11 Things I Wish I Knew When I Was Married In My 20s
When I got married at 21, I thought I had a pretty good idea of what marriage would look like. Basically, like a date but you never have to say goodbye after you kiss goodnight! I just knew we’d never grow “boring” or fight over dumb stuff we’d read about in our marriage prep books like who should do which chore. I knew we’d be living on a budget, but since we’d already planned it out, I couldn’t imagine we’d ever disagree about that.
By the time we hit the honeymoon, I began to realize that some of my expectations were way off base. We were worn out after smiling for hours on end at every important person in our lives while dancing the night away at the wedding; getting up in the wee hours to catch a series of flights to our dream honeymoon in Hawaii; finagling car rental (complicated under age 25) then eventually finding our way to our rental bungalow.
In the midst of all tiredness and travel, the honeymoon had it’s less-than-dreamy moments already. We weren’t used to navigating every decision of every day together, and we processed those decisions very differently. He knows just what he wants; I want to carefully consider all the options. He moves quickly; I hate to be rushed. Then the jet lag kicked in. And the roosters next door kept us from sleeping any later than 5:00 am. And we realized that the couple next door was prone to loud arguing at any hour of day or night...Just a few days in, I’d begun to wonder what I had actually signed up for.
Now, 17 years into marriage, all the work was worth what we’ve grown into over the years. But if I could go back to those early days with a little more wisdom, we would have saved a lot of heartache along the way.
Here are 11 things I wish I’d known…
Marriage is not a rom-com. Seems obvious now, but in the optimism and naivety of youth, I bought the movie version, hook, line and sinker, and was disappointed that it didn’t live up to the fictional standard.
You can’t change your spouse. Marrying them is marrying them as they are; not marrying them in hopes that they’ll become someone different.
You can’t stop your spouse from changing. Accepting them as they are means also accepting that they will change over time as life’s experiences bring growth and wisdom.
You aren’t the Holy Spirit. It’s not your job to grow or convict your spouse. The Holy Spirit will do this far better than you ever could!
No one is really a mind-reader. I honestly thought Brian was “broken” for a while because he didn’t seem able to read my mind. It turns out he didn’t seem able because he’s not able! That was a very unrealistic expectation I had to let go of.
It’s not my way versus your way, it is the two of us creating our own family’s way together. If we disagree about how to load the dishwasher (SO many couples do!) that’s okay. How we handle the disagreement is what matters more.
Marriage is more than the sum of its parts. What we are building over our relationship together is much more than our love story; we are creating a brand new, completely unique family together. A new family culture, a legacy, and a mark we’ll leave on the world.
“Me” to “we” is hard, but holy; a sacrifice that leads to fruitfulness. Like a tree being pruned to grow more fruit, marriage aids our sanctification by forcing us to confront - and hopefully reject - our selfishness. It was a huge wake up call when I realized that some of my habits - like reading in bed before turning out the light - seemed normal to me, but were irritating to him. I had to confront the reality that I wanted him to accept everything I did, yet not have to change myself.
God’s idea of marriage is far better than my idea. My idea may be well-intended, but by default it’s focused mostly on myself and looks at things from my limited view point. God’s way benefits my marriage, my family and the community around us, showing the light of His love to a searching world.
Happily married is a choice, not an accident. It requires continual investment, proactive steps, and willingness to do the hard work of working through our differences.
We will grow wiser as we gain life experience. Sometimes making mistakes is how we grow. It’s not likely we’ll get many things right the first time, but we’ll learn from all of it.