Marriage Struggles: Phases

March 30, 2017 by Kim Kimberling in Struggles

Is it possible for a couple to stay connected over a lifetime together? Every couple goes through a series of phases in their marriage. It’s important for a husband and wife to navigate each of these phases with the goal of ending up together in the later years of their life in a marriage they truly value and cherish.

When I think about our first few years of marriage, life was simple. I was working, and Nancy was going to school and then working. Sure, we had our struggles, but we were getting to know each other at a deeper level. We had few distractions from our marriage. That was phase one for us—those early years of marriage without kids.

Phase two started when the kids came, and they were an incredible blessing. Our marriage grew during that time, but it was different than before. There were now four of us, and the kids took a lot of time and energy. We had to be very intentional about our time together as husband and wife. I think raising kids is the perfect example of the idea that “the days are long, but the years go really fast.” I thought the diaper years would never end!

Then came the empty-nest years as the kids left home and began their journeys as adults. If couples can navigate the “kids at home” years well and stay connected and intentional in their relationship, this transition to the empty-nest phase can go pretty smoothly. If, however, couples neglect their relationship while raising their kids, this transition to the empty-nest phase can be very trying.

What phase are you currently in? How is your marriage doing? What would make it better? What will you do today to make it better?

Marriage Struggles: Pride

March 23, 2017 by Kim Kimberling in Struggles

Pride is one of those tricky words. There can be both a good side to pride and a destructive side. To be proud of someone else’s achievements or accomplishments can be a good thing. I have been proud of my children on many occasions. As they were growing up, I took pride in their accomplishments and in their choices. When I saw them work hard for something or to achieve a goal that stretched them, I was proud of them. When they took their faith seriously and made hard decisions as teenagers that were consistent with that faith, I was proud of them.

Another type of pride, however, can have a devastating effect on marriage. One definition of pride is the quality of having an excessively high opinion of oneself or one’s importance. I see this type of pride present itself all the time in marriage relationships. One person thinks they are better than the other or that what they bring to the relationship is more important than what their spouse brings. For example, one person may feel that because they bring in more of the family income, they should have more say in how money is spent. Pride can manifest itself in a myriad of ways in a marriage. Most of them are destructive.

Let’s break this down a little bit. A husband works hard and makes quite a bit of money. He has risen up the ranks and consistently receives praise from other people. He begins to feel pretty important and enjoys the attention. At home he starts to expect the same reception. Pride takes over. Feeling important, he thinks his wife should treat him like other people do, but she does not want a man to worship. She wants a husband. She wants a godly man who will be a servant-leader.

What about the wife who is super mom? She runs the house, takes care of the kids, and is active socially. Everyone thinks she is great. She loves the kind words and praise others pour on her. She feels special and expects her husband to put her on a pedestal just like everyone else seems to do. He is grateful for all she does, but he wants his wife. He wants the relationship they had before the house, kids, and social life. He wants the wife back who wanted a marriage with God at the center—not her at the center.

We are all vulnerable to the evils of pride. We allow pride to take hold of us when we choose to put ourselves where God is supposed to be. That will not work. It does not work in life in general, and it definitely does not work in a marriage. Marriage is designed to be a symbiotic relationship: two people working side by side, each indispensable to the life and well-being of the other. That is God’s design. That is God’s plan. Pride does not fit into an Awesome Marriage.

Marriage Struggles: Rage

March 16, 2017 by Kim Kimberling in Struggles

Rage is anger that is violent, unbridled, and uncontrolled. Rage has always reminded me of an active volcano. The anger boils inside and builds and intensifies until it spews out all over the person in its path. The explosion causes big-time destruction that sometimes never can be repaired. That is rage. And when it happens in a marriage, the result may be the end of the marriage.

Let’s back up a little and look at anger. Most of us would say we get angry sometimes. We also know that anger in itself is not a sin. The Bible tells us, “In your anger do not sin” (Ephesians 4:26, NIV). If I feel anger toward Nancy, I need to be careful how I handle that anger. Sinful behavior would include yelling at her or physically harming her. But it’s not sinful for me to ask her to sit down and talk through my anger with me. See the difference?

