Healing After Bad Decisions

Jack and Angela had a good marriage. Things had gone well for them. They met in college but did not date until after they graduated. After a couple of years dating, they married. Angela worked until their first child was born. Then they decided together that Angela would stay at home even though she was doing very well in a promising career. Jack’s business was also doing well and they adjusted to living on his salary alone without too much of a problem. Things were a little tight, but not too bad. Jack’s brother, Jim, was also doing well in his work. The two brothers were close but very different. Jack was a conservative, nose-to-the-grindstone man.  Jim was less conservative and a risk taker. Their son was 3 and Angela was pregnant when Jim came to Jack with a can’t miss deal that could literally set them up for life financially.  

Conservative Jack’s eyes lit up. He liked the idea but his thinking was clouded by the possibility of making a boatload of money. He shared the idea with Angela and was shocked when she pushed back. The whole thing scared her. They would be investing their entire savings, plus be on the hook for a little more. It was their biggest fight ever by far. Angela dug in hard but after Jack put on a lot of pressure day after day, she reluctantly relented. I’m sure you have figured out where this is going by now. If you guessed that Jack lost all their savings in the deal you are right. He was also on the hook for another $10,000 they did not have.  

Here is the question: What would you do if you were Angela? What if you were Jack? This was a really bad financial decision that was going to affect them and their lives for a long time.  Jack’s dreams of what they would do with the windfall turned into a fight for financial survival.  Angela was devastated. She wanted to walk away and never see Jack again. She wanted to do a lot of things but guess what she did? She stayed. She forgave Jack. She said, “I married you for better or for worse. This is really bad, but I am going to honor my vows.” Do you know what Jack did? He humbled himself. He promised to learn from this. He said he would never go against her in a decision the rest of their marriage. All the above happened over twenty years ago and Jack and Angela never looked back. They learned from the mistake and moved on. Today they have one of the best marriages I know and it started with the decision to let God heal a marriage devastated by a really bad decision.
 

Focusing On the Common Goal

This is one of those areas of marriage that is so easy on paper, but living it out can be very difficult. Let’s look at having an awesome marriage as the common goal. I’m a little biased but I think that should be the goal of every marriage. If that is the goal, the way we attain the goal is by having everything we do point towards that goal. If I want an awesome marriage, and a friend asks me to go to a game with him but I have already promised Nancy that I will do something with her, the answer to my friend is, “Thanks, but no.” If I know Nancy’s love language is quality time, it means that every day I carve out time for her.

Now here is the tough one for me. If I am doing everything that I know Nancy wants me to do for her in our marriage but she is not doing anything in return for me, what do I do? My selfishness wants to say, “I’m not doing anything else for her until she starts doing things for me.” Yet, if I keep focusing on the common goal of having an awesome marriage, I keep doing things for her. Here is my experience. Over the years of our marriage, there have been times, for whatever reason, that both of us have been out of the mode of doing things for the other. When the other person continues doing things focused on the common goal of having an awesome marriage, the other always comes around. When the other person gets off focus too, it takes a lot longer to recover. The ideal is when we both stay focused on the common goal. That’s when we make big strides forward together. That’s when our marriage is truly awesome!

Making Major Life Decisions

As we talked about last week, moving from one place to another is a major life decision. There are many others that a couple will face over the years of a marriage. The decisions that seem to cause the most conflict are either financial or involve their children. I think what happens a lot is that each person has their own perspective and if their spouse’s perspective differs, they are unwilling or reluctant to listen.

Allison and Gage had been married about three years. They thought they were doing pretty well with decision making. There were a couple of bumps but overall things were pretty smooth.  They were both driving really old cars and they were beginning to spend a lot on car repairs.  They agreed it was time for a change. With Gage’s new job, he was able to use public transportation to and from work and they decided that for now, having just one car was a good idea. Plus, they could get one nicer car instead of two not-as-nice cars.

Up to this point they were totally on the same page. As they sat down one evening to talk about cars, things began to unravel. Allison wanted a new car - as in a never driven by anyone ever car. Gage wanted to get a nice pre-owned car. They never realized before that their definitions of getting a “new car” were completely different. Not only did they find themselves on different pages but also different car lots! Allison’s new car was close to a top of the line brand and Gage’s used car was a middle of the road brand, at best. I think a lot of things happened here for Allison and Gage. First, they realized as much as they thought they were alike, there were some real differences. Second, they had to come up with a plan to resolve those differences and make a decision while not just keeping their marriage intact, but good.

Most of us relate to Allison and Gage at some level. We have all been in a situation where we did not see eye to eye and have been a little, or a lot, taken aback by our spouse’s response.  When those times come, we need to listen to each other. Write down our options. Pray and then compromise so there is a win/win for your marriage. You probably are wondering what car Allison and Gage bought. It was the one that they agreed on!

Sharing Responsibility in Decision Making

Before we were married, Nancy and I never talked about decision making. We never sat down and decided who would do what. It wasn’t that we avoided the conversation, it just never crossed our minds. Looking back, we agree that both of us just assumed we would make decisions like our parents did. Our families of origin were our textbook or our Google! We were a disaster waiting to happen, and it did.

I don’t remember the specifics, but our versions of Google did not match up on the decision. We discovered that we needed a plan and we did not have one. We had done pretty well in the day-to-day activities of life. Nancy made the decisions in the areas she took charge of and I did the same with mine. The big decisions were where we needed to figure things out.

Our plan then and now goes like this. When we have to make a decision that affects us both, we begin by praying about it. Then we discuss, and listen to each other’s perspective. By the time we finish this process, we are usually on the same page and make the decision.

Recently we made the decision to sell the home we were living in and build a smaller home. Nancy was ahead of me on this. She felt the need to downsize almost a year before I was ready, but she didn’t push. We prayed. I listened and she waited on me. As we looked at options, nothing seemed right to either of us. Then one afternoon, we drove into a neighborhood, looked at a few model homes and drove out, both thinking, “This is a place we could live.” We got more information, continued to pray and made the decision to move. I think the key for us in making big decisions is to not get impatient with each other and to give God time to guide us. When we do this, God always seems to get us on the same page.