentials of a marriage that thrives.  It’s something I strive to do every day. I don’t make it every day but it is always on my list. 

I believe that a lifetime is not long enough to learn everything there is to know about your spouse. We grow and we change, and if we are not intentional about studying our spouse we may look at them one day and wonder, “who are you?” Okay, that’s a little extreme but being a student of your spouse means that you are tuned into them every day. It is not something we do without effort but the rewards are wonderful.  

Nancy is my best friend. She has been since we started dating in college. She still has those qualities I fell in love with but now I have even more to love. If I had not intentionally studied her, I would have missed out on so much. But I didn't always do this well. I took a few “semesters” off and then later had to play catchup. I think I learned my lesson. 

Being a student of your spouse is not complicated, it is just being intentional.

Do you know your spouse’s love language? Nancy’s is quality time. So in our marriage, I am going to learn the most about Nancy when I fulfill her love language. It shows her I care and that she is important to me and that I love her. When she feels loved by me, she shares her life with me. She becomes the teacher of a subject she is the expert on - herself. My role is then to become her student. The more I learn the deeper my love for her grows. 

Marriage was designed by God to teach us so much. He even compares marriage to Jesus' relationship with the church. That’s powerful, because Jesus gave His life for the church  - For us. Marriage is about us dying to self and being unselfish. It’s about putting our spouse number two with God as number one day after day. It’s being a student of our spouse and striving to make an “A” each day. 

Overtime with Nancy:

Kim: How would you rate us today as students of each other?

Nancy: We are pretty good most of the time. We have learned a lot about each other. . Now we can almost finish each other’s sentences. Like when you call and say, “you know what I was thinking would be good for dinner…,” it’s usually the same thing I was thinking of. 

Kim: It’s so weird how that happens. It happens a lot. 

Nancy: Scary. 

Kim: Or cool! How do you feel when you meet my love language? How has knowing that my love language is words of affirmation helped you love me better? 

Nancy: I look for ways I can encourage you, tell you what a good job you’re doing. I definitely didn’t do enough of that early on in our marriage. I’m kind of trying to make up for lost time. 

Kim: I think you always have done that, but you have definitely gotten better at it. 

Nancy: As I’ve grown in my love for you, I notice things more. It’s not so much about me. 

Kim: I think knowing that your love language is quality time has made a huge difference for me. I can be selfish with my time but I can always see the difference when we spend quality time together. I used to think that if I spent quality time with you one day you wouldn't need it the next, but that didn’t work. Your tank would get empty and it needed to be filled again. I learned that having quality time with you needed to happen everyday and when I made that a priority our marriage was really good.

Nancy: True. 

For You:

• When it comes to your spouse, how good a student are you? 

• How could you be a better student? 

• Share something with your spouse that you recently learned about them.