When I do premarital counseling with a couple, one of the questions I ask them is this: “Do you trust each other?” If the answer is no, we have some serious work to do. If it is yes, I follow up with this statement: “Don’t ever do anything to break the trust you have between you today. It is precious, and when it is broken, it takes a long time to build back.” Secrecy has always been an enemy of intimacy because it erodes trust.
You may be thinking, “Isn’t some secrecy okay?” Well, if you are planning a surprise party for your spouse, maybe keeping things a secret is okay. Just don’t take it further than that. Today we have so many opportunities to keep secrets. We have our social media accounts and our mobile phones and our tablets and our laptops. We have passcodes on everything, and we can hide almost anything. I know we have a right to privacy, but if you cannot trust your spouse with your passcodes, my question is “Why not?” Is it because your friends keep their info secret? Are you hiding something? Maybe it’s not a deal breaker but something you just don’t want your spouse to know about.
Whatever your reason, I would like you to rethink it today. This is my theory about secrecy and how it affects a marriage. One of the things I knew without a doubt that I wanted in my marriage was total transparency. I wanted to be an open book and wanted my wife to feel the same. It was so important to me for my wife to know every single thing about me because I wanted her to love me, warts and all! If I hid something, I would always wonder what would happen if she found out. Would she still love me? I would worry: Have I hidden it well enough? Is it a safe secret? The bottom line was that I did not want to live my marriage that way. What about you? Are there secrets? What are they? What is keeping you from opening up to your spouse?
The most important question is that last one: What is keeping you from opening up to your spouse? That is your starting point. Deal with that issue with your spouse. If you need a mentor couple, a pastor, or a Christian counselor to help, then get the help you need. Don’t let secrecy lead you to a divorce.