3 Communication Techniques to Help Your Marriage
At Awesome Marriage we get a *lot* of questions about communication in marriage. Couples want to learn tips and techniques for better communication, and by the time they reach out, they are usually neck-deep in the tension, misunderstanding and hurt feelings that ongoing miscommunication can cause. Thankfully at Awesome Marriage, we have the wisdom that Dr. Kim shares from his 40 years as a marriage counselor to help.
If your communication needs help today, you are certainly not alone in this struggle! In fact, Dr. Kim shares that he doesn’t recall a single couple who said their communication was good when they first came in for counseling. It’s likely that if their communication was good, they would have been able to resolve their issues on their own. And the data backs this up: 95% of the couples that say their communication is good in their marriage also say their marriage good.
You can attend Dr. Kim’s free webinar, “7 Communication Mistakes Couples Make” for more help with your marriage communication.
There are lots of practical ways to improve communication, so this pain point can be relieved. We can get your communication cleaned up and rid of the miscommunication mishaps that have plagued your marriage.
Below I’ll share several effective communication techniques to help you and your spouse have less tension and fewer arguments, and feel more connected.
Why is it like this?
When you’re dating, it’s easy to see the possibilities of our future together. Things look bright and hopeful. And the differences between you and your partner don’t seem so big. Even if they do, that’s okay, everyone knows that opposites attract! But once we get into married life, the differences seem to grow while the similarities recede. We have to talk budgets, bills and the like, and we see each other all the time, not just the pre-planned or cleaned-up-and-dressed-for-date-night times.
One more thing…
We also have to mention distractions. Maybe your calendar is full of your kids’ extracurriculars, or your own hobbies. Then there are the not-so-fun things you just have to deal with together. The budget conversation probably doesn’t bring that lovin’ feeling, but you’ve got to talk about it sometimes.
Plus, we have to mention phones! Since it obeys your every wish and search command it feels easier to deal with a screen than your real life spouse, who has their own opinions and ideas, and might not agree on what to have for dinner or what show to watch. So it’s easier to go your own way, find your own entertainment and not take the time and energy required to hear each other and come to a compromise.
In light of all of that, here are 3 effective tips to help you communicate more - and better - than you are right now.
#1 Touchpoints - make them, then take them!
Touchpoints are times of intentional connection with your spouse. They aren’t something new that you have to add in, rather these are moments you can find in your everyday life that you just haven’t been taking advantage of.
Things like folding laundry, walking the dog, or doing the dishes side by side, so you can get the job done in half the time while you connect with each other. It’s pouring your spouse a cup of coffee and sharing coffee time together first thing before you launch into your day, or sitting down for 10 minutes together once you get home after a full day.
Maybe you are used to both scrolling on your phone separately. Instead, spend 15 minutes sharing what you’re watching or scrolling - catch up on what’s new, funny or interesting online. Find a time in your existing schedule when you can intentionally build your connection and closeness. Some couples do this by showering together, instead of alone, which can have the added benefit of setting the stage for some intimate action!
What touch points can you find in your day?
#2 Then when you do, use this no-fail tool
When you make time to talk, make it worth it. You want to reduce misunderstandings and tension. You want to hear one another and grow more connected through your time together. It’s so painful when one or both spouses feel unheard or misunderstood, but it’s also totally avoidable!
The best way we have found to do this is by using Stop-Look-Listen. How? Simple: the answer is right there in the name!
Stop. When your spouse wants to talk, stop anything else you are doing. Turn off the tv, close the laptop, put down the phone, or step away from unloading the dishwasher. In short, stop whatever you’re paying attention to so that you can give them full attention. If you need a few minutes to wrap up first, let them know, then follow through. If you say you need 5 minutes, set a timer so you will follow through on your word and stick to 5 minutes.
Look. Turn to face your spouse. Give eye contact.
Listen. Listen to hear; not to respond. Really try to understand where they are coming from and what’s on their heart and mind. Don’t spend the time while they talk formulating your response. Instead, respond by reflecting what you heard them say. Clarify to avoid making assumptions or mishearing. Then you get your turn to respond!
This tool helps to align your nonverbals with your words. It lets your spouse know you are paying attention and that you truly value their words and presence. It shows they matter to you, and that they are worth your time and attention, which helps build goodwill and connection between you. That, in turn, helps you assume the best and see the good in each other.
#3 What boundaries will help you feel heard?
Now take a look back at the distractions we discussed earlier. What distractions keep you from feeling connected? What boundaries can you set together to reign those distractions in? For example, not getting on your phones when riding together in the car. It can be easy to zone out when in the passenger seat. But if you both agree to staying off the phone during that time, it can become a touchpoint when you share conversation and connection.
Consider timing. What are the times that are best and worst to talk? Make sure you are both aware of these, and avoid adding unnecessary tension simply by choosing more advantageous times to talk. If my husband wants to talk early in the morning, he knows I’m not really myself until coffee. Or if it’s the pre-dinner rush hour and kids are bustling in and out of the room, we both know we can’t really hear one another. Some couples share that they have committed to having planning conversations in person, rather than on the phone or through text. That way they are really tuned into each other when they talk.
Do you have any communication issues that a simple boundary can help fix? If so, get that conversation started today! For more practical help to do that, check out our Marriage Boundaries Workbook.
Would you like more effective tools to help you stop bad communication habits? Sign up for our free live webinar “7 Communication Mistakes Couples Make in Marriage,” with Dr. Kim Kimberling, and learn to avoid these common mistakes and take communication from a pain point to a plus in your marriage.
In the webinar Dr. Kim will cover:
Three questions you *must* ask yourself before you speak
Reasons why your spouse didn’t hear you, even though you said it
The most common communication mistakes couples make, and how to solve them.