Rage is anger on steroids; it’s unbridled, out of control, and sinful. Rage becomes punishing and really knows no boundaries. Have you ever been there? Do you know how you got there? My guess is that you allowed anger to build up over time—like the exploding volcano. A volcano can be inactive for a long time—a very long time. Yet, when it is inactive, all the ingredients for an explosion lie beneath that calm surface. As it heats up, things begin to boil until an explosion is inevitable. Honestly, that could happen to any of us. If we allow anger, bitterness, and resentment to build within us, we are in danger of becoming active volcanos.

Are you harboring anger in your heart? If so, today is the day to deal with it before it gets out of control. The answer for anger is simple on one hand and extremely difficult on the other. The answer is forgiveness. In my experience, it is the only answer. Some of you are probably saying, “Are you kidding? You do not know what they did.” You are right. I don’t. But I do know what unforgiveness can do to a person. The anger can build and turn to rage that spews everywhere.

Try this. Take your anger before God in prayer. He knows everything anyway. Ask Him to guide you through the process of forgiveness. Forgiving your spouse might happen today or it may happen over time, but it will happen if you allow it to. Taking this step can prevent an eruption that could destroy your marriage. Will you get on your knees and begin now?

Marriage Struggles: The Reality of Porn

March 09, 2017 by Kim Kimberling in Struggles

Some of our struggles in marriage come from the world, and some we invite in. Pornography is one of the latter. There was a time when it took a lot of effort for someone to look at pornography. You had to actually get out of your house and go somewhere to buy it, or you had to order it and wait for it to come to your house in the mail. Either way was a risk—no one wanted to get caught buying porn. Fast-forward to today, and it is one click away on whatever device is in front of you—and no one will know. Most of the constraints that helped people resist porn in the past are gone. The “privacy” connected with porn’s accessibility today can make a person feel safe and pretend there is no harm. I think those are two of the biggest lies in our culture today. First, somebody knows. Second, there is harm.

I’d like to speak directly to each of you husbands. Don’t convince yourself that porn will not harm you or your marriage. Your wife will find out, and it will crush her and break the trust she had in you. She will ask the question I have heard many women ask: “Why are you looking at that when you have me?” It puts images in your mind that only God can erase. That next click can bring a struggle into your marriage that you regret for a long time.

In last week’s blog, I talked about Jesus’ promise to be there for us in our struggles because He has overcome the world. Guess what? He is here to help us not only in the struggles the world brings into our marriages but also in the struggles we bring into our marriages. If porn is a part of your life, it is a part of your marriage. It does not belong in either. I challenge you to take that first step today to remove it from both.

Here are few resources that can help you if you need accountability in this area:

Here are a few other resources to check out if you're struggling in this area:

Marriage Struggles and Jesus

March 02, 2017 by Kim Kimberling in Struggles

This month our focus at Awesome Marriage is “Struggles in Marriage.” For most of us, the realization that marriage in “reality” does not match the “fantasy” of the movies comes fairly soon after the honeymoon. If a couple were to tell me they never have struggles in their marriage, I would think one of two things: They are not being honest with me, or they are just existing together in the same house. Life is about struggles. Marriage is about struggles. Jesus says, “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33, NIV). You will experience struggles in your marriage, and Jesus will be there to help you in those times.

In our marriage, Nancy and I have experienced plenty of struggles together. We have dealt with financial issues, sickness, cancer, a heart attack, disappointments, spiritual attacks, and more, but through every struggle Jesus showed up. That is the good news. You (plural—husband and wife) are not alone. At times you may feel like you are alone, but He promises that you are not. My guess is that if you are reading this, you have just come through a struggle or are going through one now or will go through one in the future. Don’t let any of that scare you. Struggles are part of the reality of living in this world. But your struggles can actually grow you closer to your spouse and to God. Your struggles can show you that your spouse is a real blessing in your life. When you and your spouse face struggles in your marriage and grab the hand of Jesus, the two of you are linked hand in hand with the One who overcame the world. Are you struggling? He’s got you covered